Well unfortunately there are far too many women out there who perpetuate the myth that it's "normal" for there not to be much sex in a marriage...I'd love to just SMACK those women!!!
Ok, so she gets into it, but doesn't think about it. Have you asked her to talk to her MD or OB about this? "IF" she truly doesn't think about it, or has such small urges for it that it's easy for her to ignore, I would suggest a complete physical to begin with....a complete physical w/bloodwork. Her Dr. would need to know that she has either no libido to speak of or a very low one...so he/she knows what to look for.
OR....would she be open to seeing a MC w/you? What I've learned throughout this last year of working on this issue with my LDH is it is all too often a communication/misunderstanding issue. Your W is likely to truly just not "get it", she probably doesn't really understand what a problem this is for you...because it isn't a problem for her. A good therapist can help both of you learn to understand each other and each others needs. They can help each of you to not take things so personally, or help each of you to see how you aren't meeting the others needs...even if it's unintentionally. I've been amazed at how much my eyes have been opened....and I thought the problem was all on my H's side of the fence LOL.
Have your read the bood SSM, that is advertised on here? If not, pick it up and read it...it's a quick read and I truly do feel you'll find things in it that you will completely relate to. It may also help you understand where she's coming from.
Do you think that she would be open to reading something like this herself? Not everyone is.
Yes she is open to going to counseling with me. We have gone in the past. Right now the counselor that we are seeing wants her to go on her own for a few sessions and then see us again. I don't completely understand the rational behind this but I really like this C so I trust his judgement.
As far as her seeing a doctor, I think she does have an appointment coming up with her OB so I will ask her to tell her doctor about her low libido.
The thing that frustrates me about this is the fact that she does know that this bothers me. We used to fight about it all of the time. Now we don't fight about it because I know that fighting doesn't help and have gone in a completely different direction to try and help us with this but even that's not helping. It's been one cheeseless tunnel after another.
I haven't read SSM yet but I have read a couple of Michele's other books and have found them to be of great help. i had actually planned on stopping and picking it up on my way home from work today. I don't know if she will be open to reading it but it is something that I will approach her about.
I know how frustrating this is, believe me...I went round and round with my LDH on it. That is why I am so convinced she doesn't really "get it". My H would tell me he knew I had a problem w/the way things were...but he did nothing to change it, even though he told me he'd "fix the problem". He really, truly didn't get it until I told him I wouldn't stay in a M where I was virtually celibate.
I know this sounds lame, but women here in the states are often brought up to believe exactly what her friends are telling her. So she very likely thinks that she is behaving pefectly normal and that YOU have the problem. This is very common, so don't despair.
I think it's great that she's willing to go to a MC w/you, this is a good thing....I also think it's good that the C wants to meet w/her on her own...he should probably meet w/you too and may request that. He needs to get to know both of you individually...because he will find that each of you will say things when the other isn't around, which gives him a better picture of the real issues.
Pick up SSM, I think you will be very suprised at it...and if she's open to MC w/you, she may be open to the book too. I think for her it may be an eye-opener and something to work with at the very least. Also, have you read the 5 Love Languages...if you haven't pick it up...each of you should take the test in the back.
GEL is doing a great job and giving you excellent advice. I wanted to drop into your thread and give you a little information regarding recovery after an affair.
It very often takes a couple of YEARS for a wayward spouse to come completely to terms with an affair. It may be that she really doesn't find you particularly attractive right now. Regardless, she needs to address the reasons she feels this way, and begin to address your needs.
Here is the deal. You are at the point in your hurt that you still feel somewhat responsible for her bad choices. GEL has already talked to you about this. What will happen eventually, is you are going to find yourself very, very angry over her actions.
You, are soon to become the greatest threat to your marriage. Yep, I said that. You are going to lose your respect for her, and want a divorce, or worse, go do the same thing to her.
Both of you need to be very clear with each other. BOTH of you must have a plan for recovery. BOTH of you must work toward the same goal. If you don't address the issues that contributed to your current situation, if you don't address the affair (and all of its causes and the results), and if you don't address what you need to do to recover, then the chances of the marriage making it are greatly reduced.
The days of innocence are gone. Your wife saw to that. What she has done will affect most of your choices in the future, and all of them right now. That is what it will take for you to recover.
Both if you must be willing to directly talk about and address ANY issue from now on, especially a basic emotional need like sex. If you need to work through a counselor, then make sure that you find a pro-marriage one that has mucho experience with adultery.
I practical terms, you need to walk up to your wife and tell her your concerns about the sex, and you need to be ready and willing to hear from her, things that you might not like. She has to make the same commitment to you.
Make sure that your recovery plan includes accountability. Your wife needs to be an open book. No secrets. Your very first boundary should be to make secrets a deal breaker.
Listen to GEL, she can help you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thank you both for giving me some advice GEL and NOpkins,
Over the weekend I did pick up SSM after I had emailed my W the first chapter and she said that it sounded interesting and that she would be open to reading it. As for the affair, we have talked at length about what caused her to go wayward and I do know what I was responsible for as far as the bad things in our marriage before the affair and she has taken 100% of the blame for having the affair. She knows that it was stupid, wrong and way out of character for her. She also knos that she is to blame for many of the issues that we are dealing with including sex. She also knows that sex is an important issue for me. What's funny is that she has observed and said something about the fact that the more sex that we have the better moods I am in all of the time. YOu think that would clue her in a little bit. I am not saying that I need it all of the time to be in a good mood just more often than we do ML. It will be a slow process and considering what I went thru before this is not going to be nearly as bad or exruciating to deal with. Thanks again.
