No romance or pursuit at your stage - she would run away if you tried that. All good things come to those who wait , and some of us have to wait a little longer than others .
As you said, make sure she doesn't think you're sitting around waiting - make your life fun so she's begging to get back in it!
Re the debts - you said you were paying off your share, is there any chance you could pay off a bit of hers too, and that might impress her? This might not be possible but just a suggestion.
There are also debt management programmes you can go on but they'd freeze your cards if you did that so I'm not sure that's a good idea, but it might be an option as you get to pay everything off interest-free then.
Yes, indeed! No romance and lots of GAL for Gabriel. Thinks that make her go "hmmm." She 'found out' I've picked up the guitar again (S5 mentioned it) and that made her head bob back in surprise. She mentioned getting one for me once in a while, but it never happened, and I was too busy playing dad and H to pursue it during our M.
In terms of debt payoff, you've read my mind! I already backpedaled during mediation to take on about 70%of our debt, and will tackle this rather quickly (less than 1 year). At that time, I hope to help W with what remains of hers, and if it is gone, to start gifting her with extra amounts 'just because' with no strings attached. Just the right thing to do, as she stood by my side during grad school and training. I definitely don't want the mother of our son struggling financially.
I admire your stance with your W's finances - mine would never have done that, good on you for not being bitter!
Mind you, mine was a WAH and you are an LBS so that's probably why. I have noticed the LBS's get less angry, I know that's a generalisation, but it always seems to be the WAS who is furious even though they left. It should be the LBS's who feel most angry as we are the 'dumped' ones
Re my one night stands, if you've not got an OW I wouldn't worry too much. My 'taster' of other men was basically a direct response to H's OW, but it really put me off men because it was really dire in comparison to H and the OW made him think the same, so in some ways it was a benefit because at least he knows he won't get it any better elsewhere
He did actually display all the classic hurt/betrayal reactions when he found out about my flings - even those he was living with OW. I ignored him because I was in a 'dark' phase, but that was when I knew he still loved me.
The moral of this story is, every sitch has a benefit even if to start with you can't see what that is.
Reread your early posts. I was very moved by your suffering from the absences from your older children's lives. How is that going now? I saw a good amount of guilt and anxiety posted by you about that - try to just be in the moment with them if you get the chance. The kids will do the rest of the repairing work. Just be there, express your love, and reassure about your love for them. Go back in time to the absences only if your kids need a question answered, then get back to the present. You sound like a wonderful mother and a strong woman - your children are blessed to have you in their lives.
Yep, the LBS definitely show less anger. I do have to watch out for the slow, hidden growth of resentment and judgmentalness about WAW's choices and their consequences. GAL work does very well here.
I don't know about other R's - time will tell I guess. My sitch is rather new - only 5 months (never thought I'd think that about being away from my family for nearly half a year). After 11 years together, 9.5 married, there is much to work with, so this will take time.
Hope your having a good day. By the way, how many hours ahead are you in GB? Its 7:30 am here on the US East coast.
I am at 1.42pm now - I am about 5 hours ahead of Florida.
Thanks for your comments re my children, esp. my mothering skills - no one ever tells me I am a good mother, so I appreciate that
H sees them as 'his' really, rather than ours, and the main problems I face in our R are the struggles I have to actually mother them and have any say in anything.
I always knew that this would be a problem if we ever split up because he was so into the kids from day 1, I'm sure he would have given birth if he could have! He used to say that 'we' were pregnant instead of that I was pregnant - I should have taken that as a warning
For him, I think is main issue is fear that I will get depression again, as I was really bad with it and he doesn't cope with people who are negative.
The kids were complaining that I didn't have any colouring pens last time they were here (DD4 would draw on the wall if I did) and I only have crayons for her, so I've bought an art set for them and I'm going to ask H if they can come over for the afternoon to do art.
I empathise with how difficult it must be for you to be away from your son.
H's attitude toward becoming a parent sounds a lot like mine. I too was gung-ho about "my" S5s birth. Lost focus of my W at that time, and was poorly supportive of her. W holds resentment about that.
Also, I too was too easily frustrated with my W's depression. She is fearful of my ability to be supportive of her, I believe. Well, this a going to be a challenge, but I'm going to do my best to be supportive from a distance. Maybe then, she'll rethink her opinion of me. This will stretch us both, and hopefully she'll see that I'm not quite the source of her prior feelings of unmet needs and stiffling.
Its scary and frustrating to focus on the possibilities of the WAS changing and seeing their role in things. Thats why most of us need to keep focused on ourselves.
Your art session with the kids sounds like a wonderful idea. Further evidence of your good mothering! S5 took it upon himself to make about 10 quick drawings for my studio walls when he noticed how bare the walls were when I first moved in. He is such a blessing in my life. That art will stay up til I move out in August, and will be kept and placed safely elsewhere at the house when I move back, so that when he's older, we can talk about his give of love and reaching out to dad at a very dark time in his father's life. We definitely don't have a role-reversed relationship, but I do claim and cherish his gifts when they are spontaneously given. I hope you can accept such gifts from your children and just merely enjoy and celebrate them as well, Ioavva.
My H didn't do anything at dd1's birth because he was 21 and scared, and the doctors intervened too much so I ended up with doctor-caused injuries which I was not too impressed about.
2nd and 3rd time around he was great, very supportive, telling me how to breathe and stuff. He seemed to know more about it than I did! and he didn't let the dr's near me, if fact, once he actually stood between me and this rather over-zealous midwife to get her to back off so he rapidly went up in my eyes at the time, I thought he was my hero, I couldn't stop kissing him afterwards - the midwife left the room, I think she was embarrassed
The thing is, it can swing too far in that direction and I ended up being in a sitch where he was so enthusiastic that he wanted them for himself.
DD4 was born at home without medical assistance and without his presence.
The roles have not completely reversed as I have dd4 full time and strangely enough he has described the mother role as 'nurturing' and his role as 'rule setting' - but I can't exactly be their main nurturer in these cirumstances.
I try to enjoy my time with them as much as possible but it's still fairly forced, rather than natural. My self-esteem was lowered drastically due to the custody battle and still hasn't come back.
For instance, I was picked on in a court report for showing dd's photographs while they were with me (they said I was 'harping on the past') and the other day, my dd2 asked me if she could look in my photo albums and I just snapped 'No!' at her. She looked a bit taken aback as if she didn't know what she'd said.
It's going to take a while before I stop analysing my every move like the court did, but I'm getting better at it.
As much as you can, let that nastiness of court proceedings go, letting it sit in the past. Your children live in today, and need you to focus on them today in order to have you help them shape wonderful tomorrows. You possess everything they need from their mother. They truly deserve you. I'm so happy for all of you to have each other at this level again. That is a rare gift after such court proceedings.
H's description of the mother's role as nurturer is a huge compliment and invitation to you. Take it! He's probably also admitting at some level to being a bit overwhelmed by doing it all by himself, and likely is welcoming your fuller reintroduction to their lives.
Yes H and I are getting on fine. After the ILY thing he said I basically took that as 'that's it, we're partners now' as he hasn't said it in 3 years.
All I am waiting for is when he makes it official with relatives and my 'battle' will be over.
Re the argument, he seems fine now. I have just decided to not talk about my mother. He's a 30 year old man so I'm sure he's old enough to take the consequences if she does report him to CPS again.
He says he won't let her say anything about our parenting - I think she'll behave like that anyway, but this could at least be a test to see if he can finally stand up to her. Then 70% of what caused our M break up will be solved.
I am personally staying away from her. There comes a point in life when you just don't want to hear about what a rubbish person you are.
I know I am really lucky to have H and my kids after the court stuff (which went on for 2 years) - in fact, I don't know if there are any other cases like mine. I read on this site (think it was this site) that M's don't survive a custody dispute, but mine has so I know how blessed I am.
I take it as a sign from God that we were meant to be partners, even if that does sound a bit corny.
I am writing my next update in a different post, as this one was for you personally!
Well, yesterday I had a bad headache which I thought was going to develop into a migraine so I rubbed some peppermint oil into my scalp (really works).
Anyway, it turned out not be be a migraine as I then started feeling sick so I figured I was getting a milder version of that bug my dd had a couple of weeks ago.
Went to bed and had a raging fever all night. Crawled out of bed long enough to fix dd4's breakfast and then lay down again. I text H and asked him to come and get dd4 as I wasn't well enough to look after her. It's his day with her anyway but I asked if he could have her overnight as I feel really rough. He said yes and that he'd be here at about 12. 12 usually means 1 o clock for my H as he is ALWAYS late, no matter what. On our wedding day I saw him rushing up the front steps of the register office just seconds before I pulled up outside, so he was very nearly late for that too!
Anyway, I took it to mean 1 o clock when he said 12 (that way I don't get annoyed if he turns up late as it isn't late by my revised time).
He arrived at about 12.45 so that wasn't bad. He dressed dd4 who was still in her PJ's and the 3 of us had a chat about really hilarious stuff (you know how funny 2 yr old's are) and then he asked me about my symptoms and we figured I have the same bug that everyone else has had. Basically everyone who has had any contact with dd4 has come down with it.
That means our date for tomorrow night is cancelled but we are going to try and re-organise it for next week.
He sat on the bed and kissed me and hugged me and I smiled at him and said 'I won't give it to you (the bug) because you've had it already!' He laughed and told me he would stay longer but he's got to pick someone up from the bus stop. He said we'd spend longer together tomorrow. I am expecting that I will see him and all my dd's then. My fever has gone now so I felt well enough to get up and write this after he left, but I'll be off back to bed in a little while as I still don't feel right.
I'm going to relax in the shower and sleep in tomorrow morning and enjoy the nights peace (dd4 STILL wakes me up at night, at age 2 yr and 9 months!!!).
All in all, positive, as he was kissing me even after the argument the other day!
, and some of us have to wait a little longer than others 
.
but we are going to try and re-organise it for next week.