Yes my computer is expensive, it was £1,400 plus another £400 for the insurance, which is just as well, as it has had to be sent back twice for repairs since I had it in Jan 04. (It was totally free for a year as part of the deal so didn't start paying for it until this Jan).
Plus there's a fair amount of interest clapped on for the priviledge of paying by installment.
It's an Xperian all in one entertainment system, LCD screen, built in speakers, 86GB, 256 RAM etc.
The keyboard and mouse are wireless and you can clip the keyboard to the back of the computer when you are watching it as a TV. The sound and graphics are excellant, better than my regular TV and I can play DVD's/CD's etc in it, listen to radio and so forth (I don't have a separate DVD player, just a video recorder).
I do like it but think it's over-priced and not too impressed with it going wrong twice in 16 months (first time it kept switching off whenever you pressed a key and typing the wrong letters, second time the fan was screwed and I could smell burning plastic and it kept switching off to protect itself so it had to have a new fan. Also, the DVD drive kept jamming which I was then told was a fault with all Xperian's so they put a new drive in.)
It works fine now but it was annoying, esp. as it is my only computer and I was struggling with work without one.
I can't send it back, Lou. The company told me that once it's been installed, you can't send it back unless there is a fault and even then, they have the discretion over whether they repair it or cancel your contract. It is also 16 months old now so I can't imagine they would accept it back now.
I bought it when I was just going for trial with the kids (Jan 04) and I'd lost them, lost H, OW was there, getting on my nerves and it was right after that *nice* letter from my mother so I thought 'If I can't have my family I'll have everything else I want.' So I went into spend mode and basically spent the whole of 04 buying stuff, like your W.
I am now having to pay it off this year and things are really tight as a result. I have decided to make a concerted effort, as when H and I move in, we would not be able to afford all the outgoings (he has a CC himself), then there's all 4 kids, bigger house to pay for, the car etc. It would not be financially viable unless I lower my monthly bills, so I'm gonna do it!
Comfort spending is such a bad idea because it feels great at the time but afterwards, when your life is sorting out, and you feel the pinch, it's not so great. Tell your W, because you don't want her actions causing you to be on welfare.
You're right, my H would build me a computer for free (his cheapest systems start at £200) - he did build me a cheap one as a Christmas present one year when we were still married, but at the time when I bought this one, he was acting as if he hated my guts, so I couldn't ask him.
His brother is a computer technician also, I should have asked him instead
Oh well, I shall keep it for 10 years (I'm not one for wasting things - I did buy a lot of stuff that year but I use all of it regularly, I only have 2 pairs of shoes and my main pair has holes in both soles I only just noticed that, after wearing them nearly every day for 2 years).
Re your W, I would definitely get her to take over paying your bills so she gets a sense of responsibility and work on being more tolerant of each other's activities (she doesn't like your computers, you don't like her radio) - you live together so can't you both put up with what the other one does, i.e, she stop nagging you about computers and you go to bed earlier and put up with her radio at least a few nights out the week.
You will never improve your R if you aren't more tolerant with each other. At the moment, I see you treating each other as room mates.
Also, I'm getting a distinct lack of respect for her from you due to your frustrations with the money/lack of sex etc.
I suggest you hand over the bills to her, let her deal with it. Tell her upfront, work on being friends more because until you are both genuine friends with each other, how can you expect to be lovers?
Intimacy, sexual and otherwise, doesn't develop in a climate of disrespect and resentment.
Just trying to say this in a friendly way to help you.
I need someone to tell me whether I'm just being negative but I feel pretty down this evening.
H and kids were late again - to the point where I rang him and asked what time he would be arriving (I always allow 1 hour before calling) - he said he was taking the girls to the park. I immediately felt angry because this was supposed to be our family time and if he was going to take them to the park, he should have included me too.
I said nothing and instead put my deck chair up in the garden and read a book.
He and dd's turned (really late) - dd4 crying and screaming. She proceeded to keep this up the entire time they were there, no matter what I did. I was already angry so my stress levels were going through the ceiling.
DD2 went in my garden and collapsed my deck chair and ended up throwing my cushion in the mud. I went out there and put the deck chair back up again. Then she did it again, so I had to tell her to get off it.
DD4 wanted to play outside, then she came in again and insisted I take her trainers off. So I did. Then she screamed because she wanted to go back outside so her father said she had to have wellies on. I went and fetched the wellies but she screamed at me and wouldn't let me put them on her, then she hit her father, so he put her in her bedroom and she screamed for the rest of the visit.
DD1 and DD3 didn't talk to me at all apart from to ask for food/drink.
I wanted to ask H today if I could have them all for the afternoon to do that art but I didn't because I was getting so upset.
H looked exhausted and said he wasn't staying long which made it worse as this evening was supposed to be our date and we had to cancel because I was ill (still not 100%) and he was already late as it was.
I asked him when we could rearrange this and he said he didn't know as he has already arranged a babysitter 3 nights this week (he goes out a lot in the evenings). My anger levels were rising to a point where I couldn't act 'as if' - I was secretly thinking 'Don't strain yourself to fit me into your diary.' I told him I would cancel it altogether.
He asked me what was wrong. I said 'Nothing.' DD1 and DD3 asked for drinks so I went and made them drinks and felt like a servant (no 'hello mummy' or anything, just get me this, that and the other. Wouldn't mind if they were actually here more. It justs feels like they turn up on my doorstep and treat me like a hotel )
DD's went off collecting ladybird's while I told them to be careful and not kill them by accident. H then started having a pick at me about these leather boots I was wearing (he's vegetarian) - he wasn't mean or anything but believe me, I was already upset so I didn't want to hear it.
Sometimes I feel we spend such little time together that I don't think he has the right to tell me whether I can wear leather boots or not - it's my life. Of course, I said nothing and the kids were fighting again so I was off seeing to them anyway, which was good as I didn't want to get into the whole vegetarian debate again. I am fully prepared to go vegetarian when we move in together because the rest of them are, but until them I am fine as I am. I don't want him having that much say over my life when we only see each other twice a week.
Anyway, then he told me about this new computer game he's bought so I chatted to him about that and I asked him if he would nip by this week to bring me my post (my business PO box is near his house so he usually brings my letters when he gets dd4 but we both forgot because I was ill) - he said he would.
Then half-way out the door, he says 'We'll have to arrange that date.' GRRRR!!!! I was torn between feeling happy and feeling angry.
DD4 was screaming still so I couldn't even hear myself think when I was saying goodbye to my other dd's.
H winked at me as they left. I shut the door and just told dd4 to go back to her room as I really don't know why she's doing it and I tried everything and my stress level was maxed out so I just didn't want to be where she was at that moment.
Then I turned my radio up full blast to drown out her crying and I am sitting here crying myself.
Is it me or him? As well as recovering from this 24 hour bug I also have my period - do you reckon it's just hormones? Except I feel taken for granted by all of them and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling.
I have visualised a STOP sign and I've tried to focus on the nice bits of the conversation and the nice bits with the kids, but it's not working very well.
Jo, Hang in there. We all go thruogh times when we feel down. You have been doing great. You will feel better tomorrow. Just relax and do something you have been putting off or go to a movie. Come on the BB and vent. You handled yourself well with your husband. Have a nice weekend.
No, but seriously - when one of my kids would get into that persistent whining mode - it would end up setting H and I on such an edge that we'd end up fighting with each other sometimes.
Take a deep breath - I don't think I'd read anything important into this day's interactions.
Jo asked -------- Is it me or him? -------- It's called over load Jo. Too much turmoil and not enough resources plus the added weight of being disapointed H and DDs did not arrive as you expected, fear of past villians returning, being sick, and (I cant say this as an expert) female hormones. So maybe it's not you or him. Just too many of life's ups and downs too close together.
About your H geting a child care provider and him going out, I can see where that might make you envious. Maybe you need to do a little of this yourself. I think I read you were doing some of what is called "getting a life" (GAL).
About you feeling like a hotel servant, can the older girls take care of some of the "getting drink" with something like a snack and drink box (soda crackers, peanutbutter, powdered drink mix) you put together in one place and they do the getting and fixing.
I know I have trouble with the ups and downs. I suspect you are experiencing those same feelings. I don't know the best British experssion that a favorite aunt would use to her favorite niece or a brother to his special sister, I would use it if I knew. Since I don't, the first thing that comes to my mind is "cheers". There is a better day coming.
Jo, I have to install W's new dish washer now so have to go. I did the clothes dryer/tumble dryer on tuesday. I will post more after I have the diswasher and other week end chores done.
Jo, Do something for yourself that will help you relax, raising children can push anyone to the edge. In my sit. if the children are bored, hungry or tired, we are in trouble. Everyone has challenges keeping up with the youngsters.
Your H will not quit loving you because of a stressfull day with the kids. You will have many more challenges in the future, which you will figure out how to handle when they come along.
I understand your feelings, but you did a good job controlling your words, so pat yourself on the back.
Jo hang in there you are an inspiration to all of us, don't let the stressfull times get you down.
Thanks for that. I appreciate you. I will have a coffee in a minute and text H to arrange that afternoon with the kids. I just couldn't right then because of all the screaming.
DD4 carried on screaming for at least an hour after he left until I was so upset I screamed back at her.
Then she climbed into my huge king-sized bed and fell asleep. I went in there and found her asleep in the middle of these big pillows and then I felt guilty for getting upset.
She's now eating her dinner (very late - this is normally her bedtime) as I type this.
The kitchen's tiny, only room enough for 1 chair at this little table so we normally eat off our laps in the living room, but I had mine earlier while she was asleep. To be honest, I was so stressed I wanted to eat on my own.
Thanks though, parenting when you have M problems is even harder!
My H doesn't use childcare providers, just friends. He's got loads of people living at his house so he isn't like a true 'single father' and only did it on his own for 3 months out of these 3 years.
When we first split up he took them to his friend Kat and paid her to look after them while he was at work (there was no romantic involvement). I don't blame him for this as you all know how depressed I was at the time. Then he got depressed himself and stopped going to work so the shop closed and Kat said she wasn't babysitting anymore because he was taking advantage (her words).
He went virtually every weekend to his mothers or a friend's and so in that respect, care of our children was shared with them.
I also started visitation 2 days a fortnight.
Then I started dating him so I shared care with him for 7 months.
Then we split again and he had 3 months completely on his own before he moved OW in. Since he and OW split (they were never truly together - they only met twice before she moved in) he has been dating me so we share care again, admittedly I am more hands-offish this time around.
Ex-OW is still on the housing list waiting to be transferred back to Ipswich where she came from, and she's currently kipping at H's house (in the cellar to be precise ) with her bf (24 yrs), her dd (17 yrs) and her ds (14 yrs).
It's her dd 17yrs who he asks to babysit.
It's only a 3 bed house and H has his room, our dd's share 1 room between all of them. Ex-OW's dd 17yrs is in what used to be my dd3's bedroom, Ex-OW's ds 14yrs is permanently on the sofa, Ex-OW and her bf have converted the cellar into a make-shift bedroom where they are most of the time, except when she goes to bf's place in Ipswich for 'dirty weekends'.
DD1 was telling me all about when they were decorating it and how Ex-OW likes to paint so she was painting stuff for the walls of this cellar and I couldn't stop laughing. Then next time I saw H I joked with him it was like Cinderella and did he let her out to cook the dinner?
He didn't see the funny side of my joke much and said she's down there with Mr. P (bf) most of the time, shagging, and that he gives her free board until she finds somewhere else, in exchange for her doing chores.
So basically he gets his babysitting sorted by the dd 17yrs and the housework done by Ex-OW so he's never had to do it for real.
I hasten to add I am not remotely bothered by this arrangement as the bf is there (I have met him - I don't know how she gets them so young, she's 46! ), and she's on a list to leave, but H is looking round for another place at some point in the future and I've told him I'm going with him (he didn't say no).
I am a bit worried by what it's like for the kids being with all those people, but I guess it might be like living on a commune.
The thing that DOES bug me, though, is that he has 3 evenings per week when he's out, he's booked up to the hilt during the day (usually stuff with the kids). I am still hoping he will let me go with them on a home ed meeting and he says 'yes' and nothing happens - in my opinion he could either skip one of his social's just once for me or at least let me join in with the kids stuff if he doesn't want to do that. So I don't feel terribly empathic about his babysitting sitch.
Re not feeling like a servant, DD1 and 2 are ages 9yrs and 7yrs so they are able to get themselves drinks, although they don't most of the time. DD2 (the 7yr old) lacks coordination and tends to drop her drinks if she makes them herself. I should get them to do more, though. I do all the chores and never ask them to do anything except tidy away their toys.
My friend came round and it's a bit late to text H now. Do you think I should text him tomorrow about having the kids or should I wait and see if he offers them to me?
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