Hi Akron, Thanks for the post. No, I haven't tried flowers. I have sent notes/letters offering "ILY" and apologies. So far, she's merely holding onto them as evidence of my guilt and her right to a D. Yet, I think she's heard them at another level, too. Whether that's enough will play out over time, I guess.
I like the idea of changing things as often as possible. I won't be able to until I get the house in August, but I can do so in other ways, such as paying down the debt quickly at a level that surprises her.
Nice convos on the telephone. When she called again last night to let S5 say goodnight to me (they were on the road back from a TBall game), she said hello first before passing the phone, and joined the convo a bit in the background until S5 got irritated and said, "Mom! Stop innerruping!"
Genuine friendship is my focus with her for now. The romance and flowers will come later, and boy, am I ready to pour that on when the time is right. If given the opportunity, I will never slack in that area again.
I agree you shouldn't say ILY or send her flowers, while she's filing for D, ILY would be a death sentance.
You have to make her want you and miss you, and she's not going to do that while she thinks she could have you whenever she wants (people don't respect that).
If I had said ILY etc to my H back at your stage, he'd have run for the hills, not to mention use it against me in court. It would show her that you can't get over her and are pining after her and people don't find that sexually attractive.
Just carry on trying to forge a friendship - the phone conversation was a good start, and never be tempted to rush things.
The reason I have taken so long to improve things with my H is because I was always trying to run before I could walk.
When she says ILY you will know it isn't guilt or because you said it first, it will be because she actually does love you.
I will keep DBing with the goal of friendship. W seems to be responding.
Had a nice afternoon/evening with S5. He's on Easter holiday, so W brought him to school b/t our classes (we both teach at a local college). S5 and I enjoyed an early dinner out, then on to a library, and home to play, watch a video, and play again. W seemed to appreciate my willingness to watch him, yet she went out of her way to keep my day as free as possible. She visited a bit when I dropped him off, and seemed to appreciate that I had waited for her to get off the phone (business call) to finish our convo and say goodbye. W actually said goodbye in a happy sing-song voice that I used to love hearing. Haven't heard that since pre D-bomb.
I will keep GAL work in full tilt, and hope that she eventually things again about our potential. Until then, we're hopefully moving toward friends.
Ioavva, how important was/is having a child together in your sitch? And do you have any thoughts about it in mine, given that the genders of LBS and WAS are opposite of yours? (others feel free to chime in here, too!)
Gabriel- Don't ya just love the rollercoaster? Sounds like W is back to being a bit friendly again.
It is going to take time as you well know. Try to keep things light and simple in convo's as much as possible now. You still have to back off too. You don't want to push or crowd her in any way.
Keep working on GAL. You have the advantage of seeing W daily so just keep in mind that you have plenty of opporutnities to show her the changes you have made in yourself and to let her see what she is missing.
Things are on the 'up' again, yes. And I do plan to take things slowly. One thing I'm working on is giving W the benefit of the doubt. Hard to do with a WAW, but all the same, I'm going to try this. Following her blow-up last week, when I complimented her by telephone on her mothering of S5, she said "Thank you!" very emphatically, and told me that I didn't say that enough in the past. She shared past resentments about my concerns about her mothering (her view - connected to my opinion of MIL's abuse of her in childhood). I was pi$$-poor in complimenting her on many things, instead teasing and joking instead of heartfelt reassurance.
Realized a few days ago that W's offers to have me spend time with S5 have more to do with her concerns about my R with him, than about her efforts to free up time for herself. Theres a small truth to that as well, yet I need to focus on the other - that W supports and wants a healthy R b/t S5 and I. Her sitting with me at his swim lessons and baseball games is big, as she would have chosen a location opposite me 4 months ago. Her comment to me in her blowout was "I'm not a weak, sick person. I'm strong enough to get through what I did and get to where I am. I'm strong." It was actually good to here such resilience in her, and not the "I'm a victim" mantra I had been hearing. I truly want to support this building up of strength in her, and not insecurely detract from that growth.
Quote: Her comment to me in her blowout was "I'm not a weak, sick person. I'm strong enough to get through what I did and get to where I am. I'm strong." It was actually good to here such resilience in her, and not the "I'm a victim" mantra I had been hearing. I truly want to support this building up of strength in her, and not insecurely detract from that growth.
I firmly believe that if you suceed in that support, you will have an R with her that exceeds your dreams. She needs that very much, and to get it from the father of her son would be especially important to her.
I think you're going to do it, too.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hey, Hey. Glad to hear about the positives going on. It is almost like emotions have been released that had built up in your W. Putting no pressure on her and being her best friend is a great way to build back your relationship. With me, how things went on the telephone was a very strong indicator. Sounds like things are going really well in that area.
Keep building on the positives. I really admire your stance through all of this. I liked the story of your son and the coach.
The rollercoaster ride does have its ups and downs. W is definitely a WAS - very emotional, self-focused, and lashes out at the drop of a hat.
She promised to sign her rights/responsibility to house/mortgage away in return for half of the house equity on Friday, but has stalled. Told me today when I picked up S5 to watch in the morning (big favor that I paid her by taking 5 hrs off work to do so, but she won't see it as such), and W noted that she'd go to drop off the paperwork. When I went to drop off S5 at her office, she was in a "meeting" that would be finished "soon" and she tried to hand me the paperwork to drive to the realtors. I refused, noting that I was booked this afternoon, and that the bank had given me 7 days to get my paperwork in, which ends with business hours today. She needs to drive her a$$ across town and deliver them herself, as they must be notarized there. I am so frustrated with her - all these control manuervers and little appreciation.
I need to get back to a high level of GAl work - have been slacking a bit due to a high work volume (good for finances, but not for overall balance).
I feel for S5, as she's obviously giving him short shrift, asking him immediately in huff to color in a corner while her "meeting" (another perfectionistic effort with a task that she'll spend several more hours on, attending to what others think).
He and I did some laundry at the laundromat, coloring and talking together while there, then on to get him a shorts and tshirt outfit (W had dressed him in too hot of clothes), then on to a playground for a picnic lunch. I really worry what this is doing to his self-concept, and hope that he feels valued and loved. I'm really torn up about him, and am having a hard time concentrating now that I'm back at work. Probably should be angry, upset about how I'm being treated to. Scary, but I do believe this treatment is not too far from how she was in the latter half of our marriage. That hurts to admit.
I called W to explain the paperwork need as well as there being no rush on my part. W called me back and noted that she and S5 had just dropped it off, so my mortgage paperwork is complete. W seemed relieved but noted that she is in no rush, either. However, she did say that she needs the money to buy her condo and had a main worry about not losing money already invested in it.
She noted that she and S5 were enjoyed ice cream cones, and I complimented her idea to treat her and S5 that way on a nice, hot afternoon. A "there you go again" feeling clicked with me, and I realized that I need to work hard at giving W kudos for being a good mother, and stop worrying so much about S5.
As we said goodbye, W said, "Oh yeah, he has swimming lessons this afternoon by the way." (pause). I replied, "Well I might stop by to watch for a bit before going on to teach." She replied in a positive voice, "Okay!" Maybe that was again about her supporting my R with S5, but perhaps a bit more? At the very least, a chance to be "friendly."
You are doing great.