I have been married for 11 and a half years. We have two kids. Our marriage has been rocky for a long time. The problems have been that she does not want to have sex more than a few times a month, and of course, I always want it. I have been given many reasons why she does not want to have sex. They include; She is not happy with her appearance, she does not feel close to me because of the way I talk to her and the kids, I do not do enough with the kids, I don't like pets like she does, it goes on and on. During the past New Years holiday, we were having a bad time. I was ready to begin the long road of divorce and then something happened. I was at church visiting our church library and found a book called 'The Hidden Value of a Man'. It was about the power a man had in his home, that he may not be aware of. The power of what a man says to his wife and kids and the weight it carries. How men are used to dealings at work where they are required to be hard as$es, and how that stuff just does not work at home. For some reason this book spoke to me. I had a long talk with my wife and told her I was sorry for how I had been in the past. Let me state that I have never, ever been abusive in any way. I told her how I had worked on myself in the past, but had been working on the wrong things. She was glad to hear this and proceeded to tell me everything that had bothered her in the past about me. This was not easy to swallow, although I did, and let her continue until she was done. I told her that I could do this, but needed her to work on the sex issue and how she rejects me most of the time. She asked me that didn't I think she would be more receptive to my advances if she was feeling closer to me. I was optomistic. So for the past three months, I have been the model husband and father; very attentive and not asking for anything. The sex, however, never got any more frequent. When I brought up the issue, it started an arguement. I found the book(SSM) and read it and enjoyed it. I talked with her and told her about the book and that it really would tell her how I was feeling inside, since I could not put it into words without us getting into an arguement. My wife is usually never without a book at night, but that book sat for over a week. Stupid me, I had to bring it up and back to bickering back and forth. I really feel that she has no interest in knowing how I feel, or an interest in ever having more sex, because she has stated that just because she reads a book is not going to make her want to spread her legs for me. I read the posings here and see that many other people are having the same problems, and it makes me sick to my stomach. Why does it have to be this way. Why can't the people we love work on this aspect of the relationship without making us feel as if something is wrong with us. I feel trapped and like I will never get close to my wife and have the intimate relationship I crave. We have two kids. I do not want a divorce, for their sake, but I also do not want them to hear the argueing and bickering. I do not think I can go another year acting like everything is ok.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
She has given you a great long list of things you could do that might improve intimacy.
Have you been taking steps to improve all of those?
Have you been asking for sex a lot? because this just adds to pressure. The trick with DB'ing is not to pursue so much. If you are less sexually available she will want you more as it's reverse psychology.
Have you thought of asking her if you can just cuddle for the time being as that's a way of showing her you love her without necessary expecting sex from her.
You said you have sex a few times a month. How many times is that? Once a week in my opinion is normal and if you're putting pressure on her because you want it all the time, this could switch her off (it did me with a fling I had - I ended it because he was asking for sex all the time and I thought he didn't care about me).
If it's a case of differing drives, can you not MB in between times to relieve it or ask her to help you MB?
Is there any 180 you can do in bed that would make her desire it more? Or something that puts her off that you can stop doing?
Was she always lower drive or has she just got lower recently? What types of things did you do in the M before your SL declined?
Yes. The things in her list come at different times, when I meet one request, another request comes. It is a moving target.
We may have sex once a week, when I initiate. Once a month if she does. The problem is not only the frequency, but the total intimacy of our marriage. There is little kissing, holding, touching; and if a sexual encounter starts one more time with 'If you want it, you'd better come on, before I go to sleep', I think I'll say that I would rather MB!
And I do plenty of MBing to try to keep my desire down. It does not really work. I do not crave the sexual release, but the closeness with my wife.
Also, she really enjoys the sex when we do have it. She fully admits that part.
When we first started dating, we used to have sex all the time. After marriage, the LD started. This has been an issue for 11 years.
I do not want to have an affair, I do not want to get a divorce.
Let me rephrase, If a divorce did not involve going broke for the next 15 years, and paying for two residences, and only seeing my kids 3 days out of the week, then it might be more appealing.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
What happened after M to trigger the decline in interest?
Did you settle into married routine? Do you still dating her? Do you talk much?
If you've been being model husband, carry on for longer. These things take time. Have you thought of taking her out somewhere regularly or instigating hugs yourself? She might gradually warm up if you do that.
Have you told her that it hurts you when she tells you to 'get on with it'? As that isn't nice and she must know how much that hurts? Maybe if you just say 'it hurts me when you say that'.
Sorry I'm not being terribly helpful. It's late at night where I am so I'm a bit tired.
Andy wrote ------- We may have sex once a week, when I initiate. Once a month if she does. --------- Typical andy. Some LDW only gets really interested a couple times a year.
---------- And I do plenty of MBing to try to keep my desire down. It does not really work. I do not crave the sexual release, but the closeness with my wife. ---------- You have lots of company andy.
--------------- I do not want to have an affair, I do not want to get a divorce. -------------- That is why most people are here.
Andy, Recently I took care of myself to lessen my frustrations while trying to let my W know and feel that I wanted more than sex(her opinion and statement) and was resentful of W's lack of consideration for my sexual needs. This was part of an experiment I wanted to carry on for the next 3 or 4 days.
I read a person needs 4 or more good, nonsexual long hugs a day, spend 2 hours a day being close to a person, and many other things. You might do something like this to start with. It seemed to work a little for me. Remember no sexual talk or touching. MB if you need to like I did. Drop the resentment because you had to MB, difficult to do I know, and just take some time with your W where your needs or wants don't show through to see what works for her. Make believe you are putting a puzzel together but with out a picture to guide you. No winners or losers, just trying options to see what works.
Have you read Divorce Remedy (tells you what not to do in the beginning is more important than what to do) (first chapters of Micheles books here on the web site), Five Love Languages" Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus.
Working on your M from the pont of fixing the sex part first usually does not work. The overall relationship has to be worked on first.
------------ The things in her list come at different times, when I meet one request, another request comes. It is a moving target. ------------- Andy. Lots of problems build up over time that is why she has her seemingly never ending list. These things take more time to repair than most people realise. You can count on improvements if you are willing to look at progress measured in seasons rather than in days or weeks.
I appreciate all of the responses, but after another arguement tonight, I think I am done. It's not even the fact that we are not having enough sex, it is the response I get from her.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
You just decribed my wife perfectly. You have to realize that to fix this problem my take years. Not only are their all the relational problems to fix, but I personally believe that most of the LD problem is PHYSICAL. Testosterone is what causes desire, it is the ONLY chemical that cause desire. You have 20 times more testsoterone then she does. Then on top of this, between the ages of 20 and 40, a womens leve of testosterone is cut in half. Any slight problem with her body and the testosterone and your screwed (or should I say NOT screwed). Funny thing, your wife had no problem listing all the things that YOU need to do, and yet, you ask her to read a book about SSM and she balks big time. My guess is that she has no freaking clue as to what is wrong with her and she does not want to think of herself as abnormal. She suffers from arousal disorder, she enjoys sex, but she can not make herslf aroused. Same as my wife. They can not "Desire", and yet it is the "Desire" that is 100% of the problem. I have yet to see anyonw actually SOLVE this problem. Good Luck.
This really caught my attention "she does not feel close to me because of the way I talk to her and the kids".
Ok...I'm very happy to hear that you are working on things and realize how you may come off at home to others, that's truly great! Something you may want to realize though is this (if you haven't already figured this out)...if you behaved in a manner at home (in the way you talked to her and the kids) for a long time...she's not going to trust easily that the change you are trying to make in yourself is permanent.
You may have altered the way you speak to her and the kids...but she could be waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to revert back to that behavior, that happens all the time.
My guess however is that this is not the only issue she has. There are most likely other contributing factors as well. Can you give us an example of a typical day in your house?
If you really believe that MOST of the LD problem is physical (and I believe you are referring to the LDW as you usually do) you HIGHLY understimate a woman's mind/emotions.
First off, everyone but my wife thinks I am very nice, and a great husband/father. I realize that they do not live with us, though. When I say the way I had talked to the wife and kids in the past, It was not what I said but how I said it, as my wife tells me. I understand things may take a while, but I would expect some work on her part also. The reason that I have not done the things in the past that she says would make us closer and her respond to me more, is that there was no intimacy. I've felt like a room mate for 12 years. Last night she told me that she thought for the past three months that everything was great. I was dumbfounded when I heard this. I asked her was she just not hearing me when I asked many times about the sex issue and how it was not improving. I think all this is just bunk. I am beginning to think that this is all horsesh@#. She does not treat me like a husband. I do however treat her like a wife. When I say that, I mean that I compliment her constantly, buy her things, take her out, buy her flowers, take the kids out, spend time with the kids, do work around the house, put up with the dang dogs, and so on, and so on. Why then, would you think it would be so hard to have sex twice a week (or three if we are actually in make believe land)? She does not think in any way that this is something that has to do with out closeness in the marriage. She thinks it is me just wanting to get my rocks off. The more I read the relationship books, the more I think this: If you are not happy in the marriage, there is a reason for it. If you are not getting what you think you need to be happy in a marriage, and you try to tell your spouse about it, and they do nothing or worse, belittle you about it, then it is not going to be fixed by any number of books you read, or people you talk to. If the other spouse thinks they are right and that they do not have a problem, then game over!
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Something you may want to realize though is this (if you haven't already figured this out)...if you behaved in a manner at home (in the way you talked to her and the kids) for a long time...she's not going to trust easily that the change you are trying to make in yourself is permanent.