Background Me: 45 H : 41 R 17 years M 4 DDs 15,13, 10, 5 Bomb 7/19/04 S 8/12/04 – H moved in with OW (ex GF) 800 miles away Minimal contact with me or children 2/6/05 H told me he wanted to come back 3/13/05 H finished R with OW and officially came back.
So now I get to move to piecing which seems like a good step up (from being prostrate on the floor 7 months ago).
H went back to UK on 3/17/05 during which time he has sent lots of loving text messages and we have spoken most days.
He is due back on Saturday for a week.
So far we have not really discussed what happened and I can see it would be very easy for both of us to just pretend it hadn’t happened. We both avoid conflict, though I usually explode with the effort and start shouting at which point he exits (which is exactly what happened leading up to bomb). So goal number one is to start talking about it and feelings in general without fear or being defensive and to get him to talk about his feelings.
Alternatively I could just stick with my assumptions about what went wrong, ie loss of eye plus loss of love and OW offering nirvana caused major trauma wherein he was only able to blame me to justify himself.
Goal number 2 is to stop being mother and shift some responsibility for family and home onto him (without reverting to telling him all the things he NEVER does).
Goal number 3 is to have an adult romantic relationship with him which doesn’t include children all the time, and does include going out or away a deux sometimes and me looking more feminine and not like a dirty labourer most of the time.
Goal number 4 is to re-read the DR and finish all the books I have bought in the last six months and to keep posting here.
Piecing is a good place to be, and your goals sound good too.
Be aware that this is still very, very much of a roller coaster ride and that these things never move in a straight line from point A to point B.
Don't become discouraged by the details. You will probably find out soon, for example that H may have "ended" the A, but that he hasn't yet cut off contact. Do Not Despair! This is what the process looks like and it is messy, but you can do it!
My two cents...move goal #1 to the bottom of your goal list...IMHO (and, well, actually experience) "R talks" are just as backsliding during piecing as any other time...not saying you necessarily NEVER want to talk about stuff, why things happened, etc, but I would definitely suggest focusing on goals 2, 3 and 4 in particular...get the good vibes back really strongly in the household...it creates an open environment that may help later communication.
OTOH, I don't know much about your sitch so I could just be offbase but maybe see how things go a bit first and then experiment? Also, it has amazed me how things do get communicated even w/o "formal" R talks.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I feel very smug for being the first one from newcomers to find you here! I keep thinking about you and your sitch. Maybe it is the contrast with mine that makes me think this but I'm amazed at how much you've managed to move your sitch on in such a short time. I find it quite mind-boggling and exciting. It makes me think that anything is possible if you really go at it with dedication. You are a wonderful inspiration.
I think the advice you've got here sounds great. I'm sure Sage is spot on about R talks. You sound really insightful about what went wrong in the first place in your R so I don't think that you will get lots of useful information. If what you want is your H to apologize and make amends then I imagine that it would be more meaningful if the convos were initiated by him. Words are such a small part of communicating anyway though that you may get the message from him without lots of talk.
I'm really pleased with your fourth goal from a selfish point of view. I'd hate to stop hearing from you. Good luck with the next visiting week. By the way, your H may be attracted to both your labourer look and your feminine one. I imagine that there is something very appealing about a woman that can be both at different times. You sound like that sort of woman!
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
So, is your H gone now? Let's have an update! Regarding ignoring that anything ever happened vs. exploding with anger vs. chalking it up and forgetting about it, I think it's best left un-talked about at the moment. When you have slipped into more of a regular routine might be a good time to say, very gently and using "I" statements, that you feel that one day you'd like to talk to him about everything, and you want to make sure you're both comfortable, and you don't want either of you to feel blamed, and ask him how he feels about talking. Let him know that you want to heal (not rehash), and it's important to you that things are in the open and dealt with at some point. Tell him it doesn't have to be NOW, or even soon, but that you'd like him to start thinking about when he might feel comfortable talking.
Thank you Slowly, Sage, Pamila, Wendy and Jennifer for the warm welcome and good advice. H left this morning so finally got to the computer which is very publicly placed so have not had an opportunity to post in private, in spite of a couple of times feeling that I needed a ‘bb fix’ more than anything else to get me through. Lukily I had read Sages and Pamilas advice before H arrived so had that to focus on in times of need and for which I was very grateful.
Generally we had a lovely week which was more a meeting of bodies than minds! I was model student at delivering LL of PT and WOA. Sexy night attire, including pink satin pyjamas that SIL sent me for christmas was a big hit. H had cited (hilariously, I thought) my nightwear as a reason for S! I think I will have to go for 'naughty night nurse' rather than Flo No in future.
One evening I was consumed with my old pre-split resentment by his lack of input into the domestic situation – if he is doing something he wants to it either doesn’t occur to him that we have 4 children who need feeding and getting to bed or assumes that I will do it. Obviously he was only here for a week after a seven month absence so could hardly expect him to take over but this is still an issue which needs resolving and those daily relentless chores of shopping, laundry, cooking etc get me down when I feel that I am expected to do them. H’s return to vegetarianism after 4 years of eating chicken, duck and fish is also going to rankle. I find most vegetarian food time consuming and uses a lot of ingredients (nothing easier than shoving a chicken in the oven to roast or quicker than spaghetti bolognaise) plus 4 children who don’t really like pulses or many vegetables leaves the list of food very short and putting a meal on the table where there is always someone who will complain is very demoralising. I could accept the job with good grace and be grateful for the things H does which I am neither capable of nor want to do which is probably the solution – that old 180 trick again.
I managed to not spill any of that bad feeling.
One morning I had half an hour wait in the car with D5. I always keep reading books in the glove box for such occassions and there found H’s diary which I am sorry to say I couldn’t resist looking in and which confirmed that his skiing holiday was a whole week. This is still making my blood boil and so was very shaky when I came home (not to mention being angry with myself for looking for trouble). A couple of hours later, still in this troubled frame of mind I walked into the house and H instantly closed an e-mail he was reading. I made a slightly sarcastic apology about interrupting something and went upstairs to the loo. When I came down H was still staring at computer but said I have just had a really horrible e-mail from OW. I asked if that was the first contact he had had with her since he texted her to finish it. He said she had bombarded him with texts, so had her sister. He had been to see her a couple of weeks ago to explain things to her. She has been to his mothers crying . H thinks the whole thing is simple. his naivety amazes me and I feel sorry (am I mad?) for OW who was the primary partner not mistress as far as they were both concerned and was dumped with no warning. I said that her writing such a horrible e-mail was because she was hurt – not sure if I was defending her or myself or just making a statement. I also was rather defensive about my anger towards him before S but we were mercifully interrupted by children. He said he knew we had to talk about things.
I felt much better after that as H was honest about e-mail and OW and is aware that things have to be discussed at some juncture.
We had friends to lunch on Sunday, both of who had sent H e-mails soon after his departure urging him to reconsider. H was nervous about them coming but they were delighted to see him and I think he is relieved to realise that friends are not going to ask for explanations or give him a hard time.
This morning H asked if I had seen his diary as he couldn't find it and it had his ferry booking details in it. I told him where it was with a fair stab of guilt.
He left very reluctantly and sadly but is back on 26th april.
It's lovely to get an update and a very impressive one at that. I do think you are an amazing DBer. Your ability to contain difficult feelings is really laudable. Congratulations.
It sounds as if you have lots more piecing to do but I'm confident that you will be up to it. I'm glad your mutual friends helped to make his re-entry easy too. The vegetarianism bit made me laugh. I imagine that the less you pay attention to it, the more likely that he will return to his previous eating habits in time.
You now have nearly 3 weeks to recharge and train for the next visit. Also, your long distance communication can be productive. Pat yourself on the back first!
Congratulations again.
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I have little time to wax on, but I think your H's movemenbts are HUGE! Being up front about his contact with OW is key, as well as admitting that you'd need to talk. Fantastic you for giving him that space and creating the safety for him to be able to share. That is so very difficult to do!
Just keep reminding yourself that you have the rest of your lives to hash out the differences, but for now, enjoy your second honeymoon and make it last as long as you possibly can.
Slowly