Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He's leaving

Thanks, Sun.

I'm hoping H is calm before the convo. If he didn't sound so mad when I spoke with him, then I don't think I'd be as worried.

Thanks for listening.

Its 10:30pm here in Fl and I know i am probabaly late with this answer. He originally asked you to go with him, you arrange for that to happen an then think he sounds mad. Don't worry he is not mad at YOU. He is mad at himself cause this guy is confused six ways from Saturday. And he is mad at himself cause he can't make up his own mind wether he wants in or out, and even when you tried to make up his mind for him ,he STILL isn't gone. Please don't put all of this on you. You have been doing a good job of detatching, and giving him space.

JV,

Everyone is right. Just listen, validate him.
He is confused and only he can make the choice of staying or going. The fact that he can't says so much. It is hard for you to live with but you have been doing a good job so far.

If he is still here tomorrow, then keep DBing and giving him space. Focus on you and the kids right now. Take one day at a time.

Sherry

Thanks, Sportster and Sherry. As always, I am grateful for everything you all have to say.

The convo just ended...for now. Yeah, "part two" will be later tonight. I can tell you that "part one" was one hell of a roller coaster ride! Two hours of ups and downs. My head is pounding so much right now, so I will try to recall as much as I can:

I took the baby to my parents' earlier, called H and told him to just drop off the boys at his mom's when they were done. H gets in just before 7pm. He is ANGRY . I ask what's wrong, and apparently, MIL put on a ton of pressure before he left there.

H starts off by saying, "I'm f***ing done with this. I'm leaving, I'm packing my s**t up, and this is done." He continues to rage about how unhappy he is with everything and can no longer deal with it. H sees no hope in us. After about 10 minutes, he asks if I have anything to say. I am trying to swallow about a million lumps in my throat and desperately trying to hold back the tears. Knowing that he was just pressured by his mom and seeing how mad he was, I told him I wasn't sure we should talk about this right now since he was so visibly and audibly upset. I told him I don't think he may have been able to think clearly under those circumstances. (I will probably have said a lot of wrong things throughout this convo, sorry, bad DBing).

H was silent for awhile then asked about my thoughts again. The tears are there now, I couldn't hold them back anymore, but luckily I wasn't bawling. I told H if you really want to know my thoughts, I'll tell you, but you may not like them. H says, "Just tell me!" I told him that I do think there is hope, even if it's a small bit, but if he's sure he wants out, then ok. I told him to go on and go. H said he knows from my tears that's not what I want. I said he was right, but if I told or tried to convince him to stay, then that would just be selfish of me.

We talked about good times, and we talked about bad times. We argued, we joked, we yelled, we laughed, and I cried. There were times when H said "I'm leaving", "do you want me out tonight or tomorrow?", and "what can I take with me?". At one point, I said to him that I hope he lives a very happy and full life. H wished me the same. Then there were times he would say that he wasn't leaving! Those times were closer to the end of our convo. Sorry, I meant the end of "part one"!

Everytime H said he wasn't leaving, I told him, "No! You've clearly stated that you are not happy here, so just go!" Then H told me he felt that was impossible because of my crying. I told him that I was very sorry for crying, I just couldn't help it anymore. I told H to forget the tears because it's all about his feelings now, not mine.

Then H begins to tell me how sorry he is for everything. He said, "I'm sorry, JV." I said, "You should be sorry! You knew you weren't happy for years, but you decided to keep your mouth shut! You knew this M was down for a long time, and you never said a word to me to give us the chance of getting it to where we wanted it to be!" How about that 180?! I have wanted to say that to H before whenever he said "sorry", but I don't know why I didn't. I think I was afraid it would anger him, but it didn't! H was quiet for a sec then said, "What do you want me to do, JV? Do you want me to stay?" I told H to just do what he had to do.

After awhile, H asked if I wanted to go to (friend)'s house with him. I said no because my face was all puffy (from crying obviously), and I didn't want to be the party-pooper. H said he was going to take a shower. When he got out, he came to me in the living room and said he was going to pick up one friend to go the party with him. This is his best friend of more than 13 years I mentioned in a previous post, the one who said H was lucky to have me. H said he was only going to be gone for about 2 hours. He said he wanted to talk with (best friend) and (friend he might be moving in with). OMG! What's that saying? "If I could be a fly on the wall..."?

H said after he talks with them, he's "coming home...HERE." He said he will want to talk to me some more then. He gave me some hugs and kisses before leaving.

I am sooooo drained right now. My head hurts. Where's my Motrin?

Thank you, all, for listening tonight and everyday. I'll post "part two" tomorrow. Wish me well please. Thanks again.

In such horribly difficult circumstances you are maintaining incredible dignity and setting an amazing example to everyone around you. Your H knows you are human, but also incredibly strong and dignfied, your in-laws will understand your amazing strength of character and everyone reading your posts see the imporance of keeping it as together as possible when everything is falling apart. You may feel as though you are not DBing, but I suspect if you didn't have these tools, you would be going off and your husband would have left by now with bitter, angry feelings about you in his heart.

Keep to the script, it is making it v difficult for him, because he has to take responsbility for the actions that he's taking, rather than blame your outbursts or other behaviour.

One step at a time.

Keep it up. I'm thinking of you and wishing you every success today, tonight ...

Hang in there

Sounds like this is one confused little puppy JV. He must have changed his mind 25 times during that convo. You are doing wonderfully by NOT making the choice for him to stay. HE KNOWS YOU WANT HIM TO STAY!!!! But he must make the choice on his own otherwise he has the excuse that he stayed out of guilt, you crying, whatever. Sounds like its time to park the kids at the in-laws and so something nice for you- ok?????

Thanks, AussieGirl and Sportster. I needed some uplifting words.

Yes, H is definitely VERY confused and did change his mind about 10+ times last night. Ok now, "part two":

H called just after 11pm to see what I was doing and asked if I needed him to pick anything up. I asked him to get me some more Motrin or Tylenol if he didn't mind. He said no problem. He sounded cheery.

H gets home and goes about like everything is fine, so I go along with it. I took the Tylenol and was falling asleep on the couch while H was playing cards online. I was sleeping, but every now and then, I could hear H talking to me about the hands he was playing. I think it was about 1:30am when H woke me up and said let's go to bed.

I changed into my nightie (his favorite one I might add) then we get into bed. H holds me from behind and begins saying, "I don't know what words I can say to you to make things feel better.....I'm not moving my things out.....I want us to be happy together, or I don't want us to be together at all." Then he repeated the last statement. His tone seemed to be very "matter of fact". H turned on his back. After a minute, I turned and put my arm around his front side. I took this opportunity to initiate kissing then H initiated !

So last night ended on a positive note. This morning, I'm not so sure.

I went to pick up the baby from my parents' house earlier. My stepdad's brother has moved in already, and I can see that my mom is trying to hide her unhappiness about that sitch. When I returned home, to my surprise, H had breakfast made for me! So I'm eating, and I mention to H how miserable my mom is. Then H said, "Oh, you mean like I am?" I'm thinking, "Ok. That does NOT help things. What is going on now?!", but I turned my head away and said nothing more.

Things were pretty quiet after that. I stayed out of his way, and H said nothing to me. H got himself ready while I got the boys dressed. H, S9, and S5 went to H's grandparents' for Easter. The baby (who is doing better BTW) and I are home.

I am beginning to feel just as confused as H. Last night he was miserable and wanted out. Then he wants to stay and we're intimate. This morning, H says he's miserable again.

I have told him not to stay since he's not happy here. I think I've given him every opportunity to go. I'm beginning to feel like H IS staying out of guilt. I could be wrong, but I really don't think so.

BTW, Happy Easter, everyone!

Just try to stay on an even keel and not get caught up in the highs or lows. H is telling you that he wants to stay and to be happy. Try not to take his pronouncements too much to heart but DO listen to the clues he's giving you. what does it take to bring some positives back into your sitch? How are you doing with putting together some goals?

Sage

Hi, Sage.

Quote:

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...what does it take to bring some positives back into your sitch? How are you doing with putting together some goals?

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I came up with a few goals after reading DR the first time. Even after reading DR a second and third time, they have not changed. So for me, here's what it would take to bring back some positives into our R:

1. H would take me out more often to see a movie, play pool, go to the city, etc. H would arrange for the babysitter(s) every now and then and surprise me. (No poker though - I don't consider that to be "together" time.)

2. H would talk to me more. About anything is fine so we could be friends again. He would speak to me with less anger/irritability in his tone when and if he's stressed about work, kids, money, etc. I'm here to listen and do my best to comfort H, but I don't always want to be vented on. (This is a daily thing.)

3. H would hold my hand, put his arm around my waist, etc as we walk TOGETHER, side by side. He would make me feel like his one and only woman. (When we are walking with each other, H walks ahead of me. I feel left behind.)

These are all good things that used to exist in the earlier years of our R. I always felt special to H. I felt like he really loved me.

I would also have to say that I have noticed a baby step since looking over my goals again. H is sharing his feelings with me more often. They're not exactly the ones I want to hear, but he is sharing and that's good.

I reread DR last night and came to the part where Michele says to pick a time to tell H about my goals, but since our M is barely hanging by a thread, I should not. Although H said he wanted to be together the other night, last night he said he still was so confused about whether or not he wants to be here.

I don't want to lay on any more pressure (intentional or not). I don't want to deliver an ultimatum, but I feel like I'm right around the corner from doing so. I don't know how much more I can stand. In our convo the other night, I told H that I am tired. I am so tired of all of this. I just want to move on, and I feel like he won't let me. I told H if I move on with him, great. If not, then so be it. Either way, I'm ready. I really am. I know it's going to be rough going down either road, but I am ready to do it.

Thanks for listening.