Thanks-that is true. I never really looked at it that way before. One of my H's complaints is that I hold too much in and don't speak what is on my mind. He thinks I am just a people pleaser. I am sure I will get emotional but he doesn't like to see me cry. He doesn't understand that that is a release for me. It makes him feel bad like he is the one who made me cry.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine....I was LD for most of the marriage and my H had a lot of anger once I became a sexual being again. Making matters worse, my H was never open sexually and didn't communicate his needs well...but he still wanted sex! My wanting him in that way made him feel desired...I never really understood this need until the shoe was on the other foot.
When we started counseling, the therapist pointed out to me that my H was one angry man. I never found any evidence of an affair, but like NOPs points out, it's a path that conflict-avoiders can take rather than deal with the issues at hand. I hope your H is not involved with someone...that is going to make it an uphill battle.
Everyone talks about having good communication, that it's all about communication, blah,blah, blah...but I have come to realize that it is true---you have to feel comfortable talking about this stuff, not once, but many, many times. Til this day, after all the work we have done, my H will tell me he can't deal when I am being "negative". We both have had such high expectations of the other...the counseling really helped us understand what a realistic marriage is all about.
I want to mention that in the counseling my H admitted to feeling jealous about my doting on the kids and not him...it's not just about sex, it's about affection as well. Also, my H was awkward about coming forward and coming up with ideas to make our sex life exciting: to me, it became routine and about him, and it lead to the LD. I am learning to take more responsiblity here and assert myself, and my H is now less self-absorbed.
I think the counseling is a great idea...I know my H was able to hear things from the therapist that he could not have otherwise.
Great advice. My H thankfully is not a conflict avoider. He will tell me things that he wants and then asks me what I want. I am not as detailed when it comes to ML I have a hard time expressing what I want. I just know I want him. I have been trying to think about it more and try other things, keep an open mind. But I think that he still wants me to open up and give him details. I am trying but am not sure how to do this exactly. Any ideas?
One other question. I know that each person's story is so different with different variables but I am going to go ahead and ask anyway. How long has it taken some of you or your spouses to really difuse some of the anger that has built up? I know that my H still has a lot but even in the past few weeks I have seen him lighten up a little. Any comments about this? -B
Well, we had another good day. I actually wouldn't say good but not bad either. That is 5 in a row. Although a couple of things struck me weird last night. My H was joking around about me giving him the cold shoulder I said hey now that's not fair. He chuckled and said we'll see how long that lasts. He then preceeded to say just because we have been getting along lately doesn't mean that I still don't have thoughts. I asked what that meant and he said that he still had doubts. I agreed and said I would expect him to. He then turned and said ok Dr. Philus.
I understand that he is skeptical about the change but I hope that that is all there is. I hope he is not just putting on an act-I don't know why he would at this point. I guess I am just so scared about being blind sided again. I didn't realize the problems we had until it all blew up in my face. I am also wondering if there might be a bit of depression that he is dealing with. The C said it sounded like there were some self worth issues going on. If so I am not sure how to handle that. I have read the chapter in DR and he has already said he would not get on medication. He doesn't want to "be numb to the world." The strange thing is when I brought it up he did not deny it and this is a very proud and outspoken man. I guess we will let the C address this one.
Maybe I am just overanalyzing everything at this point. I should just be happy with as far as we have come over the past couple of weeks. We'll see how tonight goes.
He hasn't brought up any guilt issues recently but more "pent up anger" as he has said.
I am trying to walk that fine line of letting him have his space and showing him that I care and am interested in him. Any ideas of something nice that I could do for him that wouldn't be going overboard? I am trying to be a little more subtle about things so he doesn't feel so overwhelmed by change.
Thanks guys I feel that we are headed on the right track. I really appreciate all of the feedback.
Now going on day 7. We'll see if tonight goes well it will have been a whole week. I never thought I would hear myself say that. We have been getting along better and I think H has lightened up a little bit. I still sense a lot of anger that he is working on. I think I need to back off a little bit and let him chase a little but I am not sure how. Like I said before I want to just jump on him and show him how much I love him but know that is not the route to take.
I am still racking my brain for some little things to do that are fun, different and not over the edge. Also do things that are a turn on without really looking too pushy. What has worked for anybody else in the past? -B
I am putting my slant on your situation ( I am married 18yrs, I'm 42) however I have also dealt with an angry, resentful spouse with mid-life issues and difficulty expressing emotions. I also had concerns that another woman was in the picture ( never found evidence though). My advice: 1. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster 2. Be aware that your H's mixed emotions will last awhile 3. Focus on yourself 4. Don't analyze H 5. Go to MC 6. Make weekly plans for fun 7. Offer something wonderful...a happy home life 8. Stay strong...stay positive...expect confusion
I feel from your posts that you expect the situation to turn around quickly, and for your sake I hope it does (my H and I had a lot more time to screw things up).
Thank you for all of the words of advice. I am hoping that I will just wake up from this whole nightmare to having my H say that he has suffered from some form of temporary insanity. LOL. But I know that is not going to happen.
I have taken stock in what I have done and the progress that we have made, which has been considerable. H gives me mixed messages and I know it is because he is confused. He is afraid that we will digress. It bugs him that I am trying so hard and it bugs him that I touch him all the time. He says he likes it but doesn't know how to react to it yet. Says he feels it is forced and that he wants it to be a natural progression. That sometimes he just needs his space. I told him that I understood and just to tell me when he needs his space. I also said that the changes I have made have resulted in me being a happier person and overflows to him and being a good wife and tapping into a side of me that I hadn't explored (LD/HD).
It sounds like you have come a long way from where you started. I guess it is comforting to hear from somebody who has "been there done that". I feel as though I am walking a tightrope as far as not to go too far one way or another. Being loving but distant, distant but not self absorbed or selfish, affectionate but not too touchy feely, helpful but not desperate. He feels I am acting this way out of desperation. I just told him that I needed a swift quick in the ass and I was sorry for not having seen things before they got to this point. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? I think you have some valuable lessons learned that could help.
Your H is in a state of confusion...my best advice is to be self-confident, strong and yes, sexy! Make a plan and stay with it...be consistent. If you do 180's on your 180's and you'll end up running in circles.
My H and I went to a very experienced MC in the NYC area...his best advice: have fun together!
Keep posting/venting...and repeat after me " patience is a virtue."
Thanks IHJ!! You are soooo right. That is exactly what I am doing and he is coming to me instead. It is amazing the amount of progress that we have made. In fact last night he said he was excited at how well we were getting along. He also said that he was being cautious about it. He is still worried things are going to go back the way they were (which I don't blame him). On Thursday night he even slipped and told me that he still really does love me. I just about had a heart attack! I knew it but was shocked it came out of his mouth. I was thrilled to say the least. Besides that night I have not said any ILU's. I don't want to add extra pressure. We are moving into our new place today and are both very excited. (In case you haven't read my other thread-when we moved a few months ago we were waiting for a rental to come up and have been living in my in-laws basement.) As you can imagine this can only help our situation. I can't believe the difference in H. He has also been talking about the future together which includes me and possibly more kids, cuddles with me, hangs around me, is more considerate. I just don't want to get too excited. This has been such a roller coaster that I am scared to let my guard down.
You are so right. Patience.Patience.Patience. Got it! Thanks!
