Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Ladies, please tell us about manly behavior.

A live-in bf I had many years ago did a something that I thought was particularly manly--

One night we were in bed alseep and the phone rang. He answered it and all he said was, "I'll be right there." He started to get up and of course I asked, "Who was that?" He said, "Cathy has to go to the ER."

Well, Cathy was a "friend" of mine, a VERY difficult person-- cranky, demanding, abrasive. My bf hated to be around her, and several times had commented that she seemed like a negative influence in my life and wished I would stop seeing her. (He was right, and eventually I did.) She lived alone and couldn't think of anyone else to call in the middle of the night.

Later she told me with awe and gratitude that when she called that night, all she had said (in her usual abrupt manner) was, "This is Cathy. The doctor says I have to go to the hospital." Without hesitation, questions, qualifications, or excuses, my bf said (as I had heard on my end), "I'll be right there." Not WE'LL be right there-- he was fully intending to go alone and not even bother me by waking me.

This incident still moves me 28 years later. To me, this is the epitome of manliness: seeing what needs to be done and doing it-- no excuses, no whining, no shirking.

I always think of the firemen and other emergency workers on 9-11-- when everyone else was running from the distaster (and appropriately so!) THEY were striding into it, doing what needed to be done.


On a lighter note... there was another time when I was single that a rat-- a big one!-- got into the apartment and drowned in the toilet. Poor guy-- but yuck! I could NOT picture how I was going to get it out of there. Tongs? Rubber gloves? The idea of touching it-- even through layers of rubber-- was intolerable. (Now that I've lived in the country for 13 years, all such squeamishness has long since disappeared.)

But on that day, a friend came over later (not a bf) and I said sweetly, "Would you do me a big favor and remove a dead rat from my toilet?" Without missing a beat, and with a big smile, he said, "I would LOVE nothing more than to remove a dead rat from your toilet!." And he did, God bless him.

There's that quality again of stepping up to the plate and doing the unpleasant task cheerfully and graciously.

Here's another list of 'irritating' bloke behaviour:

STUFF THAT MEN DO THAT I HATE:

1. Leaving his dirty clothes on the floor by the bed.

2. Eating biscuits in bed and leaving crumbs in the sheets.

3. Complaining about messy house when he hasn't been there to do any OR making a negative remark but then not off-setting it with a positive remark.

E.G, if my H makes a negative remark and I process what he has said and change it and then next visit he notices the positive change and comments on it, it makes it okay.

4. If he interprets my caring enquiries as 'nagging' and says 'For God's sake woman, shutup'.

5. If he makes a negative remark in front of my friends.

6. If he contradicts me in front of the kids or tries to boss me around with how I mother them (this one drives me insane).

7. When he doesn't return calls/emails and says 'whatever' when we are discussing something we can't agree on.

8. If he doesn't contact me to ask how my day has been or send me racy text messages for a while and when he hasn't initiated sex for longer than 1 week, I start to feel unloved, unattractive.

9. When he answers 'I expect so' to my plans, which is not a yes or a no, so I am left thinking 'what??'

10. Watching football or calling up mate on cell phone straight after sex.

Jo.

Are we talking generally or in bed?

In bed I would say

being the active rather than the passive partner especially when he has initiated.
(there have been many times when my partner has initiated but then rolled over on his back, laid there while I bj then let me climb aboard, while he does not a lot, then when I'm finished let me continue bj til he's done ) I don't mind this at all if I have been the initiator - it's the tap on the shoulder - hey I need sex but I'm not prepared to do much about it bit that gets me down.

The role of protector is a big one, both physically and emotionally, stand by your woman, let her know you are there for her.

Not whinging or sulking - just lay it on the line if there's something you're not happy with by all means yell if need be but then calm down and let W assimilate the information without continued simmering.

If W asks "how do I look?" when she's all dressed up she wants a compliment and a little constructive criticism - she does not want "Yeah - great" without really even looking and she does not want something totally negative. If it is great then look at her properly - goggle those eyes and say WOW! If it's not so great say - "Yeah - great but you know what it needs and then suggest a small change - different pair of shoes or some jewellry or something. Just to show you're paying attention.

NEVER steal W's sayings, jokes, witty remarks, smart ideas etc without attribution especially not in front of her.

NEVER lie to company to make a story sound better when W knows it's a lie. That really makes you a mouse not a man.

Cry if you need to - no problem there.

Physically active stuff is always manly.

That's it for now. Unfortunately H is not all that manly I'm afraid. There have been many times when I just look at him and think you wimp. But he can't help the way he is and I try not to worry about it - after all I picked him. But it's when he does the manly testoterone stuff at me when he's angry that makes me mad, why can't he use some of that where it's more appropriate?

Fran

Whether you're a man or a woman, the best thing is to be yourself, only moreso. Find the worst parts of yourself - anger, violence, narcism, insecurity - find out what triggers it, where it came from, how to channel it in ways that won't hurt your loved ones. Find the best parts of yourself - strength, compassion, competence, introspection - and find ways to apply them to every situation and interaction in your life. Find the best parts of yourself and act from those places.

But can you really be anything else except yourself?

SM

I liked Solid's reply. I fell in love with my H for a reason..I liked his qualities and, back then, he was on his best behavior to make the most of said good qualities. So he was being himself, only moreso.

At any rate, here is my list:

1. Self assuredness
2. Hard working
3. Physically strong
4. No scaredy cats
5. Has the capacity to love and commit, with ferocity--no wishy washy-ness
6. Goes after what he wants, in a kind and respectful way
7. Courteous
8. Gentle when needed
9. In touch with his emotions but no crybaby, all the same
10. Loves his kids and cares for them, body and soul
11. He hates to see his lady cry
12. Has a good appetite (LOL, what can I say..I think cheffy food with 4 ounces total on the plate is baloney)
13. Does the right thing
14. Is able to stand by his convictions and beliefs and not be swayed by the crowd
15. Is adept at catching mice and changing light bulbs and oil. Jumps out of bed at the first sound of the boogey man or a crying child. Is good at lawn mowing and weed whacking. Likes to paint and do honey-do projects.
16. Knows how to buy a car and get the most vehicle for your money. (btw, I once had a car salesman call me a week after my H bought a truck and he said, I just wanted you to know that your H got a GOOD deal on that car..I shouldn't have let it get away at that price. I replied, Okaaaaaaaay. Then he made some remark about wanting to check on how H liked his purchase but I secretly think he was just calling to grouse)
17. Does not like to craft or scrapbook or any other 'female' hobby.
18. Is a good listener to his wife and children.
19. Comes straight home after work because he misses his family.
20. Compassionate
21. Strong during a crisis
22. And, FINALLY, has uncontrollable passion for his woman.

How's that for a list!

This was very thought provoking and I could have kept going and going but I understand that no one wants to read long posts.

I have to tell you, NOP, that I thought of my H as I was writing this out--he was my inspiration.
Is this some kind of reverse psychology deal where you are secretly trying to get us all to love and appreciate our fellas more?
It's working!

Honey

NOP,
You answered your own question over on csws thread. ...A man of steel is never grabby/touchy/needy...

Honeypot,

You don't ask for much...

This is a great list, in my opinion. I'm going to copy it over to my save and reference file...

What bothers me about many ladies requirements is that they’ll say something like “I want a guy that is confident and can cry, but only cries at the right time/place.” After being “strong” in the wrong situation or “crying” in the wrong situation a guy starts look for hints as to what the lady is looking for...then it’s not real. I finally gave up and do what I think is the right thing for me.

"After being “strong” in the wrong situation or “crying” in the wrong situation ..."

I was just guilty of above! I was strong but now think I should have been tender. To me, tenderness comes easily. I am not a crybaby. W didn't want me to be tender, clearly, so despite my desire to be tender, I was strong. My prob is that by showing strength in light of my past tenderness, Is W going to think I am not being true to myself?

I had a similar reaction to yours, lacknlovn!

I thought about this this weekend and found that a variety of men were manly with all kinds of different behavior! The key seemed to be being okay and confident with who they were and letting that attract whoever it attracted! They don't try to "make" people like them. They were good people, so no major character flaws that needed correction. They also tend to recognize their mistakes and quirks, be okay with the fact that they have them like everyone does, and not let it twist them all up inside. Admit, correct if possible, and move on. They also have similar reactions to other people's quirks and mistakes. Sense of humor about themselves.

Quote:

---

Honeypot,

You don't ask for much...

---

hahaha.

What can I say...I do have HIGH standards.

My H lives up to these and more, but the uncontrollable passion is still something we are working on. He is currently at the intermittant passion phase.

Now aren'tcha all glad you're not married to ME!