1. Go to bed earlier so you actually go to bed WITH your W instead of after her. === (Doing that sometimes)
2. Take more interest in your joint friends who WEREN'T computer buffs. === (W does not like any of my friends and they are normal people. It has been this way since 1970. She leaves the room when they come to the house.
Her friends almost never get invited home or out to a function. If I invite her friends she said she will stay in the bed room until they leave. W is slowly taking interest in some of her relatives again.
3. Don't leave motherboards and modems lying around the floor. ==== ( I don't, they are on the bed head board. I guess I better move them. (printer parts in my case) Just kidding, but not kidding Jo.
4. Arrange some time to talk with W about nothing, just gossip and fun. === (I have been doing some of that.)
Many years of her disliking my work and friends has taught me to be quiet at home. As you might remember, my W loves to talk about consumer products like things you buy in big department stores. If we talk about consumer items she gets the bug=(compulsive interest) to go shopping. I try to stay away from those topics but W talks frequently go there.)
5. You might find the intimacy gets a bit better if you do. === (Been talking about some small things. Fewer eye rolls from W. Sloooooow process. Half step foward, half step back type of thing, but sloooooowly it's working)
You don't want to go down the road I did with my H. ===(no I don't, but was to that point last year amd mentally there several times this year.)
Progress report: All of our appliances (clothes washer, dryer, and similar machines found in the kitchen are in good condition. W bought a dish washer and a new style cloth dryer last evening after I finished work. She was wanting to do this for 2 years. Sears had discontinued models ($400 off) that had a scratched glass in the door and I saw them and pointed them out to W. They get delivered monday. So now I am a good guy. W said thanks for allowing her to spend the money (they went on my CC?) with out giving her a difficult time or getting nasty. W's opinion/behavior, if something is supposed to last 10 years she is looking for a new one around the 6 year mark.
I pointed them out to her because I knew from her past history, when W is read to buy she just buys. Sometimes she does not look for sales or deals. Sometimes it's like she can't go without the item and has to have her fix today. Shopping addiction, its real.
I was thinking, "do I want to spend hundreds of dollars on C so W shops less, or would it be cheaper/less money to let W shop with an equivilent amount of money?
Come to OG Lou's used house hold goods store. Big sale today till 5PM.
Jo, I read your posts and see some things you are doing to win H back. Best wishes. I would advise you but you have a good plan in operation. I hope they all work they way you want then to play out.
The word 'DEPRESSION' screams out at me the more I hear about your W. I think she suffers with depression.
The complusive shopping is a symptom of depression (I know because I did it myself and am usually in the overdraft 3 weeks out of every 4, paying off all the people that need paying off - I have more of a handle on it now but it limits the number of times per week I can go out. The year I didn't see H I spent about Ł4,000). This was purely depression as buying things helped to ease my pain but I wish I hadn't as now it just causes financial worry. I will get by, but can't have much social life for a few months.
Secondly, with her going into the bedroom and staying there when you have friends round - well, that is classic dysfunctional behaviour and I'm talking here from my training in dysfunctional family therapy.
She has low to non-existent self-esteem which causes her to be shy/embarrassed in social situations and cut herself off from the world, and means that she is just making herself more depressed by not participating in social events which would raise her self-esteem. This makes her feel bad about herself so she tries to get all her emotional support from one person - you.
Because she has got into a pattern of not communicating with people and a cycle of just relying on you, she thinks that you will understand her needs without her saying anything ('if he loved me he would know what I want') so she endevours to stress her needs through indirect manipulation or hints and if you don't get it the first time, she will punish you by arguments or withdrawal of intimacy.
Classic behaviour.
First, I would continue to invite her friends round and maybe have a time when you invite yours (you are alowed to have friends). If she stays in the bedroom, ignore this, and carry on inviting them. Maybe ask her if she wants a drink while they are there. Keep doing this until eventually the ice may start to melt a bit and she might start joining in.
If she's talking to her relatives, invite them over as well. Pay for her to go to a class or a spa. Don't ask her what she wants as sufferer's of depression or dysfunction always say 'I don't know' or get stressed out by decisions, so YOU make the decision and just book her a class.
If she starts on about how you are controlling, just say you enrolled her as a present to her and you wanted to surprise her, make it as if you are treating her rather than bossing her around.
If she starts doing more things for herself her self-esteem might rise and you'd find these depression symptoms and lack of intimacy in the M may get better.
Tag said happy Easter and other people on here refer to it. It isn't Easter till tomorrow and the day after (Easter Sunday and Easter Bank Holiday Monday).
Easter always starts on a Sunday, right?
My kids Easter Eggs are still sat in a bag in the kitchen and I won't give them to them until Monday.
I am getting confused. Is this an American thing?
Jo.
PS Lou I don't have a webcam but H does so I can see him but he can't see me, lol!
Okay, so I don't how much of it was alcohol induced, but he seemed pretty lucid to me.
He was just on msn and when I said goodnight he actually called me Hun!
This is MAJOR. He hasn't called me 'Hun' in 3 years!!!!! Not even when we were dating the last time.
He used to call me hun all the time, that was like his pet name for me when we were still married. I haven't heard him say that since before he decided to leave.
I nearly danced around my living room as well as I can with wobbly legs
And he mentioned Greece (the time we got engaged and decided to get pg with dd1).
Honestly, though, the 'Hun' thing is SO significant. I never thought I'd hear him say that.
I've been following your sitch, and I must say that I admire your ability to stay friends with H even through his R with OW. I'm happy for you now that things are friendlier, and that you're dating. Your sitch is true inspiration stuff for me, as I'm approaching the finalization of my D from W with the intention of pressing on with DBing. W is also depresssed, with very negative things to say about me, very low self-esteem, and some isolation from others. Otherwise, she's still the beautiful, bright woman that I fell in love with 11 years ago.
I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I have a question.
You indicated that it took some time before your H started to come around and begin dating you again.
Do you think that a WAH is more likley to return to the LBS than a WAW? I know it is a really general question. I am just interested in hearing a woman's thoughts on that impression. I am trying not to put too much thought or focus on my W's inclinations to seek a new R in the future, but I have wondered about this angle at times.
