The thing about his response and why it made me curious was that has not been his usual response to my anger esp. if he thinks I am mad at him. Anyway, can't figure it out, so I will stop thinking about it.
Another interesting thing happened yesterday that I forgot to mention. We have a friend who knows the situation. We used to do things with them(her and her husband-he knows too) all the time. She has been wonderful and a great support for me. She is working on forgiving H and wants us to continue our friedship (as couples).
Well she wanted us to go out to eat about 3 to 4 weeks ago. I asked H and he said he really didn't want to do that. So, I said that was fine and we didn't go.
Yesterday she talked to H and suggested going out again. I asked H and he said that we could do that. He had had a few drinks so I will ask him again to make sure but he wasn't drunk or even close to it.
The thing about his response and why it made me curious was that has not been his usual response to my anger esp. if he thinks I am mad at him. Anyway, can't figure it out, so I will stop thinking about it.
Good move. And maybe his response wasn't about being mad at you? But like you wrote, no need to think about it.
I think that is a good sign. Any thoughts?
Oh yes Look for baby steps, not signs. Look for actions, not words.
And here's something to think about when it comes to looking for signs and analyzing looks on faces, remarks, actions, yadda, yadda:
Things aren't always what they appear to be. Things could be working out in our favor, and we don't see it, because a big neon sign doesn't start flashing. What's going on in invisible, mostly. Because of that, there's the tendency to look at a lot of little things and try to figure out if it's a positive or not, to see if we're on the right track or not. But because we can't really tell... something that looks like a negative might actually turn out to work for the positive... and vice versa... we should just stick with the overall game plan and keep on doing what we're doing for the most part, focusing on the major strategies. Doing that keeps us consistent in our approach rather than changing it needlessly or prematurely with every different presumed interpretation of our WAS's moods and actions.
Besides, it's not any one thing that's going to change everything. He may agree to go, and then in two days, decide he doesn't want to go. Or he may end up going and react negatively about it, or vice versa, and what seemed like a positive becomes a negative... or vice versa... See what I mean?
I have watched alot of moview too about affairs...It seems like they make a lot of them. Alot of them I watched with H and he did not utter a word. The best one was little black book, have you seen it? It kind of hit home in our sitch because she was spying (which I did) and he had this whole other life she had no clue about. Anyway after the movie was over I said to H, that was a good movie and he agreed! My H does not think that he is THOSE people who cheat. He thinks he is a confused person and obviously has no problem doing whatever the hell he feels like. My H is disaccociating himself with that behavior. Not good for me, but that is what I see. Your H probably sensed your anger and was afraid to inquire why because you have not brought it up in so long, he thinks it is coming and doesnt want to open pandoras box. That is what I see.
NY is right...baby steps not signs...that is definitely one. Don't put too much weight on it though and remember...no expectations. You are doing great...no mention of ow in R for HOW LONG???
The cell phone bill came in. 4000 minutes on his phone. The minutes have gone up each month. He says he is not seeing her at all. So what??? I don't care at this point.
So I left the house and cried my eyes out.
I came to a conclusion. I can't do this during the summer. We are both teachers. It would be like one endless weekend for a 2 1/2 months. Weekends are hard. Work distracts me. I know I cannot survive the summer without worrying about it. He won't being seeing ow because they won't be at work. I can live with the calling but not the sneaking off to see her.
So.... I did it. I called H after my cry and we talked for a long time. I told him he had to choose. I know, I know. I can't take it back and I am not sure I want to. I told him my apprehension about the summer. I told him again that if he can't end it, then I need to move on and I have some decisions to make. Those decisions have to be made now. If I move I have to start filling out applications now. I can't wait. Of course I did not get an answer, which is normal. I left the convo last night with, since you won't answer, then I will act like we are over and start making plans. If you want me to stop then you need to tell me.
I went out on the couch to cry again. He came out, put his hand out and said will you come with me. I went. He took me and laid down, holding me very lightly. We fell asleep.
This morning I asked him not to call ow, to make this decision on his own. He said she wouldn't influence him. Yeah, right. He did agree though. I called him on his way to work and told him to call her if he wanted, it didn't matter. The weird thing is he asked me to hold and he put his headset on (he has that because he can't talk to ow and drive his standard car). He has never put the headset on for me. I always get, gotta go, I gotta shift. So we had another convo while he drove to work. Mostly me talking. But he didn't cut it off like he normally does. He wanted to know what I tought about him holding me last night. I just said I honestly don't know. He wouldn't elaborate either. He mentioned (more than once) my wedding rings which I have not been wearing, ( I took them off on Saturday--I have been wearing them on and off for a while--they are very loose). They sit on my counter in our bedroom. I mean you have to look to notice them there. I asked why he was concerned about that. He of course would not answer.
I stayed home from work today. Wasn't sure if I would hold it together at school. H actually called me at lunch to check on me.
Right now I just don't know. I know the summer will drive me crazy. I know this is not what we are supposed to do. But I know I can't do this in the summer.
I am prepared to move on without him. That is what I am expecting right now, for him to choose her. He has said he needs to crash and burn before he can end it with her, well he can go crash.
Sherry I'm so sorry! Damn those phones and technology! H's cell phone has been such a source of anger, hurt and everything else. I understand how upset you are.
I'm a little confused by the coming out and then holding you all night. Did he speak at all during the holding? And isn't it weird how you can say the things you did to him and he say NOTHING?!? My H has done the same thing to SO many things I've said to him. Important things that I feel need a response immediately, yet he still just looks at me like he's mute.
Do you think he's mulling over his "choice" or do you think he's made up his mind? He still sounds confused to me. I say that since your situation is parallel to mine and that's what everyone keeps telling me. I know we can't force our H's to stop calling their OW, that's got to be something they decide for themselves. I'm heartbroken for you. Keep us posted. We're here to listen!
Ohhh, Sherry. I am so deeply sorry. My heart aches for you right now, sweetie. I wish I knew what to say that would help you feel just even the slightest bit better. I've been thinking off and on about my H's unexplained calls to OW, and it just kills me to think that H might still want to talk to and/or see OW. I feel like giving that ultimatum, too, but I don't think I'm capable of doing that just yet.
Sherry, I am so sorry. You have been doing so wonderfully, and it hurts to hear that you are so down. Vent when you need to, cry when you need to, and know that we're all here beside you.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
First I am SO SORRY you are feeling this way. My H's cellphone minutes are that high too EVERY month. It is a problem that H still cant see. The money that he is costing us is making it hard for me to make ends meet. The other day when I listed on my post that I had a bad night and morning was that I too told my H to choose. I said you can live here and have all that life has to offer WITHOUT OW or you can choose to continue talking to OW but then you have to leave. That is why we had such an up and down weekend with him threatening to leave. Listen it was not a threat, leave, I want him to leave if this is going to continue. But my H is still there, and I have not talked about it since. Just trying to do my own thing. I have alot of the same thoughts as you, if things are not going to be worked on then let me move on and find happiness too. This is so hard, but remember what strengths you do have no matter what happens, and that is your kids. I cant write much more right now but I will post later ok?
Look for baby steps, not signs. Look for actions, not words.