When I got home H was in the shower. When he got out I was on the computer. He said "hey" sounding very down. I asked what was wrong. He said he had a headache and crawled into bed and under the covers.
No convo beyond that. He did not ask me about what I did last night this morning either. I was gone past 8 which is unusual for a school night. Oh well...
I have decided to wait until the kids are gone next week to bring up his decision. I have decided that if he doesn't know at that time. I will be gone when his parents come to bring the kids back. He will have to say something to them if I am not around for a few days and nights and not there for Easter.
Say, guys, if you pray to whoever, whatever you pray to, would you mind making that into a prayer for me, that if my WAW and I could be truly wonderful for each other, that the eyes of her heart be opened and look toward me?
Oh NY.... I will do that for you. Believe me. All of you have been in my prayers since I have been on this site. NY...are you doing okay today....I am here for you.
Am I doing well today? Actually, no. Funny, right? Here I am writing "detach!", "don't dwell" but I'm permitting myself to miss her deeply today. This is also no help but I'm listening to Chris Isaak singing 'Forever Blue', because the lyrics are dead on what I'm feeling, and I'm just letting it out and working through it:
"Nobody ever warns you
or tells you what to do.
She walks away, you're left to stay alone, forever blue.
The stars have all stopped shining.
The sun just won't break through.
Each day's the same. More clouds, more rain.
You're left forever blue.
Forever blue 'cause you love her, but she doesn't love you.
You did your best. Life did the rest.
You're left forever blue.
No reason left for living. Still there's a lot to do:
New tears to cry. Old songs to sing.
And feel forever blue.
And be forever blue."
I'll be OK. It's just part of the process. Thanks for your care. Don't neglect my prayer request, I'm covering all bases.
Ny... I could tell by your responses that you were having a hard day. Remember that we are all here for you too! We all rely on you everyday to help us out.
Okay...here it goes! Turn off that damn song! Think about some positive things...even if it is about the WAW. We will all have times when we are sad or depressed but we must think positive and look ahead. If you backslide it only pulls you back. Look back at all of the threads that you have written. You are a smart man and dont let yourself get in the trap that you tell us not to get into. Go GAL....go pamper yourself a little.
You are truely a great guy and I will keep you in my prayers.
Just like you would do to me if I was sitting there dwelling..>WHACK WHACK. Turn off the song. Stop thinking about it and put your focus on something else. We all rely on you to be our rock here, so dont fail us now.
Write her a note today to get the thoughts out of your system then throw it away, never to be read. OK?
NY, you are definately in my prayers. Like Blonde said, all of you are. You are such a strong support for all us.
I ditto what she said. We all have those days where we are down for some unexplainable reason. But as you say-- Don't stay there and focus on YOU!!!
Well, I get an email from H. Just a picture. I comment on it and ask where he found it. He said under an image search for headache. So I asked if he still had one and he said yes (he had one last night when I got home)
He then responded with --Did you have fun last night? ( I did NOT bring it up). Then, I was messed up (a nicer version of his exact words) when you came in so I didn't notice if you changed into your stylish jeans, the khakis you had on when you left in the morning were fine. Okay... the jeans are Levis and not stylish, just jeans, jeans that fit me nicely ( I might add LOL) and I had the kids with me. Then H suggested I go out with ---(he named a few of my friends) over spring break and have marguritas and basically get drunk. I am not even going to try and figure this one out. He is truly confused. Maybe he will feel better if I am going out and having fun. Who knows.
So, I did NOT respond to that one. About 25 minutes later he emails again. He explains that he was not tipsy or drunk last night that he had a headache. Okay, so what. I didn't question him or suggest he was. I guess he was worried about the wording of his email "messed up." Who knows.
Spring break should be fun. (I am being sarcastic for those of you who didn't catch that).
I think I am going to stay put (not move) for now. I talked to my mom for a long time and she suggested to wait and think and not to act too quickly. I still want H to leave if he can't end his R with ow, though. So....I still have a lot to think about. Whether to stay in the house, finances, etc. I have decided if he leaves I will probably trade the van in for something more economical. My mom has offered to watch D4 if they can get moved down here before school starts next year. So, I am making plans and moving ahead ever so slowly.
