Sherry,Sun- This has been driving me to rolaids for months now- I gotta ask you both- Who the hell do you guys have a cell phone plan with that you get these outrageous bills every month.??? Don't really tell me, though. If your H's insist that they talk to these OW the LEAST they can do is make sure they have a free mobile to mobile, or get a rate plan that has lots of anytime minutes or free nights or something!!! I can't believe you guys are letting them put you into financial fiascos every month with this cell phone crap. When my H suddenly came home with the phone under the guise of it was for when we go out on the bike, and not one day later I find out shes been calling him non stop (it was in the beginning so she had alot of her tale to tell and snare my H with). I asked how do you not pay alot for minutes and he said they have free mobile to mobile. A few months later her H smashed her phone, so now my H had to up his minutes plan ( we were apart by then , i now had my own phone, same as H's ,so at least if WE talked it was free as well). Last time I discussed phones with him he said he hardly uses his 1,000 minutes (she must have gotten a new phone with the same plan they had before) . If they are gonna talk to these OW, make them get their own damn phone and pay the bill out of their money. I realize you are both still paying bills together this may be tough. WHEW! Had to get that off my chest.
Sherry, I know you acted from the bottom of the rollercoaster ride feeling like you couldn't take another second of it and I know part of you is relieved and part of you wishes you hadn't done it and part of you wonders how this will work itself out...
But you can't back down now and you know that! If you back down, all's lost. He'll forever know that he's got you wrapped and any request you ever make for him to change will never have any force. So now you have to see it through, no matter how it goes.
The ultimatum was the absolute last resort. It's that ultimatums are basically threats, and the motivation for someone to act on an ultimatum therefore is fear (fear of termination of your relationship, in this case). Fear makes a lousy reason to love someone, because you can't compel someone to love you. It will come down one way or the other, and I hope it works for you.
It has been an up and down kind of day. When I think I am okay, the tears come again.
I am not sure what H thinks or if he just thinks this is another empty threat. I have asked him to leave before but have not followed it up with any action.
I am not even sure if I will get an answer from him or if he will just make me start taking action. I just know I can't do this during the summer. That means I need to act now.
It is scary to think about this and overwhelming. We do not have the finances to support two households. I hate that for my kids. If it were just me then it would be different. We live a comfortable life and the kids are used to that.
I don't think H has a clue how things will change but he needs to get out there and see it isn't always greener on the other side and he can't spend money like he is used to doing. He will be paying child support. I have been thinking about this for awhile now and I know he hasn't. He has been in his little fantasy world. He will also have to come clean and tell his family and people will begin to find out. I have already told him I am not lying anymore for him. I also told him me and the kids will not be going to Easter dinner with his family. I refuse to go and act like everything is okay.
You know where I am in my deal. I've come real close do doing the ultimatum thing just like you did. In my opinion, you did nothing wrong. I wish I had the b***s to do what you did this morning. None of us can physically be there but you've got to know, we're here for you even if only through an internet connection.
Sherry, I'm getting close to dropping the "after the last resort" conversation on my W even though she is already out of the house. I chicken out because like NY said, you have to be willing to stick to it once you've dropped the news. I'm not ready to do that. But you, you showed us all the strength it takes to stand up for yourself. Cry all you want to, you're better than him dammit!
If you need to vent, chat, question or anything else away from the board, please do not hesitate to email me at: matthewf@surfcity.net
Sherry, this does go against the DBing principles...but it is posted all over this board that you are the only one whod can decided how much you can put up with. You've read my thread, you know that I go back and forth, the only thing keeping me from doing it now is that I have no idea what the interaction is between them right now and I choose to act as if there isn't any.
I agree with NY, you have to stick to what you said. Continue to detach, now the hard part comes: Since your H did not tell you what you were hoping (the problem with ultimatums)you have to move forward with your plan to transfer and move. That doesn't mean that you have to close the door to reconciliation.
Your H is confused, if he wasn't he either would have left you already or stopped contact with ow. Honestly, if he would have done either of those things still doesn't mean he wouldn't be confused.
Get out DR and re-read it and post your new goals. They should be changing now since you just changed the situation.
Go to the gym tonight if you haven't...you'll feel better.
H hasn't made his decision one way or the other. I am prepared to follow through. I have really thought about this and know I can't survive the summer with both of us being home and him continuing the R (even just talking as he calls it).
H has come home and at first he seemed unsure of how to act but now is acting "normal." I asked him to fix the kids a sandwich then I went to take a shower. He actually came in and asked if I wanted one. He is joking with the kids. He initiated a hug earlier when he got home.
Soooo.... he is hoping I will let this go, getting ready to leave and trying to soften the blow, or maybe just maybe stay and work on the marriage. I will not get my hopes up. I mean he has not said a word about that or us and I don't expect him to. I will have to bring it up.
I looked on line at apartments today. I printed something out and it is out for H to see. I still haven't decided about the move but will follow through on starting this process.
Wow Sherry, you sound like you already have some bounderies in place, like no Easter Dinner. Thats gonna be a shocker to his family. But you let HIM tell them, not you. I am sure they will call you (my inlaws did) . At that point you can be as suportive as you want to be, or not at all. I agree that your H will get some sticker shock once he has to live on one income. Sounds like you are mentally prepped for taking care ofyou/ your children financially and thats a good thing. Its good that you are prioritizing. As for the actual filing and D stuff, if he wants it make HIM do it. I know you don't want him draggin his butt till summer, but you can tell him that if he wnats this (and you agree) he needs to do it , and start promtly so that you can care for yourself and your children and adjust without too uch upheaval. If you DON'T wnat all of this, you may just want to see if it will blow over. Our D went through rather quickly (no kids, no alimony, no contesting) but his OW is still waiting and she filed on November 16th! She has 2 kids, and has filed for support, and here they have to go to child view classes. Her H has not gone, and has not paid any support cause it has not been ordered. How do i know all this? Public information, sadly enough. BUT- my xh told me that her d is being held up cause her H doesn't want the court to know how much he makes or where he works. What a crock o' crap.If they order you to tell , ya gotta tell. Period. Either my xH is lying to me, or she is lying to my xH, but the truth is its just sitting there, stalled. No one persuing anything. I feel thats gotta make my xH question it after a period of time." Hmmm you made me get a divorce ow you are draggin your butt getting free from your H? " You sound alot smarter. Before this goes any further though ,PLEASE examine your heart and mindset. Make sure this is what you really want. If he is unyeilding and you cannot deal with it, I don't blame you, and neither will anyone else. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one, and I am finding out being miserable every damn day loses it glamour after about the 100th time you've cried your eyes out. We are all here for you if you need us, so don't forget that.
I know right now you probably have a million different thoughts running through your head about how to proceed from here. Believe me I know, I do it everyday. I have said those words to H a few times but he does not take me seriously. If you want any credibility in what has happened you have to follow through. Unfortunately it is scary and you dont know what is right and wrong anymore. Take a deep breath, and start to make a list of goals for yourself. Start calculating how you will be able to proceed financially. You could approach H and say I have let you think about what I have said for a few days, what is your answer. I fear that would be too much pressure tho. But if you dont bring it up it looks like you werent serious. I am so confused for you right now because I am battling the same thing. I did say the same thing to H just this weekend. But I want him to leave, I will not leave our home. He doesnt want this life then he should leave. I am here for you even if it is just to ramble ok I am thinking of you alot
I think H knows I am serious. I asked him last night when he would make his decision. He said he didn't know. Surprise, his favorite answer. He did say it was terrifying. Of course he didn't elaborate and I didn't ask. But Easter isn't to far off and I will not go if he has not made a decision. It will be hard for him to explain why me and the kids are not there.
Someone earlier said I did this out of fear. I really don't think fear was the factor. It was more hopelessness with the sitch. Fear has kept me there at home. H has repeatedly told me he needs to see it crash and burn before he can end it. I cannot see how that will ever happen if he just continues talking and not experiencing life and all the stresses everyday brings. H really is not a kid person (found this out after we had kids) and she has 3. H really has a problem with babies, very uncomfortable around them. She just had one.
Sportster, No this really isn't what I want. Like everyone here I want my H back and for him to love just me and for there to be no ow. I also know that I can't handle this summer. We are both teachers and I will wonder everytime he leaves the house if he is sneaking off to see her. He sees her at work and that will not be there for 2 1/2 months. I can't live like that and I can't put my kids through anymore of that either. It makes me a different person and I don't like it.
So, I don't want this but I also don't know what else to do. I feel like I just need to move on. I have thought about this alot. As hard as it will be, it is what I need to do. I hope now H will really start to think about it, not just losing his family but everything else that goes with it.
Anyway I will keep planning and preparing for moving on. The big decision is whether or not to move me and the kids.
I finally told my mom. Her and her husband were considering moving to be closer to us and to some of his kids. So, id they do move, I think the kids and I will stay here. If they decide to not move, we will move back.
Lots of things to consider. But today I am better, no tears yet. But I am lso at work and that helps.
Always remember...you are better than this knucklehead. Stand your ground. You'll be better for it.
I had to go to W's condo last night to sign something. Now when I'm over there, I don't feel sad or angry anymore. I look at her and her cramped messy 900 sq. ft. place, and I think about her calling me a couple times every day with needy questions and I actually feel sorry for her. In addition, I ask myself every day, "What if she comes to her senses and wants to try again?" More and more lately, I answer that with, "I don't know if I want her back". I don't know if this is normal or this is bad or good.
Bottom line Sherry is stick to your guns. Remember, just like our dopey President likes to say, "Don't mess with Texas", I say "DON'T MESS WITH SHERRY!!!"
