I'm not here to gloat. I'm not any better or smarter than any one else on this thread.
But I am going to re-recommend my mental attitude. I finally go to a place where I was confident enough in my self and my value where I didn't fear getting divorce. I told my wife that while I didn’t support the idea of a divorce, I was going to start getting really angry with her if I kept trying and she kept on staying indecisive. I told her that she had two weeks to make her decision. I told her we needed to start working together one way or another. Either towards resolving our divorce in the way that best served our daughter, or towards rebuilding our relationship. I told her that I was prepared to be successful and happy whichever way things turned out.
I then prepared myself to be happy with a divorce.
Friday night, my wife told me she loved me and that she realized she needed to give our marriage a genuine chance before she went looking for a better relationship somewhere else. She apologized for having caused me so much distress over the past several months.
I told that she was also going to need to make some changes in order for me to agree to stay in the marriage.
Things have not become instantly perfect. There is still a dark cloud over the house. There are still no guarantees. There’s going to be some work and irritation over the next several months.
But there now some measurable progress.
In order to keep my wife, I needed to quit trying to keep my wife.
Well All, I've finally reached the end of my rope. I've found over the last several months...going back to BEFORE the bomb...that my W has been talking to a number of different men. I finally climbed over the passive aggressive mountain last night and brought up the issue. It didn't go well. She claimed that they were her FRIENDS and she deserved to have friends. I don't disagree but I tried to explain that the timing is suspect. She never denied that they weren't initially "interests" for her. She claimed that she made her decision to leave two years ago but has just now gotten the balls to do it. She "resented" the fact that I don't trust her and decided that I'm creating the "man" issue in my head to have something against her.
AND, guess what issue she hasn't dropped. Yep, I'm still gay in her mind. No proof mind you...just intuition. And, all her friends have also known it for a long time. She just wants me to be free and happy. And SHE wants to be free and happy. "Look how good this can be for the both of us!"
Okay, FIRST, it isn't good for both of us. AND most importantly, it isn't good for our kids!! WE HAVE A FRICKIN' FAMILY!! Second, I am not gay. So, her premise for seeking to be out of the relationship is false.
After last night, I know our marriage is over. There is nothing I can do or say that will change her mind. I just wanted to share that with you guys. As long as she has these interests and there are at least three...and yes she even got dreamy-eyed when I mentioned one of them...and as long as she has her friends supporting her erroneous theory...WE have no hope.
Just thought I'd share that (sorry to steal your words HP) crap sandwich with you guys first thing on a Saturday morning!
Please pray for strength for me...I'm not feeling it today. Now, I'm off with my happy mask to my son's baseball game.
KEB, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't improving. If you need to give up, then you need to give up. Don't say there isn't hope, however.
Get yourself in peak physical condition. Start now. Sit ups, pull up, push ups, or go to the gym. Get yourself pumped up so you can start to feel good about yourself. Don't let W drag you down with her accusations. Don't start to beleive them if they are false. The more pumped up you are, the more you project that "air o' man" I don't know what kind of shape you're in, but results came quickly for me (probably because I had already dropped 25+#) Within a few weeks, I was getting bigger, and cut. Now I catch her looking at me, even though she said she isn't attracted to me.
Find the facts about OM if you can. Show her that you know what she is up to. Don't accuse, but let her know. NOP suggested the book, "Not 'Just Friends'", by Shirley Glass. W's first reaction when she saw it was a blatant whiplash type of double take. Then she scoffed a bit the next time she saw it. The third time, I know that she thumbed through it. The book will help you to sort through all the rubbish, and find some truth.
You are right KEB, you can't change her mind, but you can change yours. She can't change your mind, so don't give her that power. What will be harder on the kids?
We have a veritable smorgasboard of crap entrees here at the SSM diner. Eat 'em, compost 'em, or save 'em for later. It all comes down to the choices we make. It's like the dilution pollution solution. The more tasty good condiments we put on these dookieburgers, the quicker they disappear.
It is good to "hear" from you, even though the news isn't good. Look at your kids, and then ask yourself, "Who am I fighting for?" It won't get any eaisier when you give up.
I am sorry to hear your latest news. According to MWD, the thing that separates the marriages that work through the muck vs. the ones that can't be saved is when the "leaving spouse" cannot keep an open heart...even if it's just a crack open, there is hope. In your sich, your W's well-meaning "friends" are pushing the door closed. Are there more "positive" people in your life together who can lend a perspective? Once the reality of how all this will affect the kids sets in, your W may begin to have a change of heart. It doesn't hurt to have hope even in the eleventh hour.
You can't change your W's view of you, and the more you argue it, the more she puts up her walls. All you can do is strive to be the person you want to be. We are humans and we make mistakes... how we handle ourselves once we become more aware is what counts.
I know what a difficult time this is for you. In my own sitch, I am glad I didn't tell my family about my marital problems...it would have created more fog. I think it's a good idea to check in here...a lot of wise people have some good suggestions on getting through day to day.
The first and most important thing for you to do, is to protect your children.
Your wife does not have their best interest at heart right now.
Since you are male, you will have a doubly difficult time in seeing to your children's needs in our current legal environment. Get yourself a good lawyer ASAP. DO NOT WAIT!
Get your finances separated NOW. Don't tell your wife what you are doing, just do it. If you have joint credit cards, cancel them. Leave one joint checking account to pay bills from, remove all but the funds needed to cover joint expenses.
Go and read all the posts between csw and me.
I can't help you walk through this right now, I am at max extension, but there are resources available.
Does csw have your email address?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey csw-- I'm doin' okay. Just got back from trip to FL...the plane ride was rough (both literally and figuratively). I figured out there is just too much "brain" time when you're stuck on a plane for 2+ hours. Talk about a crazy-maker in over-drive.
It was already tough being away for three days. The feeling of not being in-pocket is one of those slow burning sensations in the gut. It started on the plane. I watched as intact families flew to and from Orlando for Disney vacations. It honestly took me almost a full day of business meeting to unhook my claws from the ceiling and settle down. THEN, I had to go through the whole gamut of emotions on the way back home. BUT, this time I was smart, I stopped at the Fox Sports Bar to have a few Hail Marys before boarding the plane. Then, luckily we only had about 30 people on-board--and one family. So, my brain wasn't completely on crazy-makin'. Just partially...just enough to make me melancholy by the time I got home.
The W just kept commenting on how tired I looked. How gray I looked. She didn't realize that I'd been holding in the emotions for the last 3 hours...only to cry like a baby as I kissed my sleeping kids and sang their songs to them.
Okay...didn't mean to vent/whine. Just had to get those feelings out...so that I can go on and have a semi-productive day at the office.
Thanks for checking in. I'll check my email at home tonight. K
Well folks-- I've worked hard at saving my M but it looks like things are going the way my W planned all along. She moves out in one week from today. We tell our kids this weekend.
I'm exhausted emotionally and physically. I thought I'd built up my strength and my reserves but it was all just a facade. I'm a big blubbering baby...granted NOT in front of the W or kids...only when I'm NOT with them which is most of the day.
I'm not sure why I'm posting. Guess I just need to let you guys know that I tried...maybe not as hard as could have...but I did try. I will still try because marriage is sacred. However, I don't hold out much hope. I guess I'm also posting for comfort. You guys have provided so much support and advice...GOOD support and advice. Just looking for a little more of it I guess.
Thanks for everything you guys have done over the last several months. I know I wasn't always easy to handle...but I took the advice given and applied it the best I could to my situation.
Take care and good luck to each of you. I will try to check in from time to time. GEL--you're a sweetheart and a wise soul. HP--sweetness that wields a mean frying pan for whacking stupidity right out of a person. JJ--you're honesty is refreshing AND enlightening. csw--my buddy--I wish I had the strength and fortitude you do--you're doing GREAT with your W. Everyone else--just thanks for your support and words of kindness and wisdom.
I'm sorry to hear things have gone this way. Sounds like your W was set on a goal...there may not have been much you could have done to turn things around....but it sure doesn't make this any less painful to know that now does it?
You keep concentrating on YOU...keep working on your other issues and remember YOU are going to be a much stronger person for all of this, you will learn from it, grow from it...and be a better mate for someone else in the future because of it.
Take care of yourself right now...and concentrate on being the best father to your kids that you can be (which I've no doubt you have been doing.)
Just because your M looks like it's ending, doesn't mean you have to leave us here...we're here for you as long as YOU need support!
