No, I haven't. The time hasn't been right. When it is, I will follow the the advice of NOPkins and the lead of csw. I will be a Man-of-Steel. Confronting her about it will only serve to drive her further away and more underground. Since, I can't control her...and admitting that to myself has been a VERY difficult thing to accept in all this...she is going to do what she does. So, I will wait for the right time to bring it up.
This is a hard path to walk. But, ya know what...I'm finding that when I work on ME...what she does or doesn't do...has little impact on me. It's when I focus on her that I get moody.
KEB, Isn't following my lead like the blind leading the blind? I may be turning into a man of steel, but I sleep in a big empty bed. I am not suggesting that you ignore your concerns. I am simply saying that if you don't have evidence, don't accuse. If you do have evidence, you NEED to expose. My exposure led to complete denial, and the next day, after W had her weekly DC session, she moved to spare room. She seems to make all of her moves after the DC (I mean IC) sessions, like cancelling cell billing, moving to spare room, ugly stuff.
The "me" work is the real work to focus on. Focusing on your flaws, accepting them, and then learning to compensate for them is the only way through this mess. Whatever love you have left after loving yourself, give to W. (don't get nasty here folks, I am on a spiritual thought) She is not responsive, and I know what that feels like. But if your GAL plans work, and you become a bit harder and stronger, she will notice. If she doesn't notice immediately, you will, and it will enable you to continue on course.
I personally don't know if my plans are working, but they are all I have for comfort beyond this helpful lot. I speak only for me, but if I can keep myself on course, it is a HUGE boost to my hope for M.
I thought your advice was outstanding. I think that if my H followed your man o steel plan, he would feel more invigorated and hor-nay.
He does not take care of himself. He gives and gives and then wants to get all greedy and selfish when it comes to ML. It's as if THAT'S where he will draw the line but everything else, his guilt wins out.
Last night I was trying to use a breast pump and read at the same time. This was not working, as I was trying to turn the page with a baby bottle in my hand, using the pumping funnel apparatus as a page turner. I looked like a fruitcake and H took pity on me. He then stood in front of me and turned the pages while I read, stating that I was pumping to bring up my milk supply for OUR baby and he wasn't going to leave me to go it alone. He is an outstanding husband. I do wish he'd do more things for himself, tho. I baby him as much as I can but I know he feels drained most days.
KEB, I was in my shop, polishing some of my bestest tools to sell on EBay to pay down our debt A song came round on the CD player, and it made me think about the commonality of our sitchs. I had to take off my respirator, safety glasses, wipe the polish goo out of my eyes and write it down to share.
"Crashing head-on into the future, it won't even leave a dent. Just walk in like you own it. Remember, it ain't set in cement. --Joe Strummer, Digging the New---
That song follows a more melancholy song that says "You're gonna need a nit comb to get rid of me" but we won't get involved with that right now
We are where we are because we were being passengers on this ride. I never really knew what people meant by "grab the bull by the horns" until now.
CSW, Is there anything that your W could have done to encourage the bullhorn taking in you, short of having an affair?
I am learning SO much from your descriptions of yourself and your feelings. The "passenger" line really struck me. I do believe that my H feels he is a passenger in his own life. In almost all areas (the exception being the spiritual) he wants me to forge the way.
I would like to see him be more assertive, not because it would make me happy (though I probably would like it) but because it would make HIM more happy.
HP, I would like to say that simple straight forward honesty would have worked, but I wasn't getting that. W admitted to "keeping it all in" about many things, for much of our relationship.
I think that she feared telling me about her probs with our R from an early point because I am a sensitive person. It's not that I would break down and cry if she was mad that I didn't do the dishes. But she came from a large Italian family, and I came from a 2 kid family of quiet speakers. We have different communication styles, so when I saw her as confrontational and angry, that was really the only way she could get her point across in her family sitch. I would withdraw a bit as she came on with the loud voice and waving hands.
That is one theory of why she couldn't tell me things that were bothering her. She was never a nag. My mom would tell my dad over and over to do stuff, then he would do it. If she didn't tell him, he didn't think it was important. I clearly adopted some of that style.
I think some of my "passengerism" stems from my abuse as a child. I don't know for sure, as I kept it in for so long. I always remeber being just outside the loop, STS. When I did tell W about CSA, she basically ignored it, and made it clear she didn't want to think about it. I never gave w details. She brought up CSA this weekend when we talked about OM. She again acted like it was nothing, and cited her lack of details, and said things in a hurtful cold way. That was the only time I became emotional during our conversation. I said if she really wanted that picture in her head, I would tell her everything, but she softened and backed down apologetically. After discuusing with IC, I have come to realize that my view of myself as damaged goods was crippling my ability to relate to others on many levels.
So HP, I am not sure if I did or can answer your question. I "think" that if W had been more upfront with her feelings, I would have could have been more bull horny. I think that if I had seen an IC when I was 8, my whole life may have been different. I think that W & I needed MC around year 4 of M, just for the com issues. We could communicate very well in friendly conversation, but when it came down to the key issues, the contested or conflicting ideas of life and how to live it, we couldn't seem to get the words out, and when they came out, one of us felt misunderstood.
