We do have cell phones--but I need him to call me, not me call him. I really don't think he cares that much if I call him or not. He knows I'm here and that seems to be all he needs to know.
Okay - but my point is, you are like my H, if you want the contact, then call him! Your H may be like me - just oblivious, because he doesn't have the same need - or he may even be feeling hurt that you ignore HIM all day - who knows? Just start contacting him briefly during the day.
Ok, I called him and said I was just calling to see how he is today. He said he was fine. He was already at work though so he couldn't talk, but he did say I could call him later too. So that made me wonder if he does want me to call him. I'm always afraid to. I could only call if I wanted something and I know that bugged him. So he is a little suspicious if I call just to chat.
Then I see your message and you make a great point and kinda confirm what I'm thinking. So I'm going to try this a few more times and see what happens. Thanks!
Hi Mollie - NG is the same as Ellie's H , does not ask to be contacted, but loves it when I do. Sometimes I just text to say I'm having lunch with so and so, and he seems to like the thought that I was thinking of him. Nothing more serious, just that he is missed, without using those very words.
I do alot of lurking on the boards, just about every day. I haven't had much to say lately though. So I got on here to try to force myself to think. I want to make sure I'm not taking anything for granted here. I've noticed a few times lately I have dropped everything to attend to something he wanted me to do. And I do it out of fear, fear that he won't want me if I don't. And it makes me feel bad inside and I don't like that. I feel bad about me. Today he called and asked me if I could bring him some lunch at work. I could but I had to do a couple other things first so it was going to take me a little while to get to it. He said never mind and I immediately got anxious--even though I didn't let him know. I got my other errands done in about an hour and I called him to see if he had lunch yet. He didn't and I offered but he said no, he'd deal with it, didn't have time right now. So then I'm feeling rejected--aargh! Had to start talking to myself right away. I didn't have time to get there when he wanted me to--and that is okay! He was fine with it and I should be too. It isn't a deal breaker--he isn't going to move out cuz I couldn't bring his lunch! It seems so dumb when I put it in writing Oh-well. I got through it without bringing him in for reassurance. Good for me.
Something else I've noticed for awhile and wanted to note: It makes a really big difference how I answer the phone when he calls. I try to do it a little different each time. Always with a smile, always sounding like I'm glad to talk to him. And he responds the same. Before the bomb, I answered like I could really care less if he called and neither of us had much to say. Much better now.
I posted this to someone today and I decided I wanted to keep it where I could find it. More reminding:
This is the bottom line for me:
Yes, my H did commit the ultimate sin and I was devastated by it. My first H did it too and left and married her. However, human beings make mistakes and they often feel guilt and shame over them. I wanted my H to hurt just as bad as I did. After all I took very good care of him and continually told him when he wasn't meeting my needs and what I wanted from him. And, just as Michelle says, my continuing to let him know how he was failing me pushed him away to the point that I figured he just didn't care about me anymore. Then he felt I didn't care anymore and was hurt by that. Neither of us talked about this part. We both just assumed neither of us loved the other anymore and decided to D.
H went looking for the comfort of someone else. He told me this over and over. He did not love OW, he was looking for comfort. He didn't want to sleep alone and he didn't want to be alone. And at first, I was angry he was looking for comfort when I had none. I was angry at how he was trying to find someone to make him feel better and I had nothing! How could he be so uncarrying and unfeeling after all I had done for him. And why is this happening to ME AGAIN! What a victim I was. I was an emotional wreck, lost weight, became very depressed, could barely function. Crying all the time! Damn him for doing this to me!
He never moved in with OW but did get his own place. He started staying out and drinking alot. I moved into a new place, and forced myself to start a new life. It was hard and until I found DB I didn't know how I was going to get through. But when I did read DR I saw myself in there. I began to examine my contributions to the failing of my M and decided with or without him, I didn't want to be that person anymore. I stopped obsessing over him and what was wrong with him--doesn't matter, I can't change it but I can take it or leave it--my choice. Family and friends told me I was better off without him, why would I want someone who treated me that way. Hey, that's just one side of the story--they haven't heard his side.
We were S for a year. We decided to start over, leave the past in the past, begin spending time together and see what happened. The things my H told me that always stuck in my mind: Relax; let it happen naturally, let me be comfortable and stop "being a freak". Being a freak was when I would call him crying and anxious looking for reassurance. He really wanted me to be more secure and confident and stop looking to him for reassurance and entertainment. Wanted me to take care of some of my own needs.
And I really wanted this too. It is much more peaceful for me if I'm only worrying about me. I really want to be a kinder, gentler person--more positive and happy--not so judgemental.
He moved back in with me once he was sure I could handle having him around and not clinging to him and watching his every move. He is a very social person and cannot come home from work and sit around. He has to be doing something and being with people. He rarely comes right home after work. Sometimes I just leave him a plate of dinner for when he gets home. I know this is how he is and I know he loves to have me there when he gets home to share his day with. I accept that--not everyone would, but that is my choice.
I no longer initiate the R talks where I tell him what he isn't doing. I let him know I appreciate him and he's my favorite person. Not with words but with actions. I write notes on the napkin of his breakfast sandwich and sometimes leave notes on the bathroom mirror. He doesn't say anything but I know he likes it, cuz I know him. Through this process I've come to know him better than I have in the 11 years I've been with him. And I know me better too.
Ok, this is getting too long now--but I won't be the victim anymore and I will take responsibility for my contributions to our M. I will forgive him and myself and move on. I can't go back and change anything and neither can he. I know he regrets some of what he has done and is happy we are back together. Me too, and that's good enough for me right now.
Journaling: This morning is starting out all wrong. Today is H's birthday and I gave him a little surprise party last night with lots of his friends. It was just perfect--he loved it and thanked me for doing it.
But this morning...unfortunately my snoring kept him awake a lot last night and he was a bit grumpy this morning. I got up and went to make him breakfast cuz I thought he would like that for his b-day. Well, turns out he wanted to get some more sleep and he was expressing a little agitation that I was bugging him with breakfast and making noise. Well I got hurt feelings and told him jokingly that he was being mean when I was trying to do something nice for him. He just glared at me like only he can. So I went and thought about it for a few minutes. I wanted to take it personally and let him know he was being a jerk about it. But then I realized that is just going to start a fight and really I was making it all about me then. So I decided to apologize. I told him I was sorry for forcing breakfast on him when he really just wanted to sleep. I had made a mistake thinking he'd want to eat instead of sleep. He said he forgave me.
I've just been beating myself up over it all morning. He's probably not even thinking about it now. But I'm feeling like a failure--I hate that. He just left for the day. I might see him tonight for a few minutes but he's going to be busy. Probably better that way cuz I'd be running around him trying to fix what I did and he'd be going nuts. Why can't it just be nice and rosy everyday?!
As much as it kills me sometimes too I guess it's just a matter of finding what works. However, sometimes I have a hard time deciding what is working and what is just p*ssing them off because it might be working. Some time the W has work up such a good PO attitude, it just makes it tough for them to maintain it when you are doing the right stuff.
Honestly I am not doing this just to p*ss them off. It amazes me how sometimes they feel that everything that goes wrong is our fault, even when your not there. Face it Mrs./Mr. Alien it's your problem, don't project it on me. But we try to do it with an "as if" and see where it takes us. Hey molliew, I would die of a heart attach if my W brought me breakfast in bed. Don't take it personal, "as if", focus on the end goal. Don't loose your game.
Slowly
Oh-well. I got through it without bringing him in for reassurance. Good for me. 
Don't loose your game.