Mollie, I think you handled it fine, you got the answer you needed, and he didnt have a problem answering it. My H doesnt wear his ring either, he broke that finger and cant get it over the first knuckle. I on the other hand lost so much weight that I had to have mine re-sized!
Journaling: A little slip last night. He doesn't know it, but I do. I hadn't talked to him all day, which is not unusual. Made dinner for me and my son and saved some for H, which is not unusual either. By 8 pm I'm a little upset that he hasn't called, but it isn't totally unusual either. I start thinking those old thoughts about how disrespectful he is and how he isn't thinking of me. Me, me, me!
By 10 pm I'm getting a little anxious but I'm reminding myself to trust and it calms me a little. I'm thinking I should call, but what would I say? I'm calling to check up on you?! What if he didn't answer the phone, or was short with me--that would make it worse. At about 10:20 my phone beeps me that it has a message. He says he will call me back. But I call him. He's at the club helping clean the air filtration filters. He's just hanging with his friends and doing his usual social butterflying. By this time I had been crying and started to let the old stinkin thinkin come in. But I was fine on the phone and he never suspected.
Then I was disappointed in myself for letting this happen. He wasn't ignoring me or disrespecting me. He was in his world doing what he does. I've known this about him since I met him. He is very social and needs to be doing something all the time. It isn't unusual for him to not come home after work and just go hang with his friends. And I decided to accept that about him. Can't change it. But when he gets home he is happy as a clam and wants to tell me all about his night and . Anyway, I kept thinking I need to let him know I would appreciate a call at some point. But then I think, do I really need him to call. We don't have a set dinner time and he wouldn't do this if we had other plans. He is not being rude, he is just being him. And usually he does call before it gets that late.
And I have a life and don't feel that I have to sit around and wait.
I've got to continue to deal with my trust issues. I know giving him a hard time about this is only going to push him away and it really isn't that big of a deal. It just was last night for some reason.
So many things to keep learning about me and how I can choose to react about stuff.
Sometimes, this is actually fun or funny! I was feeling that old feeling of anxiety, needing reassurance. I hadn't talked to H this morning cuz I left before he got up. So later on this morning, I decided to call just to say hi--he answered the phone and in my best happy voice I said, "hi sweetie, how are you today?"
He said, "what do you want?" I said just wanted to call. He again said, "what do you want". I kept saying I just was thinking about him and wanted to talk to him for a minute, see how he was. I could tell he was waiting for more. I just laughed and said "you're waiting for the other shop to drop, aren't you?" He said he was and I just told him I wanted to know how he was and hoped he had a great rest of the day! I could hear him relax a bit and he said ok, talk to you later!
One more victory for me! 180s are good even when you are back together. He just knew I must want something from him
How are you handling the trusting again issue? I am having lots of difficulty with it. Perversely, as things seem to improve between H and myself, I start to go into suspicious mode.
I know you had a tough sitch and jsut wanted to hear how you are choosing to handle this issue. Thanks.
I think for me being suspicious and worrying just makes me feel so bad that I try to avoid it. Sometimes I am tempted to snoop or I start stinkin thinkin if he doesn't check in with me after work. Then I really have to talk to myself. I don't like me like that. I like the me that can look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I like the me that isn't a victim (he must be doing something wrong to me because I'm always a victim). I don't like the me that tries to manipulate him into saying something that would verify my suspicions. It is all so much work and it just hurts us both.
Trusting is hard, but it feels good when you can be successful. I've just got to do it. I've got to believe that my changes have made me the one he wants to be with and that he has no reason to lie or cheat because I don't deserve it. He loves me and he wouldn't do that to me. He is here with me now and the only reason that could be is that he wants to. He had his own place and was doing just fine by himself, but he wanted to be with me--he decided he wanted to continue our M. He didn't say this to me and he won't, but I can tell by his actions.
Trusting and forgiving is for us. I feel so much better if I can trust and forgive. I don't want to feel those bad feelings of mistrust and negativity anymore. I just want to be happy and I can only do that for myself.
Journaling: Friday night was not so good. We went out with friends and I drank too much and judgement wasn't good. By the time we got home, H was a little ticked off at me. I broke the no touching rule AGAIN. He does not like public displays of affection. I do--so I kept touching him and he kept slapping my hand (gently) and telling me to quit it. I'm just laughing it up and keep picking at him. I should not drink that much!!! Then some friends asked us to meet them Saturday night for dinner and I just jumped right in and said ok without seeing what H wanted to do. He didn't really want to do it, but he felt I locked us into it. He was barely speaking to me when we got home. But we briefly discussed what happened and he reminded me again that he doesn't like the touchy thing (clingy!!!) and that he was embarrassed and annoyed with it.
I was not being respectful of his feelings. I was totally trying to get my own needs met--trying to get his attention. Trying again to make him like being touched, just because I do. But HE DOESN'T LIKE IT (WHACK for me)!
Saturday night we went out again and I was much quieter and didn't touch him at all--just smiled when he looked at me. He actually reached over and touched my leg once! I didn't say anything--reminder: let him initiate touching.
Wow, this can be so hard when you don't feel the same about things as your H does. But I picked myself up and keep moving forward.
Quote: Saturday night we went out again and I was much quieter and didn't touch him at all--just smiled when he looked at me. He actually reached over and touched my leg once! I didn't say anything--reminder: let him initiate touching.
Execllent Hopefully you are able to do more of what works.
Slowly-thanks for checking on me. I'm a little unhappy about some of my behavior this weekend. Friday was good, went out with friends, had a good time. Saturday was good, H had his first race of the season and it went well. Afterwards, we went separate ways, but he didn't stay out all night like he sometimes does on Saturday nights. Sunday was awful--I am such a follower! We went for breakfast and that was great. Watched the NASCAR race with friends and had a beer. Things went down hill from there. Me and the girls had a couple more drinks and next thing I know, I'm a complete mess. H was very nice about it. No scolding, a little laughing at me. I was completely embarrased and disgusted with myself. I am not a drinker--never have been, but the last few weekends, I have gone overboard for some reason. This is going to stop! I totally wasted two days on this--didn't get anything done. This is not me at all--I've got some serious work to do here. I'm really at myself!
I'm feeling a backslide coming on so I'm hoping for a little help here. The last couple of days I have felt that my H and I are disconnected. Yesterday morning I left home first while he was still in the shower so I didn't see him before work and didn't talk to him again until about 10:30 last night when he called to tell me he was on his way to visit a friend after spending the afternoon playing golf. It was his day off so I wasn't really expecting much, but I felt really off that I hadn't talked to him all day. He had lots to say when he came home--very happy with his golf game and proud of himself. I tried to validate and express my happiness for him but it was a little difficult at 1:30 a.m. I was as enthusiastic as I could be at that hour.
I have been trying to leave him alone in the morning cuz he is grumpy in the a.m. He likes his sleep time, so I have been leaving without saying good bye or kissing him so he doesn't have to wake up. But this also leaves me feeling disconnected, so this morning I asked for a kiss and he was grumpy about it.
He likes to have me save his dinner for when he gets home and he likes me to keep his laundry done and just be there when he gets home--I know these are things that make him feel valued by me and he appreciates it. And I don't mind this, but today I feel like I'm not getting anything in return. I'm not getting my love language spoken to me. I want to feel valued too--how can I get my needs met, physical touch, appreciation. What am I missing here? I want to talk to him about it, but he hates that. I don't know what to do
Don't you guys have cell phones? My H is a quality time guy, he needs to feel connected to me during the day, so he calls me from work. I used to let him do all the calling, since that's not really one of my love languages (if you haven't read Chapman's book on The Five Love Languages, DO!). Now i realize that if i just send him a few emails or text messages during the day, he's much happier.
. Anyway, I kept thinking I need to let him know I would appreciate a call at some point. But then I think, do I really need him to call. We don't have a set dinner time and he wouldn't do this if we had other plans. He is not being rude, he is just being him. And usually he does call before it gets that late. 
at myself! 