My H rarely apologized either. Instead, he'd become defensive or angry. Saying the word "sorry" seemed to be difficult for him. This is another area that's finally improving since DBing. Hearing my H say "sorry" feels almost as good to me as hearing him say ILY.
Like you, I'm learning to give him time to process things on his own; otherwise, he does become defensive. I think you're doing great at forgiving and DBing; and I've added your thread as a favorite.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Journaling: When I went to wake H this morning, I just looked at him and smiled. He smiled back, which is unusual because he is the crankiest man on earth in the morning. So that was nice.
I told him I would be at our hangout at 4:30 tonight to meet with our friends. He has to work until 6 and I asked if he would come by and he said maybe. I think he will probably show up, but I hate that he can't commit to anything--drives me crazy. I didn't say anything though.
I wish he would say ILY and wear his ring, but he still doesn't. I'm not asking, just hoping. He got his house all cleaned out so he doesn't have that to worry about anymore. He is going on a work retreat Sunday through Tuesday. Last year when he went, he had OW--I didn't know it then. They had been calling each other all during the time. I feel a little anxious about that, but I know there isn't an OW now so it is just a residual feeling I guess. I know he is a little stressed about going--he doesn't like that kind of stuff, so he is bound to be a little distant until he gets back. Just have to remember that and not take it personal.
For the most part, I am pretty happy with the way things are. I'm keeping my anxiety under control and choosing new ways of dealing with problems that upset me. I'm paying more attention to me and how I'm reacting and feeling. DBing is good!
I tracked you down from your psot on my thread. Keep a handle on that obsessing thing. It gets to me too so I know. GAL but don't exclude him from it. Keep as active as possible and "plan" things with him. "Fit" him into your busy schedule. Am I making sense here? It is so hard not to want to spend every available minute with them but that will cause burn out. Plan together time and alone time. Watch the venting, it is possible to overdo that quite easily. Vent it and drop it. Sometimes I will write out my vent and then delete it. My point was made without anyone else's input and then it was done. Game over, move on. Take breaks from here too. A couple days helps to keep perspective especially when the obsession bug is biting. It will be here when you get back. Just some thoughts, hope they help. TBONE
T-thanks for tracking me down. I appreciate your advice and encouragement. I really try to do all my venting here. I realized my family and friends didn't want to hear it even though they were supportive. And I don't vent so much anymore. That was part of my victim behavior--b*tch but don't do anything about it! Poor me! Wow, I hated that about myself. Not doing it anymore!!!
You're right, the obsessing sneaks up on me sometimes, but I am so much better at it. And I do GAL. I've got lots to do when he isn't around.
I look forward to following your progress. Patience!
Journaling: Some days I don't think I need to come here. I think things are good and if I just keep it up I'll be ok. However, I realize I do need to come here often to remind me of what it is I need to keep up. I can feel myself slipping sometimes back to the old me. I need to remind me not to obsess, not to worry, to trust, not to take for granted, to be kind, honest and take care of me.
H is gone for a few days for work. He called me last night and said he just wanted to call before he went to bed. Told me a little about his day. I said ILY first but I think it's ok since he isn't home.
So, I need to keep coming here for reminders. Read lots and take what I need, and leave something for others if I can.
Yesterday was kinda tough. I was really in the mood to be reassured by H. All day I tried to get my mind off that. I called him in the morning and asked if he wanted to have lunch. He said he couldn't cuz he had to run errands. Before I called I told myself my feelings would not be hurt if he said no, but, of course, they were. I didn't say anything, but I was disappointed. I know he is busy at work and even if he does have time for lunch he usually wants to have lunch alone to regroup before he goes back to work. I know that, yet I take it personal when he can't have lunch with me! ARRGH, this is so hard sometimes! He did tell me he didn't have plans in the evening and would be home. I reminded him that I had to be at the lodge for his mother's installation ceremony and he said he would come to that. So he knew I wanted to spend time with him and he offered an alternative.
We spent time with friends last night and had a good time. He had to leave before me and as he was going out he rested his hand on the back of my neck and gave me a little squeeze and said he'd see me later. Doesn't seem like much, but for him it was big and made me feel good.
I just wanted to feel connected but I didn't most of yesterday. That is really a hard time for me. I just want to grab the rope and give it a hard tug to pull him close to me. But, alas, that does not work! Just makes him go in the opposite direction. Well, at least I know that now!
hey Mollie! I know how you feel on those days when you seek reassurance or that wanting to feel connected, I dont enjoy them either. But like other days they come and go, they just seem a bit longer and harder.
Im glad to see you keeping up on the journaling - it does help alot and I can see alot of your progress so keep up the good work!
Hi Slowly and HKat--thanks for stopping by--I appreciate your comments!
Well, yesterday I finally had to get my question answered. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and trying to ask in a way that isn't accusatory or defensive. But I really needed to know why he wouldn't put his ring on. So last night I just asked, "why don't you wear your ring?" Well he kinda laughed and said he tried but he has gained a little weight and he couldn't get it all the way on and was afraid he'd not be able to get it off. He said he'd be glad to give me a demonstration I said I believed him and was just curious.
Even though I probably should have just left it alone, getting an answer to this really lifted some weight off of me. It was one thing that just kept hanging that I couldn't seem to let go of. His actions would never indicate that he didn't want to wear it, so that just made me more curious.
Even though I couldn't let this one go, I think I did ok. I feel that I brought it up without the usual beating around the bush and adding commentary and analyzing conversation. And he didn't seem to mind giving me an answer.
Slowly