Mollie-this post is keeping me going right now-I re-read it often. My h and I mutually agreed on a break and it has lasted longer than I had ever intended or expected. We've been on a break (really separated without either of us actually saying the words) for 2 months now. I am having my doubts more and more that we'll be able to ever make a go again. Although I have seen some baby steps, it just seems like this will take so long. His words echo in my head- "it will probably be too late by then". We have made progress from very little contact to him phoning me and staying a little longer when he drops our son off. Like I said-baby steps. I need to learn patience.
I know 2 months seems like a long time. The first few months are the hardest and hurt the most. It is really hard to focus on yourself and let them go, but eventually you will. You will see some people on here talking about how after 10 months or so of separation they are beginning to enjoy their lives and don't feel so attached to their S. This is not a bad thing. This is what we need to do to become the person we want to be. And most of the time our Ss really want us to not be so attached to them. That was a lot of our problem, I was too attached. I need him to entertain me, fill up my time and reassure me I was loveable. He just got to the point where he couldn't do it anymore. Especially when he was at the point of not being sure what his life was supposed to be either and ventured into MLC land and started doing weird stuff.
It will help you a lot to keep track of any babysteps, write them down and remind yourself. Try to detach from the negative stuff. You are right, patience is very important. It takes time, but you should get out and GAL while this is happening. Don't sit around and wait. Have some fun with yourself and your son. Lots of them say "it will be too late", but that's because they think things aren't going to change. We have to show them otherwise.
Hi Mollie - What an encouraging story you have here I'm curious though
Quote: He's been home for a few days now and things are ok so far. I still have to remind myself to leave the "rope" on the floor and let him figure out what to do.
Slowly--well, readjustment is a little uncomfortable for me at times and I think it's because I'm working hard at not going back to the way it was. It's like some magnetic force is trying to pull me back to my old ways and I'm kinda struggling. But being aware that it is happening helps me keep things in check.
I keep coming here and reminding myself what I need to be doing. I am trying hard not to focus on what he is doing and letting myself get sucked back in to that feeling of being a victim whenever he doesn't do just what I think he should.
This morning I am fighting my obsession over why he doesn't wear his ring. I was at first worried that he had lost it, but I have seen it now so I know it is there. He said he would wear it eventually, but my curious mind wants to know why not now. I've already asked him if he's going to wear it, so I really think I need to leave it alone now. I could go into analyzing the situation and coming up with lots of theories why he doesn't wear it, but that isn't doing me any good and just starts the crazy making! I do wear mine so I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens.
It is hard when they are right there with you. Last night he was watching tv and was very quiet. I kept wanting to ask what was wrong but I know that is just me trying to personalize what is going on with him, and it's not about me! I keep remembering what eyesopened said about men's minds shut down in the evening. She read that somewhere. When they are sitting watching tv, they are winding down and they aren't thinking about stuff like women are. So I just remind myself that must be what is going on.
So I will just keep working at it. I know he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be. I've just got to keep kicking that rope away from myself--sometimes I want to grab it so bad! PATIENCE!
Journaling: For the rest of yesterday and for today, at least, I am dropping my obsession with the ring--one day at a time!
Yesterday he called me at lunch time and told me he was going to play poker at the Moose Lodge that evening. Then he asked me what I was going to do. Well, I've learned that means he wants me to join him. How weird that he can't just say it. So I met him there after work and met up with some other friends there and had a great time! I don't play much poker so I was really pleased that I came out 4th of 18 starting. I even beat H!
Had a great time together and thanked him when I got home. (He went home first since he was out, but that was ok).
I'm feeling low on self confidence today. I'm getting that clingy, anxious feeling and I know I've got to deal with it myself. I'm analyzing everything I said to H between yesterday and today and worrying that I didn't validate enough or listen enough. I'm worrying that even though I'm not saying things, I might be acting a little too motherly!
It is hard when they are with you because you get comfortable and you can start just reverting to your old self--I don't want to do that. Not just for my M but for me. I was becoming the kind of person I want to be and today it feels like I'm slipping. Going back into that protect myself mode--put up the walls.
I want H to reassure me that I'm doing ok, that he is happy being back and comfortable with me. But I know I cannot ask for that reassurance. Being needy is going to push him away.
I'm obsessing about the things I should do for him because I'm afraid I am not doing enough. I'm afraid I'm slipping and starting to take him for granted already.
I want to keep the new me everyday. I want to show him I am paying attention this time. I want to show him I am listening and understanding and watching. I want to show him I respect his space, his opinions, his ideas.
I want to do this for anyone. I noticed this morning it is sometimes easier to do this with someone I don't know very well than with those who are close to me. Why is that? I've heard it said that we feel comfortable letting ourselves go and venting on our loved ones more than anyone else. Probably because we do take them for granted--heck, they will always be there no matter what we do, right? Well, I've proved that wrong!
I need a distraction tonight I think. I'll have to find something to do to get away from the house and GAL for the evening.
I think this is harder than when he wasn't home and I was working and waiting for him to get through his stuff and come back.
Any advice and encouraging words will be much appreciated!
Hyey, dont feel bad... i felt the same whn h came back home... and yes, we feel like we were evaluated each time we speake, do anything... By the other side, yes, it is easy to return to what we useto be... specially if we werent doing anything so wrong, just being ourlseves.. But when MLC cames around, the persistence part is so important and we need to focus on maintaining our changes, specially that changes that improve us, makes us growth, as a woman...!!... It is so easy to take fr granted many things on M... but sometimes, we felt like that bc we felt they also doesnt do too much... it is like you are working out alone... he is the same, doing the same... and you are so stress and obssesed abut not doing the same... But mayb he is doing changes... he is trying, only in a different way and can be a great job trying to identify his efforts, his ways to say: hey, i care about changing our M... In my case, now i realize that moment didnt came to my h yet... he wants something different but it is so tied of the commmon and past way to be... it is so difficult for him to break the past R and rebuild a new one... althugh i admit he had done some great changes... i dont know if that can be bc we arent in love anymore... i dont know if that can be bc we cant have a different R... right now i am trying har to act as if... trying to be the most happy woman... being myself... and trying to recover that changes, that bc their up and dwn mood, i stop aplying in my life... like going out with friends, caring about my own space, professinal realization, being happy...!!... i think that changes are the most imprtant and has the best effect on a MLC man... Good luck... and stay around Andrea
Hang in there. I know how you feel. My H never left home. He has responded positively to my changes but sometimes, espcially lately I feel I may be slipping up or not doing enough.
But don't be so hard on yourself. The positives are that you are very much aware of what you need to be doing to keep the positive changes going. Take a deep breath and just keep Dbing as best you can.
Try not to go overboard, pray and just put your best foot forward.
With regard to the feelings of clingyness and needing reassurance. This was/is a big issue for me too. I realised that a lot of the time I was not looking to meet H's needs so much as get my own bottomless need for reassurance met.
Often this would happen when I was really stressed out about other things. Once you are aware of how you are feeling make a concious effort not to seek to cling to your H or get reassurance from him.
Ask yourself if what you want to do is for that purpose or really taking your H's needs into account. And if its about your clingyness or neediness don't do it. Find some other way to get those feelings soothed. Call a friend. Listen to some music or do something fun.
Do not lean on your H for this. If we put ourselves in their shoes it would be very trying and draining to deal with our neediness etc.
Thanks Andrea and Hopeful. It helps to know someone else is going through this too. I appreciate the comments about identifying his changes. I am working on this. They are small but I know it is all he can do right now and I am grateful. He came home last night and asked if I wanted to go out for a bit--he hasn't done that in years! We went down the road to the tavern and had a beer and played the electronic golf game. Had a great time! It was a little thing, but big too.
I totally know the clingy needy stuff. I really wanted to get a hug this morning before he went to work. He isn't really a touchy kinda guy so I know that pressures him so I didn't do it. Although I think I could have asked and he would have been ok with it. And yes it would have been to meet my own need but I think that's ok once in awhile if we ask instead of just trying to take.
I am guilty of trying to have that "bottomless" reassurance need met and I know it. I've got to work hard on taking care of that another way.
The reminder to put myself in his shoes helps too. It is really important to try to see things from the other's point of view--it makes a difference.
Quote: I totally know the clingy needy stuff. I really wanted to get a hug this morning before he went to work. He isn't really a touchy kinda guy so I know that pressures him so I didn't do it. Although I think I could have asked and he would have been ok with it. And yes it would have been to meet my own need but I think that's ok once in awhile if we ask instead of just trying to take.
Mollie - physical touch is definitely one of my love languages - and one that my H doesn't always speak so well. I've found that making playful "demands" - like "hey, big boy, come over here and give me a kiss on the lips before you leave!" - works well. Humor, too - once we were at the movies, and I pretended to trip and fall in his lap
I'm curious though 
Slowly