Quote: Forgot to mention something else. My husband was talking to our daughter who is 15. She asked him if we were fighting. He said yes. If your mom is unhappy and wants out I won't stand in her way. She said where has mom been going lately. He said I don't know she doesn't tell anyone. Which last time I went out they knew exactly who I was with or what I was doing. I am only trying to change the fact that my husband and I usually do everything together. So that is what the kid's are used to. I want to be more independent and do things I use to love. Have an outside life apart from him.
Well, during this long conversation he tells daughter there is a 20 year old at work that flirts with him. That he could have her anytime!! I was SOOO ticked! I told him and confronted him. I said our daughter is not your bar room buddy to discuss something like that. Daughter told him that is gross your old enough to be her dad. I think his only intent on this was to try somehow to make me jealous. Which I wasn't at all.
I am sorry to just butt in on this, but this really bothers me.
Saying this to kids is just way over the top...and to drag the kids into this with statements like that is sick (please excuse my frankness).
Has he really addressed this issue with you?
Do you have a strong sense of trust between him and the kids?
Personally, I would have really thought about getting the kids out of there if he is playing this nonsense.
Quote: How would it make you feel if your spouse said "I love you and I'm committed to you but sometimes I miss being single". Would it hurt you to hear that? Would it feel threatening to have your spouse say that?
Quote: How do you help the situation if the other spouse is not willing to meet your needs? Another hard question is how do you work on the marriage if the other spouse won't open up and just talk to you.
I haven't read SSM, but my impression is that all of Michele's work is based on the premise that one person can change the R. Have you read DR (Divorce Remedy)? That has a good chapter on how to ask for what you want. It also makes clear that if your partner is not in a place to care what you want, then you need to quit asking and go directly to the LRT (last resort technique).
Quote: He once said an important thing to me....I feel I can treat you anyway I want to because you will never leave.
That lack of respect is the real problem, IMO. And you can't make anyone else respect you. First you have to respect yourself. It's telling that you equate self-respect with leaving the R. What would it look like to respect yourself within the R? (It takes a while to get past the angry, reactive, "F/U, I'm outta here" thoughts and get to the real, moderate, compassionate, loving answer that is respectful of everyone.) If in fact your first answer ends up being your final answer, then that would be sad, but remember that there is no possibility of a healthy and satisfying R without self respect. (We've all spent plenty of time proving that. No sense in continuing along the path that belabors that point.)
AtlDave, Please consider starting your own thread and let cally have this one back to work on HER issues.
Thanks, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Cally, This blows my mind. I don't have half your problems and my W is divorcing me. But here goes. GEL has got it right it's a matter of respect. What your H does is out of bounds. you can read DB you can read Susan Page "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" but in the final analysis this guy's got problems and needs counseling, lots of it. I'll say a prayer.
From the bottom of my heart..thank-you for all the replies here. I really had no where to turn to talk to anyone about this. We both have the same set of friends. I didn't want to talk to my mom because she will take sides with being for me. If the marriage works I hate for my parents to hate him.
All of you are so wonderful on this board. I am glad I found it. You have given me so much to think about and so much helpful advice.
You know when I confronted him about saying that to our daughter he defended it. He said the conversation started because my daughter sensed that our marriage was in trouble. She was worried because her bio father she is not close to. My husband has been the only daddy she has ever known. So she started by asking about the relationship.I am still trying to ask her about all that was said. But I think he was giving her the impression that I may be cheating on him. I have been going out with friends or just shopping alone. All I have done for years is stay in the house and do things with my children or take them with me, etc. So in working on me I have seen I need some time to just unwind away from this situation. But based on things she has said and asked I feel he was leading her to think I am cheating. He said my daughter asked if he ever cheated and he said no. And then he went in to tell her about the 20 year old from work. My daughter is a strong willed very opinionated child that is not afraid to tell someone what she thinks. And she said she told him you are old enough to be her dad that is gross. I was so angry but he defended it. I told him that I don't ever want to hear anything like that come out of his mouth again when he is around our children. That they are children not some bar room buddy.His first reaction was shut the hell up. Then he said what she was asking about.
Thanks for the link to that book and the other books that were mentioned.
You have every right to establish boundaries about what should/should not be discussed with the kids. I agree with you that his comment was completely inappropriate to your D. Whether or not he suspects you of an A, he does not need to be discussing this with the kids.
I also suspect, he is afraid that you are having an A...because you are doing IMO what you should be...getting a life. From what you've written he's been snooping & checking up on you just as NOPkins has so rightly advised some of this BB members to do. He may say mean and anflammitory things to you, all in the attempts to control you...but I believe he is afraid you will walk out that door, you will have enough of his behavior one of these days and tell him exactly where he can stick that computer of his.
You have a right to your friends and to your life and to happiness...you aren't doing anything wrong, so let him snoop. He's not going to be catching you doing anything you shouldn't be...now is he? I say let him sweat a bit.
