Dave, I totally disagree with this. He is gettin it on with himself several times a week and professing that he's too tired and can only ML to her a few times per YEAR? And you're telling her to SUPPORT him? No freakin way.
He needs to pull his head out of his arse--and his hand out of his pants--and start ML to his wife.
Oops you're right, Lassie. He did say that at the end of the post. I missed that because my jaw had hit the floor with his response of "don't hurt his feelings, support him, etc". This poor lady is at the end of her rope; I just wanted to let her know that I hear her pain and she has my sympathy.
Just wanted to lend my support. My H has refused to ML to me for the past 5 yrs - the one time in the last 7 yrs we did ML we ended up conceiving our twin boys.
A while back, I realized that H was looking at porn - a lot of it, and has been probably from the beginning. What really got me was that in spite of the fact that we were supposedly talking about things, trying to work on things, he continued to look.
If I had discovered he was also looking at dating sites...I too probably would have thrown the computer at him. Though, to be honest, I would probably have been too nice, and given him the benefit of the doubt...
I hope your H is better at admitting his mistakes than mine has been, and I honestly hope you two are able to come to an understanding - but it's going to be a long, hard road.
I didn't realize that it had been THAT long since your H & you ML. I also didn't realize he looks at porn. This puts a BIG spin on what's going on w/you guys.
Out of curiosity what type of porn does he look at?
I want to try and put my own spin what Dave said. Maybe say it in a different way.
If your husband has a really low sex drive then it is going to take more than the norm to get his motor humming. My ex had low testosterone. At times it took pictures or stories to get him going.
If you aren't pretty secure with who you are as a woman this can be hurtful. What I realized with my ex is that once his motor got humming it was me he wanted. How he got it humming didn't matter as long as I was the one he wanted to play with once it was humming.
If there is depression on top of a low drive then you are dealing with someone who not only needs more to get humming, he is also feeling less enthusiastic about the act of love making.
It seems to me that, right now, your husband views sex as a release and nothing more. It's not a way to connect with you or show intimacy toward you. These are things I saw in my ex when he was depressed.
If you have ever suffered from depression you will understand. It's like sitting around knowing you are hungry, knowing you would love a steak but settling for a peanut butter sandwich because it is easier. To a depressed man who is looking for the physical relief of sex, masturbation in the shower is so much easier than coming up with the motivation to make love with his wife.
The dating site he was looking at may be of interest to him because the women on it are real. He may get more out of looking at images of woman he knows are real compared to the typical cookie cutter web porn he can find. There could be more than one reason he was on this site and it might not have anything to do with actually wanting to meet these women.
That being said, I do believe he needs to be talked to. I also believe you need to keep an open mind, try and go into a conversation with him about his behavior able to see it from his perspective.
The thing I have learned throughout all my experience with a low drive man is this...there are many facets to their feelings and you won't get anywhere until you can get them to open up and share their feelings. That isn't easy when you are talking men and their sex drives.
Talk to him just don't go in with a formed, definite opinion as to what he is up to. You don't know that for sure until he tells you and he isn't going to tell you anything if you are on the attack. Cathy
I didn't realize that it had been THAT long since your H & you ML. I also didn't realize he looks at porn. This puts a BIG spin on what's going on w/you guys.
Out of curiosity what type of porn does he look at?
GEL
I've only found pretty 'normal' stuff - just girlie magazines, sites. Since I 'snooped' a few months ago to find out what kind of stuff he was looking at, he locked his computer, so I don't know if that's changed, or if there's other stuff buried better. If you go back far enough, it's all in my old threads.
This is what started the worst of the abusive stuff this fall - I had managed to get to a point where I was getting flirtatious, getting comfortable with my sexuality towards H again, just barely...then my Dad arrived, and H couldn't deal with my outgoing, 'American' me.
