Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Cultivating Self Love

LNL,

Sigh. This road seems to be neverending, doesn't it? The selfishness and "it's all about me" attitude?

Do we get to vote?

If so, I vote that you make your plans first--heading up to see your friends--and tell your crazy H something along these lines: "You mentioned wanting D for Easter and spring break, and I'm so glad that it works out for you! Can I send her up on XXX?"

And then know in your heart that you need the break as much as D needs some time with him too.

Hugs!

Betsey

Hi Betsey

Thanks for your visit! Yes, I fully intend to have a nice Easter, whatever I end up doing. I have two things organised and in place, but I could take in H if he were to suggest it!

A funny thing happened. I seem to have detached quite a lot this weekend. I emailed H last night to say I couldn't find the article on the website that he had recommended I read. It was just a one line question. This morning he replied by email, with three paragraphs, telling me about stuff up there and about how friends are coming over to go for a walk etc.

Then this evening, he rang and told me about his day. I genuinely felt pretty detached - didn't have to remember to be so - and just listened. Then he asked me about my weekend. Either I was detached, or just not expecting to be asked, for all I could come up with was - Ya, fine, we went to the park and played ping pong in the wind! (It caused us some merriment while D and I were playing!)

After I handed the phone to D, I realised I really hadn't been worried in any sense how the phone convo went, and it felt good, though I wondered if I came across as uninterested...

Perhaps I will email him a photo I took at the weekend, of a friend's baby.

Livnlearn

Hi LnL - I see wonderful stuff here

Quote:

---

After I handed the phone to D, I realised I really hadn't been worried in any sense how the phone convo went, and it felt good, though I wondered if I came across as uninterested...

---

Awesome. And are you worried that you may have come across as disinterested

Slowly

Am I worried? Hmmmmm, not sure about that.

H rang this evening, usually he rings every second day to speak to D. He already spoke to her yesterday.

He started to tell me about his day. (Oh yes, before I forget, he rang earlier to ask for some help with the job he was doing and I was able to provide it.) He mentioned a new shower fitting, and that his house was really clean now. (In the past even D has said it is NOT very clean.) Said he had had lunch with w3 and her boyfriend.

Since he has not so far mentioned anything about confirming the Easter plans, I asked if he had spoken to the landlords. He said, next weekend was on, he had not talked about Easter. What a surprise. If I remind him, he flares up at my nagging. I didn't say anything. He said, maybe I'll just have her over the weekend part (backtracking from the full five days?)

I said, I will be home on the last two days as I am expecting guests. Before that I will be away for a couple of days. H immediately asked, oh yes, where? I told him I was staying with friends in the hills (his friends too) and he said, oh nice. Told him I was cycling up. He commented it was a good time of year, not too hot for the climb. I agreed.

Then he asked to speak to D.

Basically, I am friendly enough, but NOT pushy or needy in any way.

I have been invited by older guy to go out this Sunday, about an hour's or more drive away, for lunch and a walk. I may take him up on his offer. Only thing is, usually D arrives back quite early, around 4.30 or even earlier. I need to make it clear that she is not to turn up too early, as it really cramps my ability to go away and do anything.

Oh yes, my friend rang today, all chirpy and friendly, as if nothing had happened between us last week. I hadn't contacted her these last few days, except to say something about work. I was just mulling over stuff and didn't want to jump in to say anything without forethought.

Livnlearn

Hi LnL,

Boy that H of yours sure has gotten chatty lately hasn't he? It must be your wonderful DB skills!

He seems to be coming out of his shell a bit to share his work with you, which I do see as a great positive. You need to remember to continue to GAL and stay detached from any of his drama. You've done a superb job! Keep it up because it seems to be working!

My suggestion about this weekend and the possibility of D showing up at home early. Just let your H know that you have plans on that day and that you will not be home until ?? time (give him a specific time), and that you won't be home to get D until then. Just be vague about what you're doing, but also make it clear that it is not a negotiable outing that you can change for him. If you put it across very conversationally, that might help so he doesn't think you are trying to control his life (that seems to be something he doesn't like). Only that you have your own life and things to do.

Anyway, I'm very impressed with your handling of the sitch you find yourself in. Keep it up!

JL

Hi JL

Thanks for your visit. The thing about D coming back is that my H lives about one hour and fifteen minutes away by car, and he doesn't have one! He relies on his landlord picking up and dropping D between our places, and the landlord won't be beholden to our needs or schedule, though he's happy to help out in the way he does. Our separation agreements states that is it up to H to pick up D and bring her back to her home here, but as long as H lives where he does, it is tricky for him, as public transport options are infrequent and inconvenient. I do understand that, but most of my friends and relatives advise, too bad, let him sort it out, he chose this mess.

The reason he lives where he does is that it is much cheaper than in the city, and he has to pay quite a lot to cover D's expenses and half the mortgage here - again, folk have told me he should have thought of that before swanning off.

So I am walking a difficult line here, trying not to antagonise H (who has been pretty easy to upset these last two years, but then so are all these volatile WASs ) while also sticking up for my boundaries when I can.

Back to our convo yesterday, the fact that H has a clean house is ringing bells for me. The only times he has cleaned his house thoroughly (that he has mentioned to me, as they are state occasions!! ) are when OW2 was due to arrive or when he invited me up - though I have yet to stay overnight. It is hard not to to think that he either -

1) Expects a visit from OW2
2) Expects to have me around soon (????? )
3) Just thinks a clean house is a great idea.

This last option, while not very exciting, is interesting to consider. H is not a home body and is not into keeping a nice house. The more he does on this front, the more he will realise that keeping a home in order is not 'nothing'.

Pam, I hear what you are saying. It is VERY VERY VERY (did I say VERY?) hard not to get angry and take our H's behaviour personally when they behave so atrociously. There isn't a WAH on this board (I don't think) who hasn't behaved badly, and it is part and parcel of the problem of MLC. If we could only stand back and see it as a disease which has to run its course, we would be more detached. Sure, we need to protect ourselves (just like when handling infectious patients) but I am learing to depersonalise all this stuff much more and just figure out how to get on with my life without H as best I can.

Livnlearn

A little journal entry -

H rang during today to tell me abut a dream he had last night. He said it was a variation of a dream he has had since childhood, about being up on a high ledge of a building or something similar, and falling. Only this time there was a maintenance ladder and some wires, and he was able to 'move around in safety', he didn't fall or feel any fear.

He also informed me he had got over his long held fear of the dark during the past two years up in his place in the mountains. His fear of being in the dark on his own.

[I am beginning to think that my H's running had more to do with his fear that I might not be there for him, rather than the other way around.

There were many things about how he behaved that annoyed or disappointed me, and I used to get angry and yell at him about them. Some times I would yell, "I can't go on like this" or "Don't think I will put up with this for ever". It was an expression of my exasperation with him or the situation. My crying out for the need to be heard over certain issues. My unwillingness to accept certain bad behaviour. Not the most constructive way to go about things, I am sure. More likely to drive him away from horrible ranting Livnlearn.

I never feared he would leave me. Yet when someone said to me that my H was very dependent on me, I was surprised, thinking that he seemed rather independent.

On the other hand he probably never felt much belonging in his life. I thought I was providing that. Being there, being his friend, being a constant in his life, making a home, a refuge, etc.

But also being demanding and critical.]

Anyway, at the end of the conversation, he said he had to go for a walk with the dog. I asked, what dog? He said, w3's dog.

Livnlearn

Interesting that he called to share his dream with you

Ellie

Yes, Ellie.

He literally rang me and started the convo with "I rang to tell you about my dream last night!"

In years gone by, it was *I* who had the most vivid and regular dreams that I could remember in the morning. H would groan when I started to recount one to him, yet again!

Livnlearn

I keep trying to catch up on your posts, LnL. I see so much progress, and am always so inspired. These WAS's are all nuts, as far as I'm concerned.

Sounds like you have some fun plans for the Easter weekend. I have to come up with something too, except my H seems to think that he is still included in everything. He wants S and D, but is still there.