I remember when your mum died, I was still on the boards then. It was very unexpected, and I remember when you got home from your country of origin there was still a message on your machine from your mum saying that your aunt had passed away. How are you doing now? Is your dad alive still?
You are so right about the work thing. I do feel some small sense of independence through my working. And I can tell that the kids are proud of me too. I like the substituting but it can be a little nerve wracking, as I have to get up each am and get ready, then wait to see if I get called. But that is just part of the process.
There may be a regular position opening up next fall as an ESL (English as a Second Language) Aide. I have subbed in that area before and I really enjoy it. The pay is not entirely fab, but it works great with my kids daily schedule, vacation schedule etc. I think that the problem is that after 14 years as a stay at home mom, I got pretty spoiled. Any job where I have to show up on a regular basis seems a lot like losing my freedom. But I guess that the job of eating bon bons on the couch is no longer available.
I am more jazzed up about my writing, but that is totally sporadic in nature for right now.
H has a somewhat puzzling attitude toward my work. Regarding the teaching part he is mostly interested in whether I am being called in, making big (ha) $, etc. He cares nothing about what I do there, how I like it, etc. He wants to know about the bottom line.
When I finally worked up the courage to show him my first magazine article, this was his response. "I am really busy tonight and I don't have time to read it." Period, that was it. And my fragile ego hasn't tried again.
It seems like whenever I try to get the tiniest bit of support from him his response is something like this, "You are not supporting me in what I am trying to do, so I am not supporting you."
I suppose that I need to explain something that happened back in December regarding his "support" issue. He approached me, asking me to sign away something ELSE as collateral for his business. After much consideration, prayer, consultation with three good friends as well as my financial advisor, I had to say "no."
It would have been like throwing good $ after bad, as he has totally run his business into the ground since he and OW have been hooked up together. Plus the fact that he was asking me to put my faith in him when he was being unfaithful to me.
My refusal has made him totally furious, but oh well. He says that he can never forgive me. It has also put his business in a difficult position, but he totally did that on his own with no help from me.
If any of you remember my trip to China back in October, that turned out to be a scam to get me in his good graces so I would sign some papers. (which I did, silly me.) But he ain't foolin' me no more.
LnL, you asked about his official position towards the marriage and me. I think that right now he is coasting. He would def say that he is not working on the marriage. And he would prob say that he doesn't see any hope for it. Right now (as always) his focus is on his business. Any R talk on my part is futile.
I also think that he doesn't want to be the one to end the marriage. He would rather say "Pam divorced me." So he just goes along, living his days, ticked off at me and the world in general, everything is someone else's fault. The most responsibility he will accept is to say, "I've been mentally depressed." I know that OW has told him that she wants a committment. But don't we all.
He left us when I was seven, never to return. He cleaned Mum out of as much as he could get away with without being able to sell the house from under our feet (they had both put in half the value) and he made sure to keep his considerable inheritance out of the country we were liviing in at the time, so we never saw a cent/penny of that. He never got in touch ever again. We know he lived in two countries after he left ours (he had experience and contacts in many countries).
You know the last thing we heard about him years ago, third or even fourth hand? He had written to a friend of his, saying he was quite ill, and suspected he was being poisoned by his girlfriend. What goes around surely comes around.
Back to whether he is dead or alive - when we went to register my mother's death, we hit a problem as we had to state whether she was married or a widow. We said we didn't know. They said we needed to tell them something. I tried to find out whether his *possible* death, which could/could have taken place *anywhere in the world* would be traceable. No such luck, without leads as to his possible last whereabouts. In the end we put down married, as that was the last info that we had.
What more can I say?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Wow, I am sorry that your dad was a walk away. If I knew that, I sure didn't remember.
Amazing how something that seems so simple, like checking a box on a form can be so fraught with complexity. Not long ago I had to fill out some sort of a form that asked my marital status and I wished that there had been a box marked "other" or a place to write a paragraph. I am not really single, but I don't really feel married, and in some ways I do feel like I widow. So instead I just checked "married" which is true legally, if in no other way.
My dad was also a walk away, but only for about 6 or 8 months around the time that I was 15. He had an OW, but I don't know if he lived with her or not, I rather think not. Wherever he lived (in some cheap apt I think) I never visited him there, but he did come to see my brother and I at the house.
While he was living (another 2 1/2 years or so) I never forgave him for it.
I think sometimes that part of the reason that I work so hard at this is because I don't want my kids to be left with the legacy of divorce and a walk away dad. I keep thinking that sometime he will return to his senses and become the man that I knew.
What I haven't gotten past yet is the icky feeling when you have to fill out forms and check divorced. It gives me lots of feelings and none of them are helpful.
Hi Pam,
{{{{{{{{{{Pam}}}}}}}}}}
Glad to hear you are published and working. Builds the self esteem that our WAS tend to knock down.
Hope your weekend is going well.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
It's my favorite part of the day, when no one is up but me. I make a big pot of coffee (my one vice) and read, do my devotions, and sometimes get online. On a weekday I usually shower and dress early too in case I get called in to be a sub. teacher.
No teaching today though. Today I have a real estate closing to go to. We have sold one of the rental properties that we owned together with some friends.
I shouldn't really say "we" as only H's name and the other H's name appear on the title. H has surprisingly consented to giving me his power of attorney. These are the friends that helped me move H out last April and my H has yet to face them, he actually bears them a great deal of ill will.
His discomfort over the thought of seeing them has evidently overridden his desire to get his grubby little paws on the check. I am planning on using the $ to pay some bills, but I may be in for a fight here as he says he has bills to pay also.
The last time I was feeling generous I gave him the check that represented some $ we were owed from a friend because a stereo we lent him ended up getting stolen. And H promptly sent the $ off to OW.
At any rate this is one more entanglement that we are getting out of, simplifying the process if/when it comes to a D. We have several other pieces of real estate that are currently for sale.
Well I went to the real estate closing on Monday, but the amount that I walked home with is a lot less than what I thought it would be.
On the bright side, it is one less financial entanglement between H and I and our friends.
It was spoiled however by the fact that I found out Monday, that H cleaned out an e-trade account that we have.
Had the $ wire transferred to some account of his. I have no idea what he did with it.
I am sorry to say that I have less and less inclination to keep going. I do not like the man that my H has become. He is a liar and a fool not to mention an adulterer.
Monday night I talked with an old dear friend of mine. She and I worked together many years ago in Chicago. She is a mentor of sorts to me, she is about 72 years old and exemplifies living a spirit filled Christian life. Friend came to our wedding and knows H, but has not seen him since her 70th birthday a few years back.
My friend was separated from her H after her kids were out of the house, she stuck it out that long for the sake of the kids, though her H was messing around on her. Years later they finally got a D, and he re-married to a woman who is young enough to be his daughter.
Now, finally, after all these years friend's ex-H is saying that he made a huge mistake. He goes around speaking to Christain men's groups encouraging men to stick it out with their marriages. After 25 years he came and apologized to my friend for all that he has done. But I think it is very bittersweet for her. And I wonder what his current wife thinks about all this.
So my friend knows firsthand the pain and agony of an MLC and tells me it may take many years to resolve.
I have never thought of myself as a quitter, but things really seem hopeless. It is pretty sad when H calls and talks to the kids and I secretly hope that he WONT ask to talk to me. I don't have anything to say to him anymore. I got tired of putting my heart out there and getting it broken time and time again.
I am sorry for all that you are going through, and I know those feelings quite well too. Some days it seems posible to put our feeling on hold to wait things out, getting a life meanwhile, on other days it seems like an impossibly tall order.
I hope you are able to get by financially?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi Pam It is amazing t know, after that friends story, how long it could be the roead until they really find out how mistake and erronous they were and what they had lost... I know days will be brigther for you... yes they will... and try remembering the good and special things you earned bc your R, for yourself... sure there are, although the present time... not as a handle hope feeling, but as a reaffirmation that you didnt lost your time, and it was an imporant part of of your life that will continue... you will continue eraning more and more beautifull moments, learnings... Andrea
I am sorry to say that finances have become a concern. Since the time H started his business in November 2002 we have been living off of our savings plus the proceeds of the sale of some real estate investments.
That $ has run out, it's gone.
I never agreed with H's decision not to take a salary out of his business. To my thinking everyone but him got paid, so why shouldn't he take a check. But he always thought it necc to keep the $ in the business to help with cash flow.
Now we are out of cash, and our monthly bills are pretty big, owing to the fact that H used to make a very good salary back in the days before he started his own business. We have a vacation home (read an extra mortgage) where H is currently living. We have discussed putting it up for sale but H is dragging his feet in actually listing it.
I do not know where this is all headed. It makes my head swim.
