Thanks D... I need all of the help I can get. I dont know what I am ready for I am just so confused.....Ahhhhhhhh! I want to do one things but at the same time I dont want to....I just hate the thought that he is screwing some other lady and comes home to happy wife!
I have that same battle within myself everyday. If I act all happy all the time, let things that would normally upset me go right over my head, doesnt that tell H that I am willing to put up with this? That he can have his cake and eat it too? Then I say, well if I show him our life is too good to walk away from then one day soon he will stop lying and cheating. It is such a confusing time. I have said the words to H a few times that I am not willing to put up with this, but then my behavior doesnt reflect it. But I can tell you seriously I am nearing the end, and that is something only you can decide. When enough is enough. My sitch has been going on just about a yr. It is very tiring, and has definately changed me. Some things for the better because it has forced me to look at things that I may have done to lead up to this, and others for the worse, because I feel I lost a little bit of myself during this.
I keep taking my H's indecision and lack of moving out (even tho he has threatened to do so) as part of him knowing he doesnt want to let go of our R. BUt I will tell you as hard of a time I am having at GAL, it does peek their interest when you are doing what you nornally wouldnt do. Some things for good and others not. I know how you feel, as others here do, and if you get yourself back and do for you, ultimately you will be a better person for it.
Do you think that the birth of your daughter attributed to any of this? I know when I look back now, it caused our life to get into a rutt. I love my D, dont get me wrong and H loves her too, but I think the responsibility finally got the better of him. How does your H interact with your D?
I hear you Sun. I'm trying to hang in there to without thinking to much about what's happening behind the scenes. I have to remind myself constantly of the things that I did to contribute to this mess even though I've forgiven myself already. I also know that the way my wife is right now is not who she really is and that if i could change so fast it's certainly possible for her to do the same. I just want that to be before I can't take anymore.
Sun.. My H loves my daughter so much. I know that having a baby with me was a mutual decision and I think that he started getting nervous at the end. All of the resbonsibilies all over again.(He has a son from a previous marriage) He started talking to this girl when I was about 6-7 months pregnant and she was married too! She left her husband for mine. I have spoken to her and wanted to kill her(not really kill) I feel that she is trash for her behavior as well. She is only 26 with 3 childern her youngest is 2. She has told me some of the meanest grossest things and it made me sick. I love my H and I hae been willing to forgive him and move on....but to do that she or any other woman needs to be gone. I am selfish I guess. I am not out there f*%$ing around and I dont want to. If he wants her I know that I will be hurt but I wish that he would just go....and then him saying that he will never file for the D...I think that its all crazy. If he loves me and is not in love with me...and he is in love with her....why doesnt he just go. I am really fed up and I really think that he knows it. I hate secrets between H and W....so I dont feel that having a secret friend is good. Ahhhhhhh....I really dont know where to go from here. I am wondering if I should just give up! My heart is so tired of aching......:-(
Well...things are still hard for me...just like all of the rest of you. H talked to me last night and told me that he wishes that we could stay married but he doesnt know what is wrong with him because something inside of him doesnt want to be married. He did the I love you but I am not sure if I am in love with you thing...he told me that he is sorry for hurting me and it kills him inside. I asked him about how he said that he would never file for a D and he said that then he would never have to marry any other person because he would still be married....I didnt think that was funny. I dont know what he is going through and I dont know how to help him out. I didnt ask him about the OW all I said was that if I do find out he is sleeping with someone I really will leave him. I guess that if he really wants a D all he has to do is tell me that ...huh! He said that he is not doing that...I dont believe him.....actions speak louder than words...Right! I really do love him but I dont know where to go from here. I do believe that he loves me but I think that he is really confused. H really does have a lot to lose. He said that we had a great time together on Sunday and he really enjoyed himself...then he said that when he woke up he had that I dont want to be married feeling in him again and he hates feeling like that. Well, where do I go now! He must have gotten up and had that feeling again because he was really mean and nasty with me this morning. I use to love roller coaster rides but this one is making me sick.....Does anyone have any thoughts.
It is a roller coaster ride for sure. I never liked roller coasters. I would always get off the damn thing wanting to puke. However, I do like the water rides, like log rides, roaring rapids , etc. Wow did I get off topic...
Anyway, yes he does sound very confused, and I know it's very frustrating for you. You just have to keep DBing, validate his comments, etc. It's hard but at least he is still there. That in itself gives you a great opportunity for DBing. Believe me, it's hard once the Walkaway has truly walked away. Be strong and stay dry!!!
Yours, D...
P.S. Here's one of D12's jokes:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate looks at him and says, "AARRRRRRRRRRGGHHH, it's drivin' me nuts!!!"
I just want to know about validating his comments....can you give me some examples...I guess the tears have made some of my brain functions to stop working....:-)
I did really bad last night....I guess that I shouldnt have watched the last part of Oprah....H was really moody....he was very sad or melancoly....then he said that he hates feeling like this....He started in with the whole D and will never file thing again....Stupid me asked him why he did it...what did I do to make him run between the legs of another woman(;-)) Of course he said that I have been a perfect wife and he doesnt know what is wrong with him....he just needs some space....I am gone all of the time....out and about doing things for me....what other time can I give him..... He says he wants a D but I really dont think that he does.....I am so confused about eveything. I let him get me to raise my voice and I asked him if it was over with the OW...(Damn you Oprah and guest) of course he said yes! I told him that I dont want to argue with him...its not fun for me. I told him that it is time that I take care of me and not worry all about him. He said that he agrees. What is wrong with him....can he really want a D and can he really be out of love with me...I cant bare to think about that.....I need some help and example of what to do....Sorry everyone for whinning like a baby.......
I hear ya loud and clear Blondeqt! Last night we had an R talk that wasn't so good. H says he IS leaving for sure and he's already decided how it will end. (with a D) Throughout our talk periodically he would say, "if" we do this... (meaning D) H wants to live in a room above the 2nd garage and I still think he's nuts. That would be just too hard for me to have him so near and I just don't think the kids would get it. We go to the MC tomorrow at 9am. He's supposed to tell us then how we break all this to the kids.
One other interesting tidbit...need some guidance. During our talk, I told H that it is becoming increasingly harder not to pick up the phone to call OW. I have never done it and don't even know if I have the guts to. Well, H asked what I expected to gain from talking to her? I told H that it would just make me feel better somehow. (BTW, OW is still married and living with her spouse and kid or kid(s) ) I told H that if I never did talk to OW and tell her how I feel she interfered, I will never feel like I did all I could do to say I tried to save our marriage. After a few minutes, H said, "if you want to call her and that will make you feel like you've done all you can, then call her." H said I can't guarantee that she'll take your call, but I'm not going to be angry if you call. THEN, H says, you need to know though, no matter if you call her or not, the end result won't change. (the D) So I'm torn. Don't know whether to call and just say please back off for a bit to see if we can save this, or just call her a homewrecker and hang up, or even call at all. Any thoughts?
The threads that I have read where there was contact with the ow have not gotten good results. It just made the WAS angry and did not get the results they expected. It pushed them farther away.
I have tried to call the ow and my H found out and it made him very angry.
Think about this. Someone has suggested making the ow a nonentity (not a person you need to concern yourself about) but to continue working on you the only person you can change. You can't change your H or the ow. Focus on you.
