I don't want to hijack either, but did any of you very intelligent and enlightened folks react with anger when your H finally came around and wanted to work things out? H sent me flowers today and I felt like tossing them in the trash, jumping up and down on them and dumping them in his lap. There was a very nice card attached that said something like "love has many shapes and paths and I see ours following the same one." Very nice, right? I wanted to punch him. Has this happened to anyone else? I should be happy right? But I just feel mad. I thought I was over being mad, or caring either way. Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Mellanie... thats so normal... YOU ARE TIRED...!... tired of wanting a response or an actitude like that and not receiving it at all... and finally, when it cames, you question yourself... and what about all the hurt yet made?... So, swallow that flowers if you wish, and work yurself in what can be the forgivness issue... i dont know your present situation... i will look maybe it is an alien who is sending you that flowers... they can do fix flax so easily... always expecting we accept all as quickly as they change theis actitude...
Quote: Because somewhere in me is a fear that the 'why' may be something I cannot fix, and that if this is a situation where we have a fundamental shift in expectations of each other, then the only way is towards the path of irreconcilable differences. Mind you, I don't rationally believe this to be the case, but since when have emotions been rational
Let me illustrate a recent experience. I find myself enjoying uncomplicated company much more now than I used to before - perhaps it is an ability to see people without preconceived notions, something one acquires with life experience. NG however, remains as intolerant of social gatherings as he has always been. It makes for uncomfortable compromises, which we are both working hard on, but how long can we be accommodating of diverging interests? How do I maintain a healthy relationship and be true to myself? Now, this is not a big deal, as deals go, but I guess its a pattern I'm afraid to explore more fully.
Slowly,
I think you're making WAY more out of this than you ought to be, honey. I believe in DR, Michele talks about the four phases of a relationship. This is one thing our C tried to get me and SO to understand before we split. At some point, you have to come to the acceptance that NG is just the way NG is. Period. There's nothing right or wrong about it. You can't control him (as I'm sure you already are aware). But you can control you. Of course you can continue to build/have a healthy R w/NG...AND with your friends and interests outside of your M. Yes, you CAN be true to yourself AND to your M.
In your instance above, couldn't you just go to the social gathering w/o him? Go ahead and enjoy yourself, and let him not go, if that's what he so chooses? What would be a 180 for you in a sitch like that? Or what would be something completely new for you to try? Just b/c you two are back together does not mean that you are joined at the hip. It's perfectly fine for each of you to pursue your own interests. Don't you pursue different interests from your other friends? Doesn't the place of your friendship with other people reside in the land of common ground?
Don't dwell on this. For your M/R, dwell in your common ground. One of the mistakes I made in my R was that I stopped treating SO like a friend. Maybe if you work to see NG more as a separate human being, with separate interests and separate talents. Let the two of you compliment each other.
What a day today has been! An early customer crisis has derailed all of us, and consumed the whole day
I just got back from picking NG up at the airport, and am going to hit the sack. Feeling more than a little frustrated because there is so much I want to say, but am just too tired to stay up Manana has to be a better day!
Hi Slowly! Sorry you had such a rough day. Inquiring minds want to know: How did NG react to the new BR? Hope today is more restful and relaxed, and that NG is having a good time organizing his things in his new wardrobe.
Hi Martha and Jennifer - Thanks for stopping by, things at work are still incredibly hectic, for both NG and myself But, the weekend starts in a few hours here, and I've got a glass of wine with my name on it. Apart from yoga tomorrow, we are blissfully devoid of plans
NG loves the new bedroom, though it took a lot of interpretation. When he came back and went to change, I could hear the pause in his footsteps - obviously taking in the new wardrobe, the stuff that has been moved around. He said nothing, and over a drink, I asked what he thought, and the only response was 'its nice'. Mars speak - I've just come back from a long flight, and am not in the mood to talk. I dropped it.
An hour later, he asks when I organised everything. You should know that this store makes a meal out of delivery and assembly, it really does take a lot of co-ordination. Mars-speak - Honey, I really appreciate the effort you have gone into organising this. The next morning, over breakfast, he casually asks how I managed to move so many heavy things, and what help did I get. My translation of his mars-speak - Sweetie, the more I think of this, the more I realise just what a lovely surprise this is. Anyhow, he seems to like it
One thing that I am getting much better at is asking then backing off when he does not have much to say. Eventually he does elaborate, it just may take a couple of days. Zipping my mouth is certainly serving me well.
WOW, Slowly! Amazing - I'm so impressed. I would probably be pouting and sticking my lip out if I got a response like that, and you have really turned his non-responses into favorable feedback. Way to go!
[taking notes]
Could he possibly have been thinking that some muscular loverboy was over there helping you move the heavy stuff while he was away? I wonder if that thought flitted across his mind.
Here's wishing you a very relaxing, happy weekend.
One thing that I am getting much better at is asking then backing off when he does not have much to say. Eventually he does elaborate, it just may take a couple of days. Zipping my mouth is certainly serving me well.
Isn't it amazing? I never realized how much I talked and rushed conversations until I started zipping it up and waiting..... I was startled to learn that a) not everything needs to be discussed THIS INSTANT and b) if I give enough time and space, h brings up many things that I had ASSumed he wasn't interested in discussing.
Good Mars-speak translating on your part!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ah, yes! Thanks for the reminder. My H has been back home with me for about a week now. On Sunday he came home from the driving range and said he did pretty horrible at hitting the balls. Then he sat down and had that glazed over look as he watched TV. I looked at him a couple of times and I knew I shouldn't, but I asked him if he was feeling ok. He said he was tired. I asked if he was down about the golf or if it was something else. He said it was the golf. I should never have asked. That has gotten me in trouble so many times--my imagination got away from me--he's only been here a couple of days maybe he's changing his mind--any minute now he's going to say it was a mistake to come here!" CRAZYMAKING! Have to learn to trust and keep my mouth shut.
Manana has to be a better day!
