Have you asked your wife to read SSM? If so, what was her reaction?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes, I was reading it around the house and she did pick it up and selectively read (I think mostly on the chapter on increasing the libido of the LD person. She never said much and stopped reading after maybe one chapter. Im not too sure what she got out of it but from her reactions or lack of not much.
We have gone to counselling a few times, first togeather, then I went sepparately (but have stopped) and she is now going to see the same tharapist sepparately.
After one of her first sessions (she seemed very upset), I asked her how things went, she told me that the therapist thought that she was "pre-menapausal" and that some ppl when they are in that state find sex to be unenjoyable and even some ladies switch to the other team (if you get my meaning).
I couldnt beleive what I was hearing, that a trusted therapist would put that kind of idea in her head. A week or so later she asked me if I thought that she was considering "switching teams", I honestly answered "I dont really know", she assured me that that was not the case but the tought is still lingering in the back of my mind.
So I guess the long and the short of it all is that yes she read (a chapter or two) of SSM and there seemed to be no improvement in our intamacy or lack there of.
Not too sure if I should ask her to read the whole thing or leave it be. I dont want to make her feel pressured (as she has told me in the past that she has felt with reguards to intamacy.
Any ideas / suggestions? Thanks for any insights you may be able to provide.
Well tried a new tactic yesterday, thought I would try a 180 on my 180.. That is I thought I would start showing a little more compassion / affection to my W. This morning she looked a little concerned so I asked her what's up? She told me she was confused by the sudden change in my attitude and was wondering what she did to change it. I mentioned that she did nothing that it was me trying to make a change. She didnt want to talk about it, but said we would talk later.
I guess this might be a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I have to learn to take it that way.
I wonder if Michell needs to add a 180 - 180 to her list of things to try. That is go dark, then back to the light?
I hope I can keep this new attitude up, its a tough one. But at least im trying something..
Confused wrote: ------------------ I couldnt beleive what I was hearing, that a trusted therapist would put that kind of idea in her head. A week or so later she asked me if I thought that she was considering "switching teams", I honestly answered "I dont really know", she assured me that that was not the case but the tought is still lingering in the back of my mind. ------------------
Man, my 'flags' are standing tall and waving.
I need some more history, more details.
How long sex starved?
What have you tried? Details? Results?
What are your days like? Where does your wife spend her time?
Tell me anything new or 'interesting' about her behaviors. Changes, etc...
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
My wife and I have been together for about 10 Yrs. We have been married for 5. We have two beautiful daughters aged 5 and 3. For the past 5 yrs the frequency and the intensity of our love making has been on a steady decline. When we first met we ML passionately probably 4 – 5 times per week. Lately I have a hard time recalling when the last time we ML passionately, if I had to guess I would say over a year ago. From my recollection we have been having problems for about 2 - 3 yrs. Things in the last year have blow up to the point of feeling like we are at best roommates and nothing more.
I have read DR, SSM, Love Languages, and another one by Michelle that the name escapes me, I also have listened to KLA. When I read SSM I found the first two chapters describing my feelings to a tee.
I have tried going dark for three weeks, that seemed to drive my W further away. I am now trying to act "as if", showing her affection at least daily (rub her shoulders etc) in a non sexual way. This so far seems to be working, but she has told me (last night) that she didn’t understand what she did to bring about the change. I tried to explain to her that nothing she did or didn’t do brought about the change but that I just couldn’t continue to live this way, emotionally distant and detached from my spouse.
When I was reading SSM she did pick up the book and flip through a few chapters. I asked her last night what she got from the book and she told me that she simply got that Michelle was saying that the LD spouse should simply "do it". Also she got that there are LD and HD spouses and what is right for one is not necessarily right for the other. So what she told me is that there should be some way of matching up those spouses?!
I did explain to her what intimacy and ML mean to me. Specifically it’s not about the act of sex but the feeling of being accepted, loved and appreciated.
8 Months ago, she came to me and said that she "almost wanted to have sex to see if we were still compatible in that way". She told me later that way that she was trying to say that she wanted to ML. Later that week we did try and it was rather uncomfortable for the both of us.
Again about a month ago we did try again (after she read parts of SSM) and yet again it was the most uncomfortable and awkward thing I think I have ever done. I think this last time it made it clear to me that sex with my wife probably will never be what it once was. I told her I appreciated her trying but I think she felt the same way. More to the point I think that she and I both feel that sex is something that will probably not happen again.
To add to our difficulties, we are in a difficult way financially. We are making ends meat right now but I am self employed and currently prospects for my company are not too great, adding additional pressure to our relationship.
Both my W and I work full time and send our kids to daycare during the day. My W’s job takes her out town often, at least 1 week per year.
Her job seems to be an additional strain to her as her workload increases and her pay does not. She has told me that she feels used and is tired of them “dangling the carrot” in front of her over and over.
My W is very much the perfectionist and NEEDS to have things planned out and organized. Our two D’s have had various problems that seem to add to the whole mix. Our oldest has an ongoing problem with potty training, which lately seems to be getting much better (she’s gone almost a week without an accident!). Out youngest is slightly delayed in her physical skills and need extra work to get her caught up to where she should be at physically with her age group.
I tend to be more the disciplinarian in our house and I think this drives my wife nuts. She feels that I expect too much from our youngest and that I am too hard on her. So I think she compensates by being alot more leaniant with our youngest than with our oldest. She asked me the other day if I am so hard on our youngest because she reminds me of my W!? I explained that that was not the case but I dont think she beleives me.
Just to repeat, lately (past three days, I have dropped the going dark in favour of acting “as if”. So far not much of a reaction from my wife short of her feeling uncomfortable and unsure where I am coming from. But no bad reactions so far. So I think I need to continue down this path for a week or three and see if things improve.
Short term goals, have my wife touch me (non sexually), give me a hug for no good reason (or for a good reason too!), and to have a “nice” non heated conversation.
Sorry to be so long winded, some times I just need to vent a little.
Welcome to the BB. It seems to me that you are, at least, going in the right direction. You both agree that there is a problem. It seems that your W and mine have a similar neurosis: grasping at straws for a grievance. I started calling her on being unpleasable; she is starting to come around. At least your W has condescended to reading SSM. Might I suggest showing her to the Monster Board in an effort to reduce some of her job stresses. I too got my chain jerked by more responsibilities and no pay raise--when I started taking days off in mid-week to interview the promises magically materialized.
I really want to encourage you to talk to your wife. I don't mean just about the sex. From what you write, it sounds like there is some low level anger coming from both of you toward each other.
Ask your wife to consider sex on a schedule, even if it is just once a week. Ask her then give her a day to think about it, then come back and discuss it.
Don't worry about the uncomfortableness at first. You can work through that. Practice will make it go away. You can't have good sex unless you practice. You can't practice if you don't have sex.
If you can handle it, have a nice non-confrontational talk and bring up the schedule. Make it a request, not a demand, and not some wimpy plead.
Report the results back here.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Had a small chat with my wife, she was asking me "what did I do that made you change from being distant to showing me affection?" I told her that she did nothing and that I decided that I cant live in a relationship that has us living as roomates / parenting partners. She wasnt feeling to well (it seems that she has a perpetual cold going on, we are at 6 mnths and counting so far) but she did agree that we should talk more about this.
The other day I wrote on the calendar (on the fridge) "Date Nite?" She did notice and asked what we were doing, I think I was just fishing but at least I got a nibble. She also mentioned that maybe we could talk more about our R then. Wish me luck, I hope things go well.
Sounds to me like perhaps you ought to make plans for the two of your for your "Date Night", just take charge and plan something for the two of you. Even if it's just a picnic on the living room floor with candlelight or a fire.
That would be a nice setting to continue your conversation
I have planned to take my wife to the driving range (she had requested it earlier in the week), then a movie and dinner. I think the chat may happen after all that. I was thinking that if things went well it would be a better stage for a conversation. If things dont go too well then I think I will avoid the conversation for another time. What do you think?
