Keb, is your W seeing a counselor? It seems like my W's C is filling her head with the courage to ditch me. She has changed so much in so little time. Keep up the heat, she will melt, unless she is getting some cool down from outside.
CSW, It's not your wife's counselor filling her head with nonsense; it's the other man.
Look, the ONLY reason I would talk with someone 7 times per day (150 times a month?!) would be if I was in love with them. Plain and simple. There is no best friend that is worth that much of my time.
Listen to NOPkins and do what he says.
Oh and keep it up with the bumps and grinds and sexy flirting. That will stick in her mind, even as she's calling OM for the umpteenth time that day. I can tell you from personal experience that I would brush my H off with derision and then spend the rest of the day thinking about his advance.
Be the man of the hour and give her something to ponder and cogitate and I'm wondering if suddenly the OM won't look so appealing.
Do you and your W go to the same C? If not, then I suggest a C who will see both of you, at the same time.
My H had been seeing a C all on his own, which really didn't do us any good at all. My H is definitely not wanting out of our M but I can see how easy it would be if your W is seeing her own C and you your own, she could put a very negative spin to things where the C has no idea that you are trying.
You may have already addressed this earlier...if so, I'm sorry to rehash it.
I am trying to implement all of NOPkins suggestions. They are concise, but full of meaning! It is tough to make some of these changes, but I am up for the challenge. I have been pulling my weight for some time now, and it feels good. I had been a bit clingy and needy since the bomb, but since finding this thread, I have changed the way I express myself to my wife. My overall disposition has gone from down to optimistic. After Nopkins suggestions, I have hardened myself more. I grabbed W as she was preparing to leave, pulled her close, gave her a big smooch on the forehead and walked away smiling and saying "Have a great day!". I exuded confidence, she looked at me blinking rapidly and stood there a bit dumbfounded. We haven't kissed since I went in for surgery several weeks ago, and I initiated that one as well.
W goes to her own C, rec'ed by her sister. At first we were going to see him together, but W said she wanted to go alone. I went to my own C a few times, then we went to my C together twice. If W pushes the trial sep thing again, I will insist on seeing her C before we implement anything, since it is his idea, and My C thinks it is absurd. At that time I will make it perfectly clear that I will NOT move out, that it is her choice to leave or stay. W has consistently shortchanged my contributions to our M, and I know that with her slant, her C is telling her to walk away. Her C is a die hard old schooler, and they are going over all of her family issues, seemingly from infancy!
Nop, OM's W is the one that clued me in to A. We did compare, and found some rather discouraging info, first the call freq. The numbers I mentioned earlier were from W to his #, and did not include frmm OM to W calls. In Oct, shortly after getting new phones for he & his W, OM got another phone, this time same Co. as my W,so they could get free calls (this after a $150 cell bill that he told her he "would take care of"). OM's W said OM told her it was a company phone, but he is getting the bill at home (she opened, it was brief version, no call info included, he still feaked out) These are slap in the face facts that are painting an ugly picture.
I have firmly grabbed myself and given a good shake to loosen up all of the mud that I have been dragging along. I am seeing things more clearly, and I know that the facts are my friends. I can't prove anything yet, and I really don't know how I will feel if I do prove an A. I want to think that we can work through the problems at hand, but when I look into W's eyes now, I can't help but think that the next words out of her mouth are going to be a lie.
Yes - your W is undoubtedly lying about at least some, if not all, aspects of her R with OM. It is discouraging but let me add a piece of encouragement. My Dad had a midlife affair. It lasted a couple of months and was discovered when he attempted to break it off with her and she called Mom. I was in college and out of the house during this time. My Dad had realized by that point that he had made a terrible mistake. He admitted what he had done to each member of the family, apologized and accepted full responsiblity. It was a turning point. From there they set about renegotiating their R. They never had a problem with their SL. It was always active but there were other issues that needed to be worked out. They are happier now than they have ever been. Things can work out.
Thanks Karen, I obviously haven't been completely upfront with my W, or we wouldn't be where we are. I didn't let her know the depth of pain from my abuse, nor did I let her know the severity of my earlier med problem. These things added to our distance. I am not taking all of the blame, to be sure, but I do own up to my part of the prob. I do want to work on R, and can forgive, if we get to that point.
Keb, Juat wanted to say great job!!!! Keep it up. I think in time she will definetely see you as a sexual object again!I am sure you gave her some things to think about.hehe
Hey Everyone! I appreciate the pats on the back. I honestly couldn't have done it without the advice from all the LADIES...okay and you men-folk, too.
CSW--
Quote: I have firmly grabbed myself and given a good shake
Remember not too much of that...it's what got us (at least some of us) to the place where we are with our Ws!
Quote: is your W seeing a counselor? It seems like my W's C is filling her head with the courage to ditch me. She has changed so much in so little time. Keep up the heat, she will melt, unless she is getting some cool down from outside.
My wife and I are seeing the same C...both individually and together. The C is very marriage-oriented but she's also a realist and can see that my wife isn't open to saving the R talks...YET! At my session on Tuesday, she told me to get BUSY implementing the DB techniques I've been learning...gotta love her for that!
I understand what you mean by "she has changed so much in so little time." It feels that my W is that way too. In some ways she has because for her to make this decision, she had to get the courage and harden herself...and that's what she is doing. BUT, in the bigger picture, she has been struggling with this for at least a year and a half--and finally got the courage to do something about it.
I still think she is getting less than productive advice from somewhere. BUT, all I can do is keep on keeping on...so that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I will be more appealing to her than the advice she's getting!
Have a GREAT day guys! It's beautiful here...so, I'm going to leave a little early and take my kids to play down at the boardwalk on Galveston Bay!
I understood about the initial contact with the other man's wife. Since the affair is ongoing, it would be a good idea to compare recent notes to see if you can determine if the affair has gone physical.
You must also understand, that an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. In fact, for most women, an emotional affair comes before the physical part.
Generally speaking, as a guy, the emotional part is not going to bother you as bad as the idea of it being physical, and this is a mistake, because with most females involved in affairs, the emotional part is prep for the physical.
Generally speaking about guys, the sex can come first, then the emotional.
You did well with the hug and kiss.
Secret cell phones (often disguised as company phones) are the trademark of affairs.
What is the other man's wife doing regarding the affair?
We need to develop a good strategy for you. You are well on your way with a good start for now.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think in time she will definetely see you as a sexual object again!I am sure you gave her some things to think about.hehe