This too shall pass. Hang in there. I hope you can make progress in this M - stranger things have happened. If you can't then it is time to buck up, learn something from it and move on in your life. You don't really know which it right now - do you? You don't know whether this M is done or whether it isn't. All I'm sure of is that you can't do anything effectively from a feeling of total failure. You might have culpability but your spouse does too. Hang in there.
You are going through an IMMENSELY emotional time right now. You will definitely have your ups and downs, those are to be expected and are completely natural. It's ok though...it's ok to feel overwhelemed, it's ok to feel grief, it's ok to feel anger...just take the time to work your way through. This will take time, it's going to be tough, it's going to take hard work.
Just take things one day at a time, you will get through this...you are going to come out the other end a much better person for it too.
KEB, just hang in there. No matter how bad it feels, this pain will not kill you. Just stay with it. Don't bolt or distract yourself. THIS TIME for once and for all, go through the whole thing... Feel whatever comes up and let it pass. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Treat yourself tenderly and be patient. This will pass and I agree with GEL you will be a stronger and better person.
Nopkins, I appreciate your straight shooting. I have been searching for hope, and have received a good deal of it from the lovely HDWs. But hope is a tiny portion of the picture that I NEED to see. I would like to hear your suggestions for becoming a "man of steel". I am a blacksmith, but that is not what you are refering to . I am willing to fight tooth and nail to save our M, and have hardened myself for the task at hand.
I made an appt for Sat for the atty. I feel the need to be aware of my options BEFORE approaching the OM discussion with W. I can't worry too much about W draining our accounts, as we are already nearly broke. We DO have equity in the house, so I need to protect that. I am not sure what I can do to pay the atty, without draining an acct. The initial consult is free, but you get what you pay for, IMHO. For a contested D, I am looking at several G's so we may as well put the house on the market immediately.
I obviously am not planning on moving out, as she is the one that wants the change. I can forget about using this line "Wife, your talking to the other man is hurting me and destroying our marriage. Please stop." because that is what she wants to do, destroy our M. She sees OM as her best friend, and I can literally see her laughing in my face if I used that tactic.
I am having difficulty with the best approach to the topic of OM. I don't want the discussion to end before it starts, and W will put up her dukes at the onset if I say "we need to talk about OM." Once that happens, I will be a gerbil in a wheel, spinnng wastefully as my words roll around in front of me. How can I get past the fact that all I really have are suspicions? She will immediately deny any wrongdoing, and my stack of cell bills will do little to scare her into talking. If I approach the topic by saying, I suspect that you are more involved w/ OM than you are leading me to believe, and here are a sickening amount of phone calls to prove it, it is the same as putting plugs in her ears.
Thanks again for your hard hitting advice. I can't even feel the sting of the facts. "Facts are simple and facts are straight" I need a few more facts to base my case about OM. I am searching for the clues I am sure I missed along the way. If I can build up the facts, I think I can get W to fess up. If she fesses up, then we are in a much better place to plan our future. As is, believing her current story, that this is all about us, leaves me cold. While I may have shortchanged her with my SD, there is no doubt in my mind that I have been a good husband and a good friend. I AM the man of the hour! She is a fool to close that door.
Don't talk to her about the other man until you do have facts. Doing otherwise will simply drive the affair further underground.
I will be away until late tonight, but I will get back to you on the rest of your post.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
csw-- She doesn't treat me as broken. In fact, she told me that bad things happen to a lot of kids and they survive. Nice, huh? I don't think she truly meant it like that but it felt that way nevertheless.
I just admitted all of this to her last week and on the weekend. I just admitted it to myself last week. So it's all still new and raw.
I feel broken and like damaged goods. I don't expect her to fix me...I just want her to understand me and what happened!!
I had a counsellor that said little kids are curious, as if! Take a look at MS discussion board if you feel the need. Remember, it wasn't your fault, so you are only damaged if you let yourself feel that way.
quote: --------------- W did suffer quietly for a long time, then she drifted, and since oct has been calling OM & avoiding me. I know that we will not gain any ground until the air is clear regarding this, but I see a very dark cloud ahead. I don't want to be a snoop, a sneak or a spy. My evidence of EA is slim to none, simply the phone bills showing 4-7 calls a day, sometimes 2Hr calls, increasing to nearly 150 calls in Feb. Now that W cancelled online bill, I won't even have that evidence. ---------------
If your wife is spending that much time with another man, even if it is just on the phone, then it is at best, inappropriate. It sure sounds like a full blown affair - emotional, possibly physical. The problem with wives having affairs is that husbands are typically slow on the uptake. In other words, the affair is usually a lot further along by the time a man notices. Women tend to notice much earlier in the process.
It would probably be a good thing to talk to the other man's wife and the two of you compare schedules and activity times for your respective spouses. You might quickly find a pattern if there is one.
All this is going to take time. The most important thing you can do, is to get a firm grip on yourself.
Take anything that your wife says to the counselor with a HUGE grain of salt. Remember, her morals have shifted. She does not see things the way you or I would right now. Expect her to try and get you to leave. Don't do it.
Being the man of steel is a bit of work for a conflict avoider. You need to recognize that first off. Avoiding conflict got you into this mess. The conflict avoider must go.
I have already given you a partial list of things to do and don't do. Study them. Make them a part of you.
Whenever you want to avoid the issues, or feel the need for comforting, don't give into it. At the same time, you need to make yourself available to your wife.
Examples;
Good; ------ Wife: "I never meant to hurt you"
You: "I believe that you mean that. I still love you and I am ready and able to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage with you, as soon as you stop all contact with the other man."
Bad; ----- Wife: "All this crap is your fault! If you had only tried to meet my needs, I would never have done this."
You: "I know, I am so sorry, you are right it is my fault. Please give me a hug. Please just give me one more chance. I promise I can have sex with you as often as you want it."
The first example shows you a firm and loving man, plus you are negotiating for the end of the affair.
The second example shows a desperate, needy, grabby man.
The correct way to handle the second example: ---------- Wife: "All this crap is your fault! If you had only tried to meet my needs, I would never have done this."
You: "Your choice to go outside of our marriage to get your needs met is strictly your responsibility, it was your choice, not my fault. Regardless, I still love you and I am ready to do whatever it takes to recover our marriage, just as soon as you stop all contact with the other man."
It is fine to own up to your responsibility in the condition of the marriage, it is not okay for you to accept blame for choices not your own. You have definitely contributed to the condition of your marriage, but you did NOT force your wife to have an affair.
You can't waffle. You must decide to be the hero for your marriage. I can't be, and your wife won't be. That leaves you. Do you think you are up for the job?
If you are up for the job, go back and re-read my few posts to you. There is more usable information there than you might realize at first.
Next, make a short list for yourself of do's and don'ts.
After that, you need a plan of action. A list of what needs to be done immediately. Legal, financial accounting, separation of finances, etc.
Please understand, there are NO GUARANTEES that you will save your marriage, but the better your effort in the battle, the more likely the outcome will be in your favor.
Oh, and you will want to make sure that your wife is NOT reading here. Possibly later, but certainly not right now. That would be a major tactical mistake for obvious reasons.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
. I am willing to fight tooth and nail to save our M, and have hardened myself for the task at hand.