Well, BMOW and I have developed an email dialog. She sent me some more info late last night.
Quote: The lies just go on and on...., it would appear that as we unravel all of this we are both getting revelations from all sides.
Continuing the story, I started to see things deteriorate between us sexually in Nov 2003. He supposedly became totally impotent, something that supposedly even meds couldn't break through. We did not have any physical contact from November 2003 through late January 2004. He claimed that it was all the serious depression he was experiencing. He even claimed that he was taking anti-depressants and they were affecting him sexually. I don't know now if he actually ever went to the Dr. for the meds or if he was even going to counseling sessions when he said he was.. he told me that he was seeing a counselor for himself in addition to the joint sessions with you. At this point, I believe there was very little truth to anything that he said to me.
And yes, we will end the business. It needed to end a long time ago for me, I just felt so badly for the other people involved, but at this point, I have to make a stand and do what's best for you and I. I don't even think I want to offer it any business partners, I think we should just auction off the inventory, turn the site off and be done with it.
Also, your H never took any responsibility for the problems in your marriage, it was always your fault. The things that he told me about you made you sound like some wretched person. Of course I believed it all back then, he was very good at spinning tails and making it sound like his home life was one of utter loneliness and abandonment.
I would listen to him tell me about how he would manipulate you, and for some reason it never occurred to me that he would be doing the same to me...of course he was. I personally think that he is a master manipulator.
I can give you a specific on this one... I think you had written him a letter and left it in his computer case (this was shortly after we returned from Chicago). He read parts of the letter to me, specifically where you address the fact that you were uncomfortable with his and my relationship. He told me that he confronted you about the letter and that he purposely made you feel bad about it and embarrassed you by telling you that he had told everyone involved with the business about the letter and the "false" accusations. I felt sorry for you, because I knew the truth and thought that what he was saying and doing was uncalled for. Now it just looks so horribly cruel and ugly, that he was protesting too much and completely beat you down again. He would purposely make you feel badly about how you were supposedly treating him and then he would go about his business as if he were completely justified and entitled.
He told me that his first wife cheated on him early in the marriage when they lived in LA, but that was the only time that he knew of. He never said that they had an open marriage or understanding, as a matter of fact he claimed to have only cheated on her twice. Once with a woman he picked up in a bar and another time with a "porn star" that he met in Las Vegas. He claimed that those were the only 2 times that he ever cheated on her. I repeatedly asked about this through the course of our relationship and his story never changed.
To be honest, I never thought his molestation incident was all that traumatic of a story and apparently it only happened once. I think that it was just another excuse to get rid of me when something better came along. He was looking for everything and everyway he could to break things off with me at the end. I was the stupid stubborn one that was willing to stick by his side no matter what he was going through. I cared so deeply for him that it was much more than a physical relationship for me. I would have done just about anything he asked of me, and I did
He also told me that he promised you children later on in your marriage. He told me that after you had been married a few years that every time the subject came up he would do everything he could to talk you out of having children. He made it very clear to me that he had NO interest in having more children with anyone. Sounds like more manipulation on his part.
When you threatened divorce during your separation, he was totally apathetic, so I'm not sure this threat will motivate him to address his issues. Unless you force the issue and actually make a move to do something...he'll just sit and let whatever happens to him happen. And this is totally predictable. If he does nothing then he can't be responsible, right? Then it's easier to say that it was everyone else's fault and that he is just the victim.
I don't think you ever realized how frequently we saw each other. It was at least 1-2 times a week. The longest we ever went without seeing each other was over Christmas 2003 and that was about 10 days. He frequently came to see me without your knowledge and I know that he did not share it everytime I came to see him. After you moved out, he would have me park my car in the alley behind the house.
This internet business we created was going to be the financial answer to his prayers...he was going to take care of me and get you the ranch you always dreamed of. What I can't believe is that I bought into this and that I was actually willing to sacrifice my life to become somebody's mistress... what the heck was I thinking... LOL, I mean at this point LG, I have to laugh.. I have to hold onto my sense of humor to keep from completely falling apart over all of this.
It was a really twisted way to think but he was good at manipulating and I was blind to it and bought into it. He never once said that he would leave you, he always stated clearly that was not his intentions. But he also made it clear that he had every intention of making me a permanent part of his life somehow.
Your H was constantly talking about how broke he was and how concerned he was about his finances, but then would spend money as if it were never going to stop flowing in. He would tell me that he couldn't afford to fix things up around the house or get a yard service and then go and blow 2 grand on a table saw that I doubt to this day has ever done more than split a 2x4.
I am curious as how he managed a harem as you say he had...and it's ironic that you used that word. When I met him he told me that his initial plan with AFF was to have about 5 women lined up so that he could rotate them and bring a new one in to the mix occasionally.. that he was actually trying to create a "harem" (his words). He made me believe that when he met me that this all changed and that I was the only one... that he stopped all activities to find other women.
He must have other email accounts etc that neither of us know about because I checked his email accounts constantly (several times daily)... and never saw anything that lead me to believe he was communicating with other women. I would love to know the answer to that.. I mean, I know it's not my place etc, but this is all such a shock to me. Think about it, either you or I knew where he was 24/7, there were very few days that I was not online with him all day while he was at work and almost the entire evening.. we would be online together until 1-3 in the morning for months.... when did he have time to see anyone else?? How did he ever get any work done? He would tell me that his job was so high pressure and that the demands on him at work were great. It's hard to believe that he could be successful with his career and manage to chase skirts as much as he did.
His secret hotmail account--he never used that account for spam, that account is specifically for private correspondance. That is the account that he and I used to correspond. The fact that it's still open tells me everything we need to know.
If not for my children, I think I was near suicide over things. I had devoted so much time and effort into the him, his life and his dreams that I lost myself in the process. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship for me and was actually my blessing that he dumped me when he did. I would have to guess at this point that any tears he had were more for show and from disappointment that I didn't make the business what he wanted.
I could go into pages about that too... why the business didn't and couldn't work.. He nor any business partners ever really helped with that damn company. There were always excuses and things always took 3 times as long as they should have to get done. But I never pressured him... but it's all moot now. just venting I guess...
I do know that all of the women prior to me and with me were all larger women. He also enjoyed taking pictures and video taping. There were dozens of pictures on his laptop and there is also a video tape that he had. I hate thinking that he has pictures still on his laptop.. think we could accidently drop that thing into a lake somewhere??
I had hoped the he had long since deleted everything and destroyed the tape, but at this point from what you've indicated, it may be highly unlikely and it may very well still be there. It's a small 8mm tape, not a VHS.. I would really love to know that the tape has been totally destroyed.
I really haven't had any contact with him since June of last year and that was under duress. I was not aware of any other people, he tried to make me believe that you and I were the only ones in his life.
I will just say that I believe that your H's feelings for anyone are as geniune as he is capable of feeling. What I'm not sure of is if the feelings run deep enough to really want to heal or understand that he needs to change completely to ever really find peace or happiness.
Initially when he broke things off with me I did threaten to tell you everything that I knew.. but I never did because I couldn't bring myself to hurt you any more than I already had. I thought there was really no good that could come of my lashing out in anger. But it was a tactic that I was not afraid to let him know that I would use if he pushed me too far. I believe that the reason that he has not addressed the business or me with you was out of fear. He's afraid that I'm going to tell you everthing that I have.. LOL, little did he ever imagine that we would actually collaborate to really get to the truth for both of us.
If history repeats itself, I have a feeling that he'll just shut down completely when confronted with all this. Hopefully he won't, maybe he will finally see all of this as his salvation. I hope that he is that insiteful...
Talk soon, BMOW
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Okay LG - now the big question is - what do you want to do, and how do you plan to go about it?
I mean - if you plan to divorce him, then I would suggest that first you gather all your evidence, and that you do a forensic search on the financials (he certainly sounds capable of hiding bank accounts on you.) And squirrel away some cash for yourself for the transition. No point in letting him know about your plans in advance - I'm sure he'd just hide money then.
If you still plan to give him a chance - I'd have all the conditions of treatment etc. written down.
Quote: what do you want to do, and how do you plan to go about it?
I really have made no decisions just yet. I am torn between giving H yet another chance or just walking away from it all and starting over. I will speak to my counselor and my church leaders, then make a decision.
My problem is I don't know if I will ever be able to trust my H again about ANYTHING he says or does. And on top of that, I don't know if I can ever be intimate with him again, if it comes to that. This man has degraded and abused me just as much as he has all the women involved in his sexcapades.
I keep thinking about H's claims to BMOW of molestation at 14 years of age. How could it be tied into his degradation of all women? So far the only answer the Lord has provided me is that my H must be angry. And it is a deep, sick, horrible, lingering anger at that 16 year old girl that is driving him to do the things he does to and with women.
And this is IF the molestation really affected him the way he claims it did. All I know for certain is that he needs the Lord and tons of therapy. And he'll only get therapy if he will agree to it. All these "ifs".
How many more times must I be degraded by his actions and lied to before my H is healed, IF he agrees to therapy and constant monitoring of his behavior?
May I ask your medical opinion of all this, Ellie? Anyone else is welcome to chime in here too with any opinion.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
I found the following on M Go Blue's thread in the MLC forum. I needed the info today. Thanks Paul.
----------------------------------------------------
Let Go, Let God
Higher Power, help me to understand.
>To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
>To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
>To let go is to admit to powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
>To let go is not to try and change or blame another, its to make the most of myself.
>To let go is not to care for but to care about.
>To let go is not to fix but to be supportive.
>To let go is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.
>To let go is not to protect, it's to permit another to face reality.
>To let go is not to deny but to accept.
>To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue but instead to search about my own shortcomings and correct them.
>To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
This message came from the book, Twelve Step Prayer Book, Second Edition.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Some more thoughts from both BMOW and her fiance on my H:
Quote: Fiance's thoughts: Granted I am not an expert but have worked in helping with several women that were victims of sexual predators. I have personal connections with multiple victims so it means a lot to me. I hate seeing a woman victimized. It infuriates me into almost a blind rage.
Your H is a player. Plain and simple. He enjoys the pursuit of the women and what it is going to take to get what he wants from each one. There is an arrogance in being a gifted writer and speaker...with that comes a bit of game in seeing what you can do with this talent.
Swooning women is a big thing. It's not only an ego trip, but a rush... Looking for the chinks in a woman's armor to gain that one little toe hold that will allow you to gain your prize.
Being able to read in a woman's response (either in person or e-mail or on the phone) what it is she desires, troubles her, needs.... A big key in all of this is being a good listener and being able to pick up on information to gain access to the woman. Is her husband verbally abusive, how often do they have sex, does she read books, is she more into tv, all things a person would look for in catching his prey.
My thoughts are that your H got married to his first W...Realized she was not the "arm charm" he wanted to be with...so he went looking for a pretty girl--you. Young, Slim, girl visually appealing to him in what he desires to be known as having at home. Realize this is a "VISUAL" thing he wants. I think he is driven by nice shiny objects....unfortunately I think you are one of those pretty toys.
But just like a spoiled child once they get the thing they covet....they usually shelve it but enjoy being able to tell people that they HAVE IT.
Now...why BBW's (Big Beautiful Women)....? They are easy prey. Skinny good looking women are the thrill of the chase...VERY hard to get...a status symbol thing....usually skinny women have their choice of the men they are with...and can demand higher standards and put up with a lot less crap because the guy does not want to upset them for fear they will leave to find someone else.
Big women have problems usually....most are married multiple times...broken hearted....not the queen of the ball...and willing to do anything sexually or of any other fetish to catch and keep hold of a man. They will look the other way at other women calling or possible threats for fear they will lose the man. BBW are or tend to be very wild childs in bed.
In the Swing lifestyle...you will find more large women that you will skinny and if you talk to them there are very few that actually want to be in the lifestyle but are doing it out of pressure from their significant other.
As for your H's problem... I think he started as a teen with a mass hormone rage....that fueled his hunger for physical contact and sex. As time has gone on that appetite has grown. It's a progressivly expanding thing and not something that can be reversed with any degree of simplicity. If it can at all. You want more and more till it is almost all you think about all day...you start looking at every woman that comes into your sights as a potential sexual encounter...doesn't matter size, race, age.... Just fulfilling the hunger that burns in your gut.
You can try masturbation and you end up doing that 10-20 times a day... (That is not an exaggeration). You lay in wait for that next sexual encounter...who will it be with, where will it be, what will she do... You start surfing porn sites and that helps some....webcam shows are a bit better because you get the person actually doing something for you on the cam...something personal....and she's watching you.
And once again you get to practice your writing in trying to seduce her on cam...get her to do those naughty things no one else will while you masturbate. Then you start meeting the women you talk with online....and having encounters with them....then you start having three ways (multiple women)...then orgies (men and women)...people around you all exhibiting the same behavior...accepting you as one of their own...
Then you go back to your wife at home. And she just is not as exciting as having sex with many women at once. Maybe she's not willing to do those things the other women are (anal, multiple partners, whips, bondage, role playing, etc). So he is not stimulated in the least by his wife at home because there is no way she can even compare or play in the same league as the excitement and thrill that is accompanied by the hidden life he is carrying on.
Oh he will have sex with the wife to cover up what is going on in his hidden life but it will be few and far between times and he will come up with excuses as to why he cannot perform...stress...sickness...sore muscles....too tired.... And when they do have sex it will be short and sweet and he will rush to make her orgasm and pretend like it was the world for him...totally exhausted afterwards...but it is all a ploy as he is only thinking of one thing while having sex with her....the trysts he has had in the past and those to come in the future.
Can your H be cured? The good Lord can cure anyone....but unfortunately with free will one has to want to genuinely be cured. And truthfully LG, I do not think you will ever get him to accept there is a problem and I do not think you will ever be able to quench his hunger for sex. And it is not going to get any better unfortunately.
To summarize, the hunger is what drives him and has taken control of his life so that everything else around him get's neglected and falls apart. He doesn't appear to have the will or the desire to stop it.
Quote: BMOW's thoughts: I have to say that there are only some points that I agree with my fiance on.. I believe that he is accurate when he says that your H is a player and that he likes collecting things... his fly tying closet and wood shop are also examples of this. He has all the shiny toys.. a fly tying closet that puts some of the fly shops to shame here in the metroplex, but how many things has he actually constructed? How many flies has he actually tied, how many times has he even been fly fishing?
It's the chase and the thrill of having the posessions. He would tell me the all the time the story of chasing you and how difficult you were to catch. That you tormented him for months and months not sleeping with him. He was going to have you one way or another. After you left he would tell me that he just couldn't give up on your marriage and that you had put him through so much to get you and that he abandoned and left his children for you... it was as if he felt that all the sacrifice and effort he put into chasing you made it impossible for him to imagine not getting his prize so to speak...
But to try and answer one of your questions... I do think that this behavior stems from a root issue, and I believe that issue to be a lack of self esteem and self confidence at the core of who he really is.... He sorta had a breakdown with me on the phone once and told me that deep down he was never going to amount to much more than being a punk kid from the streets of South Texas.
I think that if he were to be totally honest about how he feels about himself, he'd say that overall he see's himself as a failure. He has 1 failed marriage, another failing... numerous affairs. I don't think he's reached the heights in his career that he thinks he should have. I know that he feels inadequate as a father and he is obsessed with his financial status and always looking for that "pot of gold".
He also told me once that he would have nightmares about not being able to take care of his family the way he thinks he should. I believe that he has expectations of himself that are unrealistic and unreasonable. He blames himself for his father's death, he told me once that he felt like he should have done more research sooner, paid more attention when he had the chance to get more involved with his father's treatement. I think he holds himself responsible for everyone else's happiness and when he believes he fails it's just one more proof to him that he is inadequate as a man.
I also believe that the sexual prowess stems from a need to control the things in his life that he can control through manipulation. It's like a drug addict that needs a fix.. he needs an ego boost because of all the short comings he believes he has. The high is short lived though and like any addict, he is looking for the next bigger and better high. (Fiance disagrees with me here, he thinks that he uses all of these perceived short comings as justification for the behavior so that he can psych himself into believing that it's ok. He and I will have to agree to disagree on this point, LOL).
I just think that there is something underlying all of this, he knows what he's doing is wrong but he can't or won't stop doing it... that's the real question, why can't he or won't he just stop??
I do think that my fiance is accurate in his portrayal of the pattern that your H is in. I think that he has himself so jacked up sexually I can't imagine what it would take at this point in his life to satisfy his appetite. I don't even believe that his sexual desires are physically driven, I think it's all a mind game at this point.
As far as trusting him again, I don't think I would ever trust him again. Heck, I have issues trusting others because of my experience with him and other betrayals. You have to consider if you really want to live your life watching his every move wondering when and if it's going to happen again. And then what if it does? Have you wasted more of your time? I have to agree with my fiance that the odds of him really doing the work to stop all of this is pretty slim.
I never specifically discussed your H's behaviors with my therapist, it was more about figuring out how I ever got to the point in my life that I allowed that to happen and to recognize behaviors and feelings within myself that I needed to be addressed and work on.
From my therapist's perspective, I think she would believe that he was just a lonely married man that was in the same situation that I was in ... honestly until I met my fiance, it never occurred to me that your H's feelings for me weren't real or that he had "played" me so to speak. I really believed all the lies and everything that he had told me. It's only been since you and I have started talking that the reality of it all has hit me square in the face that it was all lies.
Just keep your faith strong and in front of you... it is what is going to get you through all of this. Whatever the outcome, you will be stronger for it all and there is a greater purpose that we just may not be privy to at the moment... You are in our thoughts and prayers, please try and rest and remember to nurture youself... you deserve that.
Talk soon, BMOW and Fiance
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
LG - I just don't know that I see much useful information in this last communication. All their amateur psychoanalysis of your H seems a little suspect to me- especially since her fiance seems so weirdly invested in his role as white knight and rescuer, and BMOW seems pretty happy to blame all her problems on your H now that he has rejected her (I mean honestly, he met her on a swingers website and he WASN'T the first guy she met there!).
Let's try to ferret out any useful pieces, okay? - this issue of H being "molested" at 14. Did he ever tell you about it? And it was by a 16 year old female babysitter? While yes, there are some situations in which this could be abuse - it seems more likely that it was sexual experimentation by two teens close in age. After all, what kind of threat or coercion could a 16 yr old girl have used against a 14 yr old boy?
- H feeling inadequate about his role as provider - okay, probably a factor in many mid-life affairs - feelings of inadequacy leading to finding a "lesser" person who would look up to them. But frankly, this might explain AN affair but probably not the multiple casual encounters described
- a fetish for BBW - yes, some people take advantage of them because they are easy prey - others have a genuine fetish for them. I suppose if the 16 yr old babysitter was fat, that could have been the start of a fetish, since early sexual encounters leave a strong imprint. If so, though, I'm surprised he wasn't trying to "fatten you up" during the marriage. This could all just be a line he sold BMOW so he could keep sleeping with her. Who knows?
- To me, all that seems clear or useful out of these communications is A) that he met her and others on the website - you already knew that is where they met, so this is no big surprise. B) that he told her he'd been sleeping with prostitutes etc. as far back as the 90s - possibly true, since I'm not sure what he would have gained by telling her that. IF he told her that.
And these two pieces of info tell you that your H has some kind of problem (maybe sexual addiction, maybe he's just a sociopath, maybe he's just a jerk) - and that his problem puts you at serious risk for STDs.
Now it's up to you to decide what it would take for you to be comfortable in this relationship (complete transparency? H confesses everything and gets intensive counseling for at least a year, with you welcome in occasional counseling sessions? Lets you install a keystroke logger on his computer so you can monitor?).
Or decide if none of that would ever bring you to a point where you could be comfortable again.
Either way, I'm not sure BMOW and her weird fiance should play any more role in your life. They creep me out.
They creep me out, somewhat too! Why would a mistress want to keep in contact with the betrayed wife? What could she possibly gain from this? It's almost as if she's trying to excuse her behaviour. Has she ever asked you for forgiveness for her part in the betrayal? To my way of thinking, she knew exactly what she was doing, getting involved with a married man, and from a site such as that.
If it were me, and my H's ex-OW had the gall to contact me with such personal info, I would, firstly be suspicious (from whence it comes, and all that), and secondly, tell her exactly what she can do with all that information.
It is clear that you are very aware (without this woman's input) of the fact that your H is in great need of professional help, whether you decide to stay with him or not.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
STOP! I skimmed over most of the posts in this thread and that is the first and most important thing that comes to mind.
Did you ever pick up a copy of C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape letters"? Satan is devious and manipulative - never forget that.
In my quick scan, I didn't see any information based on CURRENT EVENTS. This is all new information on PAST HISTORY.
Yes, it is disturbing, awful information, and you should definitely define your boundaries and action plans based on the full story, but be careful not to treat these ADDITIONAL DETAILS as NEW EVENTS.
My W takes past history and relives it as if it just happened all the time, just yesterday in fact. Years ago she got into a "call the police" argument with the neighbors. Last week the neighbor gave W an unfriendly look at the grocery store, and yesterday W was reliving the entire experience as if it had just happened.
LG, there is nothing "new" in these posts. STOP! I'm sure there are plenty of things that do and should bother you that you are just now finding out about. But did they happen since you moved back in?
You do still want a M with H. Is your faith in God strong enough to ask God to move your H's mountain? Keep faith, and "perhaps God will change [your H's] heart".
You are strong LG, and our God is stronger than anything we will face, but I think you should focus on H, and let someone else witness to BMOW and Finance and do what you want H to do with the business. STOP - end all interaction and information gathering. If you need to go a little bit farther - April 15 is a good day to start deleting, throwing away, or forwarding without reading everything to do with H's old life, unless H brings it up to deal with.
Hi LG, I just thought I'd throw my 1/2 cents worth in here. I've read your thread and read it. It's awful stuff, to be sure, but as the last poster said, it isnt about anything that has just happened, and I keep asking myself "what is bmow/fiance getting out of sharing this with you? I come up with only one answer: the chance to "get even"/make trouble by upsetting you. I ask myself a lot these days regarding the ow in my own sitch, and come up with that answer a lot.
I suppose another possible answer would be to ease her guilt feelings, but that doesnt explain why the fiance is jumping in there. Just a thought.
Another thought though: If she's doing this to make trouble, do you suppose what she's telling you is entirely accurate????? I just can't see that she's intending anything good for you by telling you this. IMHO
I want to thank those of you who have commented and shown your concern for me.
I have been away from the DB BB for a bit due to the situation escalating here. I have met with both my counselor and pastor. Yesterday, my H tried to manipulate me through my faith by placing on the kitchen table a huge wall hanging I have that has the scripture from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8--Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude,...etc.,...Love never fails.
My pastor and counselor had both advised me to not confront him alone about his sexual behavior because they feared for me and I had agreed. But when I discovered the wall hanging on the table, purposely left there by my H, I erupted in a firestorm of righteous anger. My H was at work, fortunately for him, so I sent him an email and copied it to ALL his active email accounts--both legit and those set-up for his sex activities. This is the exchange we had:
Quote: I wrote to my H:You don't know the first thing about love, committment, or how to cherish. You make me ill!!
Don't you DARE use my faith and love of the Lord to try to manipulate me!!!.
My H responded:I am sorry LG - it was not meant to appear as manipulation. It was concern over this extreme anger. I don't know what it is that you found that has caused all this or if someone sent you something, but whatever it is, it is from the past. Since I began taking ADs last March and since I asked you back, I have done nothing that would dishonor you, our marriage or your faith.
I know you think you cannot believe that, but it is true. There has been no contact with anyone you don't know about, no infidelity, no anything. I called your pastor the other day and I took responsibility for your pain and anger. I made sure he understood that. There was no attempt to blame you for anything or to make you appear less in the eyes of your congregation, only worry that whatever I have done has set back your your spiritual growth and development.
When I talk to my family I take responsibility as well. They know that I was unfaithful in the past and not a good husband. You are not the same person you were and this setback, past or not, is wholly my fault. I am not the same person either, in part because of you and your example. I do not blame you for how you feel, I am only so very sorry that I am the cause of it and worry extremely that your anger will blind you to your path.
Anger and resentment has always been your enemy and to know that I have somehow set this off again is devastating to me. But if I try and behave normally and if I go about my life as normal, it is because I have tried to be a different person since last March and know that nothing in my life since then could possibly have caused so violent a reaction in you.
I cannot change the past, but I can change the future and have been doing so ever since last year. I know my presence is odious to you. All I can say at this point is that when we went to the marriage retreat in July and reconfirmed our vows, I really meant it and have lived that way.
To have my past rear up and destroy your faith in me is heartbreaking, but I have no one to blame but myself. If I have avoided talking to you about this, it was because I did not want my innermost thoughts posted on the Internet for the world to read. Now I don't mind. If you want to post this so that my motives and thoughts can be examined by people who are skeptical of them, that will allow me to try and answer the criticisms.
Maybe I can't, but I will sincerely try. If your congregation thinks I am trying to manipulate you, I will be answerable to them. I had hoped that my behavior over the past year had been a proof to you that I was not the person from the past. He will never come back, but his behavior is certain to haunt me the rest of my life.
I love you and always will -H
I responded: You are amazing. You are so incredibly amazing. Your whole email is full of lies and manipulation. Well, I am no longer under your thumb--I am no longer afraid of you nor of anything you think you can do to me. I am on to your games and your sickness. You need some major therapeutic help. You are now relegated in my mind to a level even lower than my mother. And that is pretty low. I thought she was the queen of manipulation, but you take the cake! I crown you king. I'm sure that will give you some sort of sicko joy to read that, too.
Your past remains your present. And I am warning you--if I EVER see that notebook computer again with it's filthy pictures and perverse files that it contains, I am taking a hammer to it, state property or not! Don't think I will? TRY ME! I have a whole barn of tools to choose from. And yes, I had the forethought to make copies of what I saw. I can't believe that you made professional presentations from that same computer!! That is truly SICK!!
If you wish for this sham of a marriage to continue, I best be seeing you take some action to get some help for your myriad problems. If not, we shall see what we shall see.
My H responded several hours later: Well, now you know a lot of what I had tried to keep hidden. Yes, there are a lot of files on the notebook. Some of the text files I kept in case of blackmail and to prevent revisionist history, some of the files I kept because I paid for them, some I kept so that I could remember how low I sank. Some, admittedly, are there because I was too lazy to erase them. But, provided the dates didn't change when you copied them, you will see that they are old. They were kept on the notebook because I thought it was the one secure spot I had, especially in case of my email accounts being broken into. I was not sitting in my recliner drooling over them, as I am sure you are imagining.
Now you know the darkest secrets of my life. It has been the bane of my existence and my own personal devil to wrestle with. Addictions can take different forms and this was mine. The only change that ever occurred in me began when I started taking the anti-depressants. It cuts deeply into the problem, so deeply that I was able to give you control of all the finances. Although you did not know this part of it, it was my way of forcing some accountability on myself, to help prevent relapses. If you can believe nothing else, you can believe that because you can see it. You can see everything that I do and know what I spend and where. The addiction cannot be fed without finances. It is one reason I do not want to be on your credit cards. When I told you to start dumping the porno tapes, that was another first. The reason there are so many there is because the addiction does not let me part with anything, even if I do not use it. There is always the 'what if I want it again' question in the back of my mind. Maybe that is not part of the addiction, maybe that is just me.
If I did not seek help, it was because I didn't think I needed any, but I suppose any addict will tell you that. I felt I was slowly beating the problem and that, given the progress over the last year, that I would be able finish with it all secretly, with no one the wiser.
I am sorry that you think that I am so sick that I have made a sham of our marriage and disrespected you. In my mind and in my heart I did not feel this. When I said I had done nothing since last March, I meant it and it is true. I have not fed the addiction or allowed it to take control over me. However, I did not admit an addiction. Nor have I ever before. Yes, I will certainly seek help.
You can pick the counselor and come or not as you choose, or if you prefer I will do all that and have reports sent to you. Even though you do not believe it, the last few months of our marriage have been some of the best of my life. It has been the first time as an adult that I ever had a woman so devoted to me. Your faith really has been an asset to me and I admit that one of the reasons my own faith has not been restored is because of the fear in the back of my mind that I would have to change too soon. I ran into this paradox once before, when I was 14, and it was very unpleasant and is one reason I still shy away from religion.
I will try to prove to you that I am worth salvaging and that I have come a long way (I think) even on my own. The hardest part of this is to have lost all your respect, which has always mattered to me, to have made you think that I am a drooling lunatic and that this superseded my regard for our marriage. If there is any way I can prove that is not true, I will certainly do my best. If your regard for me is so damaged that you think you will never feel the same about me and do not want a rehabilitated pervert as a husband, I will understand.
As I said, I am not trying to duck any responsibility here. My love for you is real. Part of the reason I ended up on the floor last year broken down was that I was trying to reconcile love and the addiction. With you gone, the addiction got free reign. But it is incompatible with love. Fortunately, love is the stronger emotion and the ADs provided the leverage I needed to start moving, slowly I admit, off dead center. Once I had picked up enough momentum, I also picked up the phone. I hate to contemplate what I would have become if the love was not there.
And truly, the only reason we ever stopped having sex was because of the lichen planus. It was unfortunate that the kidney stones followed on the heels of the diagnosis, as I have been afraid to use to the equipment since. It had nothing to do with the addiction, although I admit that I have had trouble with sex this year because of it. If you remember, the last time we made love I performed poorly. It was because, since the antidepressants are clearing my viewpoint, that I had trouble reconciling love and sex. They have been different in my mind all my life - you know this since I have said as much. Now, however, I can logically see one as the extension of the other, a viewpoint I rejected before.
Emotionally dealing with this is another story, that the sex was part of the addiction and I did not want you affiliated with that. It has been hard to cope with and now that I think of it, that point alone should have been enough to get me to therapy. I apologize for that.
I guess the more I write the more comes pouring out here and I need to put a cork in it. I feel deep embarrassment and shame. At least I know what it is that has made you so angry. Having your anger and disdain wash over me is unbearable. I am so sorry to have caused you this pain. And even though you don't want to hear it, I do love you.
I replied: You'd best be calling the counselor then and make an appointment for both of us. We will start with that. I am developing a list of demands that I will expect you to follow to a "T".
The VERY FIRST misstep, I am exposing your sins to the world and we are through, and that is NOT a threat. It will become your dark reality. I hope that provides you some motivation to begin to honestly address your problems.
I will be with you at your side every step of the way. All I ask is for your honesty and cooperation--absolutely no more hiding ANYTHING--it is confession time. And it is about time for you to learn about the scripture that YOU left on the table for ME.
My H responded: The real threat is losing your love. The rest is nothing. Please believe that. We have an appointment with the counselor on Wednesday the 16th at 5 - that was her earliest appointment. I will try other counselors to get in sooner if you like, but am content to wait on this one if you are.
Thank you so much for that last paragraph, that you will be with me. I will be honest with you, but I have to tell you LG, it is not pretty. It may be better to wait until we are in the counselor's office to discuss anything. Also, I believe I am going to need a stronger AD or an increased dosage. Please forgive me. I will be home in a little while when I recover my composure.
I love you
Before my H came home, I found my Bible that is written for admitted and recovering addicts and told him that he needed to begin reading it and to start with the book of John and address the 12 steps to recovery. I left it on the kitchen table for him to find and I left the house for awhile.
When I came home, he had been out in his shop. He came in the house and made the totally inappropriate comment to me, "You better watch out, there is a pervert in the house!"
That was it. I lost it, I am ashamed to say. I tore into him. I said, "What did I hear you say?" He mumbled something. I moved toward him and I screamed, "H!! This is not a joke! This is NO laughing matter!! You have a problem..." and went from there.
I have never in our marriage responded in that manner to my H. I had some righteous anger and I let him have it. He was shocked!!
The following is the beginning of him starting to address his sickness and addiction. He was up most of the night reading the Bible, thinking and putting his thoughts on paper. I am still seeing many problems with his words, but I believe we have started on the true road to healing finally. My H asked me to comment on his words below. If you readers have anything to point out to me, please feel to do so.
Quote: ------------- PEOPLE I HAVE HURT -------------------- LG My first wife BMOW My son My daughter My Momma My middle brother My youngest brother My Aunt
These are all the people who have loved me. All have suffered terribly because of my actions. If these people are happy now, it is in spite of me, not because I made them happy.
---------------------------------- A FAULT LIST, MY MORAL INVENTORY ----------------------------------
I have no moral compass. I lie to protect my stability rather than to face consequences. I have a fear of telling the truth when it hurts. I am manipulative, I bend situations in my favor. I feel the basic good in me is enough, I do not strive to be better or fix what is bad. I am lazy to a fault. I am judgemental. I am not willing to do a self-analysis and face the facts, which indicates cowardice. I am afraid of Christianity, I am a spiritual cripple and I hide behind my profession. I do just enough to regain a feeling of comfort in my life and relationships and then I stop. I do things for show, rather than depth. My ego defeats my humility.
-------------------------- AM I A SEXUAL PREDATOR? AM I MENTALLY ILL? DID I RUIN KENYA'S LIFE? DID I RUIN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ON MY LIST? ----------------------------------------------------
THE TWELVE STEPS TO A RECOVERED LIFE
1.) ADMIT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER MY DEPENDENCIES AND THAT LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE> This is very hard for me...am I really powerless? I was but am I now? The track record since March a year ago is good, only minor slip ups. Check the fault list, there are a ton of problems. If I were really in charge, why is this list so long? But how many of these are due to lack of power? Ego again...all of them.
2.) THERE IS A POWER GREATER THAN ME THAT CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY> If there is not, then I am lost. Why can't I see it, why can I not clear that last hurdle? It is not like I am not open or not looking. Maybe I only think I am. What is the truth? I hide that even from myself sometimes. The truth is, deep down, I believe. The problem is, I am trying to justify the belief. Why do I have to do that? Because I am not sure what I believe in--only that I believe. The real crux of the matter is: do I believe in Christ and accept the Biblical version of events? I want to so badly, but that is not enough. Again, what is the truth? The truth is, I have not reached that goal. The truth is, I am not trying hard enough. Without an honest effort, how can I expect an honest reponse. Laziness, again.
3.) I MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO TURN MY LIFE OVER TO GOD> This is such an easy way to take a cop out. How many times have I laughed at all the silly politicos and businessmen who got caught with their pants down who suddenly "Found Jesus!" It is a mistake to let my opinion about them matter. What matters is sincerity. Can I achieve this? Can I achieve this in the right frame of mind? This is personal between myself and God. I have admitted that I believe. I can do this, but I have to do it the right way. I guess that means it really isn't an easy way out. There are rules and expectations and requirements. But are they so heavy a price to pay for peace of mind that comes from knowing you are doing the right thing and are truly blameless? No, especially as I shoulder more problems and there are more expectations of me. There is more to being useful than doing well in my profession.
4.) I MADE A SEARCHING AND MORAL INVENTORY OF MYSELF> What would this have looked like even yesterday? If LG did not have the moral conviction to tear into me, would even half of that be there? Would I even be doing this? The sad answer is NO! As trite as it sounds, this may be a good thing to happen to me. The downside is the cost to LG. This is a work in progress.
5.) I HAVE ADMITTED TO GOD, MYSELF, AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF MY WRONGS> Again, a work in progress. Until tonight, I had never even considered the thought of being a sexual predator or being mentally ill. But I will find out if I am, and if so admit it. I do admit the wrongs caused by the faults I am sure that I have and will work to bring them into sharper focus in my mind rather than trying to bury or ignore them. I will also work to find the others I am not yet aware I have. I am scared.
6.) I AM ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER> This first involves belief. I have admitted I believe. Will I be heard if I am not baptized? Is the baptism the step where these defects become within my power to defeat? If so, then I have to come to grips with the Biblical interpretation of Jesus and truly believe it. This will be a big step. If not, then this step is reachable now.
7.) I HAVE HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE THESE SHORTCOMINGS> I am still a little confused on this step and truly need to work on the humility part. Ego again.
8.) I HAVE MADE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE HARMED AND AM WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM> My faults are not ones that hurt strangers or acquaintances. They hurt people I love or care about and who care about me. Something tells me that no matter who the addict is or what the addiction is, their list is like mine. I should not have been surprised.
9.) WE MAKE DIRECT AMENDS TO THESE PEOPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS> I will need advice here.
He only got through to step 9 before he stopped for the night. He will address the remaining steps tonight in addition to my comments on these steps. It is apparent to me that he is still in denial about a lot, but we have made a start in the right direction finally and I thank the Lord for that! HE is good, forever and ever!
LG--marveling at the 10 pounds she has lost in a week on the "New and Improved" infidelity diet
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
