Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is this really so insurmountable??

Heather,

One thought:

On your husband rolling his eyes, walking away and laughing.

I tend to do that to, from a male prespective. My WAW does get mad at me for this even though it has nothing to do with laughing at her.

It's a coping mechinism. You don't know what he's thinking, so you are ASSuming. Stop doing that. Let him roll his eyes, laugh, whatever. That's HIS reaction. It's not againist you and most likely is not even about what you think it is.

One example I can think of, WAW said I never missed her when she went on trips. I laughed. she got super po'd. I laughed because the statement was utterly silly. I did miss her, I just didn't show it the way she expected. I wasn't laughing at her or about missing her, but about the statement she made.

Another is male tend to walk away to 'process' and think. Let him. Don't chase him or take offense. See _Men are from Mars, women are from Venus_ for a better explanation.

IMHO. I hope this helps.

I have to disagree with some of your comments Ohio. Hitting me could also be considered HIS reaction, but there's nothing good or right about it. It sounds like you are well aware there is miscommunication in your relationship, but you don't seem to feel a need to fix it b/c you'd rather focus on the idea that you are entitled to your reactions. For example, you miss your wife when she goes on trips, but you don't show it. Since you admit you don't show it in a way that she can relate to (i.e. Five Love Languages may be insightful for that situation) and I'm presuming she's not a mind reader, you should not be surprised to hear from her that she feels like you don't miss her. There shouldn't be anything funny about that and it's not silly. When your partner opens up their heart to you, laughing or rolling your eyes is just cruel in my opinion.
I do understand that we all have coping mechanisms and sometimes we do or say things we don't mean-however OUR intentions do not matter. Trust me, it didn't matter to my H that my intentions were not to hurt him when I betrayed our marriage vows, but to fill a void within me. He does not care, as well he should not. Intentions are sometimes meaningless and loving someone means that you consider how they will react to something you are about to do or say.
I'm glad you stopped by my thread, and I'd like to hear more of your point of view. I'm not trying to shut you down, just having a healthy disagreement. Thanks.

Heather,

I have read the 5LL and now do know not showing it in 'her' way was not helping my situation. I never said I'm not working on it, just how it was.

And yes, I do react with a laugh sometimes, and it's not on purpose, it just happens, somethings are said by WAW that are said so out there, I laugh at the wording, not at her or what I could have/should have done better.

Yes, It can be fixed over time, My point was that you seem to take his reactions as a direct personal attack against you, I'd just like you to think there may be other reasons for the eye-rolling, laughing, etc.

And yes, before 5LL, I showed missing her in MY way, I didn't know any better. So how else was I was supposed to react? I knew I missed her and thought I had shown it.

As you say, that being loving in considering how you will react about what's said. You can't control him or his reactions, they are his, but you can control yours.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are the one reacting to him rolling his eyes, laughing, etc. What would you do different if he didn't roll his eye or laugh? Would a good 180 be to ignore these reactions for now?

Thanks for the input Ohio, I will try to control my reactions. For the record, I think I would have to ignore the reactions forever, not just for now. I've been with H for 12 years and he doesn't like to "talk", so he's ALWAYS been this way.

Here's a little history about me and H. We met when I was 17 and he was 18. I had sort of a troubled teenage life, didn't have good friends, was definitely headed in the wrong direction. I had 7 sexual artners, all one night stands by the time I met H, yet had never made love. H came across as arrogant at first, but I was really attracted to him, so I asked a mutual friend to tell him I'd like him to call me. He did. We became very close very fast, dated exclusively from the very beginning. I soon found that he was very controlling though. Through his intense reactions to things, he controlled the clothes and jewelry I wore, the music I listened to, where I went and who I saw. I noticed though, that the same rules didn't always apply to him. He was still able to see his friends, go to parties without me, etc. He also had a huge need to know every act I had done with these 7 other people, EVERY single detail. Every time we would have these "discussions", which was A LOT in the first few months of our R, I didn't know if I would ever see him again. He seemed disgusted and hurt by my behavior, almost as though I had cheated on him or something, when in fact, I didn't even know him. The discussions made me horribly uncomfortable and even more insecure. The only reason I continued to discuss it was because I thought he was such a good person and that perhaps his acceptance would somehow redeem me. If he could know every bad thing I had ever done and still look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, I guess I thought it would be worth the indignity.
So, I dropped all my friends, which I suppose wasn't an altogether bad thing. I stopped listening to dance music and never danced if we went out. We listened only to his music. I wasn't allowed to wear silver jewelry. The list goes on.
My point here is that I have a lot of negative feelings towards H for this, even still. I am a very strong woman now, and feel very angry that he treated me that way. He has changed over the years, no longer tries to control those things. But the price for that he says, is that he has become emotionally disconnected to me in many ways. It sort of went to the other extreme, actually. The last couple of years, the angrier I got about his drinking, the more I pulled away from him until it got to the point where I was going out every Friday night (his drinking night). He never seemed to care. Never accepted invitations to come. So, it was like it was either controlling everything or caring about nothing. And although I now wear what I want, etc., I feel that he is still had a great deal of control over me. It's almost like I am emotionally afraid of him because his reactions to things can be so intense. I do not like people to be angry with me or ignore me (which is his favorite thing to do when he's mad at me). That's a little bit about our history together. I think it's important b/c I think we were wrong for each other from the beginning. We were too young to know it though, and b/c we are very loyal people, we've just stayed together through the years, just continually adapting to the environment.