Thanks Jo (those are the first two letters of my xw's given name and what her older brother calls her). My spirits are up. I have decided that continuing to ask "why" of myself and C have merited nothing of substance and is definitely a cheeseless tunnel. I think speaking of our R to my xw at this point is a cheeseless tunnel...so is perhaps writing her another letter with commentary on her last letter to me at this point. I do need to let her know one of these days that she was not nearly the inadequate wife she thinks she was to me. For crying out loud, she turned a conversation where I let her know that some of the ways she was showing her love for me were not my love language into a proclamation that she was a failure as a wife. She has tremendous self-esteem problems and until she can address some of those, I can't revisit some of those issues with her. The facts are that her only real inadequacy as a wife was in the areas of conflict resolution and her commitment to our relationship...which came in a far second to her ideas of fulfilling her kids' needs. Granted the second one was huge, but certainly the first could be learned better and with counseling, I know we could have worked through the second, but she is just too emotionally exhausted to even try that. In the analogy of our C, apparently my xw saw our relationship as a gangrenous limb on the body of her life and amputation was her way of self-preservation. Fortunately, my boys and I are far from gangrenous! Thanks for the support Jo. I know I would be going absolutely bonkers if I were in your sitch. You are the epitome of learning and strength with regard to DBing. Carry on dear lady!
BTW, it is too late under three circumstances I am told:
1) one of you remarries,
2) one of you dies, or
3) the second coming of Christ.
JohnDad, Thanks for the reply. When I step back from everything, I admitt I would not want a relationship with her or anyone for that matter if they didnt want a relationship with me ( thats not fair to either person). I guess you could say that I want her to want to have a relationship with me. I have done everything I can think of to get her to want me back.
Hi Martha. Thanks for dropping by. I had a real tough time last week. I took a good bit of time and read some of the other threads in this particular forum and I got all sick all over again. I missed my wife terribly...perhaps the worst since she left. I miss her emotionally more than anything else. All I wanted was to be loved and respected by her...well, mostly that. I did get sick and tired of the overboard over-indulgence of her daughter, but that I could tolerate. It was the passive-aggressive anti-John's family stuff from this girl that really bothered me. On top of that, her mother just became totally obsessed with over-indulging and over-protecting this 20 year old princess. My xw (her mother) certainly began to perceive that anything I said about her that was not glowingly positive and adoring or highly complimentary was an attack on her, that I was constantly picking on her. This was not true, but I see how she interpreted it that way with her daughter's help by complaining about it all the time. Anyhow, I still want my wife back, I am not dating, I don't want to date and in fact if the opportunity came my way for at least some physical attention from a ravishing vixen, I don't think I could even perform. I want my wife back. Plain and simple, I want to work on the R with her. I am considering writing her a letter addressing some of the perceptions she wrote about in her letter she sent in reply to mine asking about her helping the boys cope. That letter from me to her helped pretty much only on the following weekend.
Yesterday at church, xw gave the boys a very casual "hi" and didn't make much effort at engaging either of them in conversation even though one of them sat right beside her in youth group Sunday School. They were upset about it, but after I spoke with them, it was obvious that at least the older one is not really giving her much of an opening to have a conversation with her as he just strode by her when she said hi. I talked at length yesterday with them regarding them deciding what kind of R they wanted with her and if they wanted something, then being closed to it was not going to get them what they want. It is tough to orchestrate the behavior of three individuals working at the pre-teen mindset...especially when one is 46 years old. We skipped worship service because they were upset. I have mixed feelings in that I am scared to have her vent on me again like she did last fall, I want to rebuild our R and M, I really don't want to see her because it stirs up feelings. I am pretty sure we still love each other, but then again, she abandoned a M because she felt...well, I just have never gotten a solid answer from her on that. I know she has obsessive/compulsive tendancies and from what I have read about it, when those get large enough in your life to alter your behavior, then it is really a disorder. People with this apparently get really strongly upset when regular life changes for them, especially their daily routines. So, I think the transition of trying to blend a family coupled with older ones growing up, going to college, moving away...well, maybe it was just too much change at one time for her to handle emotionally. I know her obsession with trying to compensate her daughter for all the circumstances in her life that weren't perfect was practically overwhelming her last spring. There are some other things in the background that I am less clear about. A little over a year ago, something happened and my wife started to quit on the R. I don't know if it was an argument, a discussion about her son's college graduation 1200 miles away and that trip (which my sons and I were NOT invited to) which didn't go very well and I found out later she harbored strong feelings of ill-will against me for, my son's wedding, or if it was something else or all of it wrapped together. Maybe it was the custody trial from the previous year. I just don't know. All I know is that she never said she didn't love me or anything like that. All I have really gotten is "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love my kids enough." In short, my mental state is "this sucks."
I understand how you must feel -- you know I've been struggling with my own PMA off and on the past several weeks. So, I ask, what are you doing for yourself these days? How are you showing yourself that you love yourself? (Go back to my thread and read what I posted on loving oneself if you need a reminder! )
Quote: I am considering writing her a letter addressing some of the perceptions she wrote about in her letter she sent in reply to mine asking about her helping the boys cope. That letter from me to her helped pretty much only on the following weekend.
Before you write that letter, perhaps now would be a good time for you to consider your entire DR journey, in retrospect, and see if you can start analyzing what has worked and what has not.
Your second paragraph in this post tells me two things:
You are armchair QBing your wife's psychology -- KNOCK IT OFF! Unless you have a degree in Psych yourself, stop it. And even if you do? Stop it.
You are entirely too focused on your W and not focusing on yourself at all. What's going on with your career these days? Have you taken a class lately? Have you learned something new? If you need some ideas, give me a holler and I'd be happy to help you ferret out some ideas.
Now, get your mental state off your W so you can get out of that "this sucks" frame of mind, okay, bud?
I hope I'm not sounding too harsh here, but there have been times when you have called me to task, and I greatly appreciated it (retrospectively speaking ), so now I'm returning the favor. Forest for the trees, dude...forest for the trees.
<John drags himself upright after the major smacking to the cheek by Martha>
Thank you my dear. I do need to work more at GAL. I know a couple things I can do as well as some work things I really need to put a ball of fire under.
As for the arm-chair QBing of xw's psychological status...hard to do because I want to understand her. Of course, she is not giving any answers, and I have no indication whatsoever she even wants to be friends any more. I have lost my best friend. I would like to at least know why...what caused it? Can I know at least so I don't repeat the same mistakes again if there is a next time? Okay, my PMA is better, but this still sucks.
Martha, thanks for the flogging as I needed it and deserved it. You are absolutely right about over-focussing on HER. Heck, she even told me twice (has to be true then, right?) that it was HER ISSUES! What do I need? Koshka's 2X4 from God? I guess I really am an idiot a lot of the time...especially when it comes to relationships. Oh, and by the way, numerous retrospective analyses of my DB activities showed that nothing worked...not that was even an irrefutable baby step. That kind tells how it is doesn't it?
A much belated thank you for your response. I guess I have improved a lot on my PMA and come full circle to being a little depressed. My xw practically ignores my sons. I don't do anything with her 15 year old son, but he is a loner and there certainly has been no indication he wants anything to do with us...possibly out of deference to his mother's indifference to me and my sons. I have not seen my xw in nearly 3 months now. I have to send her a check for an agreed upon portion of my tax refund and I am thinking of writing her a letter with the check since I have not had any communication with her at all since mid-February. I just don't know what to do. I have no indications that she wants to communicate and I was the last to write between us. I feel very odd about expressing to her that I hope she is happy...I know I am not. I am coping, healing some, but definitely not happy.
No, you aren't an idiot when it comes to R's. You're confused and hurt and struggling, just likt the rest of us.
RE: your stepson -- have you thought about contacting him to see if he'd like to go do something with you and your sons? After all, you are the adult in that R. If R's are left up to teenagers, nothing would ever happen.
If you are so inclined to include a letter to your xw with the check, I would encourage you to keep it light, funny, short, engaging. Remember -- NO R TALK! You don't even have to talk about her. Share a joke you've heard recently, or mention something fun you've done, but not with too many details. Light and fun. Period.
So, what have you done for yourself lately?
And since you seem to think nothing you've tried has worked, I would ask you to consider some 180's. What are things that did not work during your M that you could do a 180 on with your xw?
Thanks Martha. The only 180 that I have done with respect to our M is going dark. Of course, we enjoyed daily contact during work hours before with emails, phone calls. After she left, she wouldn't respond to emails any more and that last time I spoke on the phone with her, she hung up on me. So I don't email or call her any more unless I have to which has not been an email since Feb. or a phone call since November. Going dark leaves little opportunity to show an 180s. I was a very supportive and doting husband...at least of my wife. I have even extended myself significantly on behalf of her daughter and my W's response at that time was to file for D two days later.
Yes, I am struggling. I go in and out of confusion. I have finally remembered that it is really all about her and until she gets that straightened out, the message is very clear she can't handle the complication in her life that my sons and I present for her. Truly very, very sad indeed.
Well, on May 6 I emailed her to tell her about a credit card account and that I would put a check in the mail for her share of the income tax refunds that I agreed to give her. She responded within 20 minutes...the fastest she has ever responded to an email since she left. Her email was pleasant, but not anything really more than that. So I finally wrote her a letter that I had wanted to write her in response to her letter of the end of Jan. I responded to a lot of her assertions about our R in a very loving, supportive and complimentary way. I had no anger in my letter, no accusations, no negativity at all. The check cleared the bank two days after she received it and I have heard nothing...not even a thank you. I did write that if she ever thought that all the positives in our R/M were worth trying to build something new around to please let me know. She continues to blow off my sons at church. I guess the stuff she wrote the end of Jan. about working at regularly letting them know she cared about them was total BS...or that she can't follow through on it for some reason. All of this continues to be so junior high in nature and our MC/my C whom I am still seeing says I should not be surprised as her actions have been rather immature through the whole thing. Oh well...
) 
