Hi Andrea - There was excellent advise from Ellie - go out even if for a walk by yourself, make him wonder. I'm sorry I don't know anything about spy programs, Nevanna was good with computers as i recall, will post on her thread.
Its been a while without posting here... maybe bc lost of hopes... maybe bc impotence... maybe maybe... but yes... let post again bc you are so great you have the right to know how i am and you had done a lot for me and still can do a lot... at least that is what i think Since that last talk, hm saying not wanting a divorce, many things had ocurred... at first he chamged a little, trying to be more affective, but not intimate or passionate... but at the same time thinking only in himself, in what he wants to do, if he wants to fly with his partner, he goes... no matter what andrea and children wants to do on saturday... if he wants to stay out with friends drinking something, he goes... no matter if andrea is alone and wanting to go out too and with him..! Mostly thas happens, the drinking nights, on wednesday (when he gets early, at 10:00pm) or thursday. But last thursday i had a baby shower of a cousin... and was his sister birthday... so, when i told him to left children to his mom home so i can meet them there after my baby shower he said: Ok, but i will go after that to a meeting (a birthday) and then i am going to drink something with XXX (a divorce friend)... as he didnt invie me i said: Are you going to get late?... so, i will do some plans... Well, i dont know, not too late, but... And i said... i only wants to do something with you... and he said... yes, but i had this plans already... (lets say it was in a considerate mode). So, he left children on his mother home, i went to baby shower... and drinks not get well on me (i know i cant drink when my enstruation is near and my mood is totally down). I had no problem looking for kids on my MIL home... i stay there for a while, but after getting home i served myself another scotch Of course i got drunk and my children received a lot of my nasty behavior My oldest D sent dad a cell message saying: i am nervous,.. mom is drunk...!!... I got slept, and the morning after my h left children to school and i stat sleeping. That night he didnt say a word, he went to a friend house and when he arrives he said me: Yesterday was awfull, you drank a lot and tour D was nervous... and sent me a message... i said... yes, i cant drink when i feel lonely and sad and i will talk to my D bc althpugh i drank a lot, there wasnt nothing to worry and to send you a message... On saturday he went flying with his partner... when he arrived i was slept in my baby girl bed.. Sunday was mom day so we celebrate it with my familly... when we arrived, my D saw me crying in my closet and asked me... why are you crying? and i said, nothing, is nothing... so she got mad saying i never explain her... and went out lying on the sofa... I followed her, and began to speak with her telling her i was feeling so lonely and sad bc dad and mom has problems... and bc of that the other night i got drunk bc scoth didnt fit me well being in that mood... She reacts against his father and went to our room tellling him... I hate you bc making feel mom so sad... and return to me... i told her not to hate dad... that dad loves her too much and that this wer our problems and both will loves her always, being together ot not... she said we used to fight a lot and that she prefered we separate... i told her thats not true and that only us can know what can be the best for both... that whatever decission we take we will alwyays be there for her, loving her... and ask her to go daddy room and forgive and say him she loves her too much... So, she did that and they stayed a while talking. The next morning, i ask my h to talk... and began saying "I think we need to separate. i am feeling terrible and children too"... so he said... i dont want to separate, i am only mad bc you drink too much last day... yes... i drank but i got nuts bc my depression, my sadness and bc i feel so lonely... Ok, so you can justify always your bad actions... he said.... No, i am not saying it is good to get drunk, i am only exaplianing why the scotch makes me nuts and why i cant drink feeeling this way...!. After that he began talking and talking, again about him wanting to be with his FAMILLY (he never says with me) for ehr est of his life, but that i left always desodorant open, i drink always a lot (so, how much i asked... maybe this episode had occurred two time since january, and since this turmoil began).. he said that wasnt all the cause he doesnt feel well with M, but that counts... I told him always will be something bad on me for not loving me... what can counts a desodorant (that my D left open not me), a pounds more or less, (i am thinner, but he dreams me skeletic)... he repeat the same and the same... that he didnt wants to divorce... that maybe we will divorce, but that he doesnt wants to take that decission right now, that he wants to think, to left time pass and see... So, he left home, say by with a kiss... and nothing more... That day he arrived so early looking for girl chldren and do the market... the next day he again arrived early... That was on tuesday... i think bc menstruation, i feel terrible depressed... at 12:00pm i told him (he was slept) i cant sleep... and began crying and saying again i am feeling so lonely and sad... and that i dont know if separate will be the best for us... he only hear (i know he was hearing) i cry, and cry... finally i got slept... On wednesday morning he wake me up a little affective bc children neds to go to school... i got up, dressed, and he called me... hey, come here... and hug me making me affections and me crying again... We went together to my S soccer play, and on the road he received a phone call fron one of his friends he use to get out... he tol him "Lets see at what time i get out of the play and maybe we can drink something (i dont know if that maybe was with or without me but at least he told me was XXX and that depending on time he calld him to drink something (maybe both, he and me... maybe he was hinking on him alone)... Bc soccer game last a lot, we arrived home late, and he called friends to say he will stay at home... Again, last night i cant sleep... was 1:00AM and i cant close my eyes, thinking and thinking, so i asked him to give me some of his pills bc i cant sleep... he gaved it to me... This morning, when he waked me up, i asked him to left children to school bc i didnt sleep (the pill didnt make too much effect).. he answered he cant bc he has too much work and need to get early to the park for running... so i waked up, left children, went to my gym... and when i was arriving, he was lefting to his office and asked me... Hey...Why cant you sleeep?... and i answered... "Bc i dont feel well"... and the pill, didnt serve?... No, it didnt...!!... by, by... So, thats my situation right now... i now period makes me feel more terrible than i feel, but at the same time i know hormones only are arousing sadness and depressions i retain inside of myself... i dont know what to do... i want myM, but not this one... he wants time... and time... and time... only thinking in himself... in what he likes to do, to say, to express.... The good point of all this days is that i began my GYM again and i feel so happy bc that... I am also working on my projects... and gpoing to my novel literature class... Tonight i have two invitations from women friends to get out and i will go.... so... lets hope i will feel better tomorrow... I will appreciate your comments... i dont know what to do... i dont know if i am pressure him, but... What about me?... who cares about my sadness and loneliness...?... he always say his ideal is to be with his familly for ever... but We dont need to work just to get that ideal?, how is he thinking to get that ideal?... i also thpought to asked him going to a therapist together as an ultimatum, or got separate... i dont know I will stay around Andrea
Hi Andrea - Its good to see you have confidence again to post. Sorry to hear the depression induced episode with your D getting nervous. Are you getting any help for the depression?
Hi Slowly... No, the only help i am getting is going to gym, playing my piano and breathing a lot..!!.. Some years ago i took zoloft, but right now i am trying to control by myself.. i know it is mentruation the mostly cause of the severe depressive days... right now that perior passed, i feel so much better.. so, maybe i need some help for Pre menstrual syntoms, do you know somenthing that can help me?. Ok... Good news but at the same time trying not to hesitate too much about this.... After all my claims, my speeches, my sincere words about my feelings to my h, incluiding yesterday whie we were eating... at night (yesterday) i decided to do an strategy i share with a friend... an strategy i decide after thinking in my h sexual no desire at all... My friend point out this problem in a different way that makes me see the issue in another perspective... she said: Hey... relax... I think he is so nervous about not working well bc all his turmoil... no man died bc no R at all for 4 months... you dont have to think this is bc he is taking R with someone else... mosty bc you are saying me he use to be early at home and is always with you and kids... so... You are sexual perfect... you feel sexually great... he is the one who has the problem and this pressure him more"... So, i said her... "Ok, so... i will play with that... i will torture him a little... i will make a 180 right now... instead of folowwing his acctitude about no erotism or sensuality at all, i will do it... i will not initiate, but i will seduce in an ocult way to see what happen".... So... yesterday i put the excuse about Hot weather, and put off my tshirt of the pijama, so natural, so nicely... viewing besides him TV... standing and going to coucine, ordening the laundry at bed... and guess what...?!!!!... in 20 minutes he look for me... and was AMAZING...!! So, this is the first intimate aproximation between us since january...!!... I think this is a big big good step... Remembr he said his C and him had decided not to look for that moments just fot not creating hopes or worng expectations...!!.. Lets see what happens... i am trying to follow the same actitude... my life, my gym, my sensuality... and this time i will not express him too much affection, too much hesitation... little by little... i think he just need to do a great work... he must effort to conquer me again... he must think in what he is not doing and i am wishing... By the same time i am thinking in the same... his desires and wishes, as always i had done... Stay around Andrea
Quote: When others fail to live up to our expectations, we tend to place blame. We tend to get frustrated. That frustration leads to depression. A rift is caused that prevents healing. It creates an "I'm right/you're wrong" competition or division in the relationship. It points to a lack in communication. It means you cannot accept your partner for who he or she is. It creates a feeling of insecurity. It creates distrust. It creates a power struggle for control in the relationship. It's a variation of the "my way or the highway" type of thinking.
Lots of good reasons not to have expectations at all. Ask yourself why must things be as per your expectations? Ask yourself why do you believe that your way of thinking is best or better than others? Ask yourself why do you cling to those beliefs? Visualize what the relationship could be like if you were freed from that thinking. Visualize what your relationship would be like if you and your partner were not chained by the other's expectations but were free to grow and each of you could simply be yourselves and how magnificent it can be to love someone and be loved for being yourselves.
It is so difficult to live without expectations... we need them bc each part of M has their needs, desires, and expectations... The problem is when our expectations seems to be an idioty or silly issue to the other part and at the inverse too...!!.. And the problem is that i use to express a lot my expectations... and he doesnt... i have more affective expectations... and it seems he has more actions expectations... I am more affective, he is less... so, by this point of view, yes, i ned to accept i married a man not too much affective or expressive and that i cant change that...!!
So... no response at all... hey... are there anyone who can help me..!! Ok... yesterday was a weird at last day...!!... at 2:00pm h send me a cell phone message saying: Last night was delicious..!! So, i answered him 20 minutes afer, when i read it... "last night was delicious and this message you sent too... so bad you are not beside me bc i am just exited...!!..."... So... until that, everything was OK... but guess what...?!!!... My h arrived at home at 8:30pm... i was on bed saying TV... he stayed a while outside, and enter room only saying hello... i say hi...!!.. no kiss, nothing... i need to accept i didnt get up too and gave him a kiss... So... then he open his table bed and see a CD i recorded for him... "Did you record me a CD? Thanks"... yes, XXX i commented you was great...!!... After that i commented him about an opportunity of employ i had sent my curriculum.. no comment at all from him... I said... Dis you hear me?... Yes...!!... And why you didnt comment anything, speak, respond...?... Hey, Andrea, i am eating my snaks... is only that OK...?...!!!!... Hey, are you feelng bad bc something?... dont be that agressive?!!... His mood was awfull... with kids also... i know him so well... so, he went to my baby girls as all nights to accompanied her while she get slept... he got slept there and then, when i was just slept he pass to our bed...!! This morning he say by with a kiss, he note me a little sad or disgusted...!!.. but i say by with a kiss too... So, i was thinking and thinking again, trying to find an explanation to this mood change... and i know i need to stop doing this, but how?!!!... i thought maybe he went to C that day.... Maybe he was disgusted bc he expected me to receive him with a big kiss... maybe he got disgusted bc something at home when he enter and didnt want to speak about it... i dont know What a weird change mood... in 5 hours, from saying "Yesterday night was delicious" i received a man so badly mood and unaffective...!! Stay around Andrea
Do you think maybe your H could've just had a hard day at the office? Maybe work was a bit stressful for H yesterday, and his mood had nothing to do with you at all.
You don't know what was bothering him for sure. Let it go and try not to personalize it. I know it's so hard -- I did it yesterday in my sitch . Although things are alright now , I know I MUST stop this before I REALLY mess up .
Be patient, positive, cheery, continue doing your own thing, and keep "dangling the bait" every now and then !
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: Do you think maybe your H could've just had a hard day at the office? Maybe work was a bit stressful for H yesterday, and his mood had nothing to do with you at all. You don't know what was bothering him for sure. Let it go and try not to personalize it. I know it's so hard
Thanks JV... and yes, maybe you are right... maybe is estress from job that is bothering him... and we tend to personalyze everything on out sitch...!!... mostly bc that same day, at morning, he sent me the message to my cell phone, he sounds so happy... and zás... at night i received a completely changed men... But, yes, it can be stress and lets think that...!!
So, lets journal the positive... 1. yesterday he was not in bad mood and i said him by by in the morning with a mouth kiss it seems he likes. 2. It seems he is capting i am thiner... he looks more at me and i had catched him many times while i am undressing or dressing... or when i am in pijamas (i am using the little one ).
About the bad ones... My C, after writing him an e-mail explaining the intimate situation h and i had and the change in his mood behavior had answered me: "I believe that the confusion of events and affections remains between you and H. There is no doubts that it is necessary for him to clarify more the things. I feel that your still have a great fear to mistake or to do something that finishes him moving away , but in him I feel that he does not know where goes. The erótico encounter does not guarantee that the things have been solved and that the couple isnt on risk . I think that, although it hurts a little, you must follow to be prepared for the bad news from his part. If he does not accept his emotions and his decisions with maturity the things are not going to improve in an stable way. Maintain your rate of work, your caring about yourself and kids, your friends, and acts as if there was not crisis. The decision from him is most necessary and important at this moment.
2. I sent him a nice Photo montage showin him and his partner fishing a bg big big fish... and saying... i have you always on my mind... hey... when are you going again fishing? (he loves that). There was no responde or comment at all. At this point there is a positive ones... this time i dont ask him if he receive it... no comment from me as i used to... and no recrimination at all bc his no responde at all. So thats all till now... stay around Andrea
Ok.. lets post the postivies from yesterday... After two weekd without him wanting to get out with me on thursday, yesterday he invited me and we spent a nice nice night with other couple... with that couple we had traveled to italy 2 years ago and we remembered all that great moments and h said something like: too much Sex, great sex!!... 2. I decide inviting my parents in law and my mother to eat today... bc they want always to see children... this kind of invitatios use to be his invitation... so that is a great 180 from me... he cant be here bc he will be in a surgery...but i dont depende also on him for coming... 3- He is affective and gentle when we awake and said by by at motnings...
So... what i dont like 1. He again got slept without saying nothing at all... see you tomorrow , a kiss... nothing... although i have to accept he get slept so tired vieweing TV 2- Something is annoying me... i think we need humor, laughing between us, when we are alone, talking, on car... when we went to that dinner we talked a lot... but at the returning moment, there were no words at all... both listening to the music... when we were lovers, before M, we used to laugh and wnjoy to much together, and alone... we never need other couple to laugh...
Ok.. lets post the postivies from yesterday... After two weekd without him wanting to get out with me on thursday, yesterday he invited me and we spent a nice nice night with other couple... with that couple we had traveled to italy 2 years ago and we remembered all that great moments and h said something like: too much Sex, great sex!!... 2. I decide inviting my parents in law and my mother to eat today... bc they want always to see children... this kind of invitatios use to be his invitation... so that is a great 180 from me... he cant be here bc he will be in a surgery...but i dont depende also on him for coming... 3- He is affective and gentle when we awake and said by by at motnings...
So... what i dont like 1. He again got slept without saying nothing at all... see you tomorrow , a kiss... nothing... although i have to accept he get slept so tired vieweing TV 2- Something is annoying me... i think we need humor, laughing between us, when we are alone, talking, on car... when we went to that dinner we talked a lot... but at the returning moment, there were no words at all... both listening to the music... when we were lovers, before M, we used to laugh and wnjoy to much together, and alone... we never need other couple to laugh...
drinks not get well on me (i know i cant drink when my enstruation is near and my mood is totally down). I had no problem looking for kids on my MIL home... i stay there for a while, but after getting home i served myself another scotch 
My oldest D sent dad a cell message saying: i am nervous,.. mom is drunk...!!... I got slept, and the morning after my h left children to school and i stat sleeping. 
and that she prefered we separate... i told her thats not true and that only us can know what can be the best for both... that whatever decission we take we will alwyays be there for her, loving her... and ask her to go daddy room and forgive and say him she loves her too much... So, she did that and they stayed a while talking.
So, this is the first intimate aproximation between us since january...!!... I think this is a big big good step...
So, i answered him 20 minutes afer, when i read it... "last night was delicious and this message you sent too... so bad you are not beside me bc i am just exited...!!..."... So... until that, everything was OK... but guess what...?!!!...
, I know I MUST stop this before I REALLY mess up 
).