I forgot to mention a positive that happened Monday. S2 was sick so I picked him up from daycare early and spent the afternoon with him. XW came over late afternoon to pick him up. I invited her to eat with me, she accepted we had some casual conversation. She seemed really comfortable around me. She actually hung around a little bit after supper, and didn't seem in a hurry to leave (a change for her). Basically if I'm relaxed, she is relaxed. She just shows no romantic type interest in me. I suppose this has something to do with OM. I still miss her, and think of her often, but my love for her is begining to fade (I think). The death of love is hard to deal with, but as I'm finding out its just something that starts to happen. Maybe this is just a phase? Part of me wants her and I to try to build a new romantic relationship, the other part of me doesn't. Does this mean I'm begining to give up, or just let go? Hope
I don't think it's giving up - it's more realising that your own life and happiness is important and that you aren't going to crumble if she isn't there, which is actually healthy.
Me and jdd and even Gabriel all seem to be feeling this same thing at the moment. It must be something in the air.
I'm glad you could 'hang out' with her and it felt normal. Very nice.
Hope, loving someone is a decision...one that requires reinforcement. We just aren't indeterminantly in love with anyone, including our spouses in a healthy marriage. It takes work, constant decision to love, commitment and reinforcement. Those of us who are feeling the love diminish as we detach are normal as Ioavva posted. Even those who have constant interaction with their distanced spouse or ex-spouse will feel a diminished affection/love if the feelings are constantly not reaffirmed or reciprocated. I, at this very moment of writing this, have felt a diminishing love for my XW of 5 months now, but just as I write this last sentence, I can not explain why I feel love for her once again welling up in my chest. I love her so very much, yet, she has not told me she loves me since September of last year and we have not even spoken to each other this calendar year. We have exchanged one letter from her and three from me. If you include a few emotionless emails, then there has been a couple exchanged this year. I still love her. I can not explain why other than I still have hope of a R (can't explain why other than just blind faith) and I made a very true and firm commitment to her on August 18, 2001 in a marriage ceremony in our church...the one we all still attend. I made a promise to her before our God...one that I take extremely seriously. One that, unfortunately, she has chosen to no longer honor. blehhhhh...
Hang in there...it will get easier, it will get better. We will all recover for we all down, deep and earnestly in the very core of our being have an undying desire to survive...and that we shall in good form when the mourning of the lost R/M is finally done.
Almost a month since my last post. I guess I haven't posted because not much has changed, in a long time. A couple of things worth mentioning:
XW asked me about a month ago if I wanted to meet OM, whom she started dating 2 months after bomb. Anyway, my reply was no, I didnt see any need to meet him. She said she didnt understand why I wouldnt want to meet the man that was spend some time with our boys. I replied that I had to trust her enough not to date an ax murder or child molester. While I didnt explain it very well, because I was not thinking clearly, I look at it like this: 1. she loves the kids and wouldnt let anything bad happen to them. 2. If I met him and didnt like him would that really matter to her? Would she stop seeing him because I didnt like him?
So I saw no point in it. He didnt really want to meet me, and I sure as hell dont want to meet him. I kinda view him as the guy that may have made it impossible for her to see all the changes I was making. I dont respect the fact that they were dating while the divorce was pending. Thoughts?
I went back on my vow not to talk to her about relationship stuff the other day. I basically told her that I still had hope for us, she was resolute that it will never happen. Its almost like the rejection doesnt hurt anymore. I think these types of conversations with her are pretty much self destructive on my part. I did so good for months.
I've been hard on myself lately. I read most of these posts and see no-one beating themselves up over the mistakes they made in the relationship. Seems like its all about what she/he is/is not doing. Maybe its because others have made changes and choose not to look back knowing it is pointless. While I have changed alot of my negative behaviors, I still have alot of regret and shame for the wrong I did. Sometimes I wonder if there really is hope for those of us who did wrong. I guess I just havent forgiven myself yet.
Anyway enough of the bad stuff. As for something positive. Two nights ago she said this to me:
You were always a really good father, but know you are a great father. She said it with such pride and certantity. It felt really good hearing that. I feel better just thinking about it.
Quote: You were always a really good father, but know you are a great father
Welcome back. I think it's wonderful she said this. Ya know, I consider myself a great father, but I've never heard that from my 1st ex. By the way, about OM, it is more likely than not that he will blow it with your kids one way or the other. Your W will be very protective and given the fact that you are in her eyes a great dad she will draw the comparison and likely find OM lacking. Just MHO.
Its almost like the rejection doesnt hurt anymore
It shouldn't. You are stronger now. It doesn't mean you don't care. I've had more rejection than most ten people on here (since I pursue ten times more). I see it as a chance to show how well I can bounce back...a 180 for me. So don't let a slip and a rejection get you down.
Quote: Maybe its because others have made changes and choose not to look back knowing it is pointless. While I have changed alot of my negative behaviors, I still have alot of regret and shame for the wrong I did. Sometimes I wonder if there really is hope for those of us who did wrong. I guess I just havent forgiven myself yet
Hope, we all make mistakes. The biggest mistake you can make at this point is to think that you are undeserving of forgiveness. If you truly looked at yourself and saw the things that were wrong and you made an honest effort to change them you have nothing to regret. You can't carry this emotional baggage around. Your MA seems lower than snail sh*t at the moment. I hope it is just temporary.
BTW, about meeting the OM. I would have done the same. He's nothing to you....just a speed bump. He can't hold a candle to you and if she can't see that yet then it's her loss.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Update: Well, not much has changed. I still love her, she still doesnt love me. The bright side: she doesnt hate me We get along well the boys are doing good All in all I still have alot to be thankfull for. The other day I bought her a set of tools for around the house, nothing real big, $60. I saw it and knew she could use it. I havent bought her anything in awhile, so I thought it was a safe bet. She actually started to cry when I gave it to her. I really dont understand it. Does she cry because she really doesnt love me and feels sorry for me because I obviousely still love her? Just a guess on my part. Anyway I actually tried to down play the gift saying it really wasnt a big deal, she countered with "it is a big deal". I'm at the point now that I dont read anything into anything coming from her. It just seems so pointless. I still have the boys the majority of the time. We are making it pretty well, I mess up some, but try to learn from my mistakes. I'm actually thinking about joining an online dating site. I just need to get out, going out to the bar is OK but, not a place to meet someone. I'm not giving up on her, but I will not wait forever and she shows no signs of softening. Its been almost a year since the bomb. I think I'm ready? I know one thing, I miss having a female companion. Oh, something really special happened the other day. I bouth S5 some fireworks and gave them to him. As he sat in the truck and looked through the sack, I asked him if he thought they would do. He just looked up at me with the biggest smile ever, I'm talking ear to ear and said thanks dad. That moment will last a life time. I am so thankfull.
Quote: Anyway I actually tried to down play the gift saying it really wasnt a big deal, she countered with "it is a big deal".
Well, I hope you learned to not downplay or kill your own DBing efforts! Hope, she continues to notice you and your changes! Give her time, my friend. You are doing a perfect job in terms of attitude toward her. One thing - how is your PMA around her? Can you shake off the sadness/filtering and be loose and fun around her?
Hope, great job with the boys. Concentrate on that. I see a contradiction in your post. You say you miss the female companionship and I honestly understand that. However, you also talk of joining a dating service because you intimate that you desire to meet a quality woman rather than pick up a gal at a bar. On the other hand, you also state you have not given up on your ex-wife. As long as you have earnest hope and desire for reconciliation, don't try to hook up with another woman...it will only complicate things at the very least and could ruin everythng at the worst. Concentrate on single parenting. I don't think it is too early to start looking, but since you still are interested in your ex-wife, don't get into another R. My 2CW.
Gabriel, My attitude around her could improve. Most times I'm upbeat, however the OM really sets me off. She has a picture of her and him taken in Cabo displayed in her living room. Its like a huge friggin magnet, I cant help but look at it. I know its totally unproductive. I see that picture, or imagine her spending time with him and it puts me in an angry mood. I usually say nothing at all or I'm a little short with her. The good news I realize this is something I have to overcome, and I'm getting better about it. I guess it makes me angry becasuse she seems to have moved on completely, and never appears to have looked back. Again, I just need to refocus my attention and stop going down this cheeseless tunnel. Johndad, I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. I'm not the kind of guy that can remain single. Honestly, I believe my X is more inclined to build a significant relationship with me if I was dating. What harm is there in going out with a few ladies? The fact is if I never put myself out there, I'll probably never find someone. Again, I firmly believe my X would be more apt to have a relationship after I start dating. However, I would never date someone to make her jealous. Again, I'm still on the fence.
The pic would bother me, too. Keep your chin up in the presence of her new R, realizing that that R is likely doomed with her acting false or repeating her past unsuccessful patterns.
In terms of the dating, you'll know when its right. You're right to not date mere to manipulate her. Yet maybe it could just be about you socializing and having a good time? You'll be the best judge on dating, Hope.
Hope, she continues to notice you and your changes! Give her time, my friend. You are doing a perfect job in terms of attitude toward her. One thing - how is your PMA around her? Can you shake off the sadness/filtering and be loose and fun around her?