Tagg, All I can sugest is to keep to the high road. It'll payoff someday. I was lucky enough to have a "painless" divorce. If there is such a thing. Yes, they say things which make us believe they are a different person, but remeber these are usually emotionally charged and seldom have much truth.
I seem to be floundering. W closed on her house today. Last night she said she wanted to have me over for dinner one night. I was flattered to say the least, said that would be great. She still has a new man in her life, I guess? I just dont know what to make of it all. There is so much I dont understand. Dont mean to seem like a downer, but she shows no indication that she would ever even consider a romantic relationship with me. I know I should just concentrate on friendship and her friendship is important to me, but my feelings for her overwhelm me when I'm around her.
I know I should be thankfull I get to see her at all, but unfortunately no matter how much I have I always want more.
You know I just can't get my mind arounf "Let's be friends." If your spouse tears you life apart with a divorce those are not grounds for "friendship." I'm thinking, close that chapter in your life and move on.
I cant get my mind around it either. However, I know I will always be there for her if she needs me and ViseVersa. I occasionally do nice things for her and she occasionally she does nice things for me. Is that the definition of a friendship? I also believe living on good terms with her is beneficial for the boys. I believe oneday she might reconsider the relationship, but I try not to hold my breath.
As far the divorce, it was not a friendly act, however it was what she felt she had to do. To avoid doing what in your heart you feel you have to do, is to not be true to yourself. Truethfully I would not want her with me if she didn't want to be with me.
Our approach doesnt work for everyone, but for now it seems to work for us. But it is hard. At times I cuss her (to myself) and get incredibly angry with her, but this passes and I realize those are just emotions I have. Everyone has these emotion. Its very beneficial to vent those emotions to a friend or in private, dont keep them bottled up, but dont to "let go" on your ex. This does nothing but damage.
As for moving on... I believe I have moved about as much as I wish to. I'm not the kinda guy that's gonna jump into another relationship. I go out, meet girls, and make friends. I am focused on my two boys who need me right now, they are my first priority.
Tell me if you think I living in a dream world. I take all comments, but comments that are contrary to my thoughts make me think even more. Not that you'll change my mind, but thinking is a good thing.
I agree that friendship after D does muck up one's head, both H and I don't have the stamina to be 'just friends' - he even got other people to pick up dd because he couldn't face me and my opinion was, I couldn't get closure on the M if he was in my life at all. So I cut him out altogether and that is why we are dating. He missed me and came back into my life.
If it didn't work I would have to go dark on him for my sanity (I think it will work, though).
I feel, though, if you are hoping for reconciliation, no matter how small that hope, you have to be *just friends* for now, as that is the only way you will develop an R, through friendship.
I can post! Can you believe it? Sorry I have been a stranger. I think I am back in the system and the computer will just remember me when I come back to this board without having to log in at all.
I think being friends with wife is the only way to go. This is essentially what I did and now I am getting better and better at it. The more I make it seem that my only interest is H's well being, the closer he wants to be to me. He opens up to me more and more everyday. I rarely ask about us and just pretend that it doesn't matter to me that much. My concerns are always about his well being when we speak. Your hard work will eventually start to pay. You truly have to let W go with all your heart and soul, and when you do, your chances of reconciliatoin will increase tenfold. This will make you stronger too. Plus, it will allow you to make the new relationship something you can enjoy also. Hang in there Hope. You are doing everything right.
Sam, Thanks for posting! Dont friends have lunch together? I asked her to have lunch with me and she turned me down cold. She says were not going to be the type of friends that spend time together. I think she is afraid that by spending time with me it will give me false hope. So do I just not ask to spend any time with her?
How do I let go more than I already have? She makes her own decisions, she lives in her own house, I know little about her daily activities. She is pretty much a stranger. What else do I do. How do I truely let go with my heart and soul? I think if I would stop backsliding (talking about R, asking her to spend time with me) I would know I've let go, but I still want those things, and occasionally it comes out. How do I let go?
hope, have you tried the LRT? She needs space and like my xw, I would guess she can't stand anyone to be angry with her so she wants to be "friends." My xw put the "friends' thing in a letter, but has certainly not taken any action in making a friendship out of it. I understand what you posted on the previous page about the WAW feeling that D is the only thing they felt they could do and being true to themselves carried them through the act. My D was about as painless financially as one could have also. It cost me some dough, but that was based on $$ she put into our marital home which I kept. I also made it easy on her in that she got her money right away, no waiting for assets to be sold. I think the best thing is to just let them fully experience their "freedom" and maybe it just won't be as great as they thought it was. They don't forget the great times we had together. At least my xw doesn't...she wrote me that she "thinks of those rather than dwelling on why we are apart" whatever that means. GAL is the recipe for our continued success in life and that of our kids. Do yourself a favor and keep on concentrating on being the best father you can be. In doing that, you will think of your xw less and become even more detached. If we remain deeply in love with our xw, then we cripple our own recovery. At some point, we have to earnestly accept it is time to be selfish to a degree for our own health.
I was just about to post and tell you to think about going dark then I saw that John Dad had posted the same thing to you so I definitely think that may be a good idea. I know it is hard to do, but I think you must do it.
Think of it this way. You really don't have a relationship with her as it is so why not break it off completely for the time being. Things aren't working the way they are going so give LRT a try. Make her think you have moved on completely. I think the your relationship with her the past few months has set a great foundation. It allowed you to set the stage for a good friendship. You have been kind, patient and a good friend. Now you need to get busy with your own life. Once you start doing it, it will get easier and easier. Keep in mind that her life will go on just like everyone else's on this earth which is a life full of problems. She is not living in a rosy dream, I promise. Don't let your head run crazy and make yourself thank she is just all happy, happy.
By the way, my H also bought a house after the divorce. It really made me upset because in my mind we were getting back together so why would he do such a horrible thing. They see things differently than we do, and we just have to accept it. I just told myself that the house means nothing and that it is just a material possesion. Once I made up my mind to forget it, I never thought about it again. You need to do the same about things like these too. I have come to the belief that our old marriage is gone (who cares because it stunk anyways) and I am rebuilding my life completely so I can have a relationship with H or someone else if things don't work out with H. The better I got at having this attitude, my perception of my situation changed completely. Total separation has to happen for reconciliation. I held onto little things here and there to keep "us" together in my head. I have let go of all preconceived notions on how H should be acting. Once you do this, your perception will also change.
You need to just let her go by not having contact with her. I know you have kids together, but make the drop offs and pick-ups as short and sweet as possible. If you could think of a way to not see her at all at times like these, do it. You need to create mystery and make her wonder.
Is she seeing someone, Hope? Is there a boyfriend? I see you post sometimes that there is someone. If there is back off completely and watch the problems arise in that relationship. She is not going to march off into the sunset with him.
I know all of this will be very hard to do. I have been following Christian of this board. His wife is an alcoholic, and he is very caught up in codependency with his wife. I watched him go dark with his wife which you could tell by his posts that it was very, very difficult for him to do. He did it though and it got easier and easier. The same will happen for you.
When I read that you had asked her to dinner and she turned you down, my first impression was that you are probably coming across as pursuing. Stop all pursuing behavior. The easiest way to do this is to go dark.
You need to create mystery. It is attractive. There is a book that I had told you about on your old thread at surviving the big D. Go back and find the name of the book and buy it. I think it is the Art of Seduction. After reading it, you will start to see how pursuing someone not interested is a total turnoff. It explains that you always have to stay mysterious. When you tell people too much about yourself, they get board and lose interest. There is a chapter with a list of turnoff's. Boy oh boy, it describes all of our whiney asses on this board to a tee.
This is how I know LRT will work. With H things turned around when I didn't call H at all! NEVER! This has all happened very recently. I even talk to him now like we aren't getting back together. It works I swear. You have got to get a life also or you will go mad. I had let my counselor in on some of my DBing secrets and she told me I was playing games and needed to be honest instead. When I took her advice, things with H started to fall apart. I ignored her advice and got back on the DBing wagon. It is the only thing that works and I have so much proof. When I do it, things get better and that is a fact.
Hope this helps. I know it will be hard. There are no guarantees, but obviously what you are doing now isn't working so be strong and give this a try. What do you have to lose? You can still be her friend just a very busy friend with no time for her right now.
I read your post one more time and want to make some additions. Hope, you are pursuing. Also, I know it is so hard to just not mention future with wife or the R, but don't do it. It is not an option. It only makes wife uncomfortable each and every time. Everytime wife thinks things are getting better between the two of you, you make her uncomfortable just as she begins to relax. Don't mess up your hard work. She is watching you like a hawk and looking for the old you to emerge. Once you pretend that you don't care enough, it won't be pretend anymore. It will be the real you. Start working at that. Once you do it enough the rewards in her behavior will make you want to get better and better at DBing. That is what has happened to me.
Yes, your wife is afraid to give you any hope at all. If she gives you any hope you will suffocate her. I am just as bad. We are all pathetic fools. We are not attractive people. We have been hurt and are desperately looking for a way to ease are pain. You need to learn how to be strong again. The person you are today is not the person that attracted your wife in the first place. Try to go dark and get strong. We will be here to support you.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. I pretty much know what I needed to do, sometimes its a tremendous help to hear it from someone else. Thanks again.
So its back going dark, being the best father I can and GAL.
