Hi there stranger! I was thinking that no news was good news from you. It really does sound like you guys are keeping up with the forward movement! I couldn't be happier for you. Here's a couple of thoughts....
Quote: I got a little tearful from disappointment, slipped up, told him I felt insecure and worried about us. H got irritated, said I make him "feel hopeless" when I say that. I still havent figured out HOW that makes HIM feel hopeless.
A unfair as it seems, I think that your h counts on you to be the rock. He is following your lead. When you start to have doubts, he naturally has doubts.
Quote: what I cant figure out is why she's trying to get to me like that.
Because she can not get to you any other way!!!!!! Your h is back with you. You are most likely right, she is trying to bait you. Park somewhere else and don't worry about it. Remember, living well is the best revenge!
Quote: I couldnt figure out what he was talking about, I thought it must have been sometime when I was undressed or something, but he said it was when I was walking into the living room, just wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Ah Deb, hon, this is so very telling! When you were RELAXED and doing your own thing....not taking temperatures and trying to figure everything out....your h looked at you and was able to let his desire come through. I think this is really important for you Deb. Stop "looking" at him all the time and give him the opportunity to "look" at you. He really does like what he sees...(it's obvious from all the SEX you guys have! LOL)
Quote: except I know he was there first, and she could have parked over there by him. again, an example of detachment failure!
Now, I may be wrong here but I do not think of this as detachment failure. It's simple observation. You see your h's car. You see her car. Detachment doesn't make you blind, it allows you to be aware without over-reacting, without triggering bad habits. If you allow yourself to stew over it (or do anything else like mention it to h or become clingy or needy) then I would say that you are too attached.
About the ring...big sigh....I must say this would aggravate me to no end. (It actually DOES aggravate me and he's not even my h! LOL) I have this vision of you asking your h to borrow his lotion and then making a production of taking off your ring. And when your h (with shock, I am sure) asks you why you are doing that...you say, "well, honey, I don't want to offend any of my future boyfriends by wearing a ring!" Got to love it!
All in all sounds like things are great! Keep up the good work and drop us a line from time to time (haha) and let us know you are still out there!
Dawn
So sorry about the pony Deb. It's a difficult thing to do to say the least but sometimes the nicest thing that we can do for our dear friend/companion.
Hi Dawn, it's always so good to hear from you! and your insights are so helpful!
Quote: A unfair as it seems, I think that your h counts on you to be the rock. He is following your lead. When you start to have doubts, he naturally has doubts.
I never ever considered this, it never entered my mind. that would indeed explain why he gets "irritated" when I express any uncertainty. Perhaps it scares him into thinking that I'm going to dump him after he finally (he says) got rid of her ("gave her up" in his words, from Jan. 28, 2005, LOL, I can just about tell you the date of any statement in the last 2 years that struck me as significant)
Quote: He really does like what he sees...(it's obvious from all the SEX you guys have! LOL)
ummmmmm, I hadnt really thought of that either, because I still see all the fat I need/want to lose. however, it's either that or he's really been sex-starved (hungry maybe, but I don't think quite starved) or he's the worlds horniest 50-year old. Or maybe some of all? anyway, the amazing thing is I'M having a great time...living well is the best revenge. hmmm, if ow only knew. I believe H must be so interested because he likes it, I'm careful to more follow his lead now rather than be aggressive, although sometimes I make unexpected suggestions, partially for the fun of seeing the shocked look on his face .
Quote: Detachment doesn't make you blind, it allows you to be aware without over-reacting, without triggering bad habits. If you allow yourself to stew over it (or do anything else like mention it to h or become clingy or needy) then I would say that you are too attached.
hmmm, this helps too...I'm not reacting in any way except to think to myself "how pathetic" and "how stupid does she think I am?" so, I guess I'm doing ok in that department, although sometimes I do feel a twinge of irritation at it/her.
the ring also irritates me. One things for sure, I'm NEVER buying that kind of lotion again. I cant stand the smell of it anymore.
ah, I have to mention I continue to pursue my GAL efforts...Golf lessons start either the 19th or 20th, depending on which night I decide to go. I got a letter about them last week, had opened it and left it on the kitchen counter when I read it, with NO ulterior motives, I must say, and H read it and said "oh, are you going to do these now? kind of quietly, but with out protest. told him I was planning to, just had to figure out the schedule.
The pony was soooooo hard. he was D's pony, 22 years old, and his mother was MY pony before I ever started school. He'd been sick for a month, slowly getting progressively worse. We thought it was a condition called "founder" which ponies can get easily, but he just got worse and worse inspite of medication and treatment. Last Thursday morning he would get up and then just almost keel over, go right back down; I called the vet and met him at 1:30; by that time his face and neck were becoming paralyzed and his chest muscles as well, affecting his breathing...the vet asked if he'd had his rabies shot...we are about the only people I know who give rabies shots to their horses here, but we missed it last fall because of schedule conflicts, etc., so besides having him put to sleep, we had to have him tested for rabies, which I wont go into, it's quite gross and upsetting. Then we had an anxious two days before we found out the test was negative. The vet believes he had developed a brain tumor. Sad, sad, sad...he was ornery and pretty worthless, thought he was a dog (literally, FIL kept him for us for a while once, and he got out and chased cars down the main street of their little town) but we loved him and his antics. Even H said how hard it was, especially since he didnt get to say good bye. And I really feel sorry for S, since we lost his lizard about a month ago. sigh....
oh, yeah, I was going to mention. Curiosity got the best of me a couple of weeks ago, and I "Googled" ow's ex...i've been curious because H has commented that "he's not stupid, he's had quite a bit of education, has a masters degree" (I didnt mention that I know some folks with those that I think are pretty darn dense)...H has sounded puzzled about him....so anyway, turns out the guy doesnt have a masters, he has doctorate....I don't believe H knows that. This explains ow's D's comments to S however, as she showed him pics of her moms bf's, that "this one couldnt provide" and "he couldnt get enough money so Mom broke up with him", etc and on and on and on. I don't think anyone she's dated/lived with around here has had that level of educational attainment/income (the guys an associate prof. at a university)....so, yeah, the picture does become clearer, and yes $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ are a big motivating factor for her. H has told me her ardor cooled considerably when she figured out we arent as well off as she thought. Isnt that just nifty? what a sleazy deceitful, user she is.
I would just LOVE it if H ever sees it. I know better than to say anything, but I can't help but to hope that someday he will be able to see it.
This is a late post for me! I thought I would check in before I exercise and do my evening stuff. I did miss hearing from you but like I said, I knew it was a good thing so I was really pleased!
I may not have mentioned this but I worked for a veterinary group for 14 years so I do know about the rabies test. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I just recently had my cat put to sleep. She had just turned 20. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was still difficult. She wasn't a cat you could bond with...very independent but still she was with me for half my life! It was much harder than I thought it would be. Hugs to your family!
The puppy is 73# and holding! She was "helping" me pull weeds this afternoon. SIGH I could have gotten more done with a child on my hip! But she's a good little girl. Amazingly she does seem "little" to me. My last dog was a german shepherd and she was very, huh, tall. Growing up we had two sheperds at different times. This pup is muscular and stocky. Definately a lap-full!
As for my h, sadly, I think he has gone back in the tunnel. He again acts selfishly (and stupidly..lol). This makes sense to me, as he did nothing to help himself out, like counseling. IMHO, he's hiding from the truth, whatever THAT is, and instead of trying to figure it out he likes to blame me (or anyone, anything else) for his troubles.
Soooo....I am getting on with things on my own. I rarely ask him for anything and never if it's something that I think I can do on my own. And I have stopped "doing" for him, no cooking, no laundry, nothing unless it is business related. This newest thing (about 3 weeks) is making him really angry but he won't say anything about it. Sometimes it's comical to watch him try NOT to say something. But Deb, I have tried just about everything else so I thought I would give this a shot. If nothing else, I am certainly happier not having to cook and clean-up after him.
I am looking for my own full-time job and figure that when that happens, I will push harder for the D. Sad.
On a positive note....I did get asked out by a twenty year old guy on Monday! Yeah for me! I, of course, politely said "no, but thank you" instead of "what, are you crazy, I am almost 41 years old!". I was surprised that I was able to maintain myself and not bust out laughing!
So that's a basic update on me: Pup, good. Me, good. Husband, an ASS.
Some thoughts...
Quote: because I still see all the fat I need/want to lose.
I am sorry that you feel this way. I wish that you didn't. I wish that I could talk you out of it, but I can not. Deb, you have to love yourself and give yourself a break. You have come a long way and life is NOT over. We are all works in progress but we have to enjoy each step we take along the way. If we don't, we will miss out on so much joy. Please do not keep waiting and waiting to love yourself until you...lose weight or your marriage is better or whatever...you might miss a lot. (I give myself this lecture about my marriage/myself EVERY damn day!)
Quote: hmmm, if ow only knew
She does. Isn't it great?
You take care Deb. Oh, and good luck with the golf lessons!
Quote: On a positive note....I did get asked out by a twenty year old guy on Monday! Yeah for me! I, of course, politely said "no, but thank you" instead of "what, are you crazy, I am almost 41 years old!". I was surprised that I was able to maintain myself and not bust out laughing!
Hey this whole Ashton Kutcher - Demi Moore thing is giving these guys ideas, I think! I had some 23 year olds hitting on me while I was waiting outside a restaurant the other day (and I'm 48!).
I think it was just because of my surf club jacket (one of the most prestigious in the country) - H thinks it was because of my cleavage!
Hi Dawn, thought I'd get back to you. I'm glad things are well with you and your pup, and sorry that your H has headed back into the tunnel. It is so tiring and frustrating to deal with over and over and over, isnt it???? I sure don't blame you at all for not "doing" for him. It doesnt sound like you have a lot of other choices to pick from right now.
hmmmm, asked out by a 20 year-old, now that's pretty cool. I think I'd faint dead away if that happened to me!
Hope you've had a good day, and are taking care of yourself. Give your pup a hug for me....I love dogs.
not a lot to report, but I thought I'd post a little just for my recall if nothing else.
I got an email from H this morning about 10, saying he hoped I was feeling better, that I had looked so tired this morning...I was surprised, because I've been tired since the time change and have had a headache all day, even early this morning. However, I didnt say a word to H about any of it, other than I may have commented that my tail was dragging. I thought it was sweet of him to notice, it's unusual for him to mention something he noticed about me.
Saw him for just a few minutes this evening before bringing S to class; he was talkative, wound up about work, I do feel like it is a good sign/baby step that he seems so eager to chat about his day anymore. I was nearly late getting S to class because we were "yakking"...I did at one point say "I'm going to have to go, but I think something really important is being overlooked here" and H came to me, said "yes", put his arms around me, and gave me a nice hug and kiss. Of course I told him "yep, that was it!". As we were getting ready to go out the door, H told S "I Love you, have a good class"....that struck me as a sign of perhaps reconnection, and also struck me that I don't hear H tell the poor kid that very often. I'm so glad he did.
S and I were talking this evening, about how things have changed over the last few years. S said "you're different"...I asked what he meant, and he said well, you are thinner some, and you sure are stronger" I wasnt following and asked how he thought I was stronger and he said "mentally"...I asked in what way, and he said "you just seem to get nearly as upset or upset as often as you used to". THAT meant a lot to me....I've worked really hard on learning to focus on the important stuff, do what works, "act as if" etc. If a 12-year old boy notices, hopefully his dad has to notice even more. Hmmmmm, maybe ow even notices. that would be ok, too.
in the ongoing battle of the parking spaces, I got here before her this morning and claimed "my" usual spot...so she parked 2 spots over again. Showing off that yellow teddy bear on the dash, I'm sure ...whatever. I'm the one who'll be sleeping in the same bed with him tonight, and frankly have been darn near every night for the last 27 years inspite of her best efforts. I'm just struck more and more by what an idiot she must be.
However, I still long for the day when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is old history. Not sure how I'll know, but hopefully that day will come, and soon.
I have to get back on the wagon with diet and exercise, though, I've not been good at all since I was sick for a month, and I'm feeling "out of shape" (not that I'd gotten that well back into shape yet) and it's not a nice feeling.
I do still want to get a new bike. I wonder what H would do if I started riding it to work some? I would like to do some of that, last summer when I talked about it, he was fussing about it being dangerous....ah well, more of my GAL goals still to be accomplished.
I have to agree with your h about the bike. I hate the thoughts of you riding on a busy road. I just do not think it's safe. Do you have any bike paths near your home?
One afternoon I thought I would take the pup out for a walk on our road. I live in a mostly rural area and thought it would be perfectly safe....no way! The cars (even as few as the were) seemed to sneak up on us out of nowhere and then whiz by at 40 MPH. We turned around and went home. Sometimes people think that rural roads give them the license to speed.
If not a bike, then what about your h's treadmill? It's a great way to start just make sure you get the right shoes.
I too have been reading your thread, but just not finding a lot to say since you are quite a ways ahead of me on the db path. I wish that you could find it in you not to get worked up about the little things that OW does, but I know it has to be hard when you work with her at the same place. I have never even had to see my H's OW face to face, thank God.
I am trying to figure out who got asked out by the young guy, was it Dawn or Ellie? What a rush!
The other day I subbed in first grade, and a kid from a different class asked me at lunch if I was in fifth grade!!! I told him "no" and asked him how old he thought I was, he said "maybe in high school." Out of the moiuths of babes! He was only a six year old, but hey, it blessed my life, as I have been feeling rather old and worn down lately. Sometimes this all just kicks my butt.
.
(I give myself this lecture about my marriage/myself EVERY damn day!)
...whatever. I'm the one who'll be sleeping in the same bed with him tonight, and frankly have been darn near every night for the last 27 years inspite of her best efforts. I'm just struck more and more by what an idiot she must be. 
I told him "no" and asked him how old he thought I was, he said "maybe in high school." Out of the moiuths of babes! He was only a six year old, but hey, it blessed my life, as I have been feeling rather old and worn down lately. Sometimes this all just kicks my butt.