Hi dfb! you know, I actually had the thought that I'd get a bear, a BIGGER BETTER bear and put it on my dash board. However, now I'm thinking I may do something really naughty and out of character with my scrupulously honest personality. What If I got a bear, or some kind of stuffed critter, and mailed it to myself, with a mushy note inside of some type, and opened it in front of H? naughty, yes; manipulative???? maybe; dishonest, yes; create mystery, yes; a waste of time? probably; fun? probably!
hmmmm, maybe it wouldnt be dishonest, though, I wouldnt have to lie about it. I could just be evasive....
Frankly dfb, I don't know at all if I have more strength than you do. Sometimes I think I'm just plain nuts. which is probably a distinct possibility.
How's that flu? I seem to be coming out of it....it's been slow going. Still coughing at night, etc.
Seems to me that ow is trying her best to get your goat. You are better than this! Do not take the bait. Anyone can go to the store and buy a stuffed animal and stick it on their dashboard. Jeesh! Laugh it off and see it for what it is....a desperate (and transparent) attempt to up-set you (or your h). She's a joke.
You know, if things were going soooo great between your h and her she would not be trying to hard to make it appear as if they were. Get it?
I totally agree with dfb on the forgiveness issue. He is being a baby and lashing out at you (blaming you) because he can not face the fact that he made this huge mistake all on his own. It's got to be humbling to know that the one thing that he did without you by his side, he completely screwed up! Hence, the anger at YOU.
I have found that it is difficult to DB when you are feeling ill. The illness makes you feel vulnerable in all aspects of your life. You've done a great job getting through this!
And, oh man, can I sympathize with you about trying to get things done around the house. I get so sick and tired of asking my husband to do the simplest things! So irritating. I could start my own thread just based on the argument we had on Sunday about checking the oil in my car....Big sigh....I guess I have to learn to be my own mechanic, plumber, electrician. But, hey, he has been using his time wisely getting that PhD in remote control usage!
I wouldn't pretend about having a person sending you a stuffed animal or anything romantic. It * will * backfire. Your H will just use it to justify his own actions. If he was out of the house and with OW completely, then that is a different story (though I don't like being that deceitful).
There is nothing wrong with sticking something on your dash, though - maybe in your back window. Leave a sexy bra in the back seat. Okay, a little deceitful - but let her wonder if she passes by the car. She's been a witch, so no reason not to play with her mind a bit.
Don't bend over backwards for him all the time (unless, of course, its for sex and make sure he uses protection). He's got his cake at home and his cookies elsewhere - let him work for the cake.
This flu stuff is crappy, I'm coughing a lot here at work, I probably should stay home, but I'm so far behind. I think it's almost impossible to db when you feel so icky. It makes me depressed anyway, and I know it distorts my perception of things.
the bra on the seat is a thought. I also thought, I do have a little stuffed red devil holding a heart that says "hot stuff" that H gave me for valentines day several years ago. I've kept him on my dresser all this time, but I could put HIM on my dashboard, and then park my car where she'll have to see it at religion class.
AHHHHHH, yesssss, I'd forgotten how much fun high school really was!
I got 2 emails from H this morning, all fired up about work again, that this employ/management committee is not going anywhere (read: evidently not being as effective at saving ow's a$$ as he'd hoped/promised her) because one of the clinicians resigned and that was to be her signal that it was time for them to go to the board. I swear I don't know what we'll do if he doesnt calm down so he doesnt get his a$$ fired! So, he's back in ranting/raving mode again. my email to him was that I was unclear about how that committee was intended to address bargaining type issues in the first place, and maybe if it was the board needed to clarify that. I havent heard a word from him since. Probably he got po'd at that reply, but I refuse to jump onto his convoluted ship just to pacify his depraved thinking.
Dang, how much longer can his weirdness last? I know he's been in MLC for probably 6 years, and I've read where it takes 10 - 15 years.
How long can it take them to fire dang ow????? I know she's a symptom and not the problem, but it would sure be easier for me if I didnt have to look at her ugly mug.
I gotta go get s, but man, this stuff is really wearing on my nerves today. Probably because i just back from being out of town with the director, and we are parked right next to where ow has been all day. Does it seem to anybody else like an obvious mind game play on her part to park there???? Of course, it must seem like it to the boss, because when she and I met in the parking lot, I saw her look at ow's vehicle, and the look on her face was.....priceless.
I think I will put my little devil on the dash for a while. especially if I get the joy of being next to ow. as far as the bra in the back seat, lmao, it's there...I went to get stuff, and it evidently fell out of my bag of workout clothes. all I gott do is leave it!
At this point every thing just seems lost and hopeless to me. I hope part of it is because I feel so lousy, but I dont know. H is a raging bear again, so po'd about work, lawyers, everything. Evidently there is a big meeting for the clincians to go to the board because the management/employee committee supervision survey didnt go the way the want. I was dumb enough to express to H last night that I think they have unrealistic expectations of the process, and that some of those expectations are unjustified. My guess is that the percentage of employees surveyed who said they have problems with inadequate supervision about matches the number of employees on corrective action plans, that this is H's last-ditch no-holds barred attempt to manipulate his co-workers into coming up with something that's going to pull ow's fat out of the fire. Of course I guess he wouldnt be so furious if it was working.
Anyway, I told him that I thought it wasnt entirely realistic to look at it that way, whoa, was that bad dbing...he went off like a rocket, that I wasnt "one of them", that I was being non-supportive....on and on and on....I backed off....although I did say "I'm not non-supportive, I just don't have someone poking me with a sharp stick every day so I'm not as emotionally involved" more bad dbing....he went nuts again, wanted to know who was poking him, I just raised my eyebrows and didnt say a word, walked away. At one point I said, "I don't suppose this is the time to say ILY" and he got really pissed and said no, he didnt want to hear it when I was so none-supportive, he didnt believe it.....so, I just let him go, went dark, actually went to bed at 8 pm, which was because I am really ILL....H came up about 8:30, asked if I was going to bed, duh, and seemed to have some concern.
This morning I was talking about some of my own questions about ethics in the legal profession, and H got all riled up again, I don't even remember what it was about....except h was on the exact opposite side of the fence from where he was 2 weeks ago. Then it dawned on me that maybe the attorney H sent ow to has told her she's full of hot air , and that's why H is so volatile, plus if this inner-working manipulative deal is working as he promised ow it would work, looks like he's got a lot of face to lose. I just hope and pray he doesnt get his butt fired in the process. he is so volatile right now, it's just irrational.
I did put my little stuffed devil on the dash board of my chevy mini-van; kind of an oxymoron, huh???? but I couldnt resist.
If any one has any advice or insight, I could sure use it right now. No email from H this am, and I havent sent him any....I leaving for a dr's appt and going home sick, so I guess he'll have the day in peace next to ow. hmmmm another observation, his agitation has picked up since he's back in the office next to her. That's what I feared would happen.
Good to hear that you are going to the doc. I hope that he/she can do something to make you feel better. You are right this flu is lousy! Get some rest and drink some OJ.
Just a teeny, tiny criticism from me.... I know that your goal is not to mention ow. I think that this is an excellent plan. I can also imagine how hard it is for you. I know in my heart that I would never be able to do it, so I give you all props for trying. That said, I do have to point out that just because you don't mention her by name doesn't mean that you are not, in fact, mentioning the situation! I think I have read a least a few times that you have indirectly brought her/their relationship up to h. Whether it's saying, "I feel insecure about 'it'" or the poking comment, your h will interpret that as bringing up ow.
You are right that your h is being ridiculous and over-board with his anger RE the work situation. It may or may not have anything to do with saving ow yucky ass. So many times MLCers have out-of-proportion anger about the seemingly strangest things. I guess you could be thankful that it is not directed at you. But as you have already seen, that anger can turn very quickly toward you.
You obviously can not get through to him by being reasonable. I think your best bet is to let it ride. Listen, no reason to validate his position, only his feelings. "I can see that you are angry about this" ,etc.
Hopefully he will come to the realization on his own that he is over the top on this one.
Deb - I've always said that in my home, MEN are from Venus and WOMEN are from Mars. I say this because some of the cliches about man-woman communication are switched in my house. A big one is the cliche that a woman complains about something and just wants her partner to validate her feelings, while the man wants to jump in with solutions and analysis to "fix" it. In my house, the roles are reversed - and it sounds like, in this interaction, your roles are too.
I never used to understand why my H would get more upset when I started to analyze something he was complaining about - or worse yet, accuse me of not supporting him if I pointed out, ever so gently, that there might be two sides to a particular story. Now I understand he really just wants me to validate his feelings. There might come a better opportunity to talk about the specifics, but it is NOT when he is venting.
Thanks Dawn and Ellie, for pointing that out to me, yes, you're right, H does need to just vent some right now. and I KNOW that he's not "up" for rationalizations from me. I know that. I just gotta stamp it deep into my brain and as you say, validate his feelings. I've always felt that is one thing that I've done that's worked well with him, you see, I'm convinced he grew up in a home where certain feelings were absolutely forbidden....
Last night when he got home from work, I had passed out - literally- in bed and not taken care of the animals; I had dreamed that I did, so weird. H was angry and upset about that, but calmed down and we sat and talked for about an hour.
Now, the reason I passed out is, I miss read the dosing instructions and took a double dose of prescription cough syrup. That stuff worked like a charm for sleep. I guess it's a good thing I finally broke down and went to the Dr., I have a sinus infection, pneumonia, AND and "influenza-like" virus. She did a screen for "flu" which came up negative, but she said they are about 30% false negative and she thinks that's what it is. So, anyhow, I'm ordered home from work for the week, have antibiotics, cough syrup, 3 different kinds of breathing treatments, and still feel like crap. I think I'm a tiny bit better today, so that's encouraging.
H was warmer when he got home from work tonight, asked if he should bring S to class, I told him I could and it would do me good to get out for a while, so he said ok. talked about work, I told him I miss the "fun" we have when we both feel well, and he said he did too, "but we'll get back there".
Right now I feel so lousy, I think I'm doing good to just let things lie and not stir them up into a firey frenzy. I was so down last night, and wanted, frankly, sympathy from H, which he didnt seem to have to give. best I could do was crawl under the covers and stay there, which I managed to do. As I said, H is warmer tonight, so maybe that's the way to handle it.
I told S that I have a hard time not obsessing about "stuff" when I feel so crappy. S commented that "I really think things are pretty good mom, it's not at all like back when he couldnt make eye contact with any of us and complained about being sick ALL the time". Interesting observations from a kid, obviously he picks up on the same "vibes" I do.
Wish me luck guys, I just gotta keep the blankets over my head until I can think straight again.
Okay, a little deceitful - but let her wonder if she passes by the car. She's been a witch, so no reason not to play with her mind a bit.
, and that's why H is so volatile, plus if this inner-working manipulative deal is working as he promised ow it would work, looks like he's got a lot of face to lose. I just hope and pray he doesnt get his butt fired in the process. he is so volatile right now, it's just irrational.