Quote: I don't disagree with NOP's moral stance, but I do disagree, once again, with his advice. I think the fact that he is so HD sort of gives him a blindspot which allows him to believe that HDW will find success by treating their LDH's like LDW.
I don't have a problem with disagreement.
What I do find offensive is that rather than point out *how* you disgree with the opinion, you instead used a verbal shiv to discount *him* based on his openness about his/our past.
It stands to reason that we all offer our opinions which are going to be colored by our personality, our current life, our past.
Quote: . I agree that GEL is doing the right thing by being more affectionate with her H but I also believe that there is a definite limit to taking this approach with a man, even a very LD man.
I know that one of the assertions I have heard repeatedly by many of the men posting here is that they miss receiving affection from their wives. Reading sociological literature shows that affection is usually listed as one of the basic human needs. How that affection is expressed will have to be modulated to fit into each relationship.
Perhaps you perceive affection as something clingy and cuddly and it can often be expressed that way. But I think the base of affection is actually regard, attachment, and tenderness of heart toward another person. How that actually gets expressed can vary.
I think Jenny's point is that increased affection doesn't necessarily "soften" up a guy towards lovemaking in the same way that it might for an LDW.
The only way that affection leads to sex, in my home, is if that affection directly stimulates him and causes him to get hard. Otherwise, he just eats it up for what it is--tenderness of heart towards another person. Very well put, btw!
Quote: I think Jenny's point is that increased affection doesn't necessarily "soften" up a guy towards lovemaking in the same way that it might for an LDW.
I don't think that my showing my H the type of affection he needs is necessarily going to warm him up towards lovemaking directly...BUT...I do see how meeting this need can lead to the feeling of being cared for & loved...and that in turn can alter how he feels about ML. I'm already seeing this in him.
But I emphasize again...that "affection" can vary from person to person.
Quote: I think Jenny's point is that increased affection doesn't necessarily "soften" up a guy towards lovemaking in the same way that it might for an LDW.
In my experience, increased expressions of affection in a broken relationship are mostly annoying and treated with suspicion and avoidance behaviors.
From reading here, many of the HDHs have attempted expressions of affection toward their LDWs only to see it hit an impenetrable wall. So, I don't know what, if any difference there might be between genders and how they receive/perceive affection.
(With spring springing and my garden thumb itching), I see affection as a relationship fertilizer. Throwing it on a weedy bed isn't going to get you a bed of flowers. And if there is one lonely flower in there strugging, the weeds will overwhelm it. Relationships, like the flower bed, have to be rid of a portion of the weeds, or at least have some sort of anti-weed program going on before there will be much benefit to the flower from the fertilizer.
Affection, in marriages that have more pluses than minuses, is just the outward expression of the care, respect, *enjoyment* that you have inside for your spouse.
Does that mean that being the recepient of affection will make your spouse horny? No. What it does is cause your spouse's heart to be turned toward you in a positive way.
