Just thought I'd try to keep a positive spin going for some of those out there who need the encouragement
Things are still going pretty well in the Mr & Mrs Lassie household. Nope, not boinking like bunnies on a regular basis yet...but I feel that time growing nearer and nearer.
Sunday evening, I had a bit of a confusing time. I've been trying to sit back and give him the opportunity to come to me first for awhile now. Yes, I've tried this approach in the past and it didn't work...but time has gone by, improvements in our R have been made, so I thought perhaps when I did that before it wasn't the right time....so try, try, try again
Anyway....Sunday evening we were watching tv in bed and my H was being affectionate (in his own way). I tried not to push and nothing really sexual ended up happening, but I did get a very nice backrub which in the past my H just simply would not have done on his own, without my prompting. This time he even put some effort into it for me, rather than giving me the half-hearted, one-handed, barely touching me type of a backrub.
Yesterday while we were chatting about everyday stuff he interuppted me and said "by the way I just wanted to let you know I was really horney last night, I wanted to have sex....but my head was just killing me!"
Now to some of you that may sound like a cop-out for sex...and if he had told me that the night before I probably would have thought the same thing. HOWEVER! Both of us really do suffer from allergies and he had been suffering quite a bit lately (me too w/his snoring)....so I truly could buy that he had a bad headache.
The big thing for him is that, this is now the 1st time he's told me something like this (yes we've been having lots of 1sts lately), he actually shared it with me. In the past he would have kept that info to himself, and I would have been left feeling out in the cold, frustrated and angry that my H doesn't find me appealing (when he does, I just don't know it.) So for him this is a major step, and for me too.
I told him that I really appreciated him telling me because just knowing that information made me feel good. But I also told him, "well I was wondering if you were horney, but I really couldn't tell by what you were doing....so part of me wanted to push things, but the other part of me thought...no, don't push. I couldn't really tell if you were trying to initiate something or just being affectionate." This time the response I received was "no, I was just being affectionate, I promise you won't have to guess when I am initiating." That got a big grin from me
He's now sitting by me more to snuggle on the couch watching tv....I make more of an effort to snuggle with him in bed because he likes that. I still am not able to snuggle when sleeping, I just get too warm....so I make sure to be more concious of snuggling when we're just doing something like watching tv.
I started thinking about MY own behavior when it came to "snuggling" and realized....because I wasn't getting what I needed from him physically...I may have unintentionally been witholding a physical need of his too. Of course I wasn't witholding sex, but I was withholding a physical contact he does need/enjoy.
I usually think I'm a pretty together, intelligent lady...and most of the time I am. It just amazes me how I completely missed this behavior on my part. I truly thought I was doing everything I possibly could to meet his needs....but yet, I COMPLETELY missed this very important one! DOH!
Anyway...things are still going well....still improving....still moving forward.
Sounds awesome! I'm so happy for you and for your H. Your communication sounds so good; I hope it continues.
One thing I had to promise my H was that he could divulge those "I'm horny but.." statements and I promised I wouldn't either try to get him to shake off the headache, or be disbelieving. (which is exactly what I would have done in the past) I still hear a little hesitancy in his voice, as if he's not sure how I will react to his Declaration of Horny-pendence but it gets better all the time.
Congrats!
Now, it's Easter so I fully expect you will be going at it like bunnies this weekend. No excuses, Miss.
I'm hoping that we can...my folks will be in town and staying with us...but the guest bedroom is across the house from us...so it shouldn't hinder us LOL
I believe he's working his way up to telling me things like that in the moment, rather than the day after. But just the fact that he thought to disclose it was pretty important to me
Go GEL! GO--Mr. GEL!! That is such good news. You guys are such an inspiration. There are those of us who can only hope for such realizations from our spouse...or in my case, the level of understanding exhibited by you, GEL!
It's not just MY understanding that is getting us to this point though. I've also had to take a REALLY close look at my own behaviors...that can be a bit painful sometimes.
Generally, it is the female that needs non-sexual affection before sex, and the male sees affection as a prelude to sex, but those roles are sometimes seen reversed (as in your case), or in mixed proportions. Regardless, it is a good general rule.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey Lassie, Nopkin's comments reminded me of something else. For some reason I have a terrible time remembering to give affection to my H. I have a baaaaaad habit of waiting for him to come to me--because he always has??..I don't know. Anyway, in November I made a list of goals and at the very top of the list was XO, standing for hugs and kisses of course. All of the list is in shorthand so that he doesn't know what it is, but this one's pretty obvious. By now, it is habit for me to do this and I would say I initiate about 50% of the affection in our house, which is a huge improvement over how it used to be.
Last weekend I hugged H and told him how good he felt to hug. I said, A while back you asked me to give more affection..so how am I doing?
I gotta tell you, I was expecting him to then extol the virtues of his affectionate wife. His response surprised me. He said, You're doing better. !! I said, You mean it's still not enough? I had no idea! I'll try to do more..I was just trying to not smother you, is all. He backpedaled a bit and started making excuses, for me, about the kids and whatnot, but I said No I will try to do more..I guess I just didn't realize how much you liked it!
So then I began experimenting..now this was a little difficult this last week because the kids had rotavirus and were sick sick sick little girls. (Babypot was spared, thank you God) But at one point, I decided to rub his shoulders a bit. He loved it! So I made a mental note that he is in need of general affection and not just x's and o's. He wants physical affection that babies or pampers him.
Now, this is a bit tricky for me since he is a dyed in the wool PITA. Just last night I tried to hug him and he was freaking OUT. Ahhh, it tickles, ahhhh stop...etc. Half the time he is too hot, or ticklish, or he just plain old doesn't feel like it. But that will not stop me from trying or paying closer attention to times when he does seem to be liking it.
Also, and I swear this is the last thing lol, I have found with him that his words are NOT reflective of what's going on inside his noggin. I may ask him if he wants a backrub and he says no. Now a normal person would think, Ok he doens't want one. What I've discovered with H is that he (half the time) wants me to pursue him and insist on it. The other half he is really telling the truth. But I figure that I will just pursue him anyway until he learns to tell me the truth the first time. This sounds a little aggressive and counterproductive, but it has good results in encouraging him to practice speaking truthfully about his needs. So I will continue!
Anyway, the point of this long mesg was to say that you might want to make some goals and post them where you'll see them and remember them. I know how distracting kids can be and I can't imagine an 18 mo old whirlwind of a baby boy.
For me, I will tweak my original list to include things like a backrub, or foot massage, or...or....well, see there, I'm already drawing a blank. Nonsexual affection...that doesn't include hugs or kisses (which he's become accustomed to and is getting spoiled ) help me out if you think of something else.
xo to you, and don't tell me you're getting sick of me too.
You know...I would easily have told someone else that naturally affection leads to more....and I honestly thought I was pulling my weight in that....until I really stopped to realize the following: I was choosing what type of physical affection to give him, I wasn't actually giving him the affection he needed.
I thought I was doing pretty well and meeting him more than halfway, I think we all fall into this, but I wasn't. I was still falling into the trap of doing what "I" would perceive as affectionate physcial touch, which is not what he perceives affectionate physical touch to be.
NOP's you're absolutely correct....I truly do have a manly husband, but he and I are flip-flopped in several areas, this is definitely one of them. I can only sit back and imagine the frustration my H must feel when he sees me sitting there snuggling our S. On one hand he probably really enjoys the picture of his W & S sitting lovingly together; on the other hand he's probably thinking "why won't she do that with me?!"
So...Honeypot (I do already kind of have my own list going, and no I won't get sick of you )...this is going to the TOP of it. I know I can do this, it's just like you...I need to be aware to do it MORE.
So...that's the homework I've given myself. Eventually I won't have to think about it, and it will become habit for me.
