It has taken very nearly 18 months since I initially brought the problem up to my H. 9-mo after I first brought it up I put my foot down and insisted we seek out professional help in the way of a counselor. The counselor was able to do what I could not, and that was to get him to see how self-destructive his behavior towards me had become. Our initial C referred him to the therapist he saw from June up until 2-months ago, who we recently discovered wasn't really doing us any good (he concentrated on bio-feedback and my H just didn't speak up that he was uncomfortable with this.) As of this last month we have been seeing a C together, who we both really like, and who he is very comfortable with.
However during this entire time I have continued to talk, ask questions, talk some more, be empathetic, tell him what I need clearly, tell him what I am still not receiving from him that I still need....and be patient. I also had to work on my own behavior and realize that I hadn't been communicating clearly to him. I had been doing a dance around his feelings/ego in order not to hurt him...which in turn only ended up with me using euphamisms and not being clear in my communication to him. I feel I was fortunate going into this whole process to know that the changes that were going to be required of both of us were going to take time...and I had no idea how much/little time it would require. I found it VERY helpful for me to concentrate, recognize, and validate the small improvements and efforts he would make. I've learned to view those efforts as achievements and progress and signs that he loves me...which is exactly what they were/are.
#2 Did you rely on any self help other than SSM?
Well, yes...my instincts & this BB (which by the way EVERYONE, you have been soooo very helpful!) My gut told me there was much more at play than just the fact that my H had a nearly non-existent libido. He had a past to deal with, he has everyday pressures to deal with, he has conditioning to deal with.
I am a very analytical person, so I have a tendancy to try to view problems from every angle...which can be both a blessing and a curse. I found I often tried to put myself in my H's shoes, to try to see things from his perspective. So far I've found that while I've been wrong about some of my conclusions where he's been concerned, I've actually been correct the majority of the time. So trust your instincts....but squash that little monster called "pride" that rattles on in your head. You know the one that keeps saying "why can't he/she just do it!" "Why do I have to do all the work!" That pesky little pain in the butt is so very destructive!
I guess the main thing I've learned...and am still learning, is that if you love your spouse...and you want your marriage to work, you can't give up on them. You've got to be persistent & consistent....and just when you think you cannot do this one more day....try again!
I hope something out of that rambling comes in useful for you
Yes, I can glean a few pearls from that post. Thank you and please stick around for those of us who haven't arrived yet. FWIW, hearing BTDT from someone who hit the goal will help with the frustration and likely discouragement.
FWIW, we aren't "there" yet. We are just well on our way, so I'm not going anywhere. I guess you could say...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train!
Something I was thinking about on my way in to work this morning, but I forgot to mention yesterday is this....
A few months back I realized that while I was trying to get my H to understand "what" I was feeling, so he could see where I was coming from and understand my pain better...I also realized that what I was really doing was trying to get HIM to feel what I was feeling. That simply was never going to happen...we come from different poles on this issue, he couldn't "feel" what I was feeling. Because even if he had gone through similar circumstances as what I found myself in...there was no way I could really know he'd feel the same way about it that I do. I guess you could say I realized I was putting myself through hell for no reason. This excercise in futility did nothing to help my patience/empathy levels whatsoever, in fact I believe my resentment level rose during that time.
So...how do you get out of that cycle? You have to accept that you are dealing with someone who has their own feelings/ways of thinking/and perspectives...just because you think/feel in a specific way...doesn't mean they would react the same way in the same circumstances.
If you find yourself in this cycle you have to break out of it if you can. How do you do that? I think that may be different for each of us...for me I literally had to remind myself.."he isn't me!"
That was a bit of a ramble...but I had these thoughts bouncing around in my head this morning...and just had to get them out.
Awwww Green I am so happy for you!! Your post made me cry today. I am soooo emotional today. That is so great and I hope it only continues to get better!!
You spread so much positive energy and sunshine on this BB, and its really nice to hear of your happiness. I hope things come together for you and H really fast.
Julie - who has danced to the Wiggles on occassion herself!
