HD...glad you checked in...miss your humor here. That's very impt, to have validation of your perceptions, considering that W is so intelligent. Unfortunatley intelligence doesn't correlate with emotional vulnerability.
It is kind of a strange experience to be told that you are "right" but that esentially it is in your spouse's corner. My crazy C said the same thing about H in terms of "issues with women." She offered me no suggestions for myself other than the validation that H would need to come to terms with some things for us to move forward. Ooh boy. Now we aren't seeing her nor anyone else and the M lurches along in it's "pretty candy coating on a stale Easter egg." It sure is stale for me anyway.
I am glad to hear you in a positive mindset. I'm glad you have some support. Keep at it. I hope your W can start to hear the C - isn't it funny how things sound different coming from an authority figure rather than our spouse?
Well, at least you KNOW for sure, from a professional that what you had thought is real. So now the wind blowing can begin. Be strong man, we all know you can. Who knows what the C will say to your W in her one on one, right?
I know what you mean...last week when I went to our new C, after she'd had a chance to speak with my H...I was soooo relieved to find much of my suspicions about why he does what he does were well-founded, and probably fixable with work.
It is nice to be validated by someone you trust in that manner!!!
GEL: Yes, the validation is nice. Especially since I had NOTHING to do with choosing this particular counselor. I left that up to my wife. At least she can't say I was stacking the deck.
CeMar: The rough road ahead consists of challenging my W's assumptions that there is nothing wrong with her, that she doesn't need to compromise, that I am the one who is broken.
HP: The MC had given my W an assignment of being more physical with me (hugs, touches, kisses) and me the corresponding assignment of not taking these physical moves and trying to escalate them into sex (no problem there, I haven't dared to do that for months). Unfortunately, W took my little episode of lying about the dog pills to determine that she didn't want to touch me. We'll take it up at the next session, no doubt.
The MC and I were talking about how to approach W with the fact that she needs to learn how to compromise and she said, "Isn't it interesting that W, who considers herself the strong one, has to be approached so delicately, and you, who is considered the weak one, accept all suggestions about improvement so easily and openly?"
My W, the strong one, is probably very insecure, which is why she needs to set up all these defenses and artifices to draw attention away from her faults.
HD, I've always found that most mean people (or those with mean streaks) are insecure and terribly afraid of being found out to have weaknesses.
What I'm not so sure about is how to deal with these types of people. Expose them with irrefutable proof that they do indeed have weaknesses? Play the game with them that they are flawless? What?
Good luck to you and I hope that the MC addresses this with her soon. If we all only had to live up to our marital obligations when the other person was deserving there wouldn't be many intact marriages. How many times am I deserving of my husband's love? Not many. How many times does he give it to me anyway--that's how you quantify LOVE.
Quote: That's where my superpower of explosive flatulence should come in handy.
There is a description of The Perfect Day For a Man where the end of the day is a 22 second fart with several note changes that causes the dog to leave the room. And then falling asleep laughing.
