street, clinical, or cutesy language. My W has no trouble saying "sex." I put "passion" in quotes, because she would see a man using that word as a euphemism for "sex." There is so much more to passion than just sex.
I don't know what language my W would prefer. She has told me that she will almost always say "no" if I come outright and ask if she'd like to ML, or like to fool around, or anything I come out and ask. On those infrequent times when we do ML, it is not talked about...I just start touching her.
Hairy, I had the same reaction to my enneagram type! My first reaction was, Oh man 7's are dipsh*ts, that figures.
After reading for a while I started to feel defensive and thought, Well, if it wasn't for me we'd live a booooring lifestyle so it's not all bad. etc
But my first thought was <cringe>...is that really me? But of course I know it is.
In fact, I was thinking the other day about how organized my house is. This is a bit of a miracle since I am anything but inclined towards organization, and I realized it's because I try so hard to compensate and conceal the fact that I am a screwball at heart. I have 'spots' for almost everything, or I'd surely lose it all. And so on. I think my H appreciates that I make these efforts, although he realizes that it is sorta false and it's not really that I've changed for the better..just found ways around my natural shortcomings. (wish I could do it for all of em, but so far I'm too lazy to attack something that monumental)
Anyway, chin up, my friend. My chosen and beloved H is a six. I find them rather sixy.
I had the same reaction. The grass is always greener on the other side, eh?
I think part of the reason I have this love/hate relationship with my 8ness is because the two people I love most and who have the most influence on me have had some negative reactions to it.
My mom is the quintessential 2. For the most part, she is a very high functioning 2. When my son was born, she came to help me and would actually spend nights bringing him to me just to breastfeed and keep him in between so I could get some sleep. She is an amazing woman, and has always tried to instill some of her 2ness into me, and of course it never took, lol! Still, somewhere deep down, I am a 2-wannabe.
And then there is my H, who is the quintessential 9. He is generally the serene type (except when he gets PA with me), and while he admires my drive and passion, he also wishes I would stop wanting 'more'.
Maybe the trick for all of us is to accept who we are and work on growing into a better version of ourselves, instead of trying to change into something we aren't. Boy, I'm all philosophical this am!
Quote: Maybe the trick for all of us is to accept who we are and work on growing into a better version of ourselves, instead of trying to change into something we aren't.
This is the key, Julie. In fact, the Riso and Hudson book has a section toward the end called "Recommendations" which contains ... uh ... recommendations, for each type.
Julie, I have been having the same thoughts. There is a part of me that I don't like, and this corresponds to the part of me that my mother and my H don't like about me. They both would prefer( in different ways) that I be more "out there" and rahrah-ish. I always felt more of a kindred spirit with my dad who really likes my depth and views of the world. I know my H appreciates me...he is always calling and checking in to see what I have to say about things, but my feeling is he'd rather have more of a type 7 wife. I'm not throwing a pity party because I realize that there are parts of H I'd like to change and I haven't reach a point of total acceptance of who he is.
How much do you change to become the person your partner wants you to be? I don't want to lock myself in my 4ishness to prove a point, nor do I want to change to be something I am not. It's something of a balancing act. I guess I want to be able to talk to him about these issues...that creates intimacy for me. But beyond that, I want to feel his love and acceptance, quirks and all...and I need to provide that for H and for myself as well.
Journey, don’t underestimate your H’s attraction to who you are. I think we all pick partners based on some traits that draw us to them, even though we spend a lot of time trying to change them. Your H is drawn to your depth, just as mine is drawn to my fire.
I think we cannot really change into what our partner wants us to be. All that does is breed resentment. What we can do is grow into people that can offer their partners what they want from a position of inner strength, integrity and love instead of insecurity and resentment. Its back to the PM principles.
I too have a part of me that I don’t like. I have a lot of drive, ambition and passion. I have the capacity to become ruthless and brash. Both my mother and my H have correctly assessed this about me. I sense their disapproval, and this is what causes my ambivalence about myself. As the years go by, I have been realizing that there is nothing wrong with drive or ambition, if they are put to good use, and I operate from a position of strength and kindness rather than selfishness. This is true of all my relationships, professional and personal. The road to achieving that kind of potential is ahead is still long, though. In the meantime, you are right - it is all a balancing act.
Julie, I would take this one step further and say that if I suddenly morphed into what H thinks he would like better, he'd actually not have much interest in that person.
Let's say I suddenly became as interested in religion as he..what spark would there be between us when discussing it? What about me would interest him and challenge him?
He told me the other day that I keep him fresh (in regards to my arguing with him about spiritual matters--understand that this is more of a debate than an argument) because he is forced to refine and perfect his ideas before presenting them to me. Cause he knows I'll inevitably have feelings that are a 180 from his, lol.
In the same respect, I often find it infuriating that he will devote so much time to making sure our house is perfect instead of spending time with me but if he didn't do that, I'd be just as unhappy cause then I'd live with a lot of chaos.
So it is the very things that he doesn't like about me and I don't like about him, that keep it interesting and "passionate". To me, the thought of him becoming more palatable to me is a very un-passionate concept. I need his difference in order to keep me stoked up and challenged by this R. That keeps things fresh and interesting and keeps me in love with him. This may be my 7-ness though, who knows if he feels the same way!
Honey
THANK HEAVEN FOR SEVENS, are ya with me Jenny?!?!
Sorry for the hijack Hairy, I've had too much coffee today and somehow managed to get all THREE of my children asleep at the same time. Life is good, brutha man.
Quote: THANK HEAVEN FOR SEVENS, are ya with me Jenny?!?!
I'm with you on the it's good to be a seven thing, but that's probably only because sevens always do think they're special .
I gotta say though, I can't get aboard with the notion that I am naturally attracted to LD men. If I was single and looking again, I would run screaming at the first hint of LD in any guy I dated. I want the guy who wants it 3x a day with a real woman so I can be the LD one for a change.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Had the one on one with the MC yesterday. She basically supported the following statements: 1. W points the blame at me for the problems in our marriage because she is unwilling to admit to herself that she is failing in her obligations to the relationship. 2. W is incredibly intelligent, but lacks insight. 3. I have to stop catering to her, start being assertive, start regaining my personal integrity. 4. W is unwilling to compromise, but moreso, is unwilling to admit that she is unwilling to compromise. 5. W needs to stop treating me like crap.
This is all stuff I suspected, thought about, but wasn't sure if I was right about (despite the opinions and advice on the BB and some other friends telling me I was right), until the MC validated it. The SSM Board people and my friends know me, but none of you had heard W's side, or met her. The MC has, and her validation, for that reason, means SO much.
She didn't think the marriage was doomed, but thinks that about all I can do at this point (besides working on my assertiveness issues) is be a "persistent wind" blowing at W, blowing toward change. That's where my superpower of explosive flatulence should come in handy.
How do I feel about this? Relieved, but frustrated, and stressed all the same. A lot of work to do. But it's nice to know I won't have to deal with it all by myself.
