I am a big person on telling the truth. I have lied in my R and it makes me ill to think about it now. I remember one time early in our M I had gone to a friend's house to watch the temperment testing of some puppies. We had dibs on one of them. We only had the one dog at the time. I took the one dog with me. It was snowing/sleeting and I had to go about an hour and 15 away from home. He stayed in the van (he had a cozy coat to wear) but H takes better care of the dogs than he does me most of the time. He was a FF then and was not home that night. Next morning he asked me what I had done with the dog, left him home all that time. I at first just said yeah, knowing that if he thought I took him with me he would be pissed, but right after I said that, I told him that was not true. That he had his coat on and I had gone out several times and sat with him with the heat on. Believe me that dog did not suffer. I really thought he would be pissed at me for doing that, but he just accepted it.
So glad we have such smart people on here like you and the NOPs, JJ, GEL, and anyone else I missed
Quote: You are married to a person who expects perfection--and uses her anger and hostile personality to keep you in line
This is the essence of the Enneagram One (the worst side of them). They want to be perfect and cannot tolerate imperfection in anyone else. I don't think any other Enneagram position would have come down on you so hard.
Personally I have never held Truth as the highest value. I make decisions on whether I think a person has the right to know something, whether telling the absolute truth will hurt or help the situation, etc.
Labeling what you did a LIE in all caps is painting the sitch with too broad a brush... to me she is accusing you of being untrustworthy, of being deceitful, of deliberately and maliciously concealing from her facts that she needs to know for her very survival, of trying to destroy her and your relationship, and on and on.
The dog pill thing-- the pills were right there in her hand. You said you pilled them. Two seconds later she knew you didn't. If you had wanted to deceive her and conceal the truth from her, you would have opened then new pills, taking out three... and thrown them away! Aha! I would defy her to find out then!!
See what I'm getting at. She's being a One on a Rampage, nailing you for minor transgressions, proving that you are sooooo imperfect that a perfect person like her cannot trust you ever.
Remember what I said about my friend, "You would trust him with your life, but you wouldn't trust him to return a library book on time?" You told her you pilled the dogs because you didn't want her to be mad. And yes you sabotaged yourself and made it worse. AND you made it worse by not apologizing immediately. But this was not the Crime of the Century and does not mean you need to go to Relationship Death Row. Im sure she would trust you with her life (as I would or probably anyone on this board), but we might not trust you to pill our dogs.
The One has this unique ability to make mountains out of molehills and then convince everyone they are big enough to go skiing on! Don't let her do a snowjob on you [sic].
Wow, lillie... you really nailed that. I've been thinking on these lines this morning really hard. Here's some more thoughts: 1. When she asked me, she ALREADY knew the answer, so she was trying to trap me in a lie...which she did. 2. This is a continuation of the teacher/student or mother/child dynamic which we have both recognized as damaging to the relationship.
I totally agree on this one. I think she knows you will fall for this, hence, once again, she is in control of just about everything. Where is her part in the damaging of your R? Does the counselor bring this up at all?
Sure, she set you up. But you told a lie and fell into the trap. She was wrong to intentionally set out to trap you, but you were wrong as well.
You don't have any control over her, but you DO have control over yourself. She was wrong and really should apologize to you, but you have no control over that. You can't correct her problems, but you can address yours. YOU were wrong and YOU should apologize.
Don't fall on your sword. Don't go overboard sucking up to make up for your error. Just a simple and honest apology. I was wrong. I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me?
Make sure that you ask her for forgiveness. That's VERY important. It puts the ball into her court. She doesn't have to answer you, but in her heart of hearts (assuming that she has one) she will know that she either has to forgive you or she'll have to justify holding this against you in the face of of honest, no-nonsense contrition. That's also the primary motivation for keeping it simple. If there's no hedging, no excuses, and no wiggle room, she can't dismiss it. Just make sure you're really sorry. If you're not, she'll know.
The C is bringing things up slowly to W, which is the right way to do it, which is one reason I like this C so much. Her last assignment, during our joint session, was for W to show more affection to me, which I think she has failed to do.
It's absolutely amazing to me how a good C can work. I experienced this myself with our initial C (who we wish we could have kept)...when she worked the conversation around to where my H actually said him self what he was doing....and after the words came out of his mouth and he heard them...DING! DING! DING! The light came on.
LP - kuddos to you for introducing that fact. I believe you are right on the money. I started to "quote" you but then realized I was picking the ENTIRE REPLY!!!!!!!!
The assignment was for W to show more affection to you...... did the C say what kind of affection? Is it possible that your W's idea of affection and your idea of it varies? Or..... has she not shown ANY kind of affection, her defination or yours?
