Quote: I'm going to throw this out there and I don't care if I get flamed. I sometimes think that LDH's are just passive-aggressive versions of guys who cheat on their wives with other women.
I agree. Totally.
This is why I now beleive MB is destructive. I've been cheating on my wife with myself. She's been cheated so I can satisfy myself selfishly.
She would have gotten sex 2-3 times a week if I hadn't been sneaking around.
She never called me on it or connected the dots (hell she never CAUGHT me). But she was losing out. Now I'm getting ready to try to fight the opposite battle and get her to stop. If we're both on the same sheet of music, and if we both lack an easier outlet, things should be repaired. Famously.
But you're right. We're both cheating on each other and fantisising about people who aren't our spouse in the process. It's unhealthy, independnat activity that contributes to the breakdown of the marriage. It took a threat of divorce for me to examine and discover for myself what was really going on.
Quote: She never called me on it or connected the dots (hell she never CAUGHT me).
For years, I thought my H's LD was mainly due to depression and it was therefore physically non-existent. When I pressed him for reasons, he would frequently blame it on me for being overweight. When I finally discovered he was actually MB to porn quite frequently rather than having sex with me I was finally motivated to take action on the issue. It amazed me that he actually was surprised that I was MB too, after all I was the one who was initiating sex and being turned down.
I consider myself to be a CWW (circling warily wife) now. When I first joined this BB, I was a CAWW (crawling away weeping wife). I actually had to work my way up to WAW status. If my H sticks to his promise of sex twice weekly, I may start taking some baby steps back towards him. This morning I actually started having a couple warm, fuzzy thoughts about him but then I felt like I might start crying because for me in the past loving my H=rejection and pain and so I put my nice protective suit of anger back on and went back to my wary circling mode.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Remember when Michelle says to start with a beginer's mind and tells the story of the dot on the chalk board?
Sometimes I try to think of what 15 year old Mr. Fixit would say to 32 year old Mr. Fixit if the two could have a beer together. 15 y/o Fixit wouldn't mind drinking his warm out of the trunk of a car, but 32 y/o Fixit would insist on properly chilled microbrew.
15 y/o fixit would be incredulous at 32 y/o fixit. He would say "Are you crazy? you have a hot chick with big tits who will let you bang her every day in your bed at night? And you MB instead? What's wrong with you? And why do you keep asking her for BJs when she lets you actually screw her?"
After 15 y/o fixit kicked 32 y/o fixit's ass, 32 y/o fixit would just be left with a dumb, confused looking expression on his face....
Why WOULD you have chosen that all these years? What WERE you thinking?
Cause there had to be a reason. Aside from selfish idiocy, what else was going on? Did you not feel close to your wife for some reason? Was she not meeting your needs in some way?
See, I have this theory I've been flamed for, on this board. It goes like this: Sometimes the LD partner is LD because their needs are not being met, and sometimes the person is LD because they are being a turd.
I do believe that my H had needs that weren't being met but I don't believe these were the source of his LD-ness. I think it caused a small amount of unhappiness and the rest of his LD-ness was Turdish in origin.
I know how this sounds. Believe me, I'm aware that I'm coming off as a horrifying witch of a wife. But aside from laughing at the turd reference, he would heartily agree with everything I wrote.
However, I am curious to know why you and KEB would turn--repeatedly now, not just now and then--to yourself for sexual gratification instead of your wives?
This baffles me.
I hope you know this is not an attack or a whack..I'm just curious. As Jenny correctly noted, MrHP doesn't masturbate so it is a nonissue in my home. However, if I found out that this was the source of his LD, I'd be mad as a wet hen.
Hey Fixit, I had another thought: Does it have to do with novelty?
That is, would Fixit15 have been covetous of the real live woman cause all he had was porn and the Fixit32 covetous of the porn cause he was (somewhat) sick of the real live woman next to him?
Novelty is a big thing with my H. He never asks for anything new but he responds to me when there is something new. HOWEVER, it is only for that one time. The next time it has lost its luster. This, as you can imagine, is a hard framework for me to work with because I can only be novel so many times. Throw in his piety (and the many things that are 'off limits') and I'm frequently stumped.
Anyway, I was just curious as to what effect boredom has on an LD man's drive.
I think the simple answer to the question of why a man would prefer the sexual activity of a 15 year old boy is that the man longs to be a 15 year old boy again. The reason why a man would long to be a 15 year old boy again is a 15 year old boy has no responsibilities like having to work at a job, help with kids and housework or meet the sexual needs of his wife.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
cally: Reason 3....he has this wife that would love to fulfill his fantasies. Who is a healthy sexual woman. Cares about his needs and is kinky and loves everything about sex. Guys would love to have a wife like this. How is it that life is so unfair, mismatching people in this way, and the reverse?
Seriously, though, and I haven't found your thread explaining how you got to where you are, you must have thought you and your H were compatible when you got M. What happened to change that? Could there be something else involved besides HD vs LD?
For starters, make no mistake about it, Fixit15, or at least fixit16 (when he had a car) did pretty well for himself. rockin' bod, popular friends and many willing girls (BJs readily available- sex, no so much). The prospect of a girl getting naked, sleeping getting into the same bed and willingly offering sex would just be beyond his belief. Although, speaking of novelty, fixit16 had a SERIOUS problem with cheating on his girlfriends. In fact, Fixit's wife may be the first girl fixit did not cheat on...
So, maybe there's something to be said for novelty.
But overall, I think it's a complex question. I can try to give you the answer, but so much has changed recently that I'm not sure I know the answers to a lot of questions anymore.
My best guess has to to do with timing. I usually engaged in MB in the morning, sometimes during the day. Sex with W was exclusively a night time activity. And it had to occur before "it was too late to ask for sex" So I guess it was just easier and less trouble. I was too lazy to put the effort into it? sort of like I could cook myself a great dinner every night, but I usually just eat microwave food (which isn't as good) because it takes less effort to deal with.
I know ignorance is no excuse, but some of it may have had to do with me not realizing it was a problem. I didn't really start thinking about my relationship until after the bomb. Since then I’ve been VERY reflective. Probably too late, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to maintain a relationship (whether with my wife or with whoever comes next). It was just beyond my comprehension that my wife would threaten to leave me. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing: earning a paycheck and manning the barbeque on the weekends. I have no idea why I didn’t think about how my wife was feeling. I was happy with the marriage, I guess I figured she was, too.
Again, I didn’t think about it much, but I guess I just figured sex was a hassle for her and it interfered with television time. Remember, we had to go to bed early (and forego some television) to have sex on time. Also, she wasn’t overtly begging for it, either. She has since identified subtle signals, but I didn’t pick up on them. Gauging against my close friends, MB and infrequent sex was normal.
There’s also the “it’s always available” mentality. An analogy: when I lived in NYC, I never went to the top of the WTC. It’s always available, no reason to take a special trip to go there. Maybe later if someone visits from out of town. Well, now it’s gone and I’ll never get to see the view from the top. Until it was attacked, however, it was nothing particularly special. I think sex with wife fell into the same category. Hmmm... why miss a re-run of CHiPs tonight when I can always have sex tomorrow night?
So, yes, it was because I was an ungrateful turd. I have no idea why, beyond that fact that I didn’t foresee the consequences of my actions. And I was lazy. I wish I knew all along what I know now...
All-- Re-reading my post from yesterday and found the following mistake!
Quote: Those books on relationships are marketed to US...besides, reading about relationship problems = "less of a man" because we can't "do it" right...so we need help.
That should be "...are NOT marketed to US..." That's all. My replied needed some clarification!!
