KEBall wrote -------- ...she made it know that she is still hanging on the "gay" issue. Something, somewhere has convinced her that I'm unhappy because that's who I really am. I explained once again...that it's NOT me but could feel that I was beating dead horse. Her mind is made up and it's a nice excuse to cling to for her. ----------
K, Recently I decided that having conflict discussions with my W was not making me a better person so I decided I needed to get a life. I had lunch 1X a week for a month with a fromer male friend. We were auto mechanics in the same shop 20 years ago. For doing that, my W accused me of being gay.
Next I acted on advice from an uncle that was 103 yrs old, yes born in 1901. Uncle said family members were missing out not being friendlier to T. T is very conserative, 70 yr old D female. T calls me to ask a question about her computer and lawn mower. One day I has a service call a couple blocks from her house so I go over to T's house and W accuses me of having the "Hots" for T and that I should live with her. So now I not gay.
To reinforce that I am not gay, I asked W why lori Duh, Fox TV news person, had that "come hither, I want you" look from a females point of view. Was it her smile, her glossy lipstick, was she flirting with everyone to bost ratings, or was it me? ( and thousands of other guys too from the comments she made about her fan mail).
W said now I had the "hots" for some super model. I said I didn't have the "hots for Duh, I said I just wanted to gain some insight why some people are more attractive than others. W often comments that only very good looking women get the news jobs on TV. I just wanted to have W opinion why Duh seemed to attract more attention than the other attractive female news presenters. So now I am gay and "Bi"
Anyway KEBall, spouses have certain fears, hurts, or what ever. They let them out, it's eating them up. SO's say some hurtfull things because they are hurting so much inside. Anything you do or don't do will be commented on for a while. That is the way things go untill some of the anger and resentment disapated.
I agree with both Honeypot and Lou on something. Your W is very likely to be very hurtful towards you right now.
I haven't behaved downright mean towards my H, sure I've been hurt...but I'm able to have empathy towards him too. I know some of what we're experiencing is due to some past experiences of his...that really helps in our situation.
BUUUUUTT! There have been many, many, many times I could barely look at him because I became so angry. Everytime I'd look at him it would remind me of how much he had hurt and was still hurting me. Can you imagine living with someone who won't even look at you? That must have hurt him too.
Anyway...my point is many of her actions right now are probably in some ways our of self-defense, self-presevation if you will. Is it possible she dwells on the gay issue because it might hurt you?
Quote: Anyway...my point is many of her actions right now are probably in some ways our of self-defense, self-presevation if you will. Is it possible she dwells on the gay issue because it might hurt you?
I'd like to chime in here. I doubt that your W is proposing the "You must be gay" theory because she wants to hurt you, KEB. Rather, she may be proposing this theory because it is the simplest theory that explains your behavior. If you're gay, then your lack of desire for her makes sense. If you're gay and you don't know it, your protestations are a symptom of denial. If you're gay, it's not her fault. If you're gay, she is under no obligation to stay with you, or examine her own role in the marriage's problems. Do you see how neatly it ties up all of her emotional loose ends, making it easier for her to walk out the door?
This is why I think it is important for you to tell her that it is not that simple - that you have some issues to work out to make the marriage successful, and they have nothing to do with whether you like girls. What you are doing now by trying to initiate LM looks to her like a deathbed conversion. If she stays with you how does she know that your changes will be permanent? If you admit that you have a problem, and identify it the best you can, she might have more faith that you are capable of change.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
SM wrote ----------- If you're gay, then your lack of desire for her makes sense. If you're gay and you don't know it, your protestations are a symptom of denial. If you're gay, it's not her fault. If you're gay, she is under no obligation to stay with you, or examine her own role in the marriage's problems. -------------
SM that helped me too.
When I first saw 2 guys kissing I almost threw up and W was with me so she should have known how I felt about her accusing me of being gay. Gay or straight is not the issue. Seems being right or letting out the pain is more important than fixing the problems.
I think a good way to deflect from the gay issue would be to bring up the sexual preferences that you said you told her about and she said she wouldn't do. This might make her mad but it might force her to think about whether she's justified in putting such a convenient label on your sexuality. Of course, if your sexual fantasies involve cross-dressing(a lot of straight men have these kinds of fantasies) or anything along those lines this might backfire on you.
Does she know you were viewing pornography? Does she know what kind of pornography you were looking at? I had the gay suspicion about my H for about a minute but spying on his porn habits (some weird sh*t but no boys) pretty much put that theory on the junkheap.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: When I first saw 2 guys kissing I almost threw up and W was with me so she should have known how I felt about her accusing me of being gay.
I've always wondered why most men are so homophobic. Lesbian sex doesn't frighten me and I find it mildly erotic. I'm actually turned on by the thought of two men "doing it" but simultaneously think "what a waste".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't know, but I find the mere idea of two men together to be completely disgusting. I'm not really turned on by lesbian sex, but I don't find it nearly as distasteful as men. I just assumed that it was because I was a man. I also assumed that women would feel exactly the opposite - that two women would be disgusting, but two men less so. Live and learn.
Add me to the list. I don't find two women together to be particularly appealing, but the thought of two men together is a big turn-off. Not that I am a homophobe or anything - I just don't want the imagery!
KEB, we've gotten off track here. I have been following this thread with much interest. I am a HDW who has been in your wife's shoes. I had myself convinced at one point that my H was gay too...how else could I explain the fact that a man who said he loved me and thought I was sexy had no sexual interest in me? Like Jenny, I realized pretty quickly that this made no sense because he is a T&A man, lol, and his porn does not remotely lean towards anything gay.
At different times, I also had myself convinced that he did not love me, or he did not find me attractive, or he was having an affair, or he was doing this on purpose to control me or hurt me...you get the picture.
In my marriage, two things had to happen for us to start working towards recovery. My H realized that I was desperately unhappy because I told him I was not sure I could stay in this marriage if things didn't change. He told me he would make changes, and he did. But secondly, I realized (thanks in large part to this BB) that I had hardly been perfect. While I may not have actively killed his desire for me, I certainly killed his willingness to work with me on the issue. So I have made changes too.
Right now, the ball is in your court and you have to take the first step. Listen to honeypot, I agree with you that she gives amazing advice.
I don't consider myself homophobic in any way. I'm probably too "gay friendly" in most situations. It goes back to being labeled as "gay" back when I was in school. I wasn't a jock. I was friends with girls (again, thanks to five older sisters). I was a nice dresser. You get the label thrown at you enough...you sometimes begin to wonder. Finally, in early college, I did some soul searching...NO didn't involve men...I just made myself address it head-on...and I knew that it was NOT who I was.
Fast forward to the marriage. She is a performer and as such has many gay friends. Because they were important to her, I learned to be okay with them. It sounds so bad labeling it as "us" vs. "them." Anyway, I grew comfortable in being around guys like that. THEN, starting in our early 30's, important guys in my life started "coming out." In fact, three of my groomsmen are now out. Two of those are the most important male friends in my life...the first is my cousin and the second is my best friend. They are both like brothers to me (since I never had a brother)...so of course, I have to be okay with their lifestyle. It help bridge the gap between us vs. them because these are two people who mean the world to me...and they didn't change their stripes...they just shared with me who they are inside.
So, that turn of events hasn't helped the situation. My W is very close to both of them as well...especially the best friend b/c we all went to school together. I think his coming out was the "nail in the coffin" so to speak. When he started the process of coming out, both my W and I saw the patterns that occurred with my cousin a few years earlier...so, it wasn't a surprise. But, she was so much more wary of my relationship with him. Asking if we had ever...ya know! Of course, the answer is NO! But, she asked more...things like, "When you were college roommates?" Answer still NO! He was always asexual. In fact, we just saw him as R*****...never questioned the sexuality. But, if the timeline she has given me about when she first started to considering leaving is correct, it started right around the time he came out and moved away.
Once he accepted who he was and started living the life...he started "living the life." In fact, he is much too flamboyant for my taste. But, he is my best friend and has been for 26 years...before he was "gay." The same goes for my cousin. He wasn't completely a shock but he was/is a good ol' country boy. He isn't flamboyant and has a partner and is completely settled. But, he is the closest thing to a brother I have...so, I accept him and care about him, too.
Anyway, once again I've probably divulged way more than necessary but I wanted to help provide some background...yet again. Hell, reading this back...I would probably question me, too.
