KEB, I wanted to tell you that your feelings towards your wife are very similar to how my husband feels about me. The whole "She is a princess and I don't deserve her" thing...
I think this type of thinking can be very damaging to a relationship. It doesn't leave much room for the princess to be herself..it doesn't leave much room for the frog to treat her like an equal--for them to be a TEAM.
My H still maintains that he doesn't "deserve" me. There have even been times when he lamented this idea out LOUD while we were having sex. Talk about a mood killer! I know he means it to be flattering but at this point, I see it as a way for him to 'hide', to not be responsible for growth and self discovery. If he's not worthy of me, then he doesn't even have to try. See what I mean?
For the record, he is quite a catch himself. He is super funny, smart, hard working, people who meet him love him. I have said to him that if something ever happened to me, there'd be women lining up outside our home before my tombstone was laid in the ground and I am NOT kidding. Women are dying to meet a guy like him. I'm sure the same could be said of you. Now, while you are busy shaking your head Noooo, think about this: Why would your wife, the beautiful princess, have married you if you really were a frog?
Have you had a chance to formulate any goals yet? Once I started making goals, I started seeing progress. Prior to that, I was still so stuck in my "I am right, he is wrong" mode to make any headway.
Oh! Did we tell you that?! Your wife is not necessarily all right and you are all wrong. This is one piece of the puzzle.
Were there, or are there, any needs of your own that she is not fulfilling? Have you ever told her about them?
My H wanted me to do acts of service and to take part in his spirituality and to be more demonstrative with hugs and kisses. It has made a big difference in our lives.
I got the snoring taken care of back in Oct 2004 Its called a "Sleep Study, a CPAP blower, and mask you put over your nose when I sleep.
No more snoring, instead of 4 trips to the bathroom now its 1, 7 hours in bed instead of 9 hours trying to sleep. I have a higher blood oxygel level too/not as tired during the day. The other devices and treatments do not work for most people.
Any takers on more information about snoring, alineating your spouse, and not snoring so the marriage bed is not another place to fight????? i dont want to bore any more people with what works for me.
--------- He used to get really irritated with me when I'd wake him up at night to get him to stop snoring...I guess he thought I was just lying in wait for him to fall into a deep slumber just so I could wake him up. ---------- My situation went like this. Changed to: My w used to get really irritated with me when she'd wake me up at night to get me to stop snoring...I guess she thought I was just swaiting to snore, waiting for her to fall into a deep slumber just so I could wake her up with my snoring.
Just another example that my, your situation is common. What works for one couple might just work for many couples. Post and share.
That's so funny, it sounds almost verbatim to a conversation my H and I had.
His father is on a CPAP machine, so eventually he probably will be too. So far though his Dr. isn't advocating one and for the most part he's doing much better. I think quite a bit of his particular problem was that he'd let himself get too stuffed up at night...and then of course his position of choice is flat on his back, which doesn't help the situation.
So...we had a good talk about it one night back when I was pregnant and had a hard enough time sleeping because of the baby...not to mention everytime I'd doze off he'd start up AAAAGGGHHH!!!
So I explained he had three options!
#1 One of us sleeps in the other bedroom (which neither of us wanted to do.) #2 Try different things, sinus sprays, vaporizers etc. to see if any of that would help. #3 Live with a sleep-deprived, pregnant, red-head and take his chances....afterall he had to fall asleep sometime right?
Fortunately this wise man opted for choice #2 LOL. Things are actually much better now. It also helps that now we've come to an understanding, he now knows I don't lay in wait for him to snore, that I only wake him up when he's really raising the rafters. So now he tells me to let him know when he's snoring really bad and he'll sleep on the couch or wherever (without giving me attitude). It's a rare occurrance now, and sometimes I just go ahead and sleep on the couch instead of waking him up....but no more attitude about it, from either of us.
Honey... THANK YOU! I needed some of those words this afternoon.
Quote: I think this type of thinking can be very damaging to a relationship. It doesn't leave much room for the princess to be herself..it doesn't leave much room for the frog to treat her like an equal--for them to be a TEAM.
My H still maintains that he doesn't "deserve" me. There have even been times when he lamented this idea out LOUD while we were having sex. Talk about a mood killer! I know he means it to be flattering but at this point, I see it as a way for him to 'hide', to not be responsible for growth and self discovery. If he's not worthy of me, then he doesn't even have to try. See what I mean?
I completely see what you mean. I know this is what I have done. So, now, I need to reverse it.
All of my family and friends tell me that it would be "her" loss if she leaves me. In many ways, I know that I'm not undeserving. I am a GREAT father. And for all the outside purposes, I'm an above average husband. We have always been a good TEAM but she's tired of feeling like a teammate. Her friends are all jealous at how much attention I pay to her and how helpful I am. Except for the bedroom stuff, I'm not selfish and have always gone out of my way to make her feel special. I think that in many ways, that is one reason her friends have seized on the bedroom thing...it makes me NOT perfect and helps them feel better about their loser husbands! (Sorry, rant off!!) In the opinion of some, I've always gone too far...allowing her to be the selfish one. I try not to listen to that kind of thinking...although it does help prop me up from time-to-time.
I've set several personal growth goals. But, I've been reticent to set R goals because it just seemed to soon. Since your earlier post asking about goals, I've been trying to establish some of those smaller R goals to gauge where WE are.
As for my needs? Where do we start? But, again, I've tried to put those things behind me because playing the blame game is how we got to where we are today. She started our M by giving me some "ground rules" about what she would and wouldn't do...well, it just so happened that a couple of my "wants" fell into the doesn't do category. So, I tried to ask for them one time each...and the answer was always no. I created excuses for her and for myself to never ask again. Beyond the bedroom, there are many other needs that she didn't fulfill...but, back to the "I'm not worthy" stage, I just let them go...and buried my resentment for not receiving them. Example: I always told her if she would just sit on my lap and lick my ear a time or two...I would be hers for the asking. Unfortunately, she has a thing about ears and thinks that touching them is gross.
Like your husband, I wanted more affection (hugs and kisses) but she is not a PDA type...thanks to a very strict cheerleading coach who would kick them off the squad if they were caught even just holding hands with their boyfriend (and things like that!). Being a frustrated performer, I always wanted validation for my talents...not really much but I try. She on the other hand is a TRUE performer...classically trained...and would scoff at my attempts to sing/act, etc.
See how quickly, I devolve into blaming. It's not productive but these are deep scars that I can't let go of.
D@mn, the more I type...the more I find that we really need HELP to make this work. But, you know, I am willing to work...now that we have the tools. That is what I try to convey to her...we haven't exhausted all our options. We are just now at the beginning of the repair stage. She doesn't want to have anything to do with it, though!
Okay...sorry for the rambling. Hopefully, I answered your questions. And, again, I thank you for your honesty and support.
RE snoring: I wear foam rubber earplugs to bed (and a sleep mask). I don't hear (or see) a thing and sleep like a baby. I also wear them on airplanes; you can still hear the overhead announcements, but they cut out engine noise. AND I wear them in noisy offices. Buy them by the jar at Walgreen's.
I've read that in order for the body to make melatonin, a hormone that helps us sleep deeply, the body needs absolute pitch darkness. These days there is so much ambient light from the street, from digital readouts, etc., that we can no longer find pitch black darkness EXCEPT with a very thick sleep mask. Get one at the Brookstone store.
With this on and the earplugs, you're back in the womb... you can even hear your own heartbeat. Incredibly relaxing. The only way to nap/sleep IMHO. Been doing this for at least six years.
KEB, It sounds like you struggle with resentment. Me too. Keep thinking it through...that always seems to help me. And look for the good! I could name 10 examples this past week of ways my H let me down but I choose to focus on the ways he propped me up and danged if that doesn't make my attitude improve.
Regarding the goals...how about starting small? I know the phrase "relationship goals" is pretty intimidating, but perhaps you could think of small, tiny steps you could do that would both help her stop seeing you as the ogre and start building your own confidence. Then you can build on the little steps and get bolder and bolder.
Things like: Rub her shoulders if you are walking by and she is sitting down. Tell her she looks nice today and be specific, if possible. (shows you are paying attention and not just seeing her as a faceless blob who takes care of you and the kids..oh wait, I'm projecting ) Run your fingers through her hair at night. Offer to put lotion on her back, after her shower.
Nice things but not overdoing it. I'm sure you can think of lots more.
My own goals are very small things. Things that I know I can pull off on a regular basis. I purposely did that so I would be sure to nail them every day. I don't need "failure to reach goals" bouncing around in my brain, you know?
Keep at it and try to get the best of that resentment.
Tell me more about the things you need from her. Have you ever asked for them, and what were her reasons for not doing them?
(I'm talking about big emotional needs, here, btw like Quality time or something like that.)
Too bad on the ears. That's a bummer to have a turn on that your spouse isn't all that hip on. However, she might change her tune about this once you two are knockin boots again. Perhaps she was just too pissed off to have to "do" this thing for you. She wanted you to be turned on by HER, maybe? And not what she does? I don't know. Just thinking out loud here.
Lillie, That's interesting. I'm not sure I could stand to have all that stuff on my face but your description sounds heavenly! Back in the womb...aahhhh.
I will look for the eye mask, I think I could tolerate that. However, I will have to look at a different store as I am currently waging a one-woman boycott of the Brookstone store.
Let me know if you know of another place that sells the nice thick jobbers.
I think I remember seeing some nice eye masks at Bed Bath & Beyond, but I might be mistaken. Those dinky little satin jobbies don't do the trick. They must be thick, and it helps if they are sort of pleated where they cover your eyes. A velcro closure helps, so you can make it really snug. You should be able to open your eyes wide underneath it and not see one speck of daylight.
As for sleeping with stuff on your head... are you too young to remember sleeping in brush hair rollers? Yikes... like sleeping on thousands of tiny needles... but we did it all through high school and actually slept. Amazing.
I do occasionally sleep w/earplugs when he's really bad. The problem is that then I don't hear our son if he's crying at night...and my H sleeps through his own snoring, therefore he sleeps through that too
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