Quote: GEL and Cally--can I put you guys on a plane to Texas so that you can talk to my W?!? I'm the LD spouse and I've just now had the cojones to admit it. I'm not sure why I'm the way I am but I'm working a number of paths toward finding out. In her opinion, too little, too late..."we've talked about this for years, you didn't fix it...why now?"
Anyway, I've never with held affection and have always (of course, this is my opinion) shown and said how much I loved her. I thought I was appreciating her too...just didn't know how much the sex piece negated any other things I was doing.
It's just nice to hear that someone out there understands the LDH issue...at least a little and is willing to try to work on it. I want my wife to see that she's not the only one. Cally--I saw your post about wondering if he's gay. I got the same. NOT the case BTW.
Anyway, sorry to hijack this thread for my own purposes but based on your last comments...I wanted to say THANK YOU. Even if you don't really know me...you guys are trying to understand guys like me...which my W has given up on!!!
KEBall My Thread: Another WAW Story in Newcomers
Kudos to you for finally admitting that this is a problem for you...and your W, that's an important step. And it's not too late, if you W is willing to work on this....and even if she's not it still may not be too late for you guys.
What I'm learning with my LDH is that he and I don't have the same love languages, and he's not speaking mine currently. He's trying, he's starting to get better...but currently he's still missing the mark. Fortunately, most of the time I can see the big picture...and he's willing to go to counseling to help us, with me this time.
Have you had a complete physical to find out if your testosterone level is normal? If you haven't that's an obvious thing that you need to have done k? If you have and it came back normal, don't be surprised...so did my H's in fact it came back on the high end.
Here's another question for you. Are you able to get aroused? If so how? Does she have to get the ball rolling, would porn do it for you (although I don't recommend that regularly), sexy lingere? Any of that?
See for me...I get VERY tired, exhausted really, of always having to get things going. Just as some men would I imagine...but problem with me is that (and I know this may sound lame, but it's really not) I wasnt taught to be sexually aggressive...women generally aren't. We're taught that men take the lead in this way...so as a woman who has to always initiate and get shot down contantly you feel unloved/undesireable/ignored/unvalidated/unimportant...you n name it. It's HORRIBLE!!!
You now admit that you are LD, ok so...have you asked your wife what things specifically that you could do to make her feel more loved and desired? Do you think that there is anything you can do to remind yourself to validate her sexually, daily, weekly etc?
I'm soooo curious to hear from another LDH, I could bombard you with questions. I too had to wonder if my H was gay, or even having an affair...both of which I knew in my gut weren't the case.
It is in my view though VERY important for you to find ways to validate her sexually. I can' tell you how frustrating it is for me to lay next to my husband everynight stark naked and never have his hand move from my stomach....NEVER. It's enough to just crush me...and he hasn't even said a word, but the hurt is still there.
Thanks for joining this BB...you are very welcome here
And yes, I'd be happy to talk to your W, by e-mail or on the phone anytime!
Please stay and talk with the ladies here. We are sympathetic to your plight as the LD partner. So many of us find our LDH's so confusing that it would help to know what keeps you from showing your W the sexual affection she craves. I heard you say that you didn't think it was so important. What else?
If you want to know what behaviors your W is looking for - check Karen1,Greeneyedlass, Honeypot, JustJenny and several other ladies posts. We frequently daydream about what we really are looking for from our H's. Honeypot has had remarkable success in her M and her H seems to not only be coming around but enjoying the changes.
Green you said......... See for me...I get VERY tired, exhausted really, of always having to get things going. Just as some men would I imagine...but problem with me is that (and I know this may sound lame, but it's really not) I wasnt taught to be sexually aggressive...women generally aren't. We're taught that men take the lead in this way...so as a woman who has to always initiate and get shot down contantly you feel unloved/undesireable/ignored/unvalidated/unimportant...you n name it. It's HORRIBLE!!!
I know exactly how that feels also!!
KEB....I think that is a huge step to have admitted this to your wife!!! If my husband would just admit it to me, validate he can understand why I am so unhappy and hurt it would mean a lot. But when he continually ignores it that sends a very clear message to me that 1. he don't think he has a problem because he won't admit it. 2. he could simply care less about my needs and wants. See also if he admitted this he would be more of a man in my eyes. It takes a big person to admit when they have caused conflict in a marriage. It takes a big person to try and get help and correct things. I myself have tried so hard to lower my libido. So I have tried very hard myself. I have tried not saying anything to him. I have tried talking, writing letters, dressing sexy,doing nice things for him. None of it has ever mattered. I know you commented on my statement I wondered if my husband was gay. I know this has to be the most hurtful comment a guy could hear and I have actually asked my husband if this could be true. Of course he got really angry and called me a name. I only thought this because I can understand okay he says he just doesn't know why he doesn't have much of a sex drive. But when he masturbates to me that shows he does have desire just for his male hand. If he needed a sexual release which is what masturbation is to me then why would a man not want to turn to his wife for that. Maybe I just clueless. Because the masturbation part has really tore me apart.
I am so glad you posted here. I hope you will continue to post. You could help a lot of us maybe understand or help us on how we should approach this. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage.
I'm with you on being torn apart by knowing that my H MB instead of wanting to be with me. Beyond considering whether or not my H is gay or having an affair I have even considered whether he is hung up on a past relationship. As women we need to explain to ourselves why a man (who by virtue of being a man must "want it" frequently) doesn't want us. The answers or potential answers are very painful.
This sounds EXACTLY like my LDH. He's so straight-laced it's not even funny, and to some extent he's homophobic as well. But I do not believe he's gay...I've paid close attention to his reactions to different women in different situations, and even to me in certain situations...he's not gay. He just takes quite a bit to get going and either stifles, ignores, or simply just doesn't have (for anyone) those sparks of sexual desire that the majority of us do have.
I suspect with my H it's more of a control issue though...I think. Not that he's controlling me so much anymore, but that he holds too much in and doesn't allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable to me. He has a very stressful job, we have a problem sexually speaking, he's been very put down in the past by women, he has very low-self esteem personally (not professionally) so there's no telling what other things he's stressing over that I have no idea about....but he doesn't let these things out, he keeps them all very close to himself....TALK ABOUT STRESS! Stuff like that would make my libido take a nose dive too.
Now there's always the possibility like I said that he simply doesn't experience those sexual desire sparks too...that does happen. In that case he and I are going to need to come to some type of a compromise where he learns to think about fulfilling my needs because he recognizes they are ligitimate needs of mine...and I learn to accept those efforts as true acts of love and not "duty or pity sex". This can be done if necessary, I know he and I can do that...so for me that's some bit of comfort as far as my marriage goes.
My H got angry and he is a homophobe but he is NOT gay. I am certain of that.
I have to say I never really thought he was..he does not give off that vibe at all. Having dated a man who was and is gay (before he came out, of course), I have a good idea of what the subtle and not-so-subtle signs are.
But I was at my wits' end and couldn't understand why a man with high T would not want sex. An affair? Nope. Gay? Nope. He SAID he desired me. What was the problem?
The answer, for me, seems to be not in one thing but in many things..some big, some small. Lots of layers to conquer and then onto the next thing.
You know, someday when my kids are grown and we have a Sex Stuffed Marriage, I will be bored as all get out. This has made my life quite interesting!
---------- ...he's not gay..... I suspect with my H it's more of a control issue though...I think. Not that he's controlling me so much anymore, but that he holds too much in and doesn't allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable to me. He has a very stressful job, we have a problem sexually speaking, he's been very put down in the past by women, he has very low-self esteem personally (not professionally) so there's no telling what other things he's stressing over that I have no idea about....but he doesn't let these things out, he keeps them all very close to himself....TALK ABOUT STRESS! Stuff like that would make my libido take a nose dive too. --------------- KEBall... I can relate to Greeneyedlass post. I was one of those type of guys once. Mine was not one of control but feeling overwhelmed financially, prior to getting married, I had to choose If I could continue supporting my mother or my girlfriend if we got married. I new I could't do both financially or emotionally. My sex drive was there and raging, just could not let it out and have sex with the GF except a few times. GF was higher drive than I was prior to M, now she has almost no sex drive and wonders why I am HD.
My answer for my drive increasing, W cant get PG, things paid for, money in the bank for emergencies, more free time, more time together, not worried about parental responsabilities, child care issues, child rule setting and enforcing, can be fun grand parents-spoil GK's and send them home, comepition at work, worrying about down sizing / lay offs, etc. Just listed some of my reasons that can reduce Sex Drive, you might relate to or your H might be concerned about.
Don't know if this helps. Just wanted to let you know people can have a lot of sex drive that gets suppressed for a variety of reasons.
Hello Ladies-- I just wanted to check-in. Sorry to post and get something going and disappear.
Unfortunately, have been involved in major activities with the kids and haven't checked the boards since Thursday. Even worse, I don't have much time to post--we're off to basketball games this morning.
But, I promise to take time and answer questions, etc. I appreciate all the helpful advice and concerns here. I knew I was in the right place.
My wife has already WA mentally. We're still together and in the same bed BUT, she doesn't want me to touch her. SO, I'm stuck on being able to do anything about it--RIGHT NOW! Of course, not being able to have it--makes me WANT it all the more. What is it about guys and wanting what we can't have!!
Okay...gotta run. I've spent too much time already!! We're gonna be LATE!
Because the masturbation part has really tore me apart. 
