1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? Not at all. W is still near WAW, still pulling her ton of resentment along like a shiny red wagon.
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? DBing for two months, working on R for four months, W was internalizing for ten years.
3. How long did it take till things improved? Will they?
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? PMA, 180, and as if have all shown some signs of working, but W seems to have her mind made up.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? Not yet. I do know to avoid R talks, and DR has helped me to give her the space she needs, with out her really leaving. I am hopeful, and I attribute some of that hope to naivety, some to the sucesses of others here and in the books.
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? Yes, sometimes. I used half ask and half nag for sex. Found out from other women here on the BB women don't like men that ask, they like men that are decisive and leaders.
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? June 2004
3. How long did it take till things improved? Nov 2004
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? W used to say / ask "do you want a D" instead of working on a solution. One day I said I was read for her to move out, buy her condo she always talked about. I stopped trying to smooth over things, I started to feel confident that I am OK alone, I decided to "try to get a life". I decided if W is pissed, that's OK, most of her feelings are about how she feels, its not about how I feel and I can't change how she sees things. I call it considerate detachment.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? A little. Took away some of the resentment that builds when no-ass-at-all syndrome lasts for to long. I learned how to stop her diversions to side track a R conversation. Now I say what I want with in reason, and go for it. Leave the resentment out, take what W has to offer and quit thinking how unfair things are. W says she likes the R better, is willing to listen to what I have to say w/o comming back with the "you just want sex and not me", or "do you want a D" lingo.
I on the other hand I did gain a less angry feeling towards my W but at the same time if W said she was leaving and was fair about the splitting of assetts, I would not object to a D. I put a lot of work into the R but got little back. I do more good things for her than I used to do and she just does less crazy stuff. W did reduce some of her nagative actions and thoughts which were so out of wack.
Reason I continue to DB: 1. Baby steps sometimes are a waste of effort, sometimes they pay off. 2. Hoping W will read some of the books I have read, but do not expect it to happen. 3. I want to fix me, change what I did wrong, gain confidence in the things I think are the correct things to do regardless if someone else appreciated them or not, because they ARE the right things to do. 4. Looking to see if I can copy someone elses steps to success. 5. To see what does not work most of the time. Sometimes more important than what to do. 6. Seeing that every bad R at least has to attemped to be fixed before one should give up and go on. (practice repairing training) 7. I am a life long learner. 8. To see my / our situation is not that different than many others, find out what worked and what didn't work. 9. Practice what I read that I think will work, post to readers, get feed back, And many many more.
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? - What sex life? We've not had sex since August 04 2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? - since September 04 / 6 months 3. How long did it take till things improved? - They didn't improve. They got worse. The D is going forward. Sure W tells the now defunct MC I've changed but if she changes her mind she's "folded." 4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? - I've use them all and feel proficient. I'm well equipped to handle W's rage but she's got a point to prove to whom I don't know. Maybe herself? 5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? - No, no, except she never felt she could emote, she does now in spades. I take it in process what I hear, validate her feelings so maybe thats an in mprovement in our relationship? Regardless she's moving forward on the divorce.
#6. Are there any negative effects from DBing. Sort of. I spent a lot of time on the internet reading relationship stuff. I do not know how some of the prolific posters do it, manage to read and reply to so many posts. Do you frequent posters type 50+ words per min. Old 2 fingers here is concerned about subject verb agreement , some spelling, and other grammer polige issues.
I like to read the stories and reply when I feel a connection to a few posts. I am working on a time limit that I spend on the internet.
Dear all, This is a very interesting and informative thread. Thanks for starting and participating in it. I am really happy to read that, although there are those of you for whom DBing hasn't helped too much, the majority of you HAVE noticed a difference in your relationships. Once again, I am reminded of how hard everyone works on strengthening your marriages even in the face of rejection and disappointment. You all are so strong. It's good to know that many of your efforts pay off. Knowing these skills will help you in life, regardless of the specific outcome of your marital problem-solving efforts. As always, I hope that you and others who have yet to contribute to this thread will continue to find usefulness in DBing. I'd love to know more about, when marriages do improve, what are the techniques that really have turned things around. So thanks again for this informal survey! Michele
Thanks for the encouragement. I haven't been DBing very long, but already I'm glad I stumbled up on it. If nothing else, I believe I'll bet a better person for it and that it may help me in a future relationship (if the current one does in fact dissolve). Thanks again.
Hi all. I haven't posted here in a while. Kind of lingering in postpartum lackanookie land at the moment, although that is coming to an end. Was perusing a few of the threads for the first time in a couple weeks and found this one.
What worked for me is COMMUNICATION. Specifically, the dialogue technique taught by World-Wide Marriage Encounter. Doing the things in SSM only brought limited success for us (we had an immediate success with it but it quickly trailed off to pre-SSM levels). Mrs GGB has never read SSM, and probably won't. While it hasn't exactly been unending bliss in the GGB household, the entire tone of our relationship has improved (not to mention the LM). We still struggle to keep up with the dialogue, and haven't really been doing it as much as I'd like to (Mrs GGB is still rather uncomfortable with it). Knowing the success we've had with it though, I've been making a big effort to understand her feelings better and to express mine. OK, so it ain't perfect, but everything is considerably better than it was a year ago (LM at least 4x a week up until the baby came vs 1x every 4-6 weeks a year ago).
Michelle, if you write a new edition, you might want to include some of the WWME stuff if you can. I recall a couple others here have had some success with it as well (Scott comes to mind).
GGB, who thinks post-partum depression is the result of lackanookie
Our SL has improved a bit, but more importantly (at least to me) our R has improved. We are communicating better and the emotional connection is growing stronger. With the improved communication and emotional connection our SL is slowly improving too!
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? 2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? 3. How long did it take till things improved? 4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? 5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner?
1. SL has improved a little. 2. 10 months 3. 6 months 4. Saying how much the poor R and SL really was with out all of the guilty feelings I had for upsetting her. I am still not quilt free for hurting BB's feelings, but I can talk more openly now. 5. Yes, about 10% on bad days to 35% on good days.
Ideas from the bb and the books really made me see I have to sometimes be more confrontative and say/do things even when BB is going to not agree or get upset. I have to quit trying to fix things without worrying someone else will be offended.