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Weekend update

I talked with an attorney on Fri. My conclusion is that the divorce laws of the Commonwealth of PA have nothing to do with the truth or justice. The idea of "no-fault" is a farce. There is fault here. We could lose our house. Our savings and the college funds could be cut in half, etc... I wish we would have put those funds in the girls' names.

We also talked about the custody sitch. The attorney offered some alternatives to what WAW wants to happen. WAW shot them all down. I was not in a good frame of mind before the meeting b/c the attorney's office gave me incorrect directions to get there. The contents of the meeting just fueled the fire. And so after the meeting when WAW called to talk about the custody sitch I was really in no frame of mind to talk. It was the hardest convo I ever had. WAW accused me of not changing at all from last Oct. The fact that I replied OK to the family court challenge was a HUGE180 for me! I always shied away from the courts and attorneys. WAW wouldn't admit that the optimal sitch for the girls was to have 2 loving parents under the same roof. (before you shout PERSUIT, I also told WAW that I didn't want her back.) I said that the girls need a place to call home. I felt moving back and forth every night was too much disruption. WAW said what was in the best interest of the girls was equal time with both of us.

WAW emailed over the weekend to say that she hates that we can't resolve this. So do I.

WAW called this AM to ask if I have come to a decision yet. I told her no. At one point she started raising her voice and told me that I was thinking like a 13-yr-old. She is so deep in the fog that she sees only what she wants to see. I know that time heals all wounds, but just how much time is needed to heal the sight of an MLC'r? (A rhetorical question).

And so there we have it, I have no clue what the "right" answer is in this sitch. Does "dropping the rope" also mean letting go of my daughters? I plan on a prayer night tonight.

Hi Jabez,

What a crappy situation.

Have you and your wife asked the girls what they want?

In my experience, the kids most want stability and routine. My step kids always had a room at their mothers house and a room at our house and theoretically they could chose to stay wherever they wanted (their school halfway between each), but they generally stayed at ours. At the most they spent one night a week at their mums. Perhaps an agreement where they had a week with you/week with their mum or even a fortnight at each place?

It is unlikely that a child psychologist or equivalent would agree that changing houses every night is in the best interests of the kids – perhaps you could take that route and get some advice from a professional about what would be in the best interests of the girls?

Take care of yourself.

WB,

Thanks for the post.

WAW says that asking the girls what they want makes then "choose between us." and that's not right. When she walked out she made them choose between us.

There is no doubt in my mind that the girls want WAW to come home so that "we can be a family" again, but WAW says that won't happen.

I have an appt w/my C tonight. This will be the topic of discussion.

This is the first time that I have challanged WAW and this is the first time she has back peddled a bit. I think that I caught her off guard. She said "See you in family court." I said OK. Later she said that she hates that we can't resove this. I agreed. Later she said she doesn't want this to turn into a court battle. I agreed.

There are several questions to consider. First and foremost how will this affect the girls in general? How will this affect the the girls' relationship w/WAW? How will this affect the A? (We have an agreement that states no contact w/OM when the girls are there.)

Thanks for checking in and offering your experience.

Hey Jabez, sounds like things are heating up with the custody issue. And your views on custody sound very similar to mine and H's. H kept telling me that the best thing for the kids was to remain a family even if it meant we would never have a M. Of course this was post-affair. Your comments that the best thing for the girls would be a happy family and then you following that up with "BTW, I don't want you back" reminded me of what my H said to me. Words like that really put you in a no-win situation.

It doesn't seem like an every other day custody arrangement would be beneficial for any of you. It doesn't provide much of a family environment. It is a constant disruption and would make things very chaotic for the girls as they would have to constantly remember to take things back and forth, etc. It's too much in my opinion. It seems every other week would work best and for some people (me!) a week is too long to go without seeing my kids, so maybe a night spent with the other parent on their 'off week' would be helpful.
I agree that asking the girls what they want is too much. It *is* putting them in the middle. Imagine loving two people more than anything in the world and being forced to say something that could potentially hurt one of them very much. Please don't do that to them. Just take comfort that you reap what you sow and if you have a good R with your girls, the time will come where you will be fully rewarded for that. Custody is a *very* important battle, but try to keep in mind that the overall war is to raise well rounded children who feel happy, secure and loved. They will repay you a million times over in the course of their lives.
I have read that although divorce is rarly *good* for kids, it doesn't have to be as harmful as sources report as long as the parents are willing to work together to co-parent and are successful at not dragging the children into the middle. In cases like yours where there are affairs and third parties involved, it is easy to get caught up in the injustice of it all and say to yourself, if she wanted to be with her kids, she shouldn't have had an affair. Afterall, it isn't fair to you or the girls to have to be separated just b/c she decided to walk out right? Be careful of that line of thinking because it is a preface to justify actions that may not be in the best interest of your girls.
I wish you all be the best Jabez, I really do!!

HG,

Thanks for checking in and your insights. While reading this post, please don't think that I am yelling at you, I'm just so frustrated b/c it seems that WAW and the law are both stacked against me. If your H said that he wanted to be a famliy, then at least you have that to use as a platform to rebuild your R/M. I don't have that and regardless of what "techniques" I use, I can't change that.

Words like that really put you in a no-win situation.

I can't help but feel like this is a no-win situation.

1. Asking the girls what they want to do either:
a. empowers them and gives them some sense of control in their lives
or
b. puts them in a position of having to choose between us.

2. Telling the girls what to do either:
a. releives them of the guilt of having to choose and they just go along to please mom & dad
or
b. makes them feel like they have no control and we don't care what they want or how they feel

IT IS A NO-WIN SITUATION!

it doesn't have to be as harmful as sources report as long as the parents are willing to work together to co-parent and are successful at not dragging the children into the middle.

Unless one of us abuses alcohol, drugs, the spouse or the children and refuses to reform, then the effects of divorce on the children are life lasting. Remeber MWD's "Hole in the heart story"? Selfishly I ask, just what is my motivation to work together here when WAW won't work on the R/M and threatens me w/family court when I don't agree to a plan that she has already gotten buy-in from the girls w/o consulting me? No, it is not fair that I don't get to see my kids everyother weekend just b/c she walked out. Selfishly I say, the word fair should NEVER be used when talking about this b/c there is NOTHING fair about this, to the girls, to WAW's family, to OM's family, to our friends that know about this and to me.

Whewh! It felt good to get that off my chest!

I hear ya my friend. It is pretty difficult to see where anyone is winning in a situation like this. Try to take some comfort in the idea that whenever one door closes, another opens both for yourself and your girls. NY has said that his first divorce allowed him to move on to find the great love of his life. My point in mentioning a no-win situation was just to suggest that you refrain from making statements to WAW that contain circular logic b/c it will only validate any negative feelings she has toward you. Even if you are no longer interested in having a M with her, it is never too late to mend the R with her to make things more comfortable and secure for the girls.
Keep both feet on the ground and your sights set on your goals.

Unless one of us abuses alcohol, drugs, the spouse or the children and refuses to reform, then the effects of divorce on the children are life lasting. Remeber MWD's "Hole in the heart story"?

I do not dispute that the effects are life-lasting. But the effects don't have to be life-impairing. Your girls can still grow up happy, healthy and secure. I'm not trying to sugar coat it, I'm really not. But even MWD said that her parents' divorce shaped her views and her career path so there are some positives too.

Selfishly I ask, just what is my motivation to work together here when WAW won't work on the R/M and threatens me w/family court when I don't agree to a plan that she has already gotten buy-in from the girls w/o consulting me?

What do you think is best? Outside of being a family, which WAW is saying is not a possibility right now, what arrangement is second best to you?

Selfishly I say, the word fair should NEVER be used when talking about this b/c there is NOTHING fair about this, to the girls, to WAW's family, to OM's family, to our friends that know about this and to me.

I agree. I'm sorry you're going through this.

NY has said that his first divorce allowed him to move on to find the great love of his life.

And he still ended up here? Divorced a second time?

Outside of being a family, which WAW is saying is not a possibility right now, what arrangement is second best to you?

A distant second, is the sitch as it is now. At least I get to tuck my D's in each weeknight. At least I get to have breakfast w/them each weekday morning. I don't sleep well the Fri & Sat PM that they are w/WAW. And so that is probably contributing toward my not wanting to change the custody agreement.

Update on the custody sitch:

It has been over a week now and WAW&I are still "negotiating" the agreement. I still feel strongly that the girls need one place to call home. The current arrangement is working (did I just say working?) as well as it can in the sitch. I've decided that this is a boundary line and I've drawn it. There are many other things I could have picked a battle over but let go. WAW has written to me to say that she hates that we can't settle this and again that she doesn't want to drag this thru the courts. Not exactly warm sunshine, but not a hail storm either.

Update on the A:

As some of you know OM's mom & I are friends. I know it seems weird but we really do have an empathetic relationship and we respect each other's boundaries. We talk every two weeks or so just to see how the other is doing. She emails me and invites me to visit or call. There is some talk of the A and observations that we have, but we are not using each other to get info. I think that we each respect that the other is hurt and we don't want to add more hurt. It seems that OM's relationship w/his D17 is close to nonexistent since she found out about OM&WAW's summer vacation together. This is very upsetting to OM's mom. WAW&OM scheduled a camping trip for last weekend but it was canceled. Don't know why, maybe the warm sunshine of the A is giving way to cooler, autumnal times? Whatever.

Looking forward a GAL weekend. (Ha!) My mom is coming over on Sat to help me w/fall cleaning. Hopefully we'll be done by noon and I can make a nice lunch for her. Then I'll pay some bills. A band show on Sat PM (weather permitting) and a 10K walk on Sunday.

Have a good weekend!

It sounds like you've got a really fun weekend planned. I wish I was doing a 10k walk, that sounds awesome. Have fun!

I still feel strongly that the girls need one place to call home.

I felt this way too when I was contemplating D. I eventually realized though, that although H and I were getting along horribly and he was treating me poorly, he was still a good Dad and our kids still worshipped the ground he walked on. I could not take that away and I knew it. For me, 50/50 custody was the least of all evils for my kids and to telly myself any different (that they needed one home, etc) was merely justification for taking his kids away from him.

Every situation is different though and in your case, your W walked out on you and the kids. I'm not sure what that means, but it's definitely different than my situation. You're in my thoughts and I hope you and WAW are able to come to an agreement before it goes to court.