Hi everyone! I have been keeping up with your threads and know what is happening in your worlds, however; I have not had the time to post myself. I have been preparing like mad for this post graduate program. I sure hope I get accepted. I have a major test in ten days and really shouldn't be taking a break to post today of all days, but I must share some news.
I have actually been so busy with my own life that I was able to completely detach emotionally from husband. We haven't seen each other since I visited him late April or early May.
The last time I posted, I told husband that his active addiction was just too much for me to handle. Not talking to him actually only lasted about a week. Of course, he believes things in his world have been too hectice for him to find a chance to detox and get help. I forgot about husband, held onto hope and continued to stay focused on me. Alanon did so much for me back then. It helped me realize that I could not let husband's addiction have contol over my life anymore. We continued to speak, but I treated him like a friend and truly thought of him this way for about a month. With that, even more and more of the barriers started to melt.
Well, guess what happened two weeks ago? After six years of manipulating doctors and tricking them into giving him a massive amount of pain meds each month, his gig is finished. His doctors found out he was seeing more than one physician. Both doctors referred him to addiction specialists and told him that they could not prescribe him meds any longer. One of the physician's gave him a month's worth of meds so he could get his personal affairs in order and then start the long journey of recovery. I firmly believe God stepped in and did what my H refused to do. I am so glad Alanon taught me how to get out of God's way.
Since May and up until know, H and I have grown closer and closer.
These are some of the things H told me that may be of some benefit to you. I realize that many of the things he says may sound selfish, but they are his true feelings whether I agree with them or not. Who knows, he may be right about some of them.
I asked him what he would have done if I wouldn't have continued to hold onto hope for reconcilitation. ...He told me that he would have probably just walked away and never looked back. It would have told him that he was right about our relationship.
2. He tells me that he knew divorce would be a horrible thing and that he knew he would probably be sad for the rest of his life. He said that he had become so unhappy and confused that he had lost hope in our marriage for a long time.
3. Even though he admits to making lots of mistakes, it is very clear to me that the pain he felt that led him to divorce is very real.
I try to step back and see things from his perspective. To do this, I forget about my pain and only look at his. I imagine how I would want him to apologize to me and then that is how I treat him. When I do this, I don't even think about what he did to me. To me, they are two completely separate events and then I treat him accordingly. I read the bible verses that say things like forgive 999 times and the ones that say if someone slaps you in the right check give them the left cheek. The bible keeps me on course and keeps me from trying to get even. When I get caught up in my own self pity, I open books about overcoming hurt and forgiveness. There is a great one called Beauty From Ashes by Joyce Meyers. One day when I was on my pity party, I called my mom and she told me that I can't change the past and that I should only look forward. It was shocking to hear her say anything positive about H because I know how angry she is at him for the pain he caused me. I think she can see that I helped create this situation.
Sometimes I worry that I am acting like a doormat. However, the more I let husband know that I made mistakes, the more he forgives me and the more sorry he becomes for the things he did to me. As I get better and better at being sorry for the pain I caused him, the more humble I become. The more humble I become the easier it is for me to forgive H. Consequently, I feel more secure. I am at a point where I don't need husband to apologize to me before I can be OK. I know that what he did to me was wrong. I don't need an apology from husband or a guarantee that he will never hurt me again before I can be OK.
If I have any advice for anyone it is to forgive your spouse and let them know you are sorry. I am not saying what they did was right. I am only saying that you probably did make a lot of mistakes and probably weren't very fun to have as a spouse. Did they do the right thing? Of course not! They made a really bad choice by giving up on the marriage, but you can only change you.
I believe the most important thing I did to make husband soften was to admit that I made lots of mistakes in our marriage. I let him know how sorry I was in more ways than one. I actually think that the begging and pleading that many of us do in the beginning is a good thing in a way. It lets them know that we do care and it lets them see how much they are hurting us. If their goal was to hurt us, they eventually realize that hurting us solved nothing. The mistake we make is to continue the begging and pleading, or we don't keep any of our promises to change and give up way to soon. It takes time to heal the pain we caused. We have to be patient.
Hope, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hate that this is happening to you. Just keep taking things one day at at time. The pain will lessen with time. Just keep moving forward and focus on son and yourself.
JDD, Glad to see you are still being so patient. Sounds like you are on the right track.
Gabriel, That stinks about the RO. Try to remember this will all pass. Get back on track and keep moving forward in your own life. I see lots of positives in your situation actually. Hang in there.
All of you take care. I have a lot happening and will post again in the near future.
I want to add one thing. When H found out about his situation with the physicians, I was the first and only person he called. He actually called crying and was very scared. I knew a long time ago that the best thing I could do was simply be a good example to H and become someone he could turn to when his world fell apart. I know husband wouldn't have shared this information with me if I hadn't done all the hard work I have done over the past two years. I proved to him that I am on his side, that I am not out to hurt him or get even. I made him realize that I don't want to hurt him or get joy out of his pain. As a result, I was the one he turned to when everything fell apart.
I think the same rules apply to all situations not just drugs. There may be another man or women involved or just a confused way of thinking. If you remain steadfast and patient and keep doing what is right, everything will come together in the end.
Thanks for posting. We all needed to hear this. I hope your H makes a turnaround soon. Best wishes. Please post when you have time.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
That was an amazing story. You are a very strong person for making it through all that. I hope things continue to get better with you and your H. You deserve to be as happy as possible.
I hear what you say about the hope of reconciliation. I'm afraid that an R I had early in the S may have resulted in XW never looking back (although let's not forget she was in an EA/PA at the time and I was reacting out of hurt). Regardless, I have know way of knowing if this is her mindset now. When XW told me recently about the seriousness of her R w/ current OM, she mentioned that she was dating and she knew I was dating, but I don't know how she could, I don't talk about it and I don't involve my K's. Besides, I'm not anyway.
Also, how does keeping the hope of reconciliation factor in regards to the WAS's knowledge. Is it something one keeps to oneself or is it something that the WAS is aware of? And, how does that correlate to pursuit?
I'm so confused as to how to proceed w/ my life right now. I'm confused in my feelings for my XW. I'm confused about how I should conduct myself in regards to the opposite sex. I would want my family back together, given that my XW was willing to see her mistakes and to make changes herself in regards to our R.
I do fear that XW will never look back for what ever reason and that she will always feel she was right in her decision to D.
Great to hear from you, and to hear that you're doing well! Thanks for the post, and for reminding me about staying positive and recreating myself into a safe haven or base for the WAS.
Nice, timely post Sam. I hope that you can return more often to sprinkle your wisdom around the Bb.
I am really on a downward spiral guys. I know it is happening, and I know what it takes to stop it. However, I just continue to wallow in self-pity.
I took my test and did pretty good. I didn't do as good as I had hoped, but I am still in the game. That's for sure.
So what is the problem? I put so much energy into my application and studying and school and now I have absolutely nothing to do. I don't have a job and need to get one before I go crazy from boredom. I get really angry when I see how I got the short end of the stick in our divorce. Husband and I started a business together that did very well. I was the reason that business took off like it did, and it would never be what it is today if it weren't for me. Because we couldn't have the company without the assistance of a good friend of my husband's, the only thing I could do was let husband buy me out. I am set for awhile and have money in the savings to get by for the next seven years if I had to do so. This is why I decided to go back to school. However, Ex-H is much better off than me financially. I sound like a spoiled brat don't I. It just makes me so angry because I have to start all over with my career at 32 while Ex gets to live lavish lifestyle.
After my test ended, I came home to a beautiful delivery of flowers that H sent congratulating me for finishing my test. He was very proud of me and happy for me. He started talking about the fact that he was planning a trip for us to take. We had planned to get together the weekend after my test, but it was clear that H didn't want me to come when I mentioned it. For what reason, I do not know. I am beginning to think it is because he has a party planned for labor day weekend and didn't want to let me down by telling me that this weekend was not a good weekend.
Remember he is still addicted to pain pills and has mood swings. Last night H and I got into an arguement. He was in a really mean mood and complaining. I asked what was wrong, and he goes on to complain about something with his house. It just really annoyed me, and I told him I really didn't care to here it. I know I should have validated his feelings, but I get so upset when I here him complain about his life when he is the cause of all of his problems. He abruptly told me he didn't want to talk to me any longer and ended the call. He said he would call me later that evening. Well, he never called, and he took the phone off the hook. I left him a message and told him that I was sorry for what I said, that I wasn't feeling well and that I took it out on him. I haven't heard from him, and quite frankly don't know if I want to ever speak to him again.
I am beginning to wonder if he hasn't found another doctor that will prescribe him pain meds. He hasn't mentioned the fact that he will run out of meds soon.
Am I being negative or what?
Our marriage ended because we were both addicted to pain meds and H had began to have an emotional affair. From the emails I found, he thought he was in love with this girl and consequently filed for divorce. They hadn't even met in person. I did a very bad thing last night. I have copies of these emails, and pulled them out and read them last night. This emotional affair had started four months before he filed for divorce. I can't believe this women even gave him the time of day. It is obvious he is a drunk or on drugs. He even trys to ease his guilt by telling this girl that me (the wife) have no trouble finding a new husband and move on pretty quickly. Yeah right! He just has no clue how much he hurt me. He really sounded nutty in the letters. I am beginning to wonder if I really want him back. I know he was on drugs when he wrote the letters, but sometimes I am beginning to think he did me a favor. I was on drugs too, but I would have never said and done the things he did...drugs or no drugs.
Am I a downer or what? I just want you guys to tell me what I know I need to do. I know these are the cards I have been dealt, but sometimes I really hate my reality. I feel that meeting husband put me on a horrible path in life. I know life is hard no matter who you are, but I am just getting so tired of this crap. I just want to have a normal life and happiness again. Sometimes I think just cutting off husband and mourning him once and for all would be so much easier. The problem is that I want things to work. I am beginning to wonder why though. We rarely fight anymore, and when it does happen like it happened last night, I begin to wonder how much I can take of this crud.
Do any of you get like this very often? What do you do to stop it. I know if I had a job this wouldn't be happening. I need to find a job ASAP!
