I am so happy this forum was developed. I decided to move to this board in hopes of giving support to and getting support from others in a situation more similar to my own.
This is what has been happening lately. Went without hearing from H for over a week. Didn't attempt to contact him in anyway. The day of my birthday came, and I was terrified he had chosen to ignore it. Well, on my birthday he called, sung happy birthday to me on a phone message and told me I should receive a gift in the mail that day. I received the gift and a sweet card. The first sentence in the card stated that he loves me and he thinks about me constantly! Not calling him did wonders. He then went on to wish me a happy birthday. I called and thanked him for the gift and we had a nice conversation. He seemed so excited to speak to me. It was an excitement I haven't heard in him in a long time. I acted happy, happy on the phone and thanked him for the gift. He then said he didn't know what my plans were for Valentine's but that he wanted to send me flowers at work. I told him I would get in touch with him later to give him my work address. He hinted in the conversation that he wanted me to send him something.
He also called the next night and in the conversation told me how one hour doesn't pass without him thinking about me. He told me things he sees during the day constantly make him cry. He said he saw a really old couple walking and holding hands and how it made him break down. I got a little whiney towards the end of this conversation, and I think it hurt things a little. H closed down a little bit. I won't be doing that again. I have to do business where he lives in April and he asked if that was still going to take place. I told him yes and asked if we could get together. (I should have let him ask). He responded of course. I reminded him that we had made plans to meet up once he got his addiction problems under control. (I still think he is struggling with things). He asked me what time limit he had given, and I reminded him that he had said three months which is exactly when I will be doing business where he is living. I acted anxious to give him more time if he needed it, and he said definitely not and that he wanted to see me at the end of three months. He then quickly added that he is still in the hardest part of recovery but didn't go into details. I plan to see him briefly, look my best, be someone he realized that he can't live without and then put down tough boundaries. This is when I plan to get really tough on the addiction part also if he still is backsliding. I don't want to get tough until he sees me and realizes what he would be missing though. It is so hard to stand back until then though. What do you guys think of this plan?
On Valentine's day I did get together a gift for him. I didn't want to go overboard though and seem like I was pursuing. I bought him a shirt and then included gifts for our cats to make it seem more detached. I made the card out to him and the cats and made it sound like more from a friend. One thing that might have been a mistake is the time I put into wrapping the gift. I love to wrap and make gifts look really nice, and I did just that.
Valentine's day came and this is what happened. On Friday before Valentine's he called at 11:00 pm, and I wasn't at home. I was glad to see that he was sitting at home on a Friday night, and he seemed concerned I wasn't. He told me to call no matter how late it was so he could get my work address for Valentine's day. I got home late and returned his call at 12:15 am, and he had already gone to bed. The next day he called four times. I had to work that day, and called him back that evening. I received beautiful roses at the office on Valentine's. The card said Happy Valentine's Day! I love you. His name.
I spoke to him that evening to thank him. The day before he asked me to call him once I got the flowers because he wanted to know if I liked them (I am not the type to not call and thank someone. I think it is funny that he thought he had to remind me to call him and thank him.) We spoke late that afternoon and thanked each other for the gifts. He then said that he would call me back that later evening. Like an idiot, I called him back first. He answered and said I was going to call you and now you ruined it for me (he was laughing when he said it of course) Boy, I need to be whacked. We spoke some more. He added that when he got the gift from me he started crying because of all the work I put into wrapping it! Did I mess up here guys or do you think his getting teary was a good thing? Am I being too cold or too mushy or neither? Do you think I am being so distanced that he thinks I have given up on him? Tell me what you think after you read the next scenario.
At the end of our conversation, H told me that he would call the next day. Remember what he said when I called him first. Well, the next day, he didn't call. I was ticked, but I did nothing. This is what H did throughout our divorce. He would say he would call and then he wouldn't. I understand fully why he did it during our divorce. I was clingy and whiney then but now I am not. What is up? The day after the day he was suppossed to call, he left a message apologizing for not calling. He left a very nice and mushy message and said he had fallen asleep on the sofa and when awoke it was to late to call me. He then said he would call me that evening and that he loves me very much. The message was very nice, and I was very happy. He didn't call that evening, but I didn't make much of it. I figured something big at work must be taking place. Late, late that evening I sent him an emailing thanking him again for the flowers and telling him how pretty they had gotton. The email was not mushy at all but was sweet. This happened on Wednesday. It is now Sunday, and he hasn't called.
What are your opinions? Any ideas. Do I just continue with my plan to see him in April briefly and then put down boundaries? I cannot go on forever waiting for him. I would wait around for him forever, but I don't think it shows much self respect. I want to have kids, and I am not getting any younger here.
By the way, I cannot post from my home computer. That is why I am not posting as often and am so slow at responding to everyone. When I log in I can't get past the first page without it logging me back out. I have done everything the board says regarding cookies. Any ideas?
Good to see that you started a thread here. I saw nice progress. The card was big, with him signing "love" as was the positive conversation. In terms of the whininess toward the end, maybe think about ways to better GAL and address your needs.
You're postings show great scrutiny/review of your sitch and behaviors that allow you to look for ways to improve on your DBing. I hear you regarding wondering about the future and about how long to try. I hear you regarding waiting, but know that you are very much so respecting yourself by GALing while keeping the door open. Very different from passively pining for someone and hoping that it works out.
I think it's very encouraging, especially with your H saying ILY. I spend a lot of time with my H and he hasn't said that yet! I think that's very hopeful.
I have kids so I can't imagine your frustration, but I would say as long as your GAL, it would be okay. If you can be confident and upbeat without him, then even if your M doesn't work, other men would find you attractive etc so it increases your chances of winning your man and if not him then another man.
I messed up and added heat to my situation. Need your advice to turn my mistake into something positive.
1. I have been DBing a lot better and H has responded very positively.
2. I have let H initiate most contact.
3. The last two weeks, H has made it a habit of saying he will call, not calling and then calling the next day or days later apologizing for not calling. I made the mistake of calling him when he didn't call one night, and he responded that I ruined "it" for him because he was just about to call, and he had this weird excitement and happiness in his voice suggesting to me that he was pleased I was calling him.
4. Last night I tried to throw a wrench in this predictable pattern, and I screwed up when things got too heated and emotional. He didn't call by 10:30 pm so I called him. He said the same BS, "You ruinded it for me because I was just about to call you, I swear." He had the same excitement in his voice. I responded, "Sure!". He sounded baffled and said, "Yes, I was!" I then went on to say that I don't expect him to call me but to stop saying he was going to call if he had no plans to call. He sounded hurt and shocked and then sounded like he was holding back tears. He said, "Gosh, I am sorry."
5. I responded, "It's Ok. How are you doing?" All of a sudden, his tone became very nasty. He said, "I don't want to speak to you right now." Then he hung up on me. As all of this happened I felt a little scared but good about everything. I feel I need to put down some boundaries. Sometimes, I feel I am too nice and H thinks he can treat me however he wants and I will always be there. What do you guys think about this? I know I could have gotton the same message across in another manner, but I got impatient and chose to call him.
6. This is where I really messed up things. After H hung up, I got really needy. I started thinking that it would probably be another week before I heard from H again so I panicked and tried to take control of H's behavior (big mistake!). I called him back after he hung up on me! He didn't answer. I then lost all cool. I called again and again and again and again! Slap me! I am such an idiot. H finally answered and in a raised tone said, "Stop calling me! I don't want to talk to you! You are acting like a psycho!"
7. I didn't call him back and went for a jog and things became very clear to me. Even though I backslided a lot, I have a great oppurtunity to do another 180 and stop my predictable pattern right now. H is already pleased at all the other 180's and this could be the biggest one of all.
Help me fix this guys. This was my predictable pattern during our divorce that drove H away. I would call H again and again, he wouldn't answer, I would wait until the next morning and call him first thing apologizing for my behavior. We would make-up and over time he would slowly gain more and more power over me and lose more and more respect.
The last time I kind of did a 180 with this situation was that I didn't go into stalking mode and call H back. I mailed him a card apologizing and told him that I know he needed space and I wouldn't be bothering him at all. He called two days later apologizing to me.
I think that was great for that situation at that time. I had a very good response from H, however; I am slowly gaining more and more self respect. I probably think I could have handled his empty promises of calling a lot better, but now that I did it the way I did it, I don't think I owe H for telling him that I am upset about him saying one thing and doing another. I think it is disrespectful that he tells me he is going to call and then he starts playing his little games. He never did this when we dated and in our marriage because he knew I wouldn't tolerate it.
Guide me in the right direction and help me correct all my errors. How could I have done things completely differently? How can I turn this into something good? Tell me if I am way off base about anything. I am open to anything. I love this board. What I have learned from all of you guys is unbelievable!
Everything you have recounted has suggested needy. Everything you do is wrapped up in thought of your H.
Quote: I think it is disrespectful that he tells me he is going to call and then he starts playing his little games
He's hiding something. That is why people play games.
Sam, my suggestion is always the same. Become strong in and of yourself regardless of whether a man (or woman as it may be) is there or not. I know it is difficult, but that is what life is all about. Relationships that work are two strong people coming together to complement each other. Work on your part.
I like this board, after reading a few more posts I'll probably make this my new home.
After reading and re-reading your situation, I came up with the following: I think it would be wise to pick your battles, let some of this stuff roll off your back. If you hadn't made an issue of his statement "I was just about to call you", you could have had a good conversation. And he definetly could have handled your concern better, and maybe if you hadn't called back he would have after cooling down and thinking about your expressed concern, either way he didnt initially respond in a productive way, but this is about you being the bigger person. W and I had a conversation which lead to something she didnt want to talk about and I just wouldn't let it go, finally the conversation ended with "I'm going to bed, goodnight" (her words). The next day she left me a voice mail saying she wasn't upset with what I said, it was more the fact that I was not listening to her when she was saying "I would like to end this conversation". The bottom line is I need to respect her more, if she doesn't want to talk I should not try to keep her on the phone.
It doesn't sound like your at a point in your relationship where you can "ask for what you want", so I think you need to "Pick your battles". I know his game is bothering you, but are you ready to ask for what you want, from his response I'd say no.
If it where me, I'd think about what you did wrong (you mentioned you got needy) apoligize for that, and make it a point not to go down that cheezeless tunnel again. In the future if you feel you have to call him and the conversation starts to go south, try to make the most of it even if it means letting a comment slide, or making the conversation short once you realize its not a good time to talk.
You are doing really good, your H is showing some real positive signs. Continue to be the bigger person and pick your battles, that doesnt mean you cant have boundries.
I'm jumping in here because the only people I have ever known who saved their marriage were my parents...and that was around an addiction issue as well.
I must admit that I didn't go back and read your entire thread so my suggestion here my be off. Let me just say that if your H is in treatment he's probably not ready yet for any of this.
The way my Mom handled it was to stay way. She knew that the stuggle he was in wasn't just about their marriage, it was about the rest of my Dad's life.
When Dad contacted Mom she was very clear to him to she loved him and prayed for his recovery but she never put demands on him. In fact Mom continued with her life, started dating, moved, got really strong.
One day Dad was at the front door asking if he could come in. He told her he was ready and what would it take for them to be together. Only then, when Dad felt he had his illness under control, did they begin to work on their relationship.
My parents remarried and where together for another 14 years. Dad passed away in July of 2003. Mom was at his side.
Georgia
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Right, first off, I know it's difficult but try not to think about him. I did this to start with and was very needy and it just put my H off and made him angry.
Men don't like needy people. He wants you to be the confident, sexy woman he fell in love with. I know you miss him - I miss my H like crazy - but if you give in to your desires you will never get him back.
Think to yourself, the more I ignore him the quicker I will progress, that way even if the M doesn't work, you will feel happier in yourself.
I used to invent excuses to call etc and then we'd just get into a fight and I'd be upset and in the end I realised I was happier when I wasn't crying over him all the time, EVEN if it hurt missing him. So I cut off and I practised NOT thinking about him and I immersed myself in friends and my dd and my business and I just worked and set down goals of other stuff I wanted to achieve which took my mind off him, and you know, the minute I let him go, not just physically but mentally too, he came back round to me.
Just think sometimes you have to let go in order that they bounce back. I suggest just 'going dark' for the time being. Let him cool down. He may well contact you in the end. The worst thing you can do is contact him again as it will only inflame the situation.
I was so happy to hear from you! Thanks for taking the time to post. Your advice really made a lot of sense and meant a lot to me. Reading your post put me in such a positive frame of mind. Your words changed my whole outlook on the situation.
You are so right about everything. I should do better at picking my battles. I guess I got a little ahead of myself. I also agree that I am not in a place in my relationship where I can ask for what I want yet. I got really selfish last night and it is such a cheeseless tunnel. Why do I even begin to go down it? I absolutely get tunnel vision when I start too and refuse to see anyone else’s point of view.
How was your trip? How are things with you? Sounds like you are still hanging in there since you were able to give such good advice. Was that conversation with wife recent? Your wife sounds just like my H in that scenario. Update me on your sitch. I'll be looking for your post on your thread.
IMP,
Thanks for posting. Everything about my behavior was needy. I need to be whacked. I hate how I end up feeling when I am needy and let my emotions control my behavior. Also, H is hiding something, and I know what it is….His problems in recovery that I was too selfish to remember last night.
Georgia,
I loved your story! It made me cry. It really hit home and made me realize how selfish I am being to not put H’s recovery before my own wants. I forwarded your message to another person on this board that is having problems with his wife who is an alcoholic. Thanks so much for taking the time to post. You helped me so much. I want to be more like your mom.
Ioavva,
Thanks for posting. You make a lot of sense. I will follow your advice, and stop being needy immediately and for good. Sounds like your situation is looking really good. You are going to be our inspiration and hope on this board. Keep up the good work.
Hope... I followed your advice and sent H a quick email apologizing for my needy behavior. It worked. Thanks!
I kept it short and told him not to contact me because he has enough to worry about in life (insinuating his recovery). I added that he needs to focus on himself and not to worry about me in any way. I added that I was doing fine. Said I was praying for him.
He called twice in a row while I was out and left one message. He sounded like he had been crying (this recovery stuff has turned him into a sap but I forget I was the same way.) He apologized and said he was a complete a$$hole and jerk to me last night. Isn't that wonderful! He said he knew he was being a jerk when he was doing it. It seems like he is beginning to mirror my behavior in everyway. I hope his mirroring includes my success in recovery. Thanks everyone! It has been a long day. I am going to bed. Good night.
